


The Fastest Times

by NikkiNoir



Series: Fast Times [3]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Destiel - Freeform, Eventual Happy Ending, I WILL MENTION TRIGGERS AT THE START OF EACH CHAPTER, M/M, Part 3/3 Fast Times, SPN - Freeform, Supernatural - Freeform, Supernatural AU - Freeform, destiel au, spn au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-03
Updated: 2015-07-12
Packaged: 2018-03-10 08:58:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 88,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3284474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NikkiNoir/pseuds/NikkiNoir
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean wakes from his coma and realizes that San Francisco and half of his senior year of high school was nothing more than a dream. Sam is there, but Cas is missing in action. Dean is in rough shape, but is determined to not let it keep him from finding Cas. He refuses to waste this second chance at a happy ending.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Second Chance

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Elsey](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elsey/gifts).



> THIS IS PART 3 OF THE SERIES! 
> 
> Be sure to read the first two parts, "Fast Times At Heaven Hills High" and "Faster Times In San Francisco" first, otherwise, you won't know that the hell is going on. 
> 
> Thank you, thank you, thank you to all of my beautiful readers for sticking with this series. It has totally consumed my life and I'm in the home stretch...kind of. This part might be really long. But, I want to tie up everything, and that will require months of writing. 
> 
> I will try to update as often as I can, but I won't have a set schedule for updating because I can't schedule the creative flow. But, the entire thing IS outlined. It's just a matter of writing out chapters. 
> 
> ALSO, I'm gifting this work to Hannah because she has been with me since the first part, and is the main reason I've been motivated enough to write something this long. I hope you love it, girlie!
> 
> Without further blathering, I give you: THE FASTEST TIMES.

“Dean?” the voice was coaxing Dean back. Almost like a guiding light, but different. He tried to speak but it was gibberish. A sliver of light appeared in front of him, and the voice grew excited, calling out his name again, “Dean?”

The brightness overtook the darkness in a matter of seconds as everything came into focus. There was mechanical beeping noises around him and he smelled disinfectant. He opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. Trying to move didn’t yield any better results. He was weak. What the hell was going on?

“Whoa, Dean, calm down,” the voice was there again, but everything around Dean was in a blur. A figure blocked out some of the brightness but he couldn’t see it’s face, “the doctor’s are coming. You were in a coma-”

A coma? What? That’s not right. Dean woke up from his coma months ago, “no,” he croaked finally, blinking as the room slowly started to focus. Sam was standing next to his bed, wide-eyed, “Sam?” his voice was barely a whisper.

“It’s me, Dean,” Sam smiled at Dean, but stopped him when he tried to sit up, “relax. You’ve been out for six months-”

“What?” Dean grimaced. That’s not what happened. No, that’s totally wrong.

“Yeah...you crashed your car and you’ve been here ever since,” Sam looked up at a doctor who had just walked in, but continued as if uninterrupted, “we really didn’t think you were going to wake up...but the past week you started showing signs of waking up. I’ve been here every day,” he chuckled.

“Cas?” Dean asked, his mind instantly reverting back to before the accident. Cas was still alive. Was Cas still alive? His heart was racing.

Sam’s smile faded, “I don’t know how to say this,” he touched Dean’s arm, “Cas went MIA a couple of months back when the doctors said there was no hope for you. He said he was going to find himself, whatever that means. I haven’t heard from him since, I dunno, March?”

Closing his eyes, Dean smiled to himself. Cas was still alive. That’s all he needed to hear to make a pact with himself to find Cas, no matter what. That was priority number one...after he was able to get out of this stupid bed, that is. 

***

Dean was exhausted by the time the doctors finished their poking, prodding and general annoying questioning. He was told multiple times how much of a miracle it was that he woke up after six months. For a long time, Dean was a lost cause. After all, the typical window for people waking up from a coma was typically less than a month. Doctors were baffled that Dean woke up. Dean knew it was because he died in his vivid coma dream reality thing, but he never mentioned it. His personal life, even if it didn’t really happen, was any of their business. 

“How are you feeling?” Sam asked, after the doctor’s left. He was holding a cup of coffee from the hospital cafeteria as he took a seat next to Dean’s bed. 

“Tired,” Dean glanced at his brother, “freaking exhausted,” he closed his eyes, wishing this overall feeling of weakness would go away. It was bullshit. Everything was so frustrating. San Francisco was a dream, or whatever, and now he couldn’t even sit up without help. He was definitely grateful for this second chance, but he was mess, mentally and physically, and there was no denying it. 

Sam smiled, “you just slept for six months, how the heck are you tired?” he joked, offering Dean a sip of his coffee, “caffeine helps.” 

“I’d rather get my hands on some of that crack spinach that Popeye eats so I could get the hell out of here,” Dean was annoyed. He didn’t have the patience for this whole recovery thing. He had every intention of pushing himself. Sure, he’d only been awake a few hours, and he knew his muscles needed work in order to get strong again, but Dean was impatient. Grunting, Dean tried to prop himself up against his pillows to sit up, but he could barely lift his head. 

Sam stood up, “hey, let me-”

“No,” Dean said quickly. He’d never get back to normal if people helped him. He needed to get the hell out of this hospital and find Cas as soon as humanly possible.

Sam frowned, looking hurt, “don’t over-do it. You have plenty of time to get better, Dean,” he said quietly, watching Dean struggle to sit up, “just let me help you this one ti-”

“Sam, no,” Dean snapped, using his pent up frustration as fuel to slowly push himself up against the pillow. He smirked at his small victory, feeling a little cocky at the progress, “I got this,” he wasn’t going to let this coma shit keep him from Cas. Nothing could stop him. 

Sam chuckled, “you’re so stubborn,” he mused, clearly impressed that Dean somehow managed to sit up on his own, “but, maybe that’s not a bad thing. If anyone can overcome this, it would be you.”

“I’m not stubborn, I’m motivated,” Dean tried to reach for his cup of water, but he couldn’t lean forward enough to grab it. Sam handed the cup to him before he could stop him, “I could have-”

“Shut up. You just came out of a coma. Let me help you just this once. I won’t tell anyone and destroy your masculinity,” Sam rolled his eyes, “stubborn.” 

“Bitch,” Dean took a sip of water, spilling a little down his chin. In all honesty, he was glad that Sam was there to help. He’d never openly admit to needing help...but he needed his brother.

“Jerk,” Sam smiled at Dean, “I missed you,” he added softly, looking at the clock, “it’s getting late...I should go before Dad gets home from the bar…”

Dean felt sick at the mention of his father. It was that motherfucker’s fault he and Cas fought in the first place. Dean was too fucking scared to commit because of everyone, especially John, “Dad doesn’t know I’m awake, does he?” 

“Nah,” Sam got up, tossing his empty coffee cup in the trash, “the only one who knows is Jo.” 

“Jo?” 

“Jo’s been busy getting all of her college stuff figured out, and I promised I’d call if there was any change. She usually comes a couple of times a week, but lately she’s been swamped with final papers,” Sam explained, “she told me that she’ll come for a visit sometime this week.” 

“What about Anna and Gabe?” Dean had so many questions about everyone. If his coma reality never happened, everything was different and he needed to separate reality from not reality. It was confusing, which further frustrated Dean. He couldn’t think clearly. His thoughts were all muddled and it was incredibly inconvenient. 

“They think you’re still out,” Sam grabbed his backpack, “I can swing by and give them the good news before I head home, if you want.” 

“I think I’ll tell them myself when I leave,” Dean watched Sam linger by the bed, “don’t mention anything to anyone. I don’t want distractions from getting better. I need to find Cas,” the thought of Cas gave Dean mixed feelings. He was happy that Cas was alive, but, in the back of his mind, he feared he may never see him again. 

Sam nodded, zipping his lips with his thumb and index finger, “my mouth is shut,” he hesitated for a moment before leaning down to hug Dean, “I’m glad you’re awake,” he mumbled. 

Dean, with some difficulty, returned the hug, “me too, Sammy.” 

***

Physical therapy was a pain in the ass, and that was putting it mildly. Dean hated feeling helpless; he was always the rock, and now he couldn’t even get up out of bed without assistance. He didn’t want anyone seeing him like this. The road to recovery was looking to be a long one, but, Dean was determined to kick ass and take names. If he could make a six-month coma his bitch, a little physical therapy would be a cakewalk. 

The doctors refused to let Dean over-do it in therapy, much to Dean’s displeasure, but, that didn’t stop him from arguing with them. Only a week had passed and Dean was able to sit up, but that wasn’t enough. He wasn’t settling for baby steps. Walking was a top priority, only seconded to Cas. 

Cas was Dean’s motivation. That messy brown hair and hypnotic blue eyes were on his mind every waking moment, every day. He couldn’t waste this second chance. 

One thing Dean had difficulty with, aside from the whole walking thing, was the vivid memories, that weren’t actual memories. He knew the last half of his senior year never happened. San Francisco was literally a figment of his imagination. The good times, bad times and all the times in between were always on his mind. Sometimes a particularly harsh not-memory would sneak up and ruin his mood, but Dean had to keep reminding himself that none of those events happened. 

It was all a dream. A hallucination. Nothing more than his comatose mind fucking with him. 

Dean never mentioned the alternate coma reality to Sam. He didn’t want Sam to worry more than he already did. It was hard, because Dean found himself constantly reminded of imaginary moments, and he had to stop himself from mentioning them. How could he possibly begin to explain the life he’d lived out while he was in lala land? Sam just wouldn’t understand. How could he?

About three weeks after Dean had woken up, Sam was in the hospital room doing a final paper for his college-level English class. Dean was resting after a particularly embarrassing physical therapy session. Scooby Doo was on TV, but he was having trouble focusing on anything other than the throbbing pain in his knee. The pain was his fault. He just wouldn’t listen to his therapist, Kali. 

_“I’m not confident that you’re strong enough to try standing yet,” Kali was frowning, “just give it another week-”_

_“I’ve been doing those stupid muscle exercises, Kali,” Dean complained, for the hundredth time, “c’mon, just let me try with the crutches,” he knew he was whining, but he was getting impatient. How freaking long was this going to take?_

_“It would be irresponsible of me to allow that,” Kali folded her arms, “I’m just doing my job, so, you can cool your jets. The more you fight, the longer this is going to take. Now, ten reps with the two pound weights in each hand. I need to grab your chart,” she turned to leave, but glanced back, “don’t you dare try anything funny.”_

_Dean glanced at the crutches, just out of his reach where his wheelchair was stationed, “cross my heart,” he said, making an ‘x’ over his heart with his finger as he came up with a plan to push himself over to the crutches and give standing a shot before Kali came back._

_“I know that look. I’m being serious. If you fall, you could get in trouble and it would reflect poorly on me,” Kali said sternly, “I’ll be right back,” she left after looking back at Dean one more time._

_The second the door was closed, Dean unlocked his wheelchair and pushed himself over to the crutches. He knew he would stand, he just had to prove it. Kali would be a little pissed off, but she’d get over it._

_Dean reached for the crutches after locking his wheels. He looked toward the door before bracing his upper body weight over the crutches, slowly stretching out his legs and planting his feet on the foam mat. In one swift movement, he lifted himself into a standing position, but his legs weren’t strong enough and he immediately fell forward onto his left knee, hitting the ground with a loud thud._

_“What are you doing?” Kali’s furious voice made Dean flinch, “What did I just tell you?”_

_“Sorry,” Dean muttered, not looking at Kali. He knew he was an idiot and he didn’t need to see her disapproving glare._

_Kali sighed loudly, “let’s get you back in the chair,” she knelt down next to Dean and helped him back into the wheelchair, “did you hurt yourself?” she asked, picking up the crutches._

_“I fell on the knee I fucked up in the accident,” Dean said quietly, trying to ignore the searing pain in his knee._

_Kali rolled up Dean’s pant leg and gently touched his rapidly swelling knee, “you’re going to have to stay off of this for a least a week,” she looked at Dean, “maybe longer.”_

_“Are you jok-”_

_“This is your own fault,” Kali stood up, “if you would have listened to me, you could have tried standing next week,” Dean groaned, but she continued, “don’t give me that crap. I told you not to try standing.”_

_“I said I was sorry,” Dean couldn’t wait to get back to his room. This was one of the bad days._

_“Just promise you’ll listen to me from now on. I know what I’m doing,” Kali finally smiled, “why don’t you head back to your room and I’ll have a nurse bring you some ice.”_

_Dean sighed, defeated. He tried to be mad at Kali, but she was right, “thanks,” he half-smiled before pushing himself out of the room._

Dean pressed the bag of ice to his knee, wishing he’d listened to Kali. Sam glanced up from his paper, raising a quizzical eyebrow, “what?” Dean sat back against his pillows.

“Are you gonna tell me why you have a massive bruise on your knee?” Sam asked, closing his notebook. 

“I...fell,” Dean said cryptically, avoiding Sam’s unwavering gaze. 

“You fell?” Sam sounded concerned, “How?”

Dean ignored Sam. He didn’t want to admit that he couldn’t stand up without face planting. It was fucking humiliating. He felt like a toddler.

“Dean, look, I know this situation isn’t ideal, but, you’re stuck here until you get the okay to leave,” Sam punched Dean’s arm lightly, “cheer up. In no time you’ll be walking out of here.”

“I tried to stand and fell on my face,” Dean said, finally looking at Sam, “after Kali told me not to.” 

“What am I not surprised?” Sam rolled his eyes, “This is all going to take a hell of a lot longer if you fight with your physical therapist.” 

“You think I don’t know that?” Dean scowled at Sam, “I can’t help it, man. I’m freaking restless,” he tried flexing his injured knee, wincing. 

“I know you want to see Cas...but this is ridiculous, Dean. Why are you so worried?”

“You said Cas was MIA, why wouldn’t I be a little worried?” Dean couldn’t stop thinking about Cas out there without him. What if Cas found someone else? What is Cas was lost or hurt or sad? Dean constantly worried and he couldn’t stop it, “Sammy...I need to get out of here.”

“Your doctor said eight weeks max. It’s already been three. If you’d stop being so stubborn, I bet you’d be out of here in six,” Sam grinned, “just think about how happy Cas will be to see you.” 

“Why did Cas leave in the first place?” Dean asked, almost reluctantly, “You never said.”

“I wish I knew. He just up and left one day,” Sam’s smile faded, “honestly, it surprised everyone. Anna and Gabe were really upset,” he was frowning, “I guess the last time Anna heard from Cas was about a month ago. Right before you woke up.” 

“When did you see Anna?” Dean hoped Anna was still oblivious to Dean being awake. 

“Jess and I went to the diner for Thursday date night,” Sam said sheepishly, smiling, “I asked if she’d heard from Cas and apparently he was en route to Yellowstone.”

“Yellowstone?” Dean reiterated, “Since when is Cas the outdoorsy type?”

“I guess he’s just been traveling wherever he wants, camping every night,” Sam shrugged, “he’s usually pretty mysterious about details of his exact whereabouts because Gabe apparently threatened to drag him back home.” 

“Cas is living the life,” Dean mused, wishing he was with Cas, seeing the USA and living like drifters, “let’s hope we can track him down.”

“If I hear anything from Anna or Gabe, you’ll be the first to know,” Sam stuffed his notebook into his backpack, “I promised Jess I’d drive to her parent’s house for family dinner, so I should head out.”

“Tell Jess I said hello, since, I’m sure you told her I’m awake,” Dean waved at Sam as he left, before relaxing back into his pillow, alone with his thoughts. Again. Being by himself meant his mind could wander back to the events that, he’d tried so hard to convince himself, didn’t happen.

Dean knew it was totally insane to dwell on memories that weren’t real. He’d replayed so much of that dream in his mind, over and over, until he was in tears. Day after day, they never faded; Dean began to wonder if it all meant something, like a premonition or whatever. Maybe he was one of those psychics. 

Or, more than likely, Dean was slowly descending into madness from slamming his head into the windshield of his car. 

Either way, it was becoming increasingly more difficult to distinguish what was real and what wasn’t, especially when he knew next to nothing about the past six months in this reality. It was unnerving. So much so, that he knew he had to tell Sam eventually. If he bottled it up any longer, he’d snap. 

***

Just over a month after Dean had woken up, things were slowly improving. His knee was feeling better and he’d given up fighting Kali. He did everything she asked and was getting stronger every day. In the coming days, Kali hinted that she might let him trying standing up. This thrilled Dean. He was practically giddy. 

It was around dinner time when Sam poked his head into Dean’s room, a huge grin on his face, “hey Dean,” he walked in and sat down in one of the chairs near Dean’s bed. 

“You’re in a good mood,” Dean raised an eyebrow, “what’s up?” he hadn’t seen Sam in two days, which made him feel a little curious as to what his little brother had been up to. It was unnerving not having Sam around to keep him grounded and not dwelling on the fake memories he’d decided not to mention to Sam. 

Sam was beaming, “I have a little surprise for you,” he said excitedly, “out in the hall waiting,” he added, nodding toward the door, as a familiar face peered inside. 

“Jo!” Dean wished he could get up and hug her, but settled for holding his arms out, wrapping them around Jo as she ran into the room, lunging at him, “it’s so good to finally see you, babe,” he squeezed her.

Jo kissed Dean on the cheek and let him go, “sorry it took so long. I was swamped with school work. I’m so happy you’re awake!” she sat on the edge of his bed, grinning broadly. 

“Well, you’re here now,” Dean smiled, “we’re good,” he shifted so he could give Jo some room. It was so good to see her, but Dean knew they had to talk. Before the coma, Dean had been sneaking around with Cas behind her back...and she deserved an explanation. An explanation he’d procrastinated on giving for too long. His smile faded at the thought.

“Before you go and apologize, just know that it’s not necessary,” Jo said, clearly reading Dean’s mind, “Cas told me everything after the accident.”

“I meant to tell you about me and Cas,” Dean sighed, “sorry you found out when I was out cold,” he felt bad, but, was thankful that Jo was one of the most forgiving people he’d ever met. He loved her. 

Jo rolled her eyes, “come on, Dean, do I look blind to you?”

“What?” Dean asked, confused.

“You make it sound like I had no idea about you two,” Jo giggled, “I saw the way you looked at Cas. You weren’t exactly coy about it.”

Sam laughed, “I’m pretty sure Dean was the only one who thought he was being sneaky.”

“I was so careful,” Dean frowned, feeling like a total asshole.

“No you weren’t,” Sam and Jo said together, both laughing.

“Was it really that obvious?” Dean couldn’t believe everyone knew about him and Cas. Son of a bitch, “when did you figure it out?”

“The day we all met Cas?” Jo looked at Sam for confirmation, “I’d say that first day was when we figured it out.”

“I’m gonna have to agree,” Sam mused, “you were staring at Cas like a lovesick puppy.”

“Why the hell did you play along?” Dean asked, still annoyed that him and Cas weren’t an actual secret, “You should have dumped me, Jo. You deserve better.”

“You weren’t ready to admit your feelings for Cas, and I wanted to support you because I love you, dumb ass,” Jo smirked at Dean, “you’re my best friend. I knew you had a thing for guys from the moment we met, Dean.” 

“How could you possibly know-”

“Dean, seriously?” Jo snorted, “You used to flirt with Mike all the freaking time.” 

Memories of the fling he’d had with Mike came flooding back all at once. He’d almost forgotten. No one, except Mike, knew about that. He had to have said something, that piece of shit, “Mike told you?”

“That you two were hooking up?” Jo shook her head, “I knew. Mike tried to deny it one night when we were all studying, but his cheeks were bright red, so, I put two and two together.”

“And when you got in that fight with Mike in my freshman year, you kept calling him a coward,” Sam chimed in, “it was a textbook lover’s quarrel.” 

Dean didn’t want to talk about Mike. Mike didn’t matter. Fuck him. That was a one time thing and he was over it. Cas was the only one for him, “can we change the subject?” he asked gruffly, trying to focus on the present.

“Any news about Cas?” Jo asked conversationally, changing the subject without missing a beat, “That little shit hasn’t called me since he dropped out of school. Last I heard, he was in Kentucky.”

“He’s going to Yellowstone, according to Anna,” Sam got up and yawned, “I guess he’s been sucking at keeping his siblings posted. I don’t think he wants to be followed.” 

“So, Cas has no idea about Dean?” Jo gave Dean a disapproving look.

“You and Sam are the only one’s who know I’m awake,” Dean said sheepishly, “I’d like to keep it that way until I’m mobile.” 

“How’s that going?” Jo seemed genuinely interested, “Sam told me you were being a pain in the ass.”

“You say that like you’re surprised,” Dean finally smiled, “we dated for months, Jo. You know I’m a pain in the ass.”

Jo reached over and pinched Dean’s cheek playfully, “but you’re our pain in the ass. Right, Sam?”

“Right,” Sam chuckled, nodding toward the door, “we should head out. Adam said he would meet us at the library to study for Bobby’s final.” 

“Already?” Jo slid off the bed, “Lame.”

“It was your idea to study,” Sam nudged Jo.

“But poor Dean will be so bored without us,” Jo leaned in and hugged Dean, “won’t you?”

“How will I ever cope without you two?” Dean said sarcastically, secretly wishing they weren’t leaving so soon. Since waking up, he’d grown to fear being alone. Those freaking not-memories continuously bombarded him and it was still overwhelming. 

“Smart ass,” Jo hit Dean’s arm softly, “we’ll be back soon. You just work on getting better, okay?”

“Will do. Good luck with studying,” Dean smiled at Jo and Sam as they left, leaning back into his pillow. He really freaking needed to get the hell out of here. The more Cas was mentioned, the more Dean missed him. He was on edge not knowing what Cas was up to. 

Dean’s biggest fear, at this point, was that Cas’ real reason for leaving was because he was still angry about the stupid fight. The ridiculous argument was Dean’s fault, and he knew it, even though he tried to blame his father for it. He wasn’t one to pray, but, he prayed that Cas would forgive him for all the bullshit he’d pulled. Cas didn’t deserve that kind of pain. 

Every night, Dean said a prayer for Cas and he hoped it wasn’t in vain. Dean knew now that Cas was the most important part of his life and he couldn’t wait to prove it.

***

After six weeks, Dean had made a lot of progress. Not only could he stand, but also walk for short distances. His limp was blatantly obvious, but he didn’t care. He could walk. It was a good thing; he even heard a rumor from Kali that he might get released soon. Dean was in high spirits. 

It was a Sunday evening when Dean got the news that he could leave the following afternoon. He was so overjoyed and excited that he hardly slept that night. Sam even brought a couple of burgers to celebrate before heading home, later than usual, insisting that their dad wouldn’t suspect anything. Nothing could dampen Dean’s good mood. Nothing.

That Monday morning, Dean was allowed to walk around and say his goodbyes. Kali gave him a big hug and told him to take care of himself. One of Dean’s doctors went through the process of giving him a check-up before signing the release papers. He told Dean that the limp would improve over time, but would never fully go away. Dean brushed him off. Limp, scar, mental instability- it didn’t matter. All that mattered was finding Cas. He was obsessed.

Once all the technicalities were out of the way, Dean started to pack up the few things he had in his hospital room. As he was stuffing the ‘get well soon’ teddybear, from Jo, into the bag Sam had brought him, he heard a voice that chilled him to the bone.

“Well I’ll be damned,” the words were slurred, “no wonder your brother has been sneaking around.”

Dean slowly turned to face his father, who was wavering where he stood, clearly drunk, “dad,” he kept his distance, feeling his heart racing. False memories of Cas’s murder hit him like a tidal wave. Hatred for his father burned down to his very core. It was dizzying. 

“Tell me...did that coma knock some sense into that queer-ass head of yours?” John swayed a little, eying Dean, “or are you still fucking that little faggot...what’s his name-”

“Leave Cas out of this,” Dean said dangerously, almost snarling as he clenched his fits. Anger was building up inside of him, but he refused to stoop low enough to throw a punch at his piece of shit father. It wasn’t worth it. John wasn’t worth it.

“Cas,” John narrowed his eyes, “that’s the one,” a malicious smile played his lips, “I thought he would have offed himself by now-”

“Shut the fuck up,” Dean growled, inhaling slowly in a seemingly fruitless attempt to calm himself down. He couldn’t cave and attack. He was better than that. 

“It wouldn’t be a loss if both of you queers died,” John continued, ignoring Dean, “I’d be happy to get rid of any faggot. Especially that Cas. You’d still be with that pretty, little cheerleader if it weren’t for him.”

“My personal life is none of your damn-”

“Personal life? Everyone knows my boy takes it in the ass,” John hissed, cringing, “you two are fucking disgusting.”

Dean closed his eyes for a moment, concentrating on breathing. John was doing this to get a rise out of him. He had to ignore him, otherwise he was going to snap. His cheeks were burning with anger, “why are you here?”

“To tell you what I told your little fuck buddy,” John lowered his voice, “if I see you two together, I’ll deal with the problem myself.”

“If you lay one hand on Cas-”

“You don’t scare me, faggot,” John yelled, as a nurse walked by,

“Is there a problem in here, gentlemen?” the nurse asked, walking into the room.

“I don’t want him in here,” Dean’s eyes didn’t leave John. 

“Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to leave,” the nurse gently touched John’s arm, but he took a swing at her and she ducked just in time, yelling for security. 

After a fight, security managed to escort John out of the room. Dean was livid, throwing his jacket across the room in frustration, “motherfucker,” he said gruffly, hearing something heavy in his jacket hit the floor. Curious, he picked up the coat and reached into the pocket, pulling out the switchblade knife he’d kept in there for emergencies. He couldn’t believe it was still in his pocket. 

Dean flipped the blade out, examining it with shaking hands. It was still really sharp. As he turned it over, fiddling with it, he got an idea.

An idea that would solve all of Dean’s problems. He and Cas were in danger, and he had to remedy that.

John Winchester had to die.


	2. Switchblades and Reunions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean leaves the hospital and immediately puts his plan to get rid of John Winchester in motion. Things don't go exactly as planned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY. So. This chapter has some potential triggers: blatant homophobia (including really nasty slang), and a somewhat descriptive, brutal murder. 
> 
> Don't say I didn't warn you.

It was sunny and mild when Dean finally left the hospital. His mind was focused on his father. John Winchester was a huge threat and needed to be eliminated. Several ideas played out in Dean’s mind as he made his way toward the bistro, just a block from the place he used to call home.

Dean was hyper-alert, his senses heightened to everything going on around him. His father could be anywhere. As he walked into the bistro, he glanced around, before making his way to the counter, “a large, black coffee, please,” he said curtly, digging in his pocket for change. 

Coffee procured, Dean took a seat in one of the booths, facing a generic picture of a tea cup. He stared off into space, his mind going wild with possibilities. The one word that stood out in his thought process was ‘murder.’

A slow smile played Dean’s lips as he took a long, contemplative sip of his coffee. Murder certainly would solve his problem with John. After all, the only fail-safe way to get something done was to do it yourself. 

Dean, of course, knew that murder was risky and borderline insane, but his father didn’t deserve to continue existing. No one would miss that piece of shit. He would be doing the world a favor, right? He was positive, in his current mind state, that this was the only option. 

If John was allowed to continue living, eventually he’d find Dean and Cas, and Dean couldn’t let that happen. Dean knew his father- John Winchester was never one to make threats he didn’t intend to follow through with. John was dangerous, and not just in a brute strength kind of way; he was smarter than anyone gave him credit for. 

Going to the police crossed Dean’s mind, but, it would be fruitless because John’s favorite drinking buddy was the chief of police. Even if John wasn’t friends with the cops in town, he’d have no problem disappearing if there was ever a warrant out for his arrest. Dean ditched the cop idea almost instantly. 

Dean knew he had to do this on his own. He knew he’d succeed- despite vehemently denying it, Dean was a lot like his dad when it came to executing a plan. Once the idea was in his head, he followed through. No matter what.

Dean sat in the bistro for a long time, barely touching his coffee. He was deep in thought, meticulously planning out the perfect murder. With limited mobility and only a small switchblade knife to work with, Dean had to outline every possible way to execute the murder. He had to be prepared for anything.

There were several contributing factors in a murder that made it textbook perfect. The top three things, Dean decided, were that it was quick, quiet and untraceable. Speed was out, since Dean’s limp-shuffle preventing him from running and successfully engaging in hand-to-hand combat. Dean knew he could make up for his lack of swiftness with stealth. He would sneak into the apartment, after John came back, drunk, from the bar. Then, he would silently creep up on him and cut his throat. Silent, quick if done properly and definitely fatal. 

The only concern Dean had was being untraceable. He planned to use the rag he kept in his coat pocket to touch and door knobs, but that might not be enough. If anyone had a motive to kill John, it was Dean. If he went MIA after John’s murder, he would be suspect number one. This worried him, but, not enough to deter him from following through. He could always figure out how to disappear after John’s pulse stopped. 

Dean glanced at the clock; it was a little after seven. By nine, John usually stumbled back into the apartment and collapsed into his recliner to watch TV until Sam came home from the Monday night pep rally sports thing, that happened every Monday at Heaven Hills High. Sam would always help John into his bed. It happened like clockwork every single week, since Sam started high school. Dean would have an hour tops to get the job done. Plenty of time to kill John and get the fuck out of Heaven Hills.

The plan wasn’t perfect, but it had potential. Dean wasn’t going to back down. Not this time. He had to protect Cas at all costs, and John was in the way. 

***

The night air was cool and refreshing as Dean stood in the alleyway across the street from the apartment, leaning up against a dumpster, ignoring the weakness he felt in his legs. He was in the zone. It was almost nine. Inhaling slowly, Dean closed his eyes, attempting to clear his mind of any and all distractions. If he fucked this up, his second chance with Cas would never happen. He had to focus on the task at hand.

Dean’s concentration was interrupted by the sound of a bottle shattering and a loud belch. He glanced across the street, feeling his pulse quicken as his father stammered up the stairs to the apartment building, yelling a few choice words at the door before finally getting inside. Just seeing John made Dean’s blood boil. Without hesitation, he crossed the street, his fingers wrapped around the knife in his pocket. 

As usual, John had forgotten to lock the main door, so, getting inside was easy. Dean used his pocket rag to grab the door handle, shutting it behind him as he made his way toward the stairs. Still using the rag, Dean held onto the railing, putting his weight on it so his limp wouldn’t get in the way of a sneaky ascension up the stairs.

Reaching the apartment, without making a shit load of noise was a painfully slow process. Dean braced himself against the railing, limping his way up the stairs. He could see the door to the apartment, just barely ajar. Carefully, Dean walked over to the door, trying to listen to signs of his father moving around, but all he could hear was his pulse pounding in his ear. This was it. He couldn’t turn back now. 

Using the rag, Dean cautiously opened the door, just to the point where it was about to creak. He was a professional at sneaking in, since he’d done it numerous times while living here. Slipping inside, he gently shut the door. The TV was blaring, so Dean wasn’t concerned about John hearing the click of the latch. Slowly and as light-footed as he could manage, given the fact that his limp hindered his stealthy approach, Dean made his way down the entrance hall that lead into the living room. The light from the TV shone down the hall, casting a pale, blue glow over Dean as he peered into the room. 

John’s recliner was facing the TV, just a few feet away. The son of a bitch wouldn’t even see Dean coming because he was already snoring. Dean pulled out his knife, holding down the release button so it swung open. His hands were trembling. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.

Dean put the thought from his mind, as he looked at the TV. Star Trek was on; the episode when Spock went through the Pon Farr was playing and Dean remembered watching it when it premiered. He couldn’t help getting a little distracted, at least until John shifted in the recliner, “god damn faggots,” John slurred before starting to snore again.

Dean’s rage was back. Even sleeping, his father was the worst kind of person. He had to do this. Inhaling deeply, he took a few careful steps toward the recliner. He could see the top of John’s head. One more step and he would be able to reach around and finish this for good. 

John was out cold, but Dean still made sure that the final step was as silent as the previous ones. Dean looked down at his father, feeling the hatred for the man burning down to his very core. Gripping the knife as tight as he could, he reached across John, the sharp blade hovering over John’s windpipe. 

One deep cut should do it. Slash and dash. That was the plan. He made it rhyme so he wouldn’t forget it. 

The moment was here. Dean swallowed hard, glaring down at John, “you deserve this,” Dean growled, swiping the knife against John’s throat. 

It happened so fast. John woke up immediately, grabbing Dean’s forearm before the knife severed his jugular. He whipped Dean down to the floor, trying to yell, but a gurgling noise was all that escaped. Dean felt his head connect with the side of the coffee table, but he didn’t drop the knife. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. Panic hit him as John rounded on him.

“Fucker,” John’s coughed wetly, blood seeping from the corners of his mouth as he kicked Dean, losing his balance and falling down, still swinging his fist, instantly hitting Dean in the cheekbone.

Dean held onto the knife as he scrambled to get away. John grabbed Dean’s bad leg, using his brute strength to yank Dean closer. Blood was pouring from the cut on his neck and Dean struggled to wriggle out of John’s vice grip, “fuck you,” Dean snapped, unable to overpower John, who pinned Dean down.

“Got you now, faggot,” John sputtered, leaning down close to Dean’s ear, “I’m gonna enjoy killing you,” he wheezed, “not as much as Cas,” his voice was dripping with malice and Dean could feel blood dripping onto himself. How the hell was John still conscious after losing so much blood?

Dean didn’t have time to think. He slashed the knife across John’s arm, causing him to sit up in surprise, “fuck,” John coughed, spitting blood in Dean’s face. 

Without hesitation, Dean lunged at John, stabbing wildly, feeling the blade pierce John’s chest four or five times. Dean couldn’t stop. The knife repeatedly entered John’s flesh until Dean was covered in his father’s blood, his breathing ragged as John slumped over onto the floor. 

John laid motionless on the carpet, blood seeping through his white shirt, now dotted with no less than a dozen holes. There was so much blood. Dean could taste it. What just happened? What the hell had he done? This wasn’t the plan. 

Dean was at a loss for ideas. He looked at his dad, staring lifelessly at the ceiling, “you deserved this,” he whispered, dropping the knife, “I’m not sorry,” he said, more or less trying to convince himself that it was true. John deserved this...but at the same time, was murder ever really justified?

It was too late for second guessing now. Dean didn’t know what to do. He’d just brutally murdered his own father and was covered in blood. If he went outside looking like this, he was doomed. If he stayed here, he’d literally be caught red-handed. 

“Dad, you home?” Sam’s voice was in the entrance hallway as the front door shut, “Dad?” the lights flipped on and Dean couldn’t move, “...Dean?”

Everything happened too fast for Dean to process it.

“Dean, what the hell happened?” Sam’s voice was surprisingly calm.

Dean felt Sam’s hand on his shoulder, “Sammy…” was all he could say. 

Sam helped Dean up, “got gotta get out of here, Dean,” he spoke quickly, shoving Dean toward the bathroom, “wash up, I’ll pack a bag and grab clean clothes.”

Dean’s head was spinning as he stepped into the shower. He didn’t feel any remorse as he washed his father’s blood from his body. Finally he was free from John. Cas was safe. They both were. Dean didn’t know how everything would play out, but at least John was out of the picture.

“Dean, hurry up,” Sam sounded nervous as he left some clean clothes on the sink before shutting the bathroom door.

Dean shut the water off, drying himself off with a towel that reeked of mold. He quickly dressed and looked at himself in the mirror. The blood was gone, but Dean hardly recognized himself. He wasn’t the same person he was earlier today. Everything was different. 

“I packed a few essentials,” Sam was in the hallway when Dean opened the bathroom door. He handed Dean a duffel bag, “now get the hell out of here. I gotta call the cops if I want my alibi to be believable.”

“Sam-”

“Dean, you need to get as far away from here as you can,” Sam pushed Dean past John’s dead body, toward the front door, “I’ll keep the cops off your trail as long as I can, okay?” he opened the door for Dean, looking like he was desperately trying to keep his cool. 

Dean looked at Sam, admiring his little brother for remaining to level headed, despite the fact that his big brother killed their father, “I guess this is goodbye,” he pulled Sam into a quick hug, “I’m sorry-”

“Go out the back door,” Sam squeezed Dean, ignoring his apology as he ushered Dean out, “call when you can, okay?” he smiled nervously as he shut the door.

Dean heard a loud sigh as soon as the door shut, and he immediately felt bad that Sam got involved. He wasn’t thinking. He was a fucking idiot. For a moment he almost considered turning himself in to spare his brother. Almost.

Dean didn’t linger. His adrenaline was rushing as he hobbled down the stairs and out the back door onto Maple Street. He had no idea where to go, since he was without a car and on foot. Getting far away was problematic. His mind was racing with possible plans to get away as he limped up the sidewalk as fast as he could.

A few minutes from the scene of the crime, a building stopped Dean in his tracks. It was Cas’ old apartment. Hoping someone was home, Dean crossed the street and went inside. The best chance of getting a lead on Cas would be from Anna and Gabe. He paused outside the door for a minute, collecting himself, before knocking. He braced himself for the worst. Anna and Gabe had no idea he was awake. 

The lock clicked before the door opened, revealing a very surprised Anna, “Dean?” she gasped, staring wide-eyed at Dean, as if he were a ghost.

“Hey, Anna,” Dean forced himself to smile, “sorry I didn’t call-”

“Get your ass in here,” Anna tugged Dean inside, shutting the door, “I’m so happy to see you awake,” she pulled him into a hug, “I didn’t think you were ever going to wake up.”

Dean chuckled, returning the hug, “no coma could keep me from Cas,” he put his duffel bag down, “how is he?”

“He’s in Yellowstone camping, last I heard,” Anna reached out and touched Dean’s cheek, “that’s a nasty bruise. What the hell happened to you?”

Dean flinched at her touch, “I fell,” he lied, not exactly wanting to tell Anna that he’d just brutally stabbed his father to death and the bruise was actually from his father’s fist, “I’m not exactly graceful with a fucked up leg,” he added, only half joking, “so, you haven’t heard from Cas in a while, I take it?” he had to keep asking about Cas to keep his mind off of the murder. 

Anna sighed, “he kind of lost it after your accident,” she took a seat on the sofa, motioning for Dean to sit, “he went to school for one day, but dropped out so he could stay by your side,” she smiled sadly, “he blamed himself for the accident and wanted to be there, so he could apologize, when you woke up.”

Dean felt guilty, “he left school for me?”

“You were his top priority. We couldn’t have stopped him,” Anna frowned, “then one day he just gave up and left,” her voice was soft, almost pained, “I tried to ask him what happened, but he just said that you weren’t ever waking up and that he needed to get away to find himself.”

“How long has he been gone?” Dean asked, really needing to speed this reunion up. He could hear sirens in the distance, but tuned them out.

“He left Heaven Hills in early March,” Anna leaned forward and opened the coffee table drawer, pulling out a piece of paper, “this is the last letter we got from him, back in July,” she handed the letter to Dean, “he’s usually vague about details when we hear from him because Gabe threatened to drag him back here the first time he called after leaving.”

Dean skimmed the short letter, “so he was en route to Yellowstone back in July,” he mumbled to himself, “that means he might still be in Yellowstone.”

“Possibly,” Anna shrugged, “I’m expecting a call any day because he said he’d only be in Yellowstone a few weeks and it’s been well over a month,” she smiled, “you’re welcome to stay in Cas’ old room until he calls. I know you used to love staying here before, um, you know.”

“I can’t stay. I need to find Cas,” Dean got up, wishing he could stay. He handed her the letter, before picking up his bag, “I appreciate the offer though.” 

“It’s almost midnight, Dean. Are you sure you don’t want to crash here for the night?” Anna followed Dean to the door.

“I promise I’ll call soon,” Dean said reassuringly, “if Cas calls, don’t tell him about me. I want to surprise him. Just try to get him to tell you where he is.”

“My lips are sealed,” Anna perked up, hearing a car door slam outside, “Gabe’s home.” 

The front door swung open a minute later and Gabe strolled in, “I thought I told you not to wait up for me, sis,” he smirked at Anna before noticing Dean, “Jesus fucking-”

Dean laughed at Gabe’s reaction, “so, I’m awake.”

“I see that, you sly son of a bitch,” Gabe punched Dean in the arm, “Dean-o, it’s like you’re back from the dead! Fuck man, I think I just crapped my pants.”

“I definitely feels like I’m back from the dead,” Dean said darkly, his mind flickering to his not-suicide from the dream, “sorry it took so long. I had to walk here, and it took ages because I’m a little bit crippled now.”

Gabe snorted, “at least your sense of humor is still in tact,” he looked at Dean’s bag, “leaving so soon?”

“I need to find Cas, so I’m heading to the bus station in the town over,” Dean half-smiled, “I thought I’d try to figure out where Cas was by asking you guys first.”

“You’re walking to the bus station?” Gabe rolled his eyes, “That’ll take months in your state, I’ll drive you before my caffeine fix wears off,” he glanced at Anna, “can I borrow a fiver for gas, Anna-banana? I get paid tomorrow.”

“Your van wastes gas. Take my new Volvo,” Anna grabbed her keys off the side table and tossed them to Gabe, “no joy riding or pot smoking in the Volvo. Got it?”

Gabe sighed dramatically, “yes, mother,” he smirked at Anna, “I’ll take good care of your mommy mobile.”

“Just be careful with it,” Anna looked at Dean, “and you be careful too. If you find Cas, give us a call.” 

after a bone-crushing hug from Anna, Dean and Gabe headed out. As they were getting into the Volvo, an ambulance sped by with it’s lights on. Dean kept calm- he knew John was most likely in the back of it, but Dean had seen the life leave John’s eyes. He didn’t have to worry his father. Not anymore.

“Cassy’s going to lose his shit when he sees you,” Gabe mused, driving entirely too fast, down a back road, taking the long way to the bus station, “I damn near pissed myself.”

“Let’s hope I can find him,” Dean looked out the window, “that letter wasn’t exactly descriptive,” he knew it was going to be next to impossible to find Cas, but a little voice in the back of his head kept telling him not to lose hope. He got this second chance for a reason, and he knew that reason was Cas. 

“You know,” Gabe said after a few minutes, “I have a feeling you’re going to find Cas. You two have the weirdest fucking bond I’ve ever seen,” he was chuckling to himself, “profound, almost.”

“What?” Dean gave Gabe a quizzical look.

“You’re both a mess when you’re not together. No Dean without Cas, no Cas without Dean,” Gabe glanced at Dean, “soul mates isn’t a term I use...but, you know. Maybe it’s a thing.” 

“Soul mates,” Dean couldn’t help smiling, “that would explain a lot.” 

“Cassy didn’t leave your side for a good two months,” Gabe turned out onto a main road, heading toward the bus station, “I still don’t know the real reason why he left.”

“Really?” Dean was curious now. No one seemed to know why Cas left. Was it Dean’s fault? He hoped not. He already felt like shit for Cas leaving school for him...and with the guilt he felt for dragging Sam into the murder of his father AND the fact that he was hiding said murder from his boyfriend’s parents, he just didn’t know how to keep from snapping. He tried to put it from his mind. If he didn’t think about everything, he wouldn’t stress about it.

“I was there when Cas came home from visiting you in the hospital,” Gabe said grimly, frowning, “he was so upset...and not just sad upset. I’ve never seen anyone so devastated, angry and afraid all at once. I tried to get him to tell me what was wrong…”

“What did he say?” Dean watched Gabe grimace.

“All he said was that you weren’t ever waking up,” Gabe was visibly frustrated, “I know that Cas didn’t believe that. Something, or someone, had to have destroyed his hope. Cas literally left school so he could be at your side. There’s no way he’d just up and leave,” he turned into the parking lot of the bus terminal, “sorry I couldn’t stop him from leaving, Dean.”

“I don’t think anyone could have stopped Cas from leaving,” Dean stared at the large, brick building, his heart pounding in anticipation. He was almost home free. 

“I bet you could have, lover boy,” Gabe smirked at Dean, “so, you’re heading to Yellowstone?”

Dean nodded, slowly turning to Gabe, “it’s the only lead I have at this point.”

“You’ll call if you find Cas?” Gabe punched Dean’s arm lightly, “Tell him his big bro is worried sick,” he added, clearly trying to sound nonchalant. Dean knew Gabe wasn’t kidding.

“Sure thing, man,” Dean opened the car door to get out, “thanks for everything. I really can’t tell you how much I-”

“Oh, stop it. You’re making me blush,” Gabe fanned his face sarcastically, “you’re Cas’ boyfriend...and the fact that you’re willing to search the country for him proves, to me, that you’re worthy of him. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I approve of you, Winchester.” 

Dean smiled; not a forced smile, a real one. Hearing Gabe say that he approved, even after the coma shit, made Dean feel a tiny bit of weight lift off of his shoulders, “aw, does that mean I can call you dad?” 

“Go find my brother, smart ass,” Gabe rolled his eyes.

“Thanks again,” Dean shut the door and watch Gabe peel out of the parking lot before turning back to face the bus station. He closed his eyes, inhaling, as he collected his thoughts before heading inside. 

This was it. He was in the home stretch and he could practically smell freedom. It smelled like diesel exhaust and urine, but, it was oddly comforting. Finally he could go find Cas...provided he could steer clear of the cops long enough to locate him. 

Dean knew he could handle it. He had this in the bag. Operation Find Cas was in swing and he was ready for whatever the road could throw at him.


	3. The Great Escape

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean leaves Heaven Hills, the search for Cas in full swing...that is, after he runs into a familiar face from his coma.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK. Short chapter, but TRIGGERS: homophobia (including vicious slang etc).

March 1976  
It had been two months, one week and three days since Dean’s accident. Cas still had hope that Dean would wake up. Dean had to wake up. He just had to. Cas refused to listen to the doctors and nay-sayers. Just because it was unlikely that he would recover, didn’t mean it was impossible.

Cas hadn’t once given up hope. He had been by Dean’s side every single day since the accident. Most nights he ever slept in the small, wooden chair he’d taken a liking to. It’s not like he had anywhere to be; he’d dropped out of school in January because, simply put, Dean was more important.

In all honesty, Cas tried to go to school. The first day after winter recess, he said goodbye to Dean and headed to Heaven Hills High. He sat in Bobby’s class for about fifteen minutes before he gave up, walked out and filled out the paperwork to drop out. Being away from Dean wasn’t an option. He couldn’t do it.

It was around noon, while Cas was trying to fix up Dean’s hair, when the door of Dean’s room opened. Cas glanced up, expecting a nurse, but froze, feeling the blood in his veins run cold. It was John Winchester. 

“So, it’s true,” John closed the door, keeping his voice low, intimidating, “you have some nerve being here, faggot.”

Cas flinched at the insult, “I have nothing to do with-”

“Liar,” John snapped, narrowing his eyes, “if he’d gone to his mom’s house like he was supposed to, this wouldn’t have happened.”

Cas inhaled sharply as John took a step closer, “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said quietly, not taking his eyes off the man.

“I ain’t stupid,” John hissed, clenching his fists, “I know you two are fucking.”

“No-”

“Shut your queer ass up,” John cut him off, “this is your fault. He ain’t waking up and if he does. you’d better not be here.”

Cas’ pulse was pounding in his ear. He couldn’t move, “I’m not leaving,” he whispered, reaching down to touch Dean’s hand, knowing it would infuriate John.

John glared at Cas, “you either get out of town or I swear I’ll kill you both,” he said gruffly, taking another step toward Cas, “your choice, nancy boy.”

“No,” Cas said stubbornly, lacing his finger’s with Dean’s. He wasn’t leaving Dean. Not even a threat from John Winchester could scare him off. He was sick of this shit. 

John nonchalantly pulled out a small pistol, “maybe I’ll let you live,” he smiled smugly, “and just kill Dean. Then you’d have to live with the guilt of knowing his death was all your fault.”

Cas’ heart sank at the sight of a gun pointed at Dean’s head. If he didn’t leave, Dean would die. He felt a tear trickle down his cheek, “if I live, Dean lives?” his voice was trembling. John nodded and Cas swallowed hard. He looked down at Dean, resting peacefully and felt more tears come, “I love you,” he mouthed, letting go of Dean’s hand. Avoiding John’s gaze, he left the room without another word, ignoring the fact that John was actually chuckling. Bastard.

Cas left the hospital, tears streaming down his cheeks. He didn’t stop speed walking until he was home. Anna and Gabe greeted him, but he made a beeline for his room. He tried to remain stoic as he grabbed a suitcase and began stuffing clothes into it.

“What the hell are you doing?” Gabe’s voice wasn’t a surprise. Cas knew he couldn’t avoid his siblings.

“I’m leaving,” Cas’ voice cracked.

“Cas, what happened?” Anna’s voice was behind Cas, “why are you leaving?” she touched his shoulder.

“I need to find myself,” Cas closed his eyes in a fruitless attempt to compose himself, “Dean’s not waking up. There’s nothing for me here.”

“Thanks a lot, bro,” Gabe said sarcastically.

“Gabe, stop,” Anna sat down on Cas’ bed so she could look at him, “Cas, what do you mean Dean’s not going to wake up? Is he okay?”

“He is now,” Cas grabbed a couple of books and stuffed them into the suitcase, “I have to get away,” he couldn’t stay, as much as he wanted to. Leaving Dean was easily the hardest thing he’d ever had to do, but he couldn’t let Dean die because of him. He wouldn’t be able to live with that guilt.

Anna nodded, “if this is something you have to do, then Gabe and I will support you,” she got up and touched Cas’ arm, “just promise you’ll keep in touch, okay?”

“Anna, you’re letting him leave? Are you freaking-”

“Gabe, he’s eighteen. If he needs to go, then he can go,” Anna said quietly, “we can’t tell him what to do forever.” 

Cas closed the suitcase, “I’ll call soon,” he walked out of the room, past Anna and Gabe and left the apartment after grabbing the keys to the Chevette, which was now technically his, since Anna and Gabe both had vehicles.

Gabe and Anna followed Cas outside, waving sadly as Cas sped off, honking once as a goodbye. He didn’t know where he would go, but he kept camping gear in the trunk, so, maybe he’d clear his head in the woods for a few days. He doubted he’d ever see Dean again, so, a vacation was exactly what he needed to distract him from reality.

***  
Present, 1976.

Dean hobbled his way to the ticket kiosk, putting his duffel bag down as he glanced up at the departures. He didn’t give a shit where he went, he just needed to get as far away from Heaven Hills, as quickly as he could. The only bus leaving in the next hour was one to North Dakota. 

“Can I help you?” the bored-looking kiosk teller asked.

“How long until the bus to North Dakota leaves?” Dean asked, pulling out his wallet.

“About ten minutes,” the telled yawned, “can I help you with anything else, sir?”

“I’ll take a one-way ticket to North Dakota,” Dean paid for the ticket and headed, as fast as his limp would allow, to the terminal.

Dean got to the bus just in time. He tossed his bag into the storage area on the side of the bus and went inside. The bus was almost empty, except for one man, who looked up at Dean, smiling amicably. The man was familiar and Dean had to do a double take. Dean knew the man in his coma reality. What the hell was going on? Why the hell was Ash on a bus to North Dakota?

“Looks like I’ll have some company after all, Marv,” the man who looked like Ash yelled to the driver, “you owe me a dollar.”

“I don’t owe you shit, you damn hippie,” Marv laughed, starting the bus.

Dean walked down the aisle, to the row of seats where the man was sitting, “mind if I join you, man?”

“Be my guest,” the man offered his hand, “the name’s Ash.”

Dean shook Ash’s hand, “uh, nice to meet you,” he sat down, “I’m Dean,” he felt odd introducing himself to someone he knew so well in that crazy dream. 

“So, what business do you have in North Dakota?” Ask asked, as the bus pulled out of the terminal.

“I just needed to get away,” Dean said cryptically, hoping this wasn’t going to be a game of questions. He trusted dream Ash, but he’d just met this Ash. They were most likely very different people. 

“Amen to that,” Ash pulled out a flask and took as sip, offering some to Dean.

Dean turned down the flask, “what about you?”

“I don’t like to linger,” Ash took another swig before tucking the flask away, “see, before I got drafted into the war, I was a roadie for The Doors,” he grinned, “I like life of the road. I’m a true drifter.”

“Shit, man,” Dean was immediately intrigued, “did you go over to ‘Nam?”

“That’s actually a funny story,” Ash chuckled darkly, “my first day in Saigon, it got taken over and I got myself shot in the shoulder,” he pulled his shirt collar down to show Dean the scar, “two days later, I was sent home with a damn medal. I don’t know how men lasted a year out there...you know, the part I don’t tell anyone is that I actually shit myself that day.”

“No shit,” Dean mused, entranced by Ash’s story. He was starting to realize that this Ash was a lot like dream Ash. This Ash was definitely as charismatic as dream Ash.

Ash snorted, “yeah, shit. Lots of it, man,” he nudged Dean, “what about you, dude? You from back there?”

“Heaven Hills, yeah,” Dean frowned, “my story isn’t that interesting,” he shrugged, “I was in a coma for a good part of this year and miraculously woke up after six months.”

“Not that interesting? Are you shitting me? You were in a coma for six months? Jesus,” Ash stared at Dean, “that’s the most incredible thing I’ve heard all year.”

Dean smiled slightly, “the fucking weird thing about waking up after six months is how much it feels like stepping out of a time machine,” he couldn’t help chatting. This Ash was a nice guy. Dean felt like he’d known him for years.

“I can imagine,” Ash pulled out his flask again, “you look like you’re not too happy about being awake. Let me guess, your significant other didn’t stick around?” 

Dean felt a knot in his stomach, “yeah, something like that,” he said quietly, looking down at his lap, “no one knows why he left…”

“Sounds like a mystery for us to figure out,” Ash hit Dean’s arm, “I’m a genius at solving stuff. Tell me everything and we’ll find, um-”

“Cas. His name is Cas,” Dean whispered, still not looking at Ash.

“Cas. Well Dean, we have like eight hours to kill, so, tell me about Cas,” Ash was smiling.

“You don’t care if I’m,” Dean paused, “gay?” There. He said it. Out loud. Finally. 

“Why the fuck would I care?” Ash raised an eyebrow, “That’s your business. Love is love, and all that.”

Dean finally looked at Ash, “you really want to help me find Cas?” he asked, not used to people accepting him for who he was. There were a few who did, but there seemed to be twice as many who hated him.

“I don’t have anywhere to be,” Ash took a pull from his flask, “let’s find Cas,” he grinned, “now I need to whole story.”

“Well,” Dean knitted his eyebrows in concentration, “I guess it started the night of the accident.”

“The night you got knocked out?” Ash asked, interested.

“Cas and I got into a stupid fight, that was my fault,” Dean sighed, “I walked out, drove off and hit some black ice,” he touched the long, pink scar on his forehead, “then I woke up two months ago and he was gone.”

“Vague,” Ash folded his arms, “I need details. What was the fight about?”

“I was too afraid to come out as, you know, gay. My dad,” Dean cleared his throat nervously, “he wasn’t exactly supportive of it. My mom left him for a woman, so, yeah…”

“Homophobic dad and a boyfriend who was probably at your side in the hospital, right?” Ash was thoughtful for a moment, “do you think your dad could have anything to do with Cas leaving?”

Dean clenched his fists. He hadn’t thought about it like that. Of course his fucking father had something to do with Cas leaving. Why didn’t he think of this earlier? It’s the only logical explanation for Cas peacing out, “you really are a genius,” Dean said softly, finally feeling any guilt from the murder melt away. John definitely deserved it, “I didn’t even think that piece of shit would have the balls to scare Cas off…”

“You dad sounds like a piece of work,” Ash said grimly, “my dad was a heroin addict...died from an overdose back in ‘63.”

“My dad was the most hateful person I’d ever met, but, it was only after my mom left,” Dean frowned, “I hated him.”

“Was? I take it he’s not a problem anymore?” Ash raised a quizzical eyebrow.

“You could say that,” Dean lowered his voice, “can I trust you?” he could tell when someone lied, and, so far, he believed everything Ash told him. No one could make those stories up.

“You can’t trust anyone, Dean,” Ash said sadly, “people are terrible.”

“Not all people suck,” Dean’s mind flickered to Cas, “but a lot do, I guess. I’m just glad my father got what was coming to him.”

“Now you have to tell me what happened, dude,” Ash laughed, “you’re one mysterious motherfucker, Dean.”

Dean chuckled, “I’d like to keep it that way,” he leaned back in his seat, “I don’t want my search party to ditch me before finding Cas because they got bored with me.”

“Touche,” Ash smirked at Dean, “so, what’s the first stop in the search for Cas?”

Dean closed his eyes, “Yellowstone,” he smiled, “I hope you like camping.”

“Dean, I fucking love camping.”


	4. The Happy Little Farm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas gets lost en route to Yellowstone and ends up in a small town in North Dakota, where he meets Chuck, a farmer who wasn't what he expected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! The Fastest Times broke 100 hits while I was at work, so I decided to type up chapter 4 for you guys. Thanks so so so much for reading my series! It means everything to me! :)
> 
> Also, no huge triggers in this chapter. Mild drug use. Nothing too too traumatic.

July 1976  
It had been exactly four months since Cas left Heaven Hills. Every single day had been a struggle. Dean was always on Cs’ mind, and even his dreams were riddled with memories of those unforgettable green eyes. He missed Dean, plain and simple, and no amount of traveling could change that. At the end of the day, he wished Dean was there.

Cas had no idea how Dean even was. Sure, he called Anna and Gabe, but those conversations usually consisted of Gabe telling him to come home. Nowadays he stuck to sending letters or postcards. He was desperate for information about Dean, but he couldn’t risk asking with John still out there somewhere. John was psychotic and Cas wouldn’t underestimate the man. 

As much as it sucked, Cas knew that the only way to ensure Dean’s safety was to stay away. At least he hoped that Dean was safe. Every single night he said the same prayer: “If there’s some kind of God listening, please watch over Dean Winchester and, uh, maybe somehow bring us back together. I hope you have a nice evening. Thanks...and, uh, amen.” 

It had become a habit; Cas couldn’t sleep without praying for Dean. He’d never been the religious type, because of the obscene amount of tragedy he’d endured in his life, but, praying was the only thing he could think to do. It gave him some peace of mind, even being hundreds of miles away. 

Cas stirred the smouldering embers of his campfire, pouring more water over the coals. He’d been camping near the Grand Canyon for just over a week and as much as he enjoyed the vast beauty of the desert, he needed a change of scenery. Preferably somewhere lush and green.

When the fire pit finally stopped smoking, Cas packed up his camp and got into the Chevette. He picked up his map of the Northwest and opened it up, “hm...where do I want to go?” he mumbled to himself, unable to decide. Closing his eyes, Cas moved his finger around the map for a few seconds before pressing it down. He grinned when he opened his eyes, “I guess I’m going to Wyoming,” he chuckled, “Yellowstone must be great this time of year.”

Before leaving, Cas scribbled out a quick note to his siblings, on the back of a nice postcard he’d purchased in one of the many gift shops in the area. The note was vague, but it was the thought that counted.

_Anna & Gabe:_

_I’m alive and enjoying the Grand Canyon. Headed to Wyoming next. Maybe Yellowstone? I’ll call when I’m back to civilization._

_Love, Cas_

***

Cas drove for hours and hours, only stopping to rest, before hitting the road again. His sense of direction wasn’t the best and after two days of driving, Cas threw in the white towel of defeat. To say he was lost was putting it nicely.

How the ever-loving hell did he end up in North Dakota? This wasn’t even close to Wyoming. Cas was sure he’d spent more time lost than en route since he left Heaven Hills, but, it definitely made for an interesting road trip. 

Cas drove into a small town and decided he needed to ask for directions if he was ever going to get to Yellowstone. He parked the Chevette in front of an old-looking general store and went inside. 

The shop looked like something out of an old western movie. Even the clerk had an old timey-looking outfit on; Cas smiled as he walked up to the counter.

“I don’t think I’ve seen you in these parts, friend,” the clerk said amicably, “can I help you?” he asked, waving at a disheveled man who’d just walked in. Was he wearing a bathrobe? “morning, Chuck.”

Cas nodded to Chuck, turning his attention to the clerk, “actually...I’m lost,” he admitted sheepishly, “I was wondering if there were any cheap hotels or something in town?”

“I have a guest room you could crash in,” Chuck chimed in, walking over. He offered his hand to Cas, “Chuck Shurley.”

Cas shook his hand, “Cas,” he said, not wanting any strangers to know his full name, “how much per night?”

Chuck held up his hands, “I don’t charge. My house is always open to the weary drifter,” he put a can of coffee on the counter, “I run sort of a bohemian, hobo haven farm thing,” he added, paying for the coffee. 

“I’m not a drifter,” Cas raised an eyebrow, “I’ve just been camping for a few...months.”

“So you’re a drifter,” Chuck grinned at Cas, “it’s not an insult, man. Vagabonds are some of the grooviest people ever,” he thanked the clerk and grabbed his bag, “I live about a mile up the road. Big, blue farmhouse. You can’t miss it.” 

“Do you need a lift?” Cas followed Chuck outside.

“Really?” Chuck’s eyes lit up, “that’s really generous, man,” he beamed at Cas, “I have a few cars back at the farm, but, I like walking.”

“A few cars?” Cas asked, getting into his Chevette.

“Yeah,” Chuck rolled down his window, “hey, do you mind if I spark this?” he asked, pulling out what looked like a hand-rolled cigarette, “you’re welcome to have some.”

“I don’t smoke,” Cas cracked his window, “but, I don’t judge,” he glanced at Chuck, lighting the cigarette, that Cas instantly knew wasn’t filled with tobacco, “oh, that’s not a cigarette,” he laughed, “I feel like an idiot.”

Chuck offered Cas the joint, “my offer still stands if you want a hit,” he waggled his eyebrows. 

“Maybe later,” Cas was almost tempted to indulge- it’s not like anyone was here to tell him no.

“Far out,” Chuck took a long drag, exhaling a cloud of potent smoke out the window, “my driveway is the one with the mailbox that looks like a cow,” he pointed to a white mailbox covered in black cow spots, “you can pull right up to the house.” 

Cas was surprised at how big the house was. There was a large garden in the front yard and a decent sized barn in back. It was an actual farm and Cas definitely didn’t peg Chuck as a farmer. He looked like someone who’d dropped acid at Woodstock, not someone who ran a farm. He couldn’t stop himself from chuckling.

“I know, I know. I don’t look like Old McDonald,” Chuck got out of the car, still smoking the joint, “but farming is my calling. I love it.”

“You really run a farm on your own?” Cas walked over to Chuck, who offered a hit to Cas, which he caved an accepted. He closed his eyes, taking a small puff and immediately launching himself into a violent coughing fit. So many people smoked pot, and truth be told, he didn’t expect it to be so harsh.

“I remember my first joint rip,” Chuck winked at Cas, taking the spliff back, “I was about to breakfast it up, if you’d be interested in some eggs and bacon from my own supply,” he flicked the cherry off the roach end of the joint and tucked it in his pocket, “I’ll just grab a few eggs out back.”

“I feel like such a city person,” Cas mused, “I’ve never been on a farm. Do you mind if I join you?” he was mesmerized by everything around him. Ending up on a farm run by a hippie was definitely not somewhere he imagined he’d end up, but it wasn’t a bad thing. Chuck seemed like a nice guy.

“Really?” Chuck’s eyebrows shot up, “well then, let me show you the ways of my happy, little farm, Cas,” he walked off toward the barn, motioning for Cas to follow him, “maybe I’ll make a farmer out of you.”

Cas was truly amazed by every single thing Chuck showed him. The animals were his favorite- he never expected to see a real cow up close. He liked it here. It was beautiful and Chuck was one of the most genuinely kind-hearted people he’d ever met. Maybe getting lost was a blessing. He just wished Dean was here to share the experience.

“This bacon is from a pig I raised from birth,” Chuck said, one they finally made it inside to the kitchen, “you haven’t lived until you’ve had farm fresh bacon,” he plopped a few slabs of raw bacon into his cast iron skillet, “not even the bacon I had back in Beverly Hills at my parents’ mansion compares.” 

“Mansion?” Cas asked, interested. Chuck was full of surprises.

“My parents were rich,” Chuck poked at the bacon with a spatula, “I inherited a shit load of money when I turned eighteen...so I bought a farm and use the money to keep my drifter bed and breakfast free to those who can’t afford a real motel.” 

Cas wished there were more people like Chuck, “I appreciate the hospitality,” his mouth was starting to water as the smell of bacon filled the kitchen, “most people wouldn’t just welcome strangers into their home.”

“I like the company,” Chuck cracked a few eggs into a separate pan, “most people who stay here are friends or friends of friends, so I’m not too worried about the trust thing. If one of my friends send a friend my way, they’re cool with me,” he nodded to the fridge, “there’s a cherry pie in there, if you want. I have the munchies like you wouldn’t believe, and I think that pie would pair nicely with bacon and eggs.”

“I knew someone who used to love pie,” Cas grabbed the pie and put it on the counter, “he would have loved it here,” he suddenly felt sad; Dean really would have liked Chuck and everything about the meal he was preparing. 

“When did you lose him?” Chuck asked quietly, plating the food.

“It’s complicated,” Cas sighed, cutting a slice of pie for Chuck, “I’ve lost him twice in the past year.”

“I don’t follow,” Chuck spooned some scrambled eggs onto Cas’ plate.

“I don’t even know where to start,” Cas prodded his bacon with a fork, “it’s kind of a long story.”

“I told you my story, now I’m intrigued about you, Cas,” Chuck said, his mouth full of pie, “who is this mysterious friend of yours?”

“Dean,” Cas closed his eyes, “his name was Dean,” he felt a lump in his throat, “we were kind of together...but we had to hide it, which ended in a stupid fight,” he looked at Chuck, “he got into an accident that same night and now he’s in a coma.”

Chuck stared at Cas, “shit...I’m sorry, Cas.”

Cas nibbled at a piece of bacon, “I stayed by his side at the hospital...at least until his father threatened to murder him if I stuck around…”

“That’s easily the most fucked up thing I’ve ever heard,” Chuck looked angry, “I don’t understand the whole gay-hating thing. It’s almost as ridiculous as the fucking war,” he put his fork down, “some people make me sick. I’m sorry you had to deal with all that. I really am.”

Cas was speechless for a moment. Chuck seemed like a passive, down to earth person, so seeing him upset was a little unnerving, “I’m glad there are people who don’t feel the way Dean’s father does,” Cas smiled at Chuck, “I didn’t mean to be such a buzz kill-”

“I don’t want to hear it,” Chuck’s friendly demeanor returned, “I want you to tell me that the bacon is the best you’ve ever had.”

Cas chuckled, “this is the best bacon I’ve ever had.”

***

Present. August 1976.  
After a seemingly endless bus ride, Dean and Ash reached North Dakota. They hitched a ride to a small farm down, where Ash knew of a guy who loaned out room of his house to drifters. Dean was wary of trusting Ash, but he couldn’t turn down a free room. It was risky to stay at a hotel- who knew how far the news of his father’s murder had traveled. He had to be careful. 

“Trust me, ma. This guy, Chuck, is cool. I knew him through a guy who used to work gigs with me back in my roadie days,” Ash got out of the bed of the pick-up truck they’d gotten a ride in.

Dean, with a little help from Ash, climbed out and looked up the long, dirt driveway before the cow print mailbox caught his attention, “nice mailbox.”

“You’re in farm country now, city boy,” Ash clapped Dean on the shoulder, “get ready for a culture shock.”

It was difficult for Dean to walk up the quarter mile long driveway with his duffel bag. His legs were still frustratingly weak. By the time they reached the house, Dean needed to rest; he felt wobbly.

Ash knocked on the screen door, “Chuck, you home?” he called into the house.

A short, frumpy-looking man poked his head into the entrance foyer, and Dean recognized him immediately. It was the Chuck from his coma reality. This was getting weird. He felt dizzy.

“I’d know that voice anywhere,” Chuck was grinning, “it’s been a while!”

Ash opened the door and walked inside, motioning for Dean to come in, “I didn’t think you’d remember me, dude,” he punched Chuck’s arm, “this is my friend, Dean. You wouldn’t happen to have a couple rooms for some travel-worn gents, would you?”

Chuck shook Dean’s hand, “I haven’t had a guest in weeks. By all means, stay as long as you want,” he waved them into the kitchen, “I was about to cook up some steaks from one of the cows I brought to the slaughter house yesterday, if either of you were hungry. I just smoked a j and I want meat.”

“You kill your own cows?” Dean followed Ash and Chuck into the kitchen.

“God, no,” Chuck turned the stove on, “I couldn’t. That’s Alastair’s job. He kills them and I take home the neatly wrapped packages,” he put a could of skillets on the burners, “I’d be a vegetarian if I had to kill my own animals.”

“You’re the weirdest farmer I’ve ever met,” Ash quipped, helping himself to a beer in the fridge. He gave beers to Dean and Chuck, “so, how’s business?”

“It’s not a business. I just let people stay in my house,” Chuck slapped a few steaks on the griddles, “just doing my part to help. It’s not like I need the money.”

“That’s for damn sure. You’re the richest hippie in America,” Ash cracked his beer, “here’s to you and your refusal to be a pretentious piece of shit.”

“I’ll drink to that,” Chuck raised his beer and took a sip.

“Wait. You’re rich?” Dean couldn’t help but take a liking to Chuck, and not just because he knew him in the dream. He was trying to gather his thoughts- he was in the same room as Ash and Chuck, like all the times in his San Francisco reality. It was so surreal.

“Guilty as charged,” Chuck sprinkled the steaks with some salt and pepper, “mom and dad left me a fortune when I turned eighteen, so I did what any normal eighteen year old would do. I bought a farm.”

“And you just left people stay here?” Dean couldn’t believe there were people as selfless as Chuck. Genuinely kind people seemed like such a rarity these days. Meeting Chuck was refreshing. 

“I like having people around,” Chuck took a pull off his beer, “it’s also better than smoking a joint with my animals.”

“Why doesn’t it surprise me that you get high with barnyard animals?” Ash snorted, taking a long whiff of the cooking meat, “that smells insanely good, man.”

“Her name was Cowntess Von Moo,” Chuck poked at the steak, “she was a good cow,” he smiled to himself.

“Cow puns. Now that’s comedic gold,” Ash nudged Dean, “I bet he spells countess with a c-o-w at the beginning.”

“As a matter of fact, I do,” Chuck smirked at Ash, who laughed, “keep laughing, Ash. That name is perfect for a cow.”

“I think it’s the only name for a cow,” Dean picked at the label of his beer. His stomach was growling. He hadn’t eaten since he left Heaven Hills and was feeling ravenous. The steaks looked delicious. 

“That’s what I thought,” Chuck put one of the steaks on a plate and handed it to Dean, “I like you, man. You appreciate my creativity.”

“Thanks,” Dean knew he was hungry, but it took every ounce of self control he possessed not to tear into the steak. He closed his eyes savoring the first bite. It was easily the best steak he’d ever had, “I owe you for this, Chuck.”

“Nah, you don’t owe me a thing,” Chuck insisted, handing Ash a plate, “I don’t need anything. I’m happy with everything I have.”

“At least let me help with your daily chores tomorrow. It’s the least I can do,” Dean offered, knowing he couldn’t do too much because of the stupid limp, but he was never one to take handouts from strangers. He refused to use a nice guy like Chuck. 

Chuck grinned, “if you think you’re up to it, I never turn down a little help with chores.”

*** 

Dean woke up early the following morning, to the smell of something delicious cooking in the kitchen. He pulled on his jeans and the plaid shirt Sam had packed for him. It was so peaceful here- he hadn’t gotten a good night of sleep in so long that he’d almost forgotten how much he loved to sleep.

Chuck was at the kitchen table, sipping coffee. He glanced up as Dean walked in, “I thought you wanted to help out,” he chuckled, “it’s almost six. I didn’t think you were ever getting up.”

“If six in the morning is late, I don’t think I’m cut out for this,” Dean yawned, helping himself to some coffee before joining Chuck, “what else needs to be done?”

“Think you can handle shoveling out the stalls in the barn?” Chuck pushed a plate of muffins toward Dean, “I’ve already milked the cows, gathered eggs and made these muffins.”

“You actually made these? I don’t even want to know what time you wake up,” Dean took a muffin, picking a piece off and popping it in his mouth, “oh my god, man. These are better than pie...and let me tell you, I freaking love pie,” he took another bite, grunting in approval.

Chuck raised an eyebrow, “you like pie?”

“Uh, yeah,” Dean gave Chuck a quizzical look. Chuck was staring at him like he knew him. But that was impossible. Dean was confused, “why do you ask?”

“I met a guy who knew a Dean who was a fan of pie,” Chuck shrugged, half-smiling, “it’s probably a really strange coincidence.”

Dean had no idea where Cas had been, but he was curious about the guy Chuck met, “if you don’t mind me asking, what was this guy’s name?” his heart was racing in anticipation.

Chuck took a sip of coffee, “he said his name was Cas,” he spooned more sugar into his mug, “he came through about a month ago.”

“Cas?” Dean gaped at Chuck, “Cas was here?”

Chuck grinned at Dean, visibly amused, “and you’re the Dean he told me about, aren’t you?”

“What did Cas say?” Dean asked excitedly, “Where was he heading? God, I’ve been looking for a lead on his whereabouts...man, you just made my day.”

“Well, Cas told me you were in a coma,” Chuck stirred his coffee, licking the spoon, “I think he said he was heading to Yellowstone. Poor guy showed up in town, lost as hell, so I offered him a room.”

“Yellowstone...that’s what I heard too. Guess I’m heading out that way for sure now,” Dean picked at the muffin, feeling his appetite fade. He wanted to leave to find Cas, but without a car, that wasn’t possible. He sighed, “let’s hope Ash and I can hitch a ride out there before Cas is on the move again.”

“Take one of my cars. I have like three of them,” Chuck said nonchalantly, “I think you need it more than I do. I usually prefer walking anyhow.”

Chuck’s offer caught Dean off guard, “you’re...giving me a car so I can go find Cas?” he asked, hoping this wasn’t too good to be true.

“Cas told me he lost you twice. I think you should go find him,” Chuck cleared his plate from the table, “you can take the ‘65 Buick.”

“Chuck, man, that’s too generous,” Dean said, still in disbelief. Was Chuck for real? Dean had to do something in return, “I don’t know what to say.”

“Say you’ll shovel out the barn, and we’ll call it even,” Chuck rinsed his dishes, “I’ll gas up the Buick while you do that.”

Dean wanted to hug Chuck, “that barn will be immaculate, I promise,” he finished his muffin and got up, “I’ll have Ash give me a hand.” 

“Good luck with that,” Chuck laughed, taking Dean’s plate, “Ash likes to sleep in later than you do.”

“Then I guess I’ll shovel some shit solo,” Dean took one last sip of coffee before giving the cup to Chuck, “I really can’t thank you enough, man.”

“I think cleaning up cow crap is a perfect thank you,” Chuck rinsed off Dean’s cup, “hell, I’ll ever let you use the good shower afterwards.”

“I’m sure your car interior will thank you for that,” Dean chuckled, “Ash too.”

“I don’t doubt that,” Chuck shut the water off, “I’m going to run into town now, do you need anything?”

“You gave me a bed to sleep in, you fed me and you’re giving me a car, dude, you really don’t need to do anything else for me,” Dean insisted. He felt almost awkward about Chuck’s kindness- he was so grateful, but, he felt terrible that he couldn’t possibly pay him back. Not even shoveling bovine boom-boom could repay him for his generosity.

“So, I’ll grab some road snacks then,” Chuck waved at Dean, leaving before Dean could argue. 

Dean was in such a fantastic mood that the crime he’d committed days ago seemed like a distant memory. He was free, he had a lead on Cas and a freaking Buick. Life was fucking wonderful for the first time in God knows how long. Not even cleaning up after barnyard animals could bring him down.

***

Two and a Half Weeks Prior.  
Cas loved Yellowstone. It was the most beautifully dangerous place he’d ever been. He felt totally rejuvenated and ready to rejoin society. The crippling pain from missing Dean was still ever-present, but Cas had learned to manage it.

There was never a day Cas didn’t think about Dean, or his siblings. He was out of touch with all goings on back in Heaven Hills, and that was a little stressful. The feeling of being utterly alone was common. After all, he truly was alone. No one even knew his exact location. 

Before leaving Yellowstone, Cas stopped into the gift shop, grabbing a postcard with Old Faithful erupting on the front of it. He placed it on the counter, smiling at the heavyset, blonde ranger behind the register. Her name tag read ‘Donna’ and there was a cat sticker next to her name.

“I love this postcard,” Donna said with a strong mid-western accent, “it’s so explosive,” she laughed at herself, punching a few keys on the register, “that’ll be twenty cents, hon.”

Cas dropped a few nickels in her hand, “thank you,” he took the postcard, “is there a mailbox in here somewhere?”

“You betcha,” Donna grinned, “just head on up to any ranger’s station and they’ll get it in the mail for you. I work at the west entrance this afternoon, if you’re headed that way, I’ll make sure the mail carrier gets it.”

Cas thanked Donna and left the shop. He got into his car and dug in the glove compartment for a pen. Quickly, he jotted down a note:

_Anna, Gabe:_

_Yellowstone was amazing. Not sure where I’m headed next, but I’ll call when I get there. Might check out Seattle. Miss you both._

_Love, Cas_

Seattle was the first place Cas thought of. He’d never been, but the west coast seemed to beckon him. Maybe happiness awaited him out there. He smiled to himself, excited for a new adventure.


	5. The Truth Will Set You Free

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After leaving Chuck's house, Ash and Dean head to Yellowstone on the search for Cas. When they get there, they're too late, but they get another lead on Cas' whereabouts. Dean finally tells his secret to Ash.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No triggers this chapter, just a mention of the murder. Nothing major.
> 
> Also, thanks to everyone who has read my series up until this point. I really appreciate all the kind words, kudos and subscriptions. Feel free to share my series! If you make a post on Tumblr about it, let me know! (I'm "cockney-bitch" on Tumblr. I will follow every single reader. So feel free to say hello!)

By the time Dean finished shoveling out the barn and showering, he heard Chuck and Ash talking downstairs. After packing the few things he had, Dean headed down to the kitchen, whistling to himself. He couldn’t help being in a good mood here. Chuck was a great guy and he was almost sad to go.

“Really, man, it’s no problem,” Chuck said, insistent, as Dean walked into the conversation. 

Ash looked at Dean, “this delightful piece of shit packed us a picnic basket of road snacks,” he said, laughing, “in an actual picnic basket.”

Dean chuckled, “straight out of a Yogi Bear cartoon,” he mused, opening the lid to peek inside, “damn, Chuck, you’re a regular Betty Crocker.”

“I do what I can,” Chuck slid a set of keys over to Dean, “I filled up the gas tank for you. It’s parked out front.”

“Of course you filled the gas tank,” Ash rolled his eyes, “you really are the nicest son of a bitch ever.”

“Seriously, man. This is so generous,” Dean took the keys, “I swear I’ll pay you back for this.”

“You shoveled out my barn. Consider us even,” Chuck offered his hand to Dean.

Dean shook Chuck’s hand, “thanks for everything. I’ll stop by if I’m ever in the area.”

“Tell Cas I say hello,” Chuck smiled, “my door is always unlocked, I hope you stop by again.”

Ash punched Chuck in the arm, “I’ll see you in the spring, dude,” he picked up the basket, “ready to hit the road, Dean?”

“Let’s go find Cas,” Dean said excitedly, thanking Chuck one last time before leaving the house. He was in high spirits. Things were looking up.

The Buick drove like a dream. Dean loved this car almost as much as his old Impala and was glad that they were a decent drive from Yellowstone. It wasn’t that he didn’t miss Cas, because he did, but he hadn’t driven since the accident and he’d almost forgotten how much he loved it. Driving was like riding a bike, he felt at home behind the wheel almost instantly.

After ten hours, Dean was beyond exhausted from staring at the pavement, but they were still several hours from Yellowstone. He reached for his cup of coffee, finishing up the last sip, “we need more caffeine,” he said, putting the empty cup down.

“Or I could take a turn driving,” Ash suggested, messing with the radio, “you look beat, man.”

“I got this,” Dean yawned, slapping Ash’s hand before he changed the Zeppelin song on the radio, “don’t you dare turn this song.”

“You’ve been driving for ten hours,” Ash sounded concerned, “you’re going to pass out and kill us both.”

“Not if you keep me awake,” Dean said stubbornly. He couldn’t stop now. He was so close to finding Cas, “tell me a story or something.”

“I always talk about me,” Ash complained, “tell me about you. I consider us buddies, but I literally know nothing about you, dude.”

Dean almost considered telling Ash about the murder, but changed his mind, “what do you want to know?” he asked, glancing at him.

“I don’t know...family? Cas? Anything,” Ash pulled out a cigarette and lit it, “why don’t you tell me about how you met Cas?”

“I was late to class on the first day of my senior year, as usual,” a slow smile played Dean’s lips as he recalled that morning perfectly, “I was screwing around with my now ex-girlfriend, in my car,” he felt a pang of sadness for his totaled Impala, “I walked into class four minute after the bell...and that’s when I saw him. Cas looked like a deer in headlights when we locked eyes,” he chuckled, “god, he was so shy. I sat down right next to him and introduced myself. We’ve been together ever since...well, before the accident, I mean.”

Ash snorted, “you adorable bastard,” he said, laughing, “this is like a real like chick flick.”

“I really wish I could argue,” Dean hated to admit it, but, this whole situation was exactly like a cheesy romance novel, “Cas and I certainly have one hell of a back story, considering we’ve only known each other a year.”

“Please spare me the gooey details,” Ash grinned at Dean, “well, except for the part when you realized you were madly in love. When did you know?” he sounded genuinely interested.

Dean had never thought about it, but he knew the answer almost immediately, “honestly, I fell for Cas the minute I saw him. I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with the shy guy, blushing in the back of English 104.”

“That’s sickeningly sweet,” Ash made a dramatic gagging noise.

“You asked,” Dean felt his cheeks burning. He was so excited to see Cas, even though he hadn’t the slightest idea of what he’d say after all this time. 

“I’m just fucking with you, man,” Ash hit Dean’s arm, “it’s actually refreshing to see that true love still exists in such a shitty world.”

“Let’s hope this shitty world will let Cas and I find each other,” Dean said quietly, finally seeing a sign for Yellowstone. They were almost there. Thank god. Dean wasn’t sure how much longer he could stay awake. 

“I won’t give up until we find him,” Ash said, his tone serious, “I’m invested now, so, I’m in it until the end, man.” 

“I appreciate that,” Dean said, grateful, as he pulled down a road that lead to a large parking lot. When they were parked, it was after midnight, “we should just sleep in the care tonight.”

“I call backseat,” Ash grinned, climbing over the seat, tossing his trucker hat onto the dash, “so, what’s the plan tomorrow?”

“If Cas camped here, he’d need a permit. I’ll head up to the ranger’s station and ask around,” Dean shrugged, not really expecting to get any information about Cas here, but, it was still worth a shot. 

Ash yawned, “good idea,” he used his backpack like a pillow and laid down, “night, Dean.”

“Night, Ash,” Dean shut the car off and laid down across the front seat, falling asleep easily.

The following morning, Dean woke up feeling surprisingly rested for having slept in a car. He hadn’t really gone out into a public place since the murder, so, he didn’t know if he was a wanted man or not. In a lame attempt at a disguise, he put Ash’s trucker hat on, before quietly getting out of the car. He couldn’t be too careful. 

It was mild and cloudy as Dean made his way toward the ranger station on the far side of the parking lot. Inside, a couple of people looked up, making Dean’s heart race. He was overreacting. No one recognized him. They just looked out of curiosity. 

Dean strolled over to the permit booth, where a blonde ranger was smiling broadly, “good morning,” she said cheerfully, “can I help you?” 

Dean glanced at the woman’s name tag, “actually, Ranger Donna, I’m looking for someone who may have a permit to camp here,” he leaned on the counter, offering one of his wolfish grins, “it’s my brother. He hasn’t written in a while, so I wanted to see if he’d been here.”

“Oh dear,” Donna looked genuinely concerned, “well, what’s your brother’s name, hon?” she grabbed a manila folder labeled ‘camping permits.’

“Cas Novak,” Dean said, watching Donna open the folder, “he’s a little shorter than me, brown hair, blue eyes…”

“Cas?” Donna’s smile returned, “he’s the one who was headed toward, oh where did he say...Seattle, I believe,” she handed Dean a piece of paper, “for a rock and roll concert. I can’t remember which band...but I do remember Cas.”

“Cas was here?” Dean skimmed over the permit. Cas left a week ago. Son of a bitch, “You’re positive he said Seattle?”

“If Cas drives a red Chevy, then yes, he said Seattle,” Donna took the permit, “I wish I could be more help.”

Dean was beaming, “that’s a lead on him. Thank you so much, ma’am,” he turned to leave.

“Hold on a sec, don’t I know you?” Donna asked, making Dean freeze, “I swear I’ve seen you somewhere.”

Dean’s pulse was pounding in his ear, “I, uh, don’t think so,” he reluctantly turned back to Donna, forcing himself to smile, “I’ve never been here. Maybe you’re thinking of someone else.”

“My mistake,” Donna laughed, “you have yourself a good day, you hear?” 

“You too,” Dean nodded and quickly left. Maybe Donna saw him on TV or in a newspaper. Or maybe it was a coincidence and his nerves were getting to him. He didn’t know, but, he had to be on guard at all times. Cas was so close and Dean had to find him. Getting caught by the police wasn’t an option. 

Maybe it was time to get some help with the whole murder thing. 

***

One Week Prior. 1976.

Cas walked into the rangers station and was immediately greeted by the Donna woman he’d met earlier, “you made it,” she waved at him, “good to see you again...I’m sorry, I never got your name.”

“Cas,” he smiled at her, “my name is Cas.”

“And I’m Ranger Donna,” she said, noticing the postcard Cas was holding, “did you want me to get that in the mail for you, hon?”

Cas handed her the postcard, “yes, please and thank you,” he glanced at the clock, “could you tell me how many hours from Seattle we are?”

“Oh, I’d say six or seven,” Donna handed Cas a map, “free map?”

“I have one, thanks,” Cas said politely, as an announcement on the radio caught his attention:

_“THE EAGLES! IN CONCERT!”_

Donna noticed Cas listening, “I take it you’re an Eagles fan,” she turned up the radio for Cas, just as the DJ listed a few upcoming shows. They were going to be in Seattle this coming Friday. 

“Oh wow, they’re going to be in Seattle,” Cas couldn’t help grinning, “I guess I know what I’ll be doing out there,” he handed Donna his camping permit, “I think I’ll be heading out now.”

“Well you drive safe, Cas. I’d hate for you to end up living it up at the Hotel California,” Donna laughed at her own joke, waving at Cas as he left.

Cas got into The Eagles because of Anna. She had every one of their albums and liked to listen to them when she painted, so Cas eventually took a liking to their music. He smiled to himself, “Anna is going to be so jealous,” he mused, starting his car.

The west coast awaited and Cas knew it was where he needed to be. He didn’t know why, but something was telling him he had to head west.

***

Present. 1976.  
As was sitting on the hood of the Buick, smoking a cigarette, when Dean returned, “you okay, Dean? You look nervous.”

“I’m good,” Dean lied; he was on edge about that ranger saying she saw him somewhere. If he was on the news or in tabloids, it was only a matter of time before Ash would find out about everything. He leaned against the car, “got a lead on Cas.”

“Where to, captain?” Ash put out his cigarette on the sole of his boot and tucked the clinch behind his ear, “...are you wearing my hat?”

“Oh, yeah...sorry. I haven’t showered and my, uh, hair was a mess,” Dean handed the hat back, wishing he could stop lying, “Cas was headed toward Seattle, according to the ranger in there.”

“Seattle? Weird. I thought he’s been roughing it,” Ash climbed off the car and stretched.

“I guess he was planning on hitting a concert there,” Dean pulled the keys out of his pocket, “I know that’s vague, but, hell, I’ll take any lead I can get.”

“A gig in Seattle,” Ash was thoughtful for a moment, “I might know someone who can help.”

“You know someone everywhere,” Dean smirked at Ash, getting into the driver’s seat, “it’s actually really convenient.”

“I’ve been everywhere, man,” Ash got into the car, “I have to know people, otherwise I’d be out on the streets when I traveled.” 

“Makes sense,” Dean pulled out of the parking lot, heading west, “so, who is this friend of yours?”

“That would be Miss Charlie Bradbury,” Ash grinned at Dean, “she might be the biggest geek in the world, but she’s a concert junkie. I guarantee she’ll know every band that’s played in Seattle in the past six months.”

“I hope she doesn’t mind a couple of dudes crashing at her place for a night,” Dean turned the radio on, “you think she’ll help?”

“Charlie and her girlfriend are saints. I was out there a few months back and they let me commandeer their extra bedroom for like a week. Trust me, Dean. They’re cool,” Ash rolled down his window and lit the half-smoked cigarette he put behind his ear.

Dean was starting to trust Ash. There was something about the way Ash spoke that assured Dean the he wasn’t being lied to. Ash was a friend, “you’re a good friend to have on a road trip.”

“You only like me for my connections,” Ash laughed, “you’d probably still be wandering around North Dakota if you hadn’t met me.”

“Oh, come on, I’m not that dumb,” Dean rolled his eyes, “I would have eventually asked for directions,” he added, the two of them instantly starting to laugh.

“You’re so full of shit, man,” Ash was still chuckling, “no dude willingly asks for directions.”

***

On the drive to Seattle, Dean didn’t want to stop, but he needed to get gas. When they pulled up to the station, Dean handed Ash a ten, “would you mind running in for me?”

Ash raised an eyebrow, “sure, dude,” he got out of the car and strolled toward the store.

Dean opened his door and slowly got up, hating that he couldn’t go pay for his own gas. He couldn’t risk anyone recognizing him. Sure, it wasn’t a definite that he was wanted by the police, but he wasn’t taking any chances. He was so close to finding Cas. 

After fueling up, Dean and Ash were back on the road. Dean could feel Ash’s gaze on him. They’d stopped three times since leaving Chuck’s house and every time Dean made Ash run into the shop; the one time Dean did go out in public, he wore a disguise. He knew Ash was getting suspicious, “I know you’re staring at me,” Dean said quietly, keeping his eyes on the road.

“Why won’t you go into stores and shit?” Ash asked bluntly, “You’re not telling me something, man.”

“I just hate stores,” Dean said slowly, wanting to slap himself for the terrible lie.

“Come on, I thought we were friends,” Ash punched Dean’s arm lightly, “what’s up, amigo?”

Dean sighed, knowing he was about to blow his cover. He couldn’t keep lying to Ash about everything, “if I tell you, you have to hear the whole story.”

Ash reached into the back seat and grabbed a bag of chips, “tell away, friend,” he stuffed a few chips into his mouth.

Dean inhaled slowly, afraid of the outcome. This could either go well...or Ash would freak, “you know about me and Cas and how my dead father was a piece of shit,” he finally risked a glance at Ash, “and how he got what was coming to him.”

“Go on,” Ash said, visibly interested.

“I never told you that my dad was...murdered,” Dean stared at the road, trying to remain stoic.

“Murdered? Holy shit,” Ash put the chips down, “was it Cas?”

“What?” Dean choked, the question catching him off guard, “no. Cas doesn’t have a mean bone in his body-”

“Was it you?”

Dean pulled the car over, “he said he’d kill me and Cas is he saw us together,” he said quietly, “this wasn’t a selfish act. He threatened Cas,” he voice was hoarse as he closed his eyes, remembering every word his father said to him, “he wouldn’t have rested until he destroyed our happiness. Even if it meant killing us both. My dad was capable of it too,” he swallowed hard, “I had to do it,” Ash didn’t speak, so Dean kept talking, “and before you give me the whole speech about how I should have gone to the cops about the threat...it would have been pointless. My dad was friends with all of them. I know it was fucking dumb, but-”

“Dean, I get it, man,” Ash said finally, “I’m not saying I agree with murder, but I understand why you did it. You did it to protect Cas.”

Dean looked at Ash, “are you gonna turn me in?” he asked, feeling his entire body shaking. Was this the end of his journey to find Cas?

Ash shook his head, surprising Dean, “I’m not a narc,” he folded his arms, “and I know that was a one time thing. You’re not really the vicious murderer type.”

Dean felt a wave of relief wash over him, “oh thank god,” he pulled back onto the road, “did you want me to drop you off in town?”

“Why the hell would I want you to do that?” Ash asked, confused.

“Because you could be arrested for helping me,” Dean didn’t want to get Ash mixed up in this murder shit. 

“Screw that. Shit just got interesting. I said I was in this until the end, and I don’t break promises,” Ash said stubbornly, “besides, how many people can say they’ve ridden shotgun with a murderer? This novel is practically writing itself.”

Dean finally laughed, “since when are you writing a book?”

“Since I found out you murdered your dad to protect your boyfriend,” Ash snorted, “you can’t make this shit up. One day I’m going to write your story.”

“How about we keep the murder thing on the down low until I find Cas...or, you know, forever,” Dean chuckled nervously, “I couldn’t survive jail, man. I’d be somebody’s bitch.”

“Hell yeah you would,” Ash agreed, snickering, “so, no biography then.”

“No biography,” Dean glanced at Ash, “hey, Ash?”

“Yeah, Dean?”

“Thanks,” Dean knew he’d lucked the fuck out with Ash being so easy going. Most people would have freaked out, but Ash understood. No words could have possibly described how grateful Dean was, “I owe you.”

“Buy me a fancy fuckin’ coffee in Seattle and I’ll forget this whole conversation happened,” Ash was grinning, “Deal?”

Dean offered his free hand to Ash, “deal.”

Ash shook his hand, “so, are we cool now? No more secrets?”

“We’re cool.”


	6. Life In The Fast Lane

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas and Dean both make it to Seattle, but just miss each other. Ash introduces Dean to Charlie, a concert junkie, who informs Dean about a concert Cas may have attended. He's three days late and out of ideas. As a last resort, Dean calls Anna and Sam.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter, but, they're getting close to finding one another, I promise!
> 
> Thanks so much for reading!
> 
> It'll be a little while until I update again because my birthday is coming up and it's going to be a hectic week. (But, Chapter 7 is in the works and I should have it done in the next 2 weeks! Maybe sooner if I get some more kudos and views. *winks*)

Seattle. Three Days Prior. 1976.  
It was raining when Cas stammered out of the concert arena. He’d been drinking since he woke up in the dingy motel room he’d rented the night before. As hard as he tried to put Dean out of his mind, he was constantly reminded of him. Naturally, he walked to the liquor store and bought a case of beer. 

Drinking didn’t really help Cas feel better, but, he was on such a post-concert adrenaline rush that the alcohol in his bloodstream made him feel almost giddy. As he made his way back to the motel, he hummed loudly, hardly putting any effort into trying to act sober. 

After four tries, Cas finally managed to get into his motel room. He flopped down onto the musty bed and closed his eyes, wondering how everyone back home was doing. It had been a couple of months since he’d actually called; drunk Cas got an idea. 

Acquiring another beer, Cas picked up the phone, dialing the familiar number to his old apartment. He hoped someone was home. Even if it was Gabe. He just wanted to know that they were okay. 

The other line rang several times before it picked up, “Novak residence,” it was Anna. 

Cas instantly smiled, “Anna, hi,” he took a sip of his beer, “sorry I haven’t called-”

“Cas?” Anna yawned, “Do you have any idea what time it is?” she sounded exhausted. 

“Uh,” Cas looked at the clock and chuckled, “whoops.”

“Are you drunk dialing me, Castiel?” Anna’s motherly tone kicked in, making Cas laugh, “so, that’s a yes,” she added; Cas could practically hear her frowning.

“I was just excited,” Cas said apologetically, “I just saw The Eagles-”

“You saw Don Felder without me? You jerk!” Anna snapped, “sorry, I’m a little jealous…”

“It was an amazing show,” Cas was grinning, “I got one of the last fifty tickets.”

“I’m glad you’re having fun, little brother,” Anna mumbled, still sounding half-asleep, “when are you coming home?”

“Who knows,” Cas swirled his beer around the bottle, “I saw a poster for a music festival in Portland, Oregon,” he took a small sip, “it’s only a few hours away, so I might camp out there and check it out tomorrow...once I sleep off this beer.”

“Portland, huh? Drive safe,” Anna yawned again, “everything okay out there?”

“As okay as it can be, I guess,” Cas’ mind flickered to Dean, “how is everyone in Heaven Hills?”

“Good. Gabe and Meg are living together and I’ve been working. Nothing too exciting,” Anna said, laughing airily, “we had Gabe’s birthday party last week, but he passed out drunk by nine.”

“I’m not surprised,” Cas snorted,” so...any word on Dean?” he asked, almost reluctantly, “I feel so out of the loop.”

Anna was quiet for a moment, “I haven’t heard anything. Sorry, Cas.”

Cas sighed, his smiled fading, “that’s alright. I just wanted to check in. I’ll let you sleep.”

“Goodnight, Cas.”

“I’ll write soon,” Cas hung up the phone and put his beer on the night stand. It was stupid to assume there would be good news about Dean, Cas knew it, but, he still hoped for the best. He missed everything about Dean, more so because he’d been drinking. Sober or drunk, he just plain wanted Dean back.

Cas kicked off his shoes and curled up on the bed, staring at a patch of mildew of the wallpaper. For the first time in a while he felt utterly alone. He closed his eyes, feeling a lump rising up in his throat. He wished Dean was there to tell him everything was going to be okay. He wished the fight and accident never happened. He wished a lot of things. Life wasn’t what he hoped it would be.

“I’m sorry, Dean,” Cas whispered, blinking through the tears welling up in his eyes. He’d held back for so long, but he couldn’t bottle up his pain anymore, “I’m sorry,” his voice was trembling as more tears came. He buried his face in the pillow, letting himself cry, “I’m so, so sorry,” he mumbled over and over until he finally cried himself to sleep.

***

Seattle. Present. 1976.

The afternoon was dreary when Dean and Ash pulled up in front of an old apartment building, just outside of downtown Seattle. Dean was vigilant to his surroundings at all times now, which was a hell of a lot easier with Ash aware of Dean’s dirty, little secret. Two sets of eyes were better than one.

Dean stretched when he got out of the car, “so, you’re sure this is the right place?” he asked, following Ash to the door.

Ash looked at the panel of doorbells, “here we go,” he pressed a button and waited.

“Who is it?” a woman’s voice came over the intercom.

“Charlie! It’s Ash, let me in,” Ash grinned at Dean when the door buzzed open.

It took Dean a while to hobble up the stairs, but Ash kept pace with him. When they finally got to the top floor, a door opened and a petite woman with red hair poked her head out into the hallway.

“Oh, you brought a friend,” she raised an eyebrow.

“Charlie, this is Dean,” Ash put his arm around Dean’s shoulder, “he’s on a quest to find his boyfriend and I think you could aid us in our search.”

“You have my interest,” Charlie finally smiled, “come on in.”

Dean nodded at Charlie as he walked into the apartment, “whoa,” his eyebrows shot up as he looked around as shelves of books, records and action figures. Band posters lined the walls and Dean whistled appreciatively, “cool place.”

“it’s a mess,” Charlie shut the door and ushered them to the sofa, “please, make yourselves at home. Hannah’s in the shower. I’ll tell her not to come out bare-assed,” she disappeared down the hall, returning a minute later, “so, how can I help you gents?”

Dean sat down next to Ash, “Ash told me that you’re a concert junkie.”

“That’s putting it mildly,” the girl, Dean assumed was Hannah, said, walking into the room, “I’ve met drug addicts with less dependency.”

“Oh, it’s not that bad, babe,” Charlie scooted over so Hannah could sit down.

“You spent our grocery money to see Billy Joel last month,” Hannah half-smiled at Charlie.

Charlie pressed a kiss to Hannah’s cheek, “but remember how much fun we had after the concert?” she murmured, lacing their fingers together.

Ash cleared his throat, “nice to see you ladies again,” he laughed, “Hannah, this is Dean.”

Dean smiled awkwardly, “hey.”

“Hello, Dean,” Hannah nodded at him, “what brings you guys to Portland?”

“We’re on a mission to find Dean’s boyfriend,” Ash chimed in, “and we need Charlie’s encyclopedic knowledge of music.”

“How did you manage to lose your boyfriend?” Hannah asked, cocking her head to the side, somewhat reminding Dean of Cas.

“I was in a coma,” Dean said, looking down at the weathered wood floor, “he took off while I was asleep.”

“Are you sure he wants to be found?” Hannah gave Dean a quizzical look.

“Hannah!” Charlie nudged her, “sorry, Dean. She doesn’t like to sugar coat things.”

“I was just asking,” Hannah frowned, “I apologize for being insensitive.”

“No worries,” Dean forced a smile, “it’s just really friggin’ complicated. Long story short, we think Cas was in Seattle for a concert sometime in the past week.”

Charlie clapped her hands together excitedly, “well, this is getting good,” she was beaming, “what kind of music does he listen to?”

“The only thing I know is that he was coming here for a rock concert,” Dean hoped Charlie could help him, despite all the vague details. 

“Hm,” Charlie pulled out a shoebox from under the coffee table and opened it, “let’s see...there hasn’t been too many shows this week,” she held up a few ticket stubs, “mostly local bands that no one’s ever heard of...unless your man is an Eagles fan. They were in town a few days ago. Loads of people went to that show,” she handed Dean one of the tickets, “the date of the show is on here, is that helps at all.”

Dean stared at the ticket. He was too late again, “fuck,” he sighed, handing it back to Charlie, “I’m too late again,” he mumbled, frustrated and out of ideas.

“Sorry I couldn’t help more,” Charlie looked sympathetic.

Dean shrugged, feeling Ash’s hand on his shoulder, “don’t worry, man. We’ll find Cas,” he said optimistically, “maybe you could call his family or something.”

“Maybe,” Dean had procrastinated calling everyone back home. By now he was sure the news about his father had gotten out. He knew Anna would give him an earful if he called, but, she was his best bet for a lead on Cas. He’d have to call eventually.

“You can use the phone in my office,” Charlie pointed to a door with a Batman posted on it, “the bat cave,” she added, grinning.

“I appreciate that. Thanks,” Dean used the arm of the chair to brace himself as he got up before making his way into the ‘bat cave.’ There were books and papers everywhere in the office. On the desk, next to a typewriter, was a phone. It was shaped like a hamburger. He couldn’t stop himself from laughing.

Dean took a seat in the beaten-up, leather swivel chair and picked up the receiver, which was a sesame seeded bun. He never thought he’d ever make a phone call on a burger. The whole experience was extremely entertaining. Dialing Anna’s number, he held the plastic bun to his ear, waiting for shit to hit the fan.

The other ling picked up instantly, “hello?” Anna’s voice answered.

“Anna, hey, it’s-”

“Dean Winchester, you stupid son of a bitch,” Anna cut him off, clearly livid, “what the hell were you thinking?”

“Anna, listen-” 

“No, you listen to me, buster,” Anna yelled, making Dean flinch, “how could you think that running would make sense? They’re going to find you, Dean. You’re in the newspaper. Suspect number one because your fingerprints were on the knife you left at the scene of the crime...you absolute idiot.”

“I’m sorry,” Dean whispered, knowing he deserved the verbal abuse. Anna had every right to be furious, “I had to do it.”

“I sincerely doubt that.”

“He threatened Cas,” Dean said, his voice low, “I had to do it,” he reiterated.

“Oh, Dean,” Anna sighed, “what the hell am I going to do with you?”

“You could help me by telling me anything you know about Cas’ whereabouts,” Dean said sheepishly, hoping that Anna didn’t hate him enough to prevent him from finding Cas, “I’m in Seattle...but I think he’s long gone.”

“Cas called three days ago,” Anna said after a long silence, “he said his next stop was a music festival in Portland...and then he asked about you.”

Dean swallowed hard, “what did you say to him?”

“That I didn’t know anything,” Anna said evenly, “he had no idea you’re even awake.”

“Good,” Dean breathed a sigh of relief.

“Are you going to tell Cas about John?” Anna asked after another pause.

“Yeah...I just don’t know what I’m going to say,” Dean closed his eyes, “that’s provided I even find him.” 

“If anyone is going to find Cas, it’s going to be you.”

“Let’s hope I find him before someone turns me in,” Dean frowned to himself, “just promise you won’t say anything to Cas if he calls.”

“My lips are sealed. As far as I’m concerned, this phone call never happened.”

“You really are the best,” Dean said fondly, “thanks, Anna.”

“I’m doing this for Cas’ sake, not yours,” Anna said sternly, “you’re going to have to earn my trust again, Winchester.”

“I can respect that,” Dean couldn’t blame her for being pissed. He fucked up and knew he’d have to work hard to fix this problem, “I still appreciate your help.”

“Just find Cas, and call me when you do.”

“I promise,” Dean heard Anna hang up and replaced the bun on top of the rest of the hamburger. Inhaling slowly, he picked it up again, deciding to call Sam. He wasn’t sure where Sam was, so he dialed his mom’s number first, assuming Sam would have to move in with his only other legal guardian, since he was still a minor.

The line rang until the answering machine message clicked on. Dean hung up. He wasn’t ready to speak with his mother. Hell, he didn’t know if he could ever bring himself to speak with her again. On a whim, he picked up the phone a third time and dialed Sam’s girlfriend, Jess. Maybe Sam would be there; he wouldn’t have to deal with parents either, because Jess had a separate phone line. 

On the second ring, the line picked up, “hello?”

“Jess?” Dean asked gruffly.

“Oh my god, Dean?” Jess sounded surprised.

“Is Sam with you?” Dean knew by Jess’ tone that she was well aware of everything. Sam must have told her.

“He’s right here,” the phone shuffled and Sam’s voice came through, “Dean?”

“Hey, Sammy,” Dean leaned back in the chair, “so...how are things?”

“My alibi played out, if that’s what you mean,” Sam’s voice was low; Jess’ parents must have been home, “you’re in the paper though.”

“I heard,” Dean sighed, “I assume they’re looking for me?”

“The chief of police was dad’s best friend. Of course they’re looking for you.”

“Do they know where I am?” Dean felt a pang of unease talking about this.

“No leads as far as I know. I told the cops that I hadn’t seen you since you left the hospital, so, they think you’re in hiding,” Sam sounded sure of himself, which made Dean feel a little better, “but, Dean, you need to be careful.”

“I know. I’m not gonna get caught. I’ll do whatever I have to to make sure this issue gets resolved,” Dean glanced up as the door to the office opened. Charlie slipped inside and shut it.

“Have you run into Cas yet? I assume you’re looking for him.”

“No,” Dean watched Charlie pull up a chair, holding a rolled up newspaper, “but, I have a lead on him. I’ll call soon, okay?”

“I’m staying with Jess, so, make sure you call her line,” Sam paused, “and don’t tell me where you are, so I can remain oblivious.”

“Roger that,” Dean felt awkward with Charlie watching him on the phone, “bye, Sammy,” he hung up and offered a small smile to Charlie, “sorry that took so long...things are kind of crazy right now.”

“I can imagine,” Charlie unfolded the newspaper and showed it to Dean. A sketch of him on the front page made him feel sick, “oldest son allegedly stabs father to death and vanishes,” she read out loud, “John Winchester, 46, was stabbed to death in his Heaven Hills apartment on-”

“Charlie, listen,” Dean said quickly, “I can explain.”

Charlie skimmed over the article, “there’s a picture of John here...he looks like kind of an asshole,” she glanced up at Dean, eyebrow raised, “I can’t help but think that there’s more to this story than some random murder.”

“...you’re not freaked out?”

“You don’t scare me,” Charlie smirked at Dean, “I think you must have had a pretty good reason for murdering your dad...and I have a feeling it involves Cas.”

Dean nodded slowly, “my dad wasn’t a fan of the whole...gay thing. He threatened us.”

“What a piece of shit,” Charlie handed the paper to Dean, “Hannah’s parents are like that. They’re super religious and kind of disowned her when they found out about me. You should burn that article. Stick it to the man.”

Dean laughed, “you’re insane,” he crumpled up the paper and tossed it into the trash basket next to the desk.

“I just hate homophobia,” Charlie stood up, offering her hand to Dean, “you have my full support, Dean. I want to help.”

Dean grabbed her hand and stood up, “you really want to help? Even if I’m technically a murderer?”

“Hell yeah, man. Anything for a fellow gay,” Charlie grinned at Dean, “is there anything I can do?”

“It would really help if I could crash here tonight, so I can avoid hotels and cameras and-”

“Done,” Charlie ushered Dean back into the parlor, where Ash and Hannah were chatting, “Hannah, Dean and Ash are crashing here tonight.”

“I’ll run to the store and get some dinner then,” Hannah got up and strolled over to Charlie, giving her a quick peck on the lips, “love you.”

Ash cracked his knuckles, “I’ll go with you, Hannah. Will you two kids be okay here?”

“I’m an adult,” Charlie rolled her eyes.

“I doubt that. Look at all these toys,” Ash laughed.

“Those are valuable action figures,” Charlie corrected Ash, “there’s a difference.”

“Don’t get her going,” Hannah pushed Ash toward the door, leaving the apartment.

When Ash and Hannah were gone, Charlie and Dean took a seat on the sofa, “so, did you get any new leads on Cas?” Charlie asked conversationally.

“Kind of,” Dean frowned, “I think I need to go to Portland.”

“Ooh,” Charlie’s eyes lit up, “there’s a groovy music festival happening this week in Portland,” her smile faded a little, “Hannah won’t let me go because I apparently pissed through my monthly concert budget on Eagles tickets.”

“You really are a musical encyclopedia,” Dean mused, “Cas’ sister said that he mentioned wanting to check out that festival.” 

“I went to it last year,” Charlie’s smile returned, “if he’s heading there, he’s probably going to camp at one of the campgrounds that host stages for the festival.”

“Do you think you could write down the names of these campgrounds for me?” Dean asked, feeling lucky to have met Charlie. Hopefully his luck wouldn’t run out before he found Cas.

“Only if you tell me how you and Cas met,” Charlie waggled her eyebrows.

Dean chuckled, “you got it.”


	7. A Second Second Chance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas ends up in Portland, where he meets a couple, who invite him to San Francisco. Little does Cas know, Dean is close. But not close enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, it's been just over a year since I started this trilogy. Holy CRAP. I can't believe I've gotten this far in just a year. 
> 
> You readers have truly helped me get to this point. I might actually finish a project I've started. The task is daunting and I'm afraid to end it, but I'm going to go ahead and say that this third part is about halfway done.
> 
> Like the fic? Definitely feel free to share it, leave kudos, subscribe and comment. :)

Portland. August, 1976.

Driving hungover wasn’t the best idea Cas had ever had, but he didn’t feel like paying a fee at the motel so he could sleep all day. His funds were running really low and he had to be careful now. Fortunately, Portland was only about six hours from Seattle and the weather wasn’t horrible, so, he made good time getting into the city. He stopped at a gas station to ask for directions to a campground near the festival, and headed toward the clerk’s recommendation, ‘Camp Gaia.’

The parking lot was packed, but Cas managed to find a spot close to the check-in trailer. Inside the trailer, he somehow lucked out and got one of the last tent sites. Gathering as much of his supplies as he could, he headed up toward site number 36.

Cas was out of breath, dropping his pack and tent bag on the ground when he reached the campsite. It was peaceful here; there was so much going on around him, but there was nothing but good vibes from the people he’d passed on the walk up. Music seemed to surround him and it was unlike anything he’d ever experienced. This was a fantastic idea. 

Once the tent was pitched, Cas set up the rest of his simple campsite- a few pieces of cookware, a small cooler and a portable stool. He poked around the trees for some dry firewood, making a teepee out of the branches, stuffed with moss and bark, with a few scraps of paper he’d found in his pocket. Pawing through his pack, he realized he was out of matches, “only I would forget matches,” Cas mumbled, frustrated, as he glanced over at a neighboring site, where a young couple was sitting next to their own roaring campfire.

Cas got up and strolled over to the couple, smiling shyly, feeling his cheeks burning, “hi there,” he waved at the couple, “I really hate to bother you two, but, you wouldn’t happen to have a match or two, would you?” 

The man grinned at Cas, “it’s always the most important stuff you forget, huh?” he mused, in a strong southern accent. 

“I must have used the last one when I was camping at the Grand Canyon,” Cas said sheepishly, hoping the couple didn’t see how embarrassed he was about the whole situation. Who the hell forgets matches? This guy, apparently, “I’m usually good with being prepared…”

“Rough night?” The girl smirked at Cas, “I work in a bar. I can smell a hangover from a mile away.”

Cas looked down at the grass, “I went to an Eagles show last night and-”

“Say no more, friend,” the man laughed, pulling out a book of matches, “here, catch,” he tossed the matches to Cas, “you can keep those, brother. Consider them a site-warming gift,” he paused, laughing again, “literally.”

The girl snorted, slapping the man’s arm, “you’re such a dweeb.”

Cas caught the matches, “thanks, I really appreciate it,” he took a step closer, offering his hand, “I’m Cas, by the way.”

“Benny,” the man said proudly, shaking Cas’ hand, “and this beautiful daffodil is my lady, Ruby.”

“Are you here for the festival, Cas?” Ruby asked, motioning for Cas to have a seat next to the fire, “We’ve been here since Friday.”

“I thought I’d check it out,” Cas sat down on the ground, “it’s not like I have anywhere to be.”

“A travelin’ man,” Benny half-smiled, “I wish I could travel more, but I’m a business owner. This trip was a real treat. I haven’t left San Francisco since last June. Ruby insisted that we drive up for the festival.”

“San Francisco?” Cas had never been to California, but he’d always wanted to go, “That must be exciting.” 

“You’ve never been?” Ruby’s eyebrows shot up, “Where the hell are you from?”

“All over,” Cas chuckled, “I used to move around a lot, until my family settled in this small town called Heaven Hills-”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold up a minute,” Benny interrupted, looking surprised, “did you just say Heaven Hills? Like, home of those killer chocolate walnut pancakes at the Sock Hop Diner?”

Cas raised an eyebrow at Benny, “yes, actually.”

“No shit,” Benny nudged Ruby, “small world, huh, babe?”

“You’ve been to Heaven Hills?” Cas asked, picking up a stick to poke at the fire.

“Been? Brother, I lived there as a kid,” Benny smiled, “I actually still keep in touch with a few people out there.” 

Cas never thought he’d run into a Heaven Hills local all the way in Portland, “I wonder if we have any mutual friends.”

“Let’s see,” Benny was thoughtful for a moment, “I was close with the Harvelle family. Ellen Harvelle is a saint,” he looked at Cas, “I was good friends with the Winchester brothers too. I still talk to Dean a few times a year,” he frowned suddenly, “haven’t heard from Dean since ‘75 though.”

Cas stared at Benny, his eyes wide, “you...know Dean?” his voice was soft; he felt a lump rising in his throat. Benny clearly had no idea about the accident. He really didn’t want to be the one to give him the bad news. 

“Dean was my best friend. He and I were inseparable,” Benny laughed, “his mom used to joke that we were long lost twins.”

“WAS your best friend?” Ruby rolled her eyes, “Whenever Dean calls, you’re usually on the phone for hours. You’re clearly in love with the guy, Benny.”

“I think someone’s jealous,” Benny kissed Ruby’s cheek, “maybe you’d have more friends if you weren’t such a spitfire.” 

Ruby folded her arms, “and guess who isn’t getting laid tonight,” she rebutted, looking smug.

“You know I love you, darlin’,” Benny put his arm around Ruby, “sarcasm and all.”

“What makes you think I was being sarcastic, pumpkin ass?” Ruby narrowed her eyes, a smirk playing her lips.

Cas wasn’t really listening to the conversation. Since Dean was mentioned, he couldn’t help feeling sad. He didn’t realize he was grimacing until he felt a hand on his shoulder, making him jump.

“You alright there, brother?” Benny looked concerned.

Cas poked at the fire with his stick, “no, not really. To be honest, I haven’t been okay in a long time…” he trailed off, really not wanting to ruin Benny and Ruby’s weekend. 

Ruby reached over Benny and grabbed a bag of marshmallows, offering them to Cas, “well, have a mallow and tell us all about it, Cas.”

Cas turned down the marshmallows, not feeling hungry, “I really don’t know how to sugar-coat this…” he closed his eyes, sighing, “Dean’s in a coma...he got into an accident in December.”

“That would explain why he hasn’t called,” Benny was quiet for a while, “any chance he’ll recover?” he asked, sounding reluctant.

Cas could only shake his head. After this much time, Dean was likely a vegetable. He hated to be a pessimist, but realistically, there was no way Dean would wake up after eight months. Miracles weren’t real. Dean was gone. The three of them sat in silence for a long time before Cas finally spoke, “I certainly know how to ruin a good afternoon.”

“I can fix this,” Ruby stood up and went into their tent, returning a minute later with a large, glass bong, “let’s get high and forget about how much life sucks for a while, okay?”

Cas had never been the type to sit around and get high, but he needed to distract himself. He ended up hanging out with Benny and Ruby for the rest of the afternoon, long into the night. They smoked and drank while sharing stories of their lives. After a while, Cas started to feel a lot better. Benny and Ruby were good people, and Cas was glad to have found some new friends. It was easy to be himself.

At one point, they all wandered over to one of the festival stages, but after one band’s set, Ruby demanded a hamburger, so they headed back to the campsite. It was late, but Benny insisted that Cas stay for a midnight snack, and he couldn’t resist. He hadn’t eaten all day and the bong rips from earlier were making his stomach growl. Burgers would hit the spot. 

“So, you never told us how you knew Dean,” Benny said conversationally, pulling a bottle of whiskey out of his tent, “how did you two meet? If that isn’t a rude question,” he poured the liquor into cups, handing one to Cas.

“We met my senior year, shortly after I moved to Heaven Hills with my sister and brother,” Cas took the cup and smelled the whiskey before taking a small sip, shuddering, “wow, that’s strong.”

“It’s freakin’ whiskey, of course it’s strong,” Ruby finished her cup in one go, “unlike your story, dude. So, you met Dean in high school...and judging by your avoidance of the subject, I’d say there’s a hell of a lot more to this than you’re telling us.”

“Roo, stop being rude,” Benny handed Ruby the bottle, “he doesn’t need to tell us his life story, we did just meet.”

Cas tossed back his whiskey, cringing for a moment, “it’s fine,” he coughed, “it’s just complicated.” 

Benny raised an eyebrow, a smile playing the corners of his mouth, “so Dean finally came out of the closet?” he asked, chuckling.

Cas was at a loss for words, “what? How-”

“I’ve never even met the guy and I knew,” Ruby chimed in, “Benny, isn’t Dean the one in love with John Lennon? Not in a fan way...in a really, really gay way. I’m pretty sure he said he’d bend Lennon over,” she was drunk.

Cas couldn’t help laughing, “that’s Dean. I didn’t realize his slight obsession with Lennon when I dressed up as John for Halloween last year.”

“Dean must have loved that,” Benny took the bottle from Ruby and took a swig, “I remember he actually cried on the phone to me when he saw The Beatles live.”

“I’m not surprised. Dean really loved music,” Cas smiled, wishing Dean was there, “he used to play his guitar for me.”

“I fucking knew it,” Ruby giggled, trying to take the bottle from Benny, “you two are together, aren’t you?”

“We were never official, but,” Cas had trouble describing the relationship he had with Dean. They acted like a couple, but technically Dean was with Jo when he was awake. Dean had no idea that Jo knew about them and supported their relationship, “after the accidents, things changed. His girlfriend, Jo, basically gave us her blessing...even though it was pointless since Dean was comatose.”

“Jo was my first grade girlfriend until Dean came alone,” Benny grinned at Cas, “it’s so weird to know the same people as someone you just met.”

“Dean’s a real stud,” Ruby elbowed Benny playfully, “you’d better keep him away from me. I might dump you,” she looked at Cas, “keep an eye on your man, Cas. He’s a suave motherfucker.”

Cas chuckled, “I’ll do what I can,” he got up and stretched, “I’m going to hit the hay. It was great meeting you guys.”

“Campfire bacon and eggs for breakfast. You in, brother?” Benny asked, waggling his eyebrows.

“I guess I’ll see you in the morning then,” Cas waved at them as he walked back to his tent, smiling to himself. He was glad he came to Portland. The west coast was definitely the best idea he’d had in months. He fell asleep to the distant sound of a guitar, dreaming of happier times with Dean.

***

Cas woke up the following morning to his tent being shaken, “wakey, wakey! Eggs and bakey!” Ruby’s voice scared the holy hell out of him.

“I’m up,” Cas said quickly, sitting up, his heart pounding from the rude awakening. He rubbed his eyes, yawning, before crawling out of the tent. It was mild and sunny.

“Morning,” Benny said cheerfully when Cas strolled into their campsite, “you hungry?” he held up a pan of sizzling bacon and scrambled eggs, “coffee is hot too.”

“Coffee would be great,” Cas mumbled, smiling tiredly as he sat down next to the fire. He noticed their tent was already packed up, “you guys are leaving?”

Benny poured Cas a cup of coffee, “I need to be at work in the morning, so, unfortunately, we have to head back to California after breakfast, since it’s a 10 hour drive.”

Ruby handed Cas a plate of eggs and bacon, along with a plastic fork, “where are you heading next, Cas?” she asked, popping a piece of bacon in her mouth.

Cas took a sip of his coffee, “honestly, I don’t know,” he said quietly, “I’ve been on the road for almost five months...I’m getting tired of traveling.”

“Five months?” Benny looked impressed, “I couldn’t do it. As much as I love traveling, it’s good to go home after a little vacation.”

Cas poked his eggs with the fork, “I would go home...but I don’t think I could handle going back only to have Dean still be in a coma,” he took a small bite of his bacon, putting the plate down. He wasn’t hungry, “I do kind of wish I could find somewhere to settle down...maybe find a job,” he picked up the stick he was playing with the previous night and drew a heart in the dirt, habitually writing Dean’s name in the middle.

“Well, if you’re up for a ten hour, non-stop drive, I might be able to help you out, brother,” Benny smiled at Cas, “I’ve been meaning to rent out that extra room of mine.”

“It’s really small, but there’s a bed and a closet,” Ruby said, her mouth full, “and the window looks out over the bay.”

Cas stared at Benny and Ruby, “you’d let me go to San Francisco with you?” he asked, hoping the offer wasn’t too good to be true. There was no way he was going back home and a fresh start was something he sorely needed, even if it was with two people he’d just met. 

“Why not,” Benny shrugged, “it could be fun.”

Cas went over the pros and cons of going to California and ultimately the pros won out. After a contemplative sip of coffee, he’d made up his mind, “fuck it. I don’t have much to lose.”

Ruby picked up the water bucket and doused the fire, “well, go pack up your shit and we’ll blow this popsicle stand, roomie.”

Benny drove his van up to the campsite so they didn’t have to lug their things all the way to the parking lot. Once everything was loaded up, they dropped Cas off at his cas, “try to keep up, brother,” Benny said, as Cas went over to the Chevette.

Cas gave Benny a thumbs up as he got into his car, following the puke green van out of the parking lot. He was excited to get a second chance at a new life. Dean would want him to move on. This was a good thing. He was so caught up in the excitement of a new home that he completely forgot to check out of his campsite. He wasn’t concerned. San Francisco was the top priority now.

***

Seattle. August, 1976.

Dean didn’t sleep well at Charlie’s apartment. He was grateful for the friend’s he’d made over the past few weeks, but he knew he’d never forgive himself if they got arrested for helping him elude the police. The rest of this wild goose chase had to be solo. This was his battle.

After writing a short, vague note, thanking Charlie, Hannah and Ash for their kindness, as well as apologizing for leaving without saying goodbye, Dean left. He snuck out of the apartment before anyone woke up, got into the Buick and put Seattle in his rearview mirror. There was a full tank of gas in the car and he made it to Portland in just a few hours.

It was sunny, to Dean’s surprise, when he got to Portland. Charlie had written down the names of campgrounds, along with her phone number, the previous night, so Dean started with the first place on the list. Cas could be at any one of the campgrounds, so he had every intention of checking every last one of them. He had to find Cas. This whole cat and mouse game was getting a little ridiculous. 

Dean found a pair of sunglasses in the glove compartment and put them on before going into each campground office. The first three had no record of Cas, and Dean was feeling discouraged by the time he pulled into the final place on the list, Camp Gaia. He put the sunglasses on as he parked the car, “here goes nothing,” he mumbled, heading toward a trailer, with a hand painted sign that read ‘Camp Office’ on it.

“Hello, friend,” a man with long hair and a tie-dye shirt greeted Dean as he walked inside, “I’m afraid we’re fully booked, if you’re looking for a site.”

“Actually, I’m looking for someone who may be camping here,” Dean smiled at the man, “his name is Cas Novak.”

“Site 36,” a woman with even longer hair said, glancing up from a book, “I checked him in yesterday. He should still be here.”

Dean felt a surge of anticipation hit him like a tidal wave. Cas was here. He was actually fucking here. Dean couldn’t believe he’d finally found him, “he’s here?” he asked, praying he’d heard correctly.

The man handed Dean a map of the campground, using a magic marker to draw out how to get to Cas’ site, “just follow the Peace Trail and it’ll lead you up to 36,” he said pleasantly, also giving Dean a visitor’s pass, “leave this pass in the bucket outside when you leave.”

Dean was beaming. He had to resist the urge to hug the hippie, “thanks, man,” he nodded at the woman as he left the trailer, shuffling up the trail as fast as his limp would allow. In a few minutes, he’d finally be reunited with the one person who made him feel whole. This was really happening. After a ridiculous search, the moment was here. Cas was here.

The closer Dean got to site 36, the more excited he grew. He was practically skipping by the time he reached a sign post with the numbers 35 and 36 on it. Taking a moment to collect himself, he walked down the path the lead to the sites.

When Dean reached the clearing, he froze, “you have got to be fucking kidding me,” he said to himself, seeing two very empty campsites. One of the fire pits was still wet and looked like it had been doused recently. He must have just missed Cas. Fucking again.

Dean’s happiness was shattered and replaced by frustration, “son of a bitch,” he yelled, kicking a tree in anger, “god dammit,” he winced in pain, but kicked at rock, finally losing it. Every fucking time he got close to finding Cas, Cas fucking disappeared. This wasn’t fair. Was this karma for the murder? It had to be. God must be having a good fucking laugh at his expense.

Giving up entirely had crossed Dean’s mind for the first time. Maybe he wasn’t destined to find Cas. Maybe this whole journey was a massive waste of time. Dean sat down on the ground next to the wet fire pit, sighing in defeat, “I give up,” he whispered, trying to ignore the tears welling up in his eyes, “you win, God.”

Dean sat next to the fire pit for a long time, eyes closed, trying to collect himself. After a while, he finally stood up to leave, but something caught his attention. Something was drawn in the dirt on the other side of the pit. He walked over to get a better look and felt a lump in his throat when he realized what it was. It was his name with a heart around it. He stared at the dirt drawing, knowing that this had to be a sign of hope, “I’m coming Cas,” he breathed, making up his mind to find Cas no matter what the cost. He had to.

Dean had no idea where Cas was headed, but he couldn’t have gone too far. He would go where ever he had to to find Cas; Detroit, Mordor, Narnia. It didn’t matter. He wouldn’t rest until he found Cas. God dammit, he was going to get a happy ending if it was the last fucking thing he did.

***

The weather was pleasant as Cas followed Benny and Ruby south, toward San Francisco. Moving on with his life was a huge step to take and he was terrified, but he also knew that if Dean hadn’t woken up, he probably wasn’t going to. Dean would have wanted Cas to be happy and Cas, though reluctant, knew that starting a new life in California was the right thing to do.

Why did he feel so weird about it then?

Sometimes Cas wished he never left Dean’s side. He told himself that he did it to protect Dean, but, there was a little voice in the back of his head calling him a coward for running away. Maybe leaving Heaven Hills was purely out of fear. Did he let John win?

Cas tried to put the negativity from his mind. This was his second chance. He had to take it. For Dean. He’d been so selfish, so now he could make up for it by doing enough living for the both of them. He had to. The guilt of leaving would kill him if he didn’t justify leaving. This is what Dean would want.


	8. San Francisco Is For Lovers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas likes San Francisco, but has no idea he's about to get the surprise of a lifetime.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At last, the climax you've all been waiting for. I made the chapter REALLY short to torture you guys a little more. ;)

Dean was clueless about where he’d go, other than in a southerly direction. Cas seemed to be down the west coast, so that’s what Dean decided to do. He didn’t really have a whole lot of connections on the west coast and he somewhat regretted not taking Ash with him, but, there were two people he could potentially call. He needed a place to stay.

First was Dean’s mom, in Sacramento. He instantly put the idea out of his mind. There was no way he could handle that. It had been almost a year since he’d even spoken to her and he was positive that she wouldn’t want to see him. Especially after the murder. 

The second option was much more appealing. Dean had a friend in San Francisco, Benny Lafitte, whom he’d known since he was seven years old. He typically called Benny a few times a year, but it had been months since the last time he called because he’d been comatose for a good chunk of 1976. He was reluctant about San Francisco because of the dream, but, it would be nice to see Benny. It had been far too long.

After several hours of driving, Dean had to stop. He still hadn’t slept and couldn’t physically drive anymore. Pulling into the parking lot of a podunk motel just over the border of California, Dean paid for a room in cash, using a fake name, just to be safe. He passed out the minute his head hit the pillow. 

It was dark when Dean woke up. Yawning, he looked at the clock- it was only a little after ten, so he decided to give Benny a call. He sat up and reached for the receiver of the phone, dialing the operator and giving Benny’s information before getting connected. It rang several times before picking up.

“Hello?” Benny’s distinct voice answered.

“Long time no chat, Lafitte,” Dean grinned to himself, “it’s Dean Winchester. How the hell are you?”

“Holy shit. Dean? It’s been a while,’ Benny sounded surprised, “I’m doing well, brother. Livin’ the dream one day at a time. You know how it is,” he chuckled, “How about you you?”

“It’s been a rough year,” Dean twirled the phone cord around his finger, “I was actually out of commission for a good six months, which is why I haven’t called. Sorry, man.”

“I heard about the accident. Glad to hear you’re doing better, friend.”

“You...heard?” Dean was curious now. Who told Benny?

“Uh,” Benny paused, “your...brother called a few months back,” he said slowly, “so, what can I do for you, Winchester?” he asked, changing the subject.

“I’m actually in California and was wondering if I could finally come for that visit I’ve promised since we were kids,” Dean had always promised to go see Benny one day, but it had never worked out. He hoped the invitation was still open.

“You know you’re always welcome,” Benny sounded excited, “my spare room is currently occupied, but my pull-out sofa had your name on it, if you’re interested.”

“You finally have a roommate?” Dean remembered Benny mentioning renting out the extra room, but none of the roommates worked out, “Do you think this one will work out?”

“You’d love the guy,” Benny chuckled, “He’s a nice kid. Rubes and I met him at a festival.”

“Cool, man. I can’t wait to meet the guy,” Dean smiled, “I was going to head out after I called Sam...so I’d be in town sometime in the morning.”

“Far out. Just look for the cafe with a groovy paint job, down on Haight Street. I live right above it.”

Dean could see the building from his dream, the ridiculous paint job and all. It wouldn’t look the same, that would be too much of a coincidence, “I guess I’ll see you in the morning then.”

“I work until noon, but the roommate will let you in, if that’s cool.”

“No problemo,” Dean said goodbye to Benny and hung up the phone. He took a quick shower before calling Sam. 

Jess answered, “Hello?” she sounded tired. He must have woken her up.

“Jess. Can I talk to Sam for a minute?” Dean asked, feeling bad for using her number as means to talk to his brother. He would have to bring her a present the next time he saw her to apologize.

“Of course,” Jess whispered before Sam’s voice came through.

“Hey,” Sam said quietly, “everything okay?” 

“So far, so good. Any news I should know about?” Dean hoped things weren’t escalating. 

Sam didn’t say anything for a moment, sighing as he spoke, “I saw a news story about Dad on TV last night,” he sounded worried, “you really need to be careful. This isn’t going away. If you’re on TV now, people might start recognizing you.”

Dean groaned, “you gotta be kidding me…”

“You brought it on yourself,” Sam’s voice wasn’t sympathetic, “you should have known that a kid killing a parent would be big news.”

“I know,” Dean was frowning, knowing he was a total asshole for getting Sam involved in the first place. He’d never forgive himself for being such a shitty big brother, “I’m sorry, Sammy.”

“Just promise me you’ll figure this crap out, okay? I want my brother back.”

“I promise,” Dean didn’t know what he could do to solve the murder problem, but he knew he’d figure it out, “I’ll call soon,” he hung up and grabbed his duffel bag, leaving the motel without checking out.

***

Cas liked San Francisco. It was truly a beautiful city. Benny’s apartment was bigger than he imagined, but his room was just as quaint as Ruby had described it. The room may have been small, but Cas fell in love instantly. Finally, a place he could call home. It was tiny, but it was his.

The night Cas moved in, Benny knocked on the bedroom door, “Cas, brother, you in there?”

Cas opened the door, “I’m here,” he smiled, in a genuinely good mood. He’d spent the evening unpacking the few things he had. 

“I just got a call from an old friend and he’s coming for a visit,” Benny leaned on the door frame, “Would you mind letting him in tomorrow morning? I have to go down to the shop for a few hours and Ruby won’t be around.”

“Sure,” Cas nodded, “I can’t promise your friend won’t be bored. I’m not very interesting,” he added, chuckling.

“Oh, I wouldn’t worry about that,” Benny smirked at Cas, “he’s a cool guy. I think you’re going to love him.”

“We’ll see,” Cas wasn’t confident in his people skills, but, he managed to meet a few great people on his own, so maybe he wasn’t as awkward as he thought he was. In a way, he was excited to meet new people. 

“That we shall,” Benny winked at him, “I’m heading out with Ruby for a few drinks. Will you be okay here?”

“I’ll be fine,” Cas assured Benny, “I might just go to bed early so I’m coherent when your friend gets here.”

Benny punched Cas’ arm playfully, “thanks, brother. I appreciate it,” he smiled one last time before leaving Cas alone.

Cas had only been in San Francisco for a few hours, but he already felt at home. He was glad to have met Benny and Ruby, and the prospect of meeting new people was exciting. For the first time in months. he was positive that he was exactly where he needed to be and couldn’t have been happier. Things just kept getting better, even without Dean there, he knew this new life would be just what he’d been searching for.

Cas had finally found himself, in California, of all places. Who would have thought?

***

Dean was distracted by the false memories of his coma reality as he drove toward San Francisco. It was after midnight and he was wide awake, having slept all afternoon. His mind was in overdrive, thinking about everything that had and hadn’t happened. 

Since waking up, Dean had been through so much and his journey still wasn’t over. He had every intention of finding Cas, but, right now he didn’t have a place, so, a pit stop at Benny’s was the only logical idea. So far, he’d met a handful of people from his dream and every single one of them helped him in the search for Cas. Maybe Benny could help too.

Dean thought it was strange to meet people from his dream and was a little apprehensive about going to the place he saw Cas die while he was comatose. However, he was also excited, because every time something from his dream crossed his path in reality, he seemed to get one step closer to Cas. Maybe San Francisco was exactly where he needed to be. 

Or maybe the dream was a warning to stay away from San Francisco. Dean put the thought from his mind. He had a good feeling about seeing Benny. It wasn’t like he had any other places to go, so, he turned up the radio and enjoyed the night drive.

Dean drove until the sun came up, only stopping once to fill up the gas tank. He’d begun seeing signs for San Francisco and grew antsy each mile closer he got. In an hour or so, he’d reach Benny’s apartment and he could figure out his next course of action.

When Dean finally crossed into the city limits of San Francisco, it was like a switch flipped on and his instinct took over. He’d never been there, but he knew exactly where he was going. His body was on auto-pilot and he made it to Haight Street without getting lost once. Everything was so familiar, as if he’d lived here his entire life.

Benny had told Dean to find the building with a groovy paint job, which wasn’t difficult. Dean’s stomach dropped when he pulled up in front of the exact building from his dream, around eight in the morning. He sat outside for a long time, trying to collect himself. Being here was so surreal. He almost considered fleeing, but something was keeping him here. He couldn’t explain it.

Finally, Dean shut off the car and got out, staring up at the building, “this is fucking weird,” he whispered, walking inside.

The cafe looked just like it did in the coma. Dean smiled at the barista, whom he would have bet money was named Jodie, as his instinct took him to the back stairs. Slowly, he limped up to the second floor, having to stop in his tracks because even the smell of the hallway was the same as it was in the dream. How was this even possible?

Dean’s stomach churned uncomfortably as he stood in front of the door he knew was Benny’s. Inhaling deeply, he reach up and knocked.

***

Earlier That Morning. San Francisco, 1976.

Cas woke to the sound of a car horn outside. A gentle breeze, smelling of the sea, drifted in through the open window and rays of morning sun filled his room with light. He sat up and stretched, rubbing his eyes as he got out of bed.

Benny had already left for work when Cas wandered out of his room, toward the kitchen. Still half-asleep, he fumbled around, making a pot of coffee. Once the coffee was brewing, he went into the bathroom and turned on the shower. If he was meeting a complete stranger, he figured showering was important. He didn’t want Benny’s friend to think he was a slob. After all, first impressions only happened once.

When Cas was squeaky clean, he dried off and got dressed. It was just before eight when he returned to the kitchen. He poured himself a cup of coffee and went to sit in the parlor while he waited for Benny’s friend to get there.

As he sipped the coffee, Cas flipped through a magazine about vans, that had been laying out on the side table. He glanced up at the clock, not sure what time Benny’s friend was supposed to get there. Morning was all Benny said, so, Cas assumed he would have company at any time. 

While filling up this second cup of coffee, Cas heard a knock on the door. He put the cup on the counter and walked out into the parlor, checking his hair in the hall mirror before unlocking the door and opening it.

Standing out in the hallway was someone Cas never thought he’d see again. He took a step back, staring, open-mouthed at none other than Dean Winchester, who shared his look of absolute shock. 

Dean couldn’t believe what he was seeing. After everything, Cas was here. It was like seeing a ghost. This had to be a dream. After what seemed like an eternity, Dean found his voice, “...Cas?”

Cas couldn’t move. He didn’t know how to react. For months he’d wanted this moment to happen, but now that it was here, he was unable to speak. So many bottled up emotions were stirring inside of him and his felt tears in his eyes. 

Dean took a cautious step closer, hands raised, “hey, it’s okay. It’s really me,” he said softly, waiting for Cas to say something. When a tear rolled down Cas’ cheek, Dean instantly pulled Cas into a hug, “I’m here now,” he murmured, feeling Cas clutch at the back of his shirt.

Cas finally broke down, clinging to Dean. Dean was really here. Cas was overwhelmed with joy and so many other emotions, crying into Dean’s shirt. This wasn’t a dream. He wasn’t alone anymore.

Dean rubbed Cas’ back, letting him cry. He took in the scent of Cas’ hair, closing his eyes, savoring the moment, “it’s okay, Cas,” his voice was hoarse as he tried to contain himself, feeling Cas trembling, “I’m here.”

It was a long time before Cas finally loosened his grip on Dean, “I can’t believe it’s really you,” he whispered, staring at Dean, his eyes wet with tears. He touched Dean’s cheek, just to make sure he was really real, “you’re really here.”

Dean wiped a stray tear from Cas’ cheek, “I’m really here,” he smiled weakly, blinking through his own tears.

Cas was almost afraid to believe this was real. He’d had so many nightmares that started out like this...but this time was different. Dean didn’t vanish. It had to be real life. Cas just hoped it wasn’t too good to be true. He couldn’t lose Dean again. This was a real second chance at happiness. Finally.

“So, are you going to invite me in?” Dean asked, brushing a piece of hair out of Cas’ face, moving his hand to cup Cas’ cheek, “Or are we going to stand here crying until Benny gets home?”

Cas laced his fingers with Dean’s, “I guess we should probably talk,” he tugged Dean inside, shutting the door. There was so much to say and he didn’t know where to begin.

What do you say to someone you love, whom you thought you’d never see again? Cas had no idea, but, now they had the rest of their lives to say everything they never could. This was their happy ending and Cas was over the moon with happiness.


	9. Secrets Revealed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas and Dean, reunited at last, finally have an overdue chat and leave San Francisco.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm thinking that a lot of the chapters from here on out are going to be a little bit short, so I can update more frequently for you guys. Unless you lovely people prefer longer chapters, which I will gladly merge chapters to make super chapters. Definitely let me know!
> 
> And, as always, thanks for reading! Quick reminder that THIS IS A SERIES. Read the first two parts first so you get the whole back story! :)

Dean looked around the apartment, finally noticing things other than Cas. The likeness between this flat and the one from his dream was uncanny, bordering on unnerving. They were damn near identical. It was more overwhelming than any case of deja vu he’d ever experienced. Dean felt dizzy.

“Are you okay?” Cas looped his arm around Dean’s waist, helping him to the bedroom.

Dean sat down on the bed, rubbing his face. He wasn’t okay. This was just plain weird. Here he was, in the exact apartment from his come, except nothing from that reality had actually happened. They were both here, but only because by some ridiculous fluke, Cas had met Benny, whom Dean had known for upwards of a decade. His head was spinning. 

What the fuck was going on?

Cas sat down next to Dean, watching him lay on his back, covering his eyes with his hands. Dean didn’t say anything, but Cas didn’t mind. It gave him time to think of something to say. However, he couldn’t help but be a little worried. Dean looked so much weaker and frail than Cas remembered. 

Dean laid, with his eyes shut, for a long time, grateful Cas didn’t bombard him with questions. Inhaling slowly, Dean looked at Cas, “so. I guess we should talk,” he sat up, frowning, “I don’t know what to say...I, uh, gotta admit, I didn’t expect to randomly find you here, with Benny.”

Cas raised an eyebrow, “you know, I was just thinking about Benny. He knew you were coming, obviously,” Dean nodded and Cas continued, “and Benny knew that I knew you,” Cas was quiet for a moment, thinking, before laughing suddenly, “I bet he set this up...us meeting by chance here.”

Dean snorted, “I’m not surprised,” he gave Cas a quizzical look, “how did you even meet Benny? The odds of this happening are slim to none.”

“I was camping in Portland and asked Benny for some matches,” Cas said sheepishly, feeling his cheeks burning, “because I ran out,” he glanced at Dean, “we got along. So, long story short, he invited me to take the extra room here, and I said yes.”

“I must have just missed you in Portland,” Dean touched Cas’ hand, still double checking that he was real, “you’re a pain in the ass to find, you know that?”

“How did you find me?” Cas asked, curious about Dean’s adventure. He never thought he’d see Dean again, now Dean was here. It was bizarre; Cas needed to know how this was even remotely possible.

“Honestly?” Dean laughed quietly, shaking his head, “dumb freaking luck,” he grinned at Cas, “I literally just lucked the hell out.”

“Why did you leave Heaven Hills in the first place?” Cas had a feeling Dean had more than one reason for leaving Sam and everyone else. He couldn’t put his finger on it, but something was off about Dean and it wasn’t just the limp. 

Dean didn’t respond, so Cas lowered his voice, “Dean, is there something I should know?” he knew something was wrong. Dean sucked at hiding things. Even after all this time, Cas could read him like a book. 

When Dean shook his head, Cas moved closer to him, “listen. Whatever happened, we can fix it. I can help you, but only if you talk to me,” Cas laced his fingers with Dean’s. They were together now and Cas wasn’t leaving again, “I know you must be upset that I abandoned you...but it wasn’t by choice. I promise.”

Dean squeezed Cas’ hand, “I had a feeling there was a reason why you bolted,” his mind automatically went to his father. He wanted to hear it from Cas to give himself peace of mind for murdering the piece of shit. 

Cas nodded, “it was your father,” he closed his eyes, “he had a gun,” his voice cracked and Dean tightened his grip on Cas’ hand, “if I didn’t leave, he would have killed you, Dean. I’m sorry-”

“Don’t,” Dean stared at Cas, feeling anger bubbling up inside. He knew his father played a part in Cas leaving, but hearing it from Cas made his blood boil. Before he could stop himself, he spoke, “he won’t be a problem anymore,” he didn’t break eye contact with Cas. 

Cas knew instantly that Dean was hiding something and he wasn’t entirely sure he wanted to know what it was. Knowing the relationship Dean and his father had made Cas nervous to know what this secret was. Reluctantly, he asks the inevitable, “Dean, is your father alive?”

Dean looked away, focusing on the wood floor. He couldn’t say it. It was too soon. Slowly, he shook his head.

Cas didn’t say anything for a long time. John Winchester was dead, that was certain. What Cas was afraid to know was how the man died. When Cas spoke, his voice was barely a whisper, “Dean, did you have something to do with your father’s death?” he hoped his gut feeling was wrong.

After a long pause, Dean sighed, visibly defeated. It was pointless to lie to Cas, “yes,” he said quietly, waiting for Cas to flip. He knew it was coming. 

Cas’ heart sunk. For the first time, he was scared of Dean. This wasn’t the Dean he fell in love with. The thing that terrified Cas the most was that Dean wasn’t lying. Dean may not have bluntly said it, but Cas knew at that moment that Dean had killed his father. Without realizing he did do, Cas let go of Dean’s hand.

Dean could see the fear in Cas’ eyes. Cas had never looked at him like that and he felt sick to the stomach. When Cas withdrew his hand, Dean tasted vomit in his mouth. This was it. Their breaking point. He was going to lose Cas again.

Desperate to fix things, Dean turned to Cas, who inhaled sharply when Dean touched his arm. Dean dropped his hand, feeling wounded, “Cas, I’m sorry,” he mumbled, a sense of self-loathing taking over, “he threatened you,” sighing, he raked his hands through his hair, “I couldn’t handle seeing you die again-”

“Again?” Cas cocked his head to the side, confused, “Dean, I never died.”

Dean groaned out of frustration, “look, you’re gonna think I’m insane, but, I didn’t realize I was even in a coma.”

“You...what?”

“Basically, I lived out a whole alternate dream reality thing where you and I ran away to San Francisco. Let’s just say it didn’t end well for either of us,” he glanced at Cas, “when I woke up and realized you were still alive, it was a lot to take in. I was so focused on getting a happy ending that I fucked everything up,” Dean knew what he had to do to make things right. Slowly, he stood up, “now I gotta make things right,” he smiled sadly at Cas, “I love you, Cas,” he turned to leave.

“Wait,” Cas grabbed Dean’s hand, stopping him, “where are you going?”

“I’m turning myself in to the police,” Dean couldn’t look at Cas. He’d made up his mind. Looking back wouldn’t make this any easier.

“No,” Cas tugged Dean’s arm, “you just got here. I’m not losing you again.”

Dean still didn’t turn around, “Cas-”

“Shut up,” Cas snapped, “I don’t care what you did to your father. We somehow managed to find each other and now we’re in this together. Yeah, I was a little freaked out at your confession, but now I’m invested. Wherever you go, I do. No matter what. Got it?”

“You mean that?” Dean finally risked at glance at Cas.

Cas nodded, “I’m in this until the end. Just tell me what I can do to help.”

“Cas, I’m a fugitive,” Dean whispered, “I can’t stay in the city.”

“Okay,” Cas got up and started packing his things without question. He didn’t care where he was because as long as he was with Dean, he was home, “would you mind filling up my water jug? It’s in the kitchen. I assume we’re going to be roughing it, so, we need water.”

Dean finally smiled at Cas, “thanks Cas,” he touched Cas’ shoulder before leaving the room. In the parlor, his eyes automatically went to the closet where he’d found a gun in his dream. A gun would definitely be good to have. Just in case. 

Pawing through the closet as quietly as he could, Dean managed to find a small pistol, stored exactly where it was in his dream, “shit, maybe I AM psychic,” he mused, stuffing the pistol in the duffel bag he’d discarded by the door when he came in.

While Dean was filling the water jug, the front door opened, “you boys here?” Benny called, chuckling.

Dean shut the water off and went out into the parlor, “glad to see you got taller, man,” he smirked at Benny.

“Dean Winchester,” Benny’s face lit up, walking over to Dean, “damn, it’s good to see you again,” he pulled Dean into a bear hug.

“Likewise,” Dean wriggled out of Benny’s vice-grip, “and I really hate to break it to you, but I can’t stay.”

Benny’s smile faded, “everything alright, brother?”

“Cas and I need to go back home. Nothing major, but, his sister needs us,” Dean half-smiled, “I promise we’ll come back for a visit soon, dude.”

“Did you fill up the water jug, Dean?” Cas walked into the parlor, noticing Benny, “Oh, Benny, hey. I take it Dean told you that we can’t stay?” he put his pack on the floor, looking at Dean who was mouthing ‘Anna’, “I guess, uh, my sister needs us,” he said, hoping it didn’t sound like a question, “but, I really appreciate the surprise reunion you pulled on us,” he smirked, “we definitely didn’t expect to see each other.”

Benny’s smile returned, “I’m glad I could help, brother,” he nodded at Cas before turning to Dean, “the next visit is going to be longer than five minutes, right, Dean?”

“You got it, Lafitte,” Dean punched Benny’s arm, “give my love to Ruby,” he winked.

“Bye, Benny,” Cas picked up his pack again, “thanks for letting me crash here. I owe you.”

Benny followed them outside, “you boys better not be strangers,” he helped Cas stuff his bags into the trunk of the Chevette, “what do you want me to do with the Buick, Dean?”

Dean reached into his pocket, tossing a set of keys to Benny, “could you keep her safe for me? It belongs to a friend.”

Benny caught the keys and tucked them in his breast pocket, saluting Dean, “I’ll treat her like a princess.”

“Thanks, man,” Dean waved at Benny as he got into the car, “stay classy, Lafitte,” he said out the window as Cas drove off down the road. 

“So, where are we going?” Cas asked, stopping at an intersection.

Dean shrugged, fooling around with the radio, “I don’t care. I just can’t know where I am.”

“Why can’t I tell you where we are?”

Dean settled on a Rolling Stones song, “if I’m clueless about where I am, I can’t tell Sam and if Sam is clueless, technically he won’t be lying if the cops ask him where I am,” he leaned back against the seat and closed his eyes, “just go wherever the road takes you.”

Cas heard Dean snoring shortly after and wondered how long it had been since Dean had actually slept. Hell, he wondered a lot of things. What had Dean done since he woke up? When did Dean wake up? What happened in Dean’s dream reality? Cas was overflowing with dozens of questions, but, for now, he’d let Dean sleep. They were finally together again and that was as good as it could possibly get, given the circumstances.


	10. Camp Canoodling and Unwanted Publicity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas and Dean are together at last, but Dean still has the murder in the back of his mind. He needs a plan and needs it soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No major triggers in this chapter...a little bit of fluff before I drop another plot twist on you guys in the next chapter. Enjoy!
> 
> And, thank so much for reading! I can't put into words how much it means to hear from people telling me that my writing isn't complete garbage. Talk about having the best fans in the world! :)

Dean didn’t mean to fall asleep. He felt at peace with Cas. So much so that he could finally let his guard down enough to relax for the first time in weeks. Relaxed as he was, the moment Dean shut his eyes, he was still faced with the false memories of Cas dying in his arms. All the blood...and screaming. He was yelling Cas’ name-

“Dean,” Cas’ voice was followed by a firm shake on Dean’s shoulder, “hey, wake up, you were dreaming-”

“Cas?” Dean reached out and touched Cas’ arm, just to make sure he wasn’t still dreaming, “sorry,” he exhaled, feeling relieved when Cas didn’t vanish, “was I talking in my sleep again?”

“You were screaming my name,” Cas flipped the car light on. They were parked just off of a dirt road, near a grove of pine trees, “do you want to talk about it?” he looked worried.

“It was just a dream,” Dean rubbed his face, trying to shake off the nightmare.

“Talk to me, Dean. You were panicking,” Cas was frowning. 

Dean caressed Cas’ cheek, smiling when Cas leaned into the touch, closing his eyes, “when I was in the coma, it didn’t end well for us,” he ran his thumb along Cas’ cheekbone, “that’s because I saw you die,” his voice was hoarse, “it haunts me, Cas. I wish it would stop,” he dropped his hand, not wanting to talk about this anymore.

“Dean…” Cas watched Dean get out of the car. He was curious about how Dean saw him die, but he was more concerned that Dean was being haunted by a dream. 

“Shit,” Dean groaned, standing up, “I regret sleeping in the car,” he quipped, stretching as he looked around, “I take it you found a camping spot.”

Cas got out of the car, “I just need a little sleep,” he opened the trunk and pulled out the tent bag, “my tent is kind of small and I only have one sleeping bag...but, I have lots of blankets, so, I hope you don’t mind sleeping in a nest.”

“A nest?” Dean watched Cas set up the tent, “You mean, like a bird’s nest?”

“Exactly,” Cas pegged down the tent, “I’m going to have you hand me the blankets from the back seat,” he kicked off his shoes and crawled into the tent, poking his head out, “get the lantern too. I think it’s in the trunk.”

Dean grabbed the lantern and lit it, placing it next the entrance of the tent, “I never thought you were the outdoorsy type,” he mused, opening the side door of the car. He grabbed the pile of blankets and handed them to Cas.

“I never used to be,” Cas pulled the blankets into the tent, “but, I realized, over the past few months, that I actually enjoy being around nature.”

Dean watched the tent shuffle around as Cas spoke, “I haven’t been camping since I was a kid,” he smiled at Cas as he poked his head out of the tent again, “how’s that blanket nest coming?”

“It’ll be decidedly more comfortable than sleeping in the car,” Cas held the flap open, “no shoes in the tent though.”

Dean sat down in the entrance of the tent and yanked off his shoes, before scooting inside, zipping the flap shut, “this is cozy,” he squirmed his way under the blankets, “now bad at all,” he grinned at Cas, who was still sitting up.

Cas knew he was blushing. He could feel his cheeks burning. It had been months since he’d been this close to Dean. For some reason he felt nervous. It was like he’d almost forgotten how to be close. 

Dean picked up on Cas’ reticence and sat up, “what’s going on in that crazy head of yours?” he asked, keeping his voice low. He didn’t want to spook Cas. The guy already looked like a deer in headlights.

“I can’t believe this is real,” Cas looked at Dean, “I never expected it to be like this…”

Dean wrapped his arm around Cas’ waist, “yeah...sorry that the reunion was a little fucked up.”

Cas finally laughed, “look at our track record. I didn’t expect the reunion to be anything less than fucked up,” he smiled at Dean, feeling his nerves dissolving, “I love you.”

With those three words, Dean felt the weight on his shoulders disappear. Dean’s biggest fear was that Cas would never love him again...but now it was going to be okay. Things would get better. They had to. Dean leaned in close to Cas, ghosting his lips on Cas’ cheek, “Can I kiss you?” he murmured against Cas’ skin, moving his hand to cup Cas’ other cheek.

Cas turned to look at Dean, who gently tilted his chin, barely brushing their lips together. Goosebumps erupted on Cas’ arms, a rush of excitement and anticipation surging through him, “Dean,” he breathed, closing his eyes as Dean finally kissed him. 

Dean smiled into the kiss, moving painfully slow. It had been so long since he’d kissed Cas. He wanted to savor the moment, but felt unsure of himself. He didn’t want Cas to disappear again. But this had to be real. He could feel Cas fiddling with the hem of his t-shirt, so Dean playfully tugged him so they could lay down.

Cas pulled up the blankets, snuggling closer when Dean draped his arm over his waist, “hi,” he touched Dean’s cheek, running his fingers over the stubble.

“Hey,” Dean pressed their lips together, more sure of himself. Kissing was like riding a bike, and it was all coming back to him. Cas leaned into the kiss, which Dean took as encouragement, flicking his tongue against Cas’ lip, “I missed this,” he said gruffly, stealing another kiss.

Dean missed everything about Cas...but what he missed the most was being close to him. Not ever in a sexual way. When he was next to Cas, he felt whole. Even here, in the middle of god-knows-where, in a tiny pop-up tent, Dean knew he was home. He hugged Cas, starting to feel lethargic. He could have easily fallen asleep just like this, “I missed you, Cas.”

Cas let Dean kiss his way down his jaw, murmuring about how much he missed him. He played with Dean’s hair, lazily carding his fingers through it, “I think you’re falling asleep,” he tilted Dean’s chin up, pressing their lips together, “why don’t you get some rest?” he gave Dean one last peck on the lips before turning over, so Dean could be the big spoon. Cas felt safe curled up next to Dean; he smiled in spite of himself. This was the happiest he’d felt since before the accident.

Dean pulled Cas closer, “love you,” he mumbled tiredly, falling asleep shortly after.

For the first time since he woke up, Dean wasn’t faced with the gory false memories. Instead, he was looking down at him and Cas sleeping. The two of them looked happy, small smiled on their lips as they slept. Dean knew all was right in the world.

***

It was raining when Cas woke up. For a moment he panicked, feeling an arm around him, but remembered he was with Dean and relaxed a little. Smiling, Cas shifted to try sitting up, but Dean’s grip tightened around him.

“We have to get going,” Cas tried to squirm out of Dean’s embrace, shivering when he felt lips on his neck.

“Five more minutes,” Dean latched his leg around Cas, nipping at his earlobe.

Cas opened his mouth to argue, but Dean’s lips were trailing along his jaw and he instantly got distracted. He rolled over, closing his eyes as their lips met, lazily moving in unison. Cas loved kissing Dean when he first woke up because everything was so painfully slow and gentle. It made Cas melt like warm butter on toast.

After a few minutes, Cas reluctantly broke the kiss, “we really do have a long way to go,” he sat up, stretching, “how’d you sleep?” he asked, wondering if Dean felt as rested as he did. He hadn’t slept that well in months and knew it was because Dean was back.

Dean yawned, rubbing his eyes, “I haven’t passed out that fast since I was comatose,” he poked Cas, “I think you drugged me,” he added, a small smirk playing his lips.

Cas rolled his eyes, “I wouldn’t even know what to use to drug someone, Dean.”

“Honesty is a virtue,” Dean chuckled to himself, crawling out of the tent.

Cas folded up the blankets and handed each of them to Dean, so he could put them back in the car, before helping to break down the tent. Once camp was packed up, they got into the car, “did you want me to stop for coffee?” Cas asked, starting the car and heading out.

“Coffee would be great,” Dean grinned at Cas, before turning his attention to the radio, “all this music is garbage,” he complained, sighing dramatically, “please tell me you have some tapes in here.”

“Check the glove compartment,” Cas turned into the parking lot of a coffee house a few miles from where they’d camped, “I’ll be right back. Cream and five sugars, right?” he asked, looking at Dean.

“You remembered,” Dean half-smiled, fishing a few dollars out of his pocket, “here, this should cover a little breakfast to-go.”

Cas took the money and got out of the car, leaving Dean alone. Dean watched Cas walk inside before turning his attention back to the glove compartment. He opened it and a few tapes fell out onto his lap, “let’s see what you’ve been listening to,” he raised an eyebrow, inspecting each tape, “not bad...The Eagles...Billy Joel,” Dean snorted, “and The Ramones? Cas, you rebel,” he picked up the last tape and couldn’t believe his eyes, “For my Cas,” he whispered, knowing exactly what was on the tape.

Dean popped the tape in and turned up the volume, hearing his own voice coming through the speakers, _“Is it on Sammy?”_ he inhaled slowly, hearing the banter between him and Sam, “I can’t believe he still has this.”

The car door opened, surprising Dean, “shit, you scared me,” he reached to turn down the volume.

“What are you listening to?” Cas asked, handing Dean a cup of coffee, “oh! Don’t turn it off,” he swatted Dean’s hand away from the radio, “I love this tape,” he hummed along with Dean’s guitar cover of ‘Your Song,’ pulling out of the parking lot.

“I can’t believe you kept this,” Dean took a sip of his coffee, which was made perfectly.

“Of course I did,” Cas looked offended, “why would I ever get rid of this?”

Dean shrugged, “it’s not very good. I suck at singing and-”

“I love your version better than Elton’s original,” Cas said, stoned faced. Dean knew Cas meant every word, “I can’t sing or play any instruments, so, to me, this is the best gift in the world,” his expression lightened, “you’re an amazing person, Dean. Don’t put yourself down.”

Dean and Cas fell into a comfortable silence, listening to the tape. Dean remembered making the tape with Sam, though, he’d nearly forgotten how simple things used to be. He missed it.

Things were complicated now. Dean knew he’d brought it on himself, but now he kind of regretted the murder. Cas was back in the picture and everything Dean had done was coming back to haunt him. He was thankful that Cas wasn’t bringing up the murder. That was a topic he wanted to avoid with Cas, if at all possible.

Sure, Cas wanted to help Dean with this fiasco, but, Dean refused to let that happen. He got into this mess alone, and he had to get himself out of it, without dragging Cas down with him. It was bad enough that Cas was here helping him, he didn’t want Cas to get screwed over for being a good person.

Dean needed a plan, that much as clear to him. He somehow needed to get away with murder. It was pretty much obvious that he was guilty; he accidentally left his knife at the scene of the crime, so the evidence was stacked against him. If he didn’t think of a plan soon, he knew this would end badly for him and Cas and he didn’t want that to happen. Not after everything they’d been through.

This problem needed to be solved as soon as possible and Dean was prepared to do anything to ensure he and Cas would be together.

\---

Cas liked having company on long drives. It wasn’t that he hated being alone, he just preferred to have someone to talk to. Dean wasn’t the most talkative passenger, but Cas didn’t mind. He was just glad to have Dean back. It wasn’t until Dean had returned that Cas fully realized how lonely he actually was. 

The current situation with Dean wasn’t ideal, but Cas would rather be with Dean, running from the police, than to have Dean still be comatose. Sure, this adventure wasn’t what he’d expected, but, it was exciting. Just him and Dean against the world. It was strangely romantic.

It was sunny as Cas and Dean drove through Arizona. Dean was on edge and had been complaining all day. Cas tried to tune him out, but he was getting antsy being in the car and didn’t know how much longer he could put up with Dean. It was like having a crabby child in the passenger seat. 

“I’m thirsty,” Dean said, as they were passing through Phoenix, “I would literally blow you for a soda,” he was whining.

They’d been driving for hours and Dean was cranky, which was starting to irritate Cas. First, Dean complained about the crappy radio stations. Then, he was apparently dying from starvation, followed by this new desperate need for a soda. Cas glanced at Dean, “only if you go in to get it,” he said, pulling into the parking lot of a convenience store.

Dean folded his arms, “as much as I’d love to show my face in public, I’d rather avoid getting arrested,” he frowned at Cas, “you want me to die of thirst.”

“At least it would stop your complaining every five minutes,” Cas raised an eyebrow, “histrionics don’t suit you, Dean.”

“Histri-what?” Dean looked confused.

“It means you’re acting like a drama queen,” Cas turned the car off, “now, are you going to tell me why you’re so cranky?” he knew Dean was stressed. Why else would he be acting like a child who had missed nap time?

Dean rolled his eyes, grabbing his hat and sunglasses ‘disguise’ that he’d bought in a small desert town in Nevada, “Have you ever been wanted for murder, Cas?” he asked, finally admitting to murder, out loud, for the the first time, to Cas.

Cas was taken aback by Dean’s outburst, “sorry,” he sighed, instantly feeling like a jerk, “I’m being insensitive,” he didn’t want to fight. It wasn’t worth it. He reached into the glove compartment and picked up his wallet, “did you want a Coke?”

Dean nodded, “I would freaking love a coke. I’m parched,” he smiled smugly, “thanks, Cas.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Cas got out of the car, annoyed that he couldn’t stay mad at Dean. It was that stupidly beautiful smile and Dean must have know it was Cas’ weakness.

It was hot outside and Cas was thankful that the store had air conditioning. He half-smiled at the clerk as he made his way back to the drink cooler. Grabbing a Coke, Cas decided to get a jug of water too. 

Humming to himself, Cas strolled up to the check-out counter, his eyes straying to a rack of newspapers. One headline caught his attention and made his blood run cold, nearly making him drip the drinks, “damn,” he grabbed the newspaper and put the items on the counter, a new sense of fear taking him, “just these things, please.”

“That’ll be a buck fifty,” the clerk didn’t look up from the TV he was watching.

Cas dropped the money on the counter and left quickly. His heart was racing. This was worse than he thought. He got into the car and threw the paper at Dean before pulling out of the parking lot in a hurry.

“Hey, what the hell,” Dean flinched at the paper being whipped at him, “easy, hot wheels. Where’s the fire?” he looked at the mess of newspaper, picking up the funny pages.

“Please tell me you’re not reading the comics, Dean,” Cas said hoarsely, fully realizing why Dean was on edge.

“Uh,” Dean closed the paper, “no?”

“Front page,” was all Cas could say.

Dean turned the newspaper over, “son of a bitch,” he whispered, as he was confronted with the bold-faced headline: **WINCHESTER MURDER SUSPECT STILL M.I.A.** , along with a large picture of him. The same picture he’d used for his senior portrait. He slowly looked at Cas, “this isn’t good.”

“I agree,” Cas said quietly, hearing his pulse pounding in his ear. He turned off the main road, down a scenic route, “what’s the plan, Dean?”

Dean stared back down at the newspaper, “I...really don’t know.”


	11. Things Can't Get Better Until They Get Worse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean is done running. He can't keep dragging Cas around the country, trying to avoid the police. He needs a plan, so he makes a few phone calls when Cas finally stops to get some rest. The plan that comes out of the phone calls isn't what he wanted to go through with, but it was the only option that made sense in his mind. He had to solve his stupidity with more stupidity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Plot twist!! ;)

After a long day of driving, Dean was happy to get out of the car and stretch his legs, even if he only walked from the car to the motel room. Cas had gone to check in, while Dean grabbed their bags. The room itself was dingy and smelled like body odor masked with cheap air freshener. 

Cas smiled apologetically at Dean, “I know it’s gross, but at least there’s a bed,” he kicked off his shoes, “I think you’ll be able to think of a plan if you just get a good night sleep. I know you’re exhausted.”

“Hopefully,” Dean watched Cas sit on the bed, “I’m going to take a shower first,” he ran his fingers through his greasy hair, “I kind of smell.”

“Don’t be too long,” Cas yawned, making himself comfortable on the bed, “I know you haven’t been sleeping.”

“I promise I’ll sleep,” Dean kissed Cas’ forehead, “you get some sleep too,” he added, before heading into the bathroom.

The smell of mold in the bathroom made Dean scrunch up his nose. He almost reconsidered the shower, but, hot water sounded magical after being on the run for several days. Stripping off his clothes, he got into the shower, trying to ignore the mildew stained tiles lining the walls. Dean was never used to an immaculate living space, but this was flat out disgusting. At least Sam used to clean the bathroom back home.

While letting the water wash over him, different ideas went through Dean’s mind. The warm spray was relaxing, but he still knew that getting away with murder was next to impossible. No matter what route he took with a plan, he faced the risk of being caught. Sighing, he reached for a little tube of shampoo with the motel logo on it, “maybe I could grow out my hair,” he thought out loud, squirting some shampoo in his hand before working it through his hair, “or I could get a fake ID.”

Dean massaged the flowery scented shampoo into his scalp, “I wonder if there’s a way to disappear without having to keep running,” he closed his eyes, letting the suds wash out of his hair.

As he was finishing up in the shower, an idea came to Dean. Sam was smart, so, maybe he’d have some insight on the issue. Dean shut the water off, drying himself on one of the rank-smelling towels and pulling on the slightly less rank clothes he’d been wearing, before peeking out of the bathroom. Cas was fast asleep, so Dean quietly brought the phone into the bathroom. The cord was just barely long enough for him to shut the door. 

Dean dialed Jess’ number and waited through several rings before it picked up, “Hello, Moore residence,” it was Sam, thank GOD.

“Sammy?” Dean kept his voice low, not wanting to wake up Cas, “it’s me.”

“I was hoping you’d call. There’s been a change of plans,” Sam sounded annoyed, “I have to go live with Mom.”

“What? I thought you were staying with Jess,” Dean sat down on the floor, leaving against the door.

Sam sighed, “I’m a minor and technically Mom is my legal guardian, so I’m being forced to move to Sacramento next week.”

“How’d Jess handle the news?” Dean asked, feeling sympathy for his brother having to leave his girlfriend. He knew the pain all too well.

“She was upset...we’re both pretty bummed out,” Sam said sadly, “I know my problems are trivial compared to yours, but, it still sucks.”

“Mom’s not that bad,” Dean felt a pang of guilt for having lost touch with his mom, “how is mom, by the way?”

“Mom and Muriel are both excited that I’m moving in,” Sam chuckled, “she said it’ll be like Christmas every day.”

Dean smiled, “I’m glad she’s okay,” he paused, “she hasn’t mentioned me, has she?”

Sam was quiet for several moments, “Mom thinks you’re innocent,” he said slowly.

Dean knew Sam was lying, but, he had more pressing matters to deal with, “speaking of all...that,” he cleared his throat, “I, uh, saw a newspaper earlier today.”

“I’m not surprised.”

“I need a plan, Sammy,” Dean frowned, “I’m sick of running...and was kinda hoping you might have some ideas because I’m drawing a freaking blank, man.”

“I can’t say I’ve given it any thought. It’s not like I’ve ever been in your situation,” Sam yawned, “if you want to drop off the radar, you’d most likely have to do something drastic…”

“Like what?” Dean prodded, open to any suggestions.

“I don’t know, Dean,” Sam paused for a few seconds, laughing suddenly, “it’s awful that I’m laughing, but the only idea I got just now was faking your own death, which is ridiculous. That would never work.”

Dean was instantly intrigued, but laughed it off, “I think you watch too many movies,” he tried to sound nonchalant, despite the gears turning in his head. If he wanted to disappear, a fake death would be a good way to get the cops off his back. Well, maybe. It was possible that Sam was right about the idea being stupid, but Dean had to entertain all possibilities, “hey, I should get going. So...I guess we’ll chat when we chat, huh?”

“Wait a second, Dean,” Sam said quickly, “Did you find Cas?”

“Yeah...I’ll tell you the whole story when all this shit blows over,” Dean stretched out his legs, cracking his toes, “but, Cas and I are together now.”

“Then make sure you don’t do anything stupid, Dean,” Sam said, his tone serious.

“I won’t,” Dean lied. He knew stupidity got him into this mess, and stupidity was likely the only way to get out of it. Or maybe he was thinking of something else entirely. A fake death made sense to him, “you behave, Sam,” he hung up the phone before Sam called him out on lying.

Dean’s mind was racing with how faking his death could result in getting away with murder. He reached into his pants pocket, pulling out a crumpled piece of paper, flattening it out on his lap. He smiled at the list of campsites that Charlie had written out for him before he left Seattle, “and if you get into trouble, call me,” he read out loud, his eyes skimming over the phone number, “let’s hope Charlie will still help me.”

Charlie’s line rang a few times before a loud yawn came through, “hello?” a tired voice answered.

“Charlie, I need to disappear,” Dean whispered, without saying hi.

“Dean?” Charlie yawned again, mid-word, “You know, if I wasn’t half-asleep, I’d tear into you like a grizzly bear. You just up and leave in the middle of the night, without even saying goodbye. Then, you call a week later, telling me that you need to disappear. What the hell, man,” she complained, he voice still addled with sleep.

“Hey, sorry,” Dean said sheepishly, “I’m on edge. I just found Cas and I’m not losing him. Not again,” he sighed, “Charlie, I need to disappear,” he said again.

“Oh! You found him,” Charlie sounded interested, “so, what’s the plan to disappear? Anything I can help with?”

 

Dean smiled, knowing Charlie would come through for him, “well...in your opinion, do you think someone could get away with murder by faking their own death?”

“Hm,” Charlie paused for a moment, “well, it would make the person look awfully guilty-”

“The person isn’t concerned about what people think. They want to stop being hunted by the cops,” Dean interjected, his voice still a whisper.

“Alright,” Charlie said slowly, “in that case, I guess if the person wanted the police to stop searching, a fake death could be a solution.”

“Would it really work?” Dean asked, his heart pounding with excitement at the prospect of a plan.

“If it was done right, yeah,” Charlie sounded fairly sure of herself, “but, with something like faking a death, you’d literally have to fool everyone.”

“Everyone?” Dean’s heart sank.

“Duh. Friends, family, everyone,” Charlie sounded serious, “if the cops know they have an association to you, they need to think you’re dead.”

“...even Cas?” Dean asked, his voice cracking.

“Especially Cas,” Charlie said softly, “they know you and Cas are an item, so Cas will definitely be questioned. He needs to think you’re dead if it’s going to work.”

Dean closed his eyes, “so, how do I do this?” his voice was hoarse. He’d just gotten Cas back and now he had to trick him into thinking he was dead. Hurting Cas wasn’t something Dean wanted to do, but he couldn’t keep running. It wasn’t fair to Cas. He deserved so much better.

“Let’s see,” Charlie rustled some papers on her end, “you’d need to execute the plan somewhere with a way to keep it so a body couldn’t be recovered,” more papers shuffled around, “honestly, I’m looking at a map right now and I think your best bet would be a deep body of water.”

“Like the ocean?” Dean’s mind started flickering to potential locations, “Because they could drag a lake if they wanted a body bad enough.”

“Exactly,” Charlie paused, “What about hurling yourself off a cliff into the ocean?” she suggested, “I mean, if you picked a good spot, where you can’t access the water because of sharp rocks or something...it could work. Maybe some place desolate like Maine?”

“But how would the cops know I was dead and now just missing?” Dean sighed, “Without a body I’m not considered dead.”

“If you hammed it up with a suicide note, they would have to assume you at least tried to off yourself,” Charlie said quietly.

Dean felt his stomach churn, “of course,” he said gruffly, “I should have known this wouldn’t be easy.”

“We could always get your a wig and a fake ID,” Charlie yawned again, “but, you’d still have to be extra careful because the cops would still be looking for you.”

“No matter what I’m going to have to be careful,” Dean pressed his ear to the door, listening to see if Cas was still snoring. It was silent, “shit, I gotta go. I think Cas is up. I’ll call soon,” he said quickly before hanging up.

Dean closed his eyes, raking his hands over his face, “what the hell have I gotten myself into?”

***

Cas woke up shortly after he’d fallen asleep, to the sound of Dean’s muffled voice in the bathroom. Assuming Dean was on the phone with Sam, he relaxed a little, closing his eyes and pretending his was asleep when the door opened. He listened to Dean’s distinct limp-shuffle come toward the bed, before it dipped under Dean’s weight. Cas smiled to himself as he felt an arm around him.

“I know you’re awake,” Dean murmured, nuzzling Cas’ neck.

“No, I’m now,” Cas squirmed when Dean nipped at his earlobe, “fine, I’m up,” he reached over and flipped on the lamp, turning over to face Dean, who looked incredibly stressed, “are you okay?” he asked, concerned.

Dean quickly pressed their lips together, “I am now.”

Cas knew Dean wasn’t being entirely honest. Kissing was the way Dean distracted Cas from talking about feelings. Not that Cas minded. In fact, he was growing rather fond of these impromptu make out sessions. Kissing Dean never got old. Every kiss was like the very first time, fireworks and all.

After a while, Cas found himself starting to doze off in Dean’s arms. Dean was playing with Cas’ hair, humming. It was hypnotic. Cas snuggled closer, yawning, “I’m glad we’re in this together now,” he mumbled.

Dean kissed the top of Cas’ head, “I think I know where we need to go,” he whispered, still lazily carding his fingers through Cas’ hair.

Cas looked at Dean, raising an eyebrow, “really?” he asked, curious about the phone call he had tried to eavesdrop on.

Dean smiled, but looked sad, which was unnerving to Cas, “yeah. How to do feel about Maine?”

“Maine,” Cas nodded tiredly, “okay.”

Dean hugged Cas closer, “so, you’ll go?”

Cas touched Dean’s stubbly cheek, “I’ll go anywhere with you,” he whispered, meaning every word. Despite all odds, they’d found one another. It was meant to be. Cas was sure of it and planned to stay with Dean until the end; he refused to let anything tear them apart again. 

Dean stole one more kiss before reaching over Cas to shut the lamp off, “I love you,” he breathed, getting comfortable.

Cas closed his eyes, feeling sleep starting to win over consciousness, “and I love you,” he said quietly, drifting off into a dreamless sleep.

***

Dean couldn’t sleep. His mind was spinning with the thought of faking his own death. The plan was vague so far, but it was better than no plan at all. He hoped Cas wasn’t suspicious of anything. The last thing Dean wanted was a fight.

There was one thing that Dean knew for sure. This fake suicide would have to involve a note. He’d never been good at writing and dreaded having to put together a note to tell Cas that he’d offed himself. This was turning into the hardest thing he’d ever had to do. 

This whole plan had him on edge. How would he pull it off? Maine was a good idea, but, Dean couldn’t even begin to come up with a foolproof way to make everyone think he was dead. The ocean was his best bet, but, only as long as he didn’t have to get on a boat. He just couldn’t stomach a boat. No boats and no planes. Those two things were deal breakers.

Dean wondered if there would be a way to utilize the gun he’d borrowed from Benny’s apartment. It was still safely tucked away in his duffel bag. If Cas heard a gunshot and saw a note, it would be a pretty good indicator that he was dead. The only issue that remained was making sure a body couldn’t be found. 

Suddenly, an idea hit Dean. He remembered Charlie mentioning ocean cliffs and sharp rocks. If he fired off a shot and made it look like he’d fallen off said cliff, into the ocean, particularly a part where it would be next to impossible to search for a body, this plan might just work. Dean closed his eyes, playing out the scenario, grimacing as he did so. It definitely had potential.

Cas shifted, snoring loudly, “I want the lasagna, Dean,” he grumbled in his sleep.

The comment snapped Dean back to reality. He had to bite his lip to keep from laughing, “you can have the lasagna, Cas,” he chuckled airily, but felt guilty for the hell he was going to have to put Cas through.

“Mhm,” Cas started snoring again and Dean exhaled slowly, trying to relax enough to fall asleep.

When Dean finally fell asleep, it was after four in the morning. In a few hours they’d be en route. Dean wasn’t ready for this. He never would be, but it was the only way he could be free. Once that plan was in motion, he couldn’t change his mind. He’d have to commit and lay low until the impending media frenzy died down. Then, and only then, could they finally have a shot at the happy ending they both craved so desperately.


	12. An Unwanted Detour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas and Dean are en route to Maine, but when one of the tires on the Chevette blows, they're forced to make an unscheduled stop in Michigan, where they encounter someone very familiar to Dean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, it's nearing the end of the story. After the end, I'm going to do a few epilogue chapters to tie together everything before calling this series complete.
> 
> It's been a hell of a rollecoaster ride and I REALLY appreciate all the support. Thank you to everyone who has come along for the ride. I never, ever expected people to enjoy this as much as I enjoyed writing it. 
> 
> :D

Maine was a hike from Arizona; about a six day drive to be exact. The distance of the road trip had Dean on edge even more so than he already was because the longer this took, the more risky this whole adventure became. He tried not to let his stress show, but there was only so much he could handle. Dean was only human. He had a breaking point just like everyone else.

It wasn’t that Dean hated this time with Cas. He was more or less just worried about being caught, because that would drag down Cas with him. If Cas went to jail as an accessory to murder, Dean would never forgive himself. He had to get to Maine as fast as the Chevette could manage. 

Dean had taken to wearing a hat and sunglasses disguise every time Cas stopped for anything. He never got out of the car, unless it was to sleep and even then, there were nights of sleeping in the car. Any place Dean could be recognized, he avoided. This road trip wasn’t the touristy kind, which was driving Dean insane. 

A few times Cas pointed out places he’d love to see on the way, but Dean always had to say no. Tourist attractions were loaded with people from all over and more people meant a higher chance of being seen. Seeing Cas’ disappointment each time Dean had to say no was torture. Dean knew he’d have to make up for being the worst boyfriend of the century. Cas deserved so much better than this. 

On the fourth night of driving, Dean saw a sign welcoming them to Michigan. At least they knew where they were now. Cas had been lost for a good portion of the afternoon and Dean was grumpy because he hadn’t had a proper night of sleep in days. In a couple of days the plan would be in motion and to put it mildly, he was scared shitless. Absolutely fucking horrified that he had to resort to a plan like this.

Since leaving Arizona, Dean had called Charlie back more than once to refine the plan. Ash was now en route to a state part on Maine’s easternmost point. Charlie had done some research and sad the location was perfect; Dean should have no problem pulling this off if he didn’t wuss out.

Ash was going to meet Dean at the park and get Dean as far away from there as possible- back to Seattle until the media frenzy died down. It was a solid plan and Dean had faith that it would work, but, that didn’t stop him from wishing he didn’t have to go through with it. 

Around midnight, on a back road, the smell of burning rubber caught Dean’s attention, “hey, do you smell-” he was interrupted by a loud bang, followed by the car ride getting a lot bumpier. 

Cas instantly slowed the car to a stop on the side of the road. He glanced at Dean, his expression panicked, “I really hope that wasn’t the engine,” he shut the car off.

“I’ll go take a peek,” Dean got out and walked to the front of the car, seeing the problem instantly. It wasn’t the engine. The front driver’s side tire was in tatters. It looked like it had exploded. Literally blew up. Fucking perfect.

Dean opened his door again, “hey, where’s the spare tire?” he asked, not really in the mood for this kink in the road. If a cop stopped, they were royally screwed. 

“There isn’t one. We bought this car used,” Cas whispered, looking down at his lap, frowning.

Dean sat back down, shutting the door, “well, we need a tow then,” he said, sighing out of frustration, “unless, by some fluke, someone stops before a cop finds us,” he pinched the bridge of his nose. This wasn’t what he needed. His stress level was sky rocketing. 

“I’m sorry I broke the car,” Cas said quietly, sounding like he was about to cry. 

Dean instantly felt like an asshole, “I should be the one apologizing. Taking my anger out on you is stupid...I know you just want to help,” Dean forced himself to smile, “maybe I can fix it. I’m good with cars,” he said, knowing it was a lie, but, he needed to get away from Cas so he could yell a few choice words and get it out of his system. He was angry over the situation and refused to remain volatile for the last couple of days he had with Cas until the inevitable happened.

Cas watched Dean get out of the car again. He felt awful that the Chevette decided that now was the time to crap out. Dean didn’t need this. Cas knew he should have checked his tires before he left California. He was living with a damn mechanic. God, he felt like such an idiot. This was his fault.

Hearing Dean screaming profanities outside made Cas feel even worse. He raked his hands over his face, trying to ignore the slew of colorful words coming out of Dean’s mouth. Every day Dean seemed to grow more irritable and Cas was really starting to worry. 

Cas wished Dean would talk about everything that had happened; bottling up everything wasn’t healthy- Cas would know. He also knew that Dean hadn’t told him everything about the murder, but he couldn’t bring himself to force it out of Dean. If he didn’t want to talk about it, Cas wasn’t going to pry, even if the curiosity burned inside of him. Dean would talk when he was ready. 

Dean wasn’t the same person Cas had fallen for back in Heaven Hills, but deep down, Cas knew he’d always love him. It didn’t matter that they were currently running from the police. At the end of the day, Cas was just glad that Dean was back. He felt whole again. After all that cross-country soul searching, it was Dean that was missing in his life. It was always Dean.

The car door slammed, making Cas jump. He remained fixated on the steering wheel, feeling the tension in the air. If he didn’t say anything, there couldn’t be a fight, so he stayed silent, not looking at Dean.

“Cas,” Dean touched Cas’ arm, making him flinch unintentionally, “I’m sorry...I shouldn’t have gotten mad at shit that was my fault to begin with.”

Cas shrugged, still eyeing the Chevy symbol on the steering wheel, “it’s fine. I’m fine,” he insisted, “you have every right to be frustrated. I knew it was only a matter of time before this hunk of junk pulled a stunt like this.”

Dean sighed, “you’re too good to me. I really don’t deserve you.”

Cas finally glanced at Dean, “I agree,” he half-smiled, “but, you’ll always be the one I choose,” he wanted nothing more than to sidle up to Dean and make sure he knew that he was loved no matter what happened. 

Dean’s expression lightened, “I don’t know what I’d do without you,” he cupped Cas’ cheek in his hand, “I promise things are gonna get better, Cas.”

The gentle touch sent shivers down Cas’ spine. He had a sneaking suspicion that Dean was planning something. It would certainly explain the sneaky phone calls he’d been making when they stopped as well as the irritability. Dean had to be hiding something. Cas couldn’t stop himself from asking, “Hey, Dean?”

“Yeah, Cas?”

“Why are we going to Maine?” Cas tried to sound nonchalant. The last thing he wanted was for Dean to think he was suspicious. 

“Why not?” Dean shrugged indifferently, “Maine’s just as good a place as any. It’s...nice there.”

Cas knew Dean was beating around the bush, but before he could question him, he noticed a set of headlights in the rear view mirror, “A car!”

Dean grabbed his baseball cap and got out of the Chevette, frantically flagging down the car, that thankfully wasn’t a police cruiser. To his surprise, the car slowed and pulled over a few yards from him. He squinted in the glare from the headlights as the door of the stranger’s car opened, “hey, thanks for stopping,” Dean said amicably, seeing a woman step into the light. He froze immediately, feeling his heart sink. It was Lisa, from his coma reality. 

Of course it was Lisa. Who else would it be? This was so fucking weird. What the hell was going on?

The woman kept her distance, “car trouble?” she asked, sounding friendly enough, a smile on her face. 

Dean chuckled, “the damn tire blew,” he nodded toward the flat tire, “literally fucking exploded.”

“Sounds like you’ve had a rough night,” the woman looked at the destroyed tire, “there’s an auto shop up the road, but it’s closed right now,” she pointed up the road, “I run a bed and breakfast about a mile from here, if you need a room for the night.”

Dean finally smiled, “you’re a real life saver, ma’am,” he tapped on Cas’ window, “we have a place to stay tonight,” he said excitedly.

“Hop in, I’ll give you guys a lift,” the woman got back in her car.

After grabbing the important stuff, Dean and Cas got into the back seat of the woman’s car, “thanks again...uh, I didn’t catch your name,” Dean offered his hand, “I’m Dean...o,” he cleared his throat, “Dino Novak and this is my brother, Cas,” he lied, not wanting to use his real name. 

The woman shook his hand, before pulling back out onto the road, “Lisa Braeden,” she raised an eyebrow at Dean in her rear view mirror, “So...Dino, where are you two headed?”

“Maine,” Dean sighed, “at least until our car had other plans.”

“You boys are quite a hike from Maine,” Lisa mused, “it’s a good thing I take this road home from my night job. It would suck if you guys had to sleep in a car when there were a couple of comfy beds just up the road.”

“We really appreciate the help,” Cas chimed in, “our luck lately hasn’t been the best. It’s refreshing to have something good happen for a change,” he looked at Dean, “isn’t that right, Dino?” he frowned as he used the fake name.

Dean touched Cas’ hand and felt him relax, “couldn’t agree with you more. I think our luck is changing,” he knew he was full of shit. Things were going to get a hell of a lot worse before they got better...if they got better at all. Shit hitting the fan was a distinct possibility, even though Dean tried to ignore it.

“You guys said you were brothers?” Lisa asked, pulling into a dirt driveway, “you seem really, uh, close.”

Before Dean could answer, Cas spoke, “yes, fraternity brothers,” he squeezed Dean’s hand and Dean had to resist the urge to kiss him. Now they didn’t have to hide. Why didn’t he think of this? Cas truly completed him.

“Oh,” Lisa laughed, “I get it now,” she shut the car off, “so, one bed, I assume?”

Dean got out of the car, closely followed by Cas, “one should do it,” he winked at Cas.

“I do have a kid, so keep it down, okay?” Lisa rolled her eyes, “damn teenagers,” she shook her head, grinning as she headed up to the house.

Dean felt Cas take his hand as they walked up the stairs, “I got it,” he said gruffly, slowly making his way up to the house. His limp hadn’t improved a whole lot and it was extremely frustrating. It slowed him down and he felt like an old man when stairs were involved, but always refused help. 

“Fine,” Cas walked into the house, the screen door snapping shut behind him.

Dean flinched at the sound of the door. Great. Now Cas was going to be in a mood all night. He inhaled slowly, collecting himself before walked inside, taking extra care to not slam the door, earning him an eye roll from Cas.

Lisa raised an eyebrow, clearly picking up on the tension, “you guys must be starving,” she smiled at them, “I can throw some sandwiches together, if you want.”

“No, really, I think we’re going to get some sleep,” Dean faked a yawn, “long day tomorrow.”

“Your room is just upstairs, second door on the left,” Lisa glanced toward the staircase, hearing a door open, followed by footsteps coming down the stairs.

“Some of us have school in the morning,” a disheveled-looking boy grumbled, noticing Dean and Cas, “oh, guests,” he mumbled an apology before disappearing upstairs again.

“And that was Ben,” Lisa laughed, “my son, the grumpy teenager.”

“Reminds me of someone I know,” Cas muttered, taking his things upstairs.

Lisa’s smile faded, “was it something I said?” she asked, sounding hurt.

“Ignore him,” Dean said quietly, “he’d grateful for the help. We both are.”

“Just doing the right thing,” Lisa shrugged, “and I got a couple of guests out of it, so, win win.”

“Damn, I wish I was that optimistic,” Dean chuckled, “I’ve been a glass is half empty kind of guy lately.”

“I’ve been told that it’s irritating how optimistic I am. But it’s all I have, aside from Ben,” Lisa nodded toward the kitchen, “drink?”

Dean put his bag down and joined Lisa in the kitchen. He grinned, seeing her pouring whiskey into a couple of glasses, “I pegged you as a wine girl,” he took a seat at one of the stools lining the counter.

“You looked like you could use something a little stronger,” Lisa winked at Dean, “here’s to positive thinking,” she handed him a glass.

“Here’s to better times ahead,” Dean raised his glass to Lisa, before taking a long sip. He liked the slow burn of the whiskey going down. 

“So, Dino,” Lisa topped his glass off, “what’s your story?” she asked, leaning on the counter.

“Nothing too exciting,” Dean lied, “I’m from a small town. My life is pretty boring.”

“Oh, come on,” Lisa took a sip of her own drink, “there had to be some story...what about your friend, Cas? There has to be a story there.”

Dean would normally hate someone prying into his personal business, but Lisa was so likeable that he couldn’t be mad, “Cas and I met back home, our senior year of high school.”

“High school sweethearts?” Lisa waggled her eyebrows.

“You could say that,” Dean finished his whiskey, “but, then that bad luck thing kicked in,” he helped himself to a bit more Jack Daniels, “I had a girlfriend and a dad who wasn’t exactly supportive...which ended up causing a fight between Cas and me.”

“Well, it must have been resolved if you’re still together,” Lisa egged him on, “Dino, you really suck at telling stories.”

Dean sighed, “the night of that fight was when everything went to shit,” he gazed down at the glass, “I took off and got into a bad accident. I was in a coma for almost six months.”

Lisa stared at Dean, “I’m at a loss for words…”

“When I woke up, Cas was gone. My dad threatened him,” Dean inhaled slowly, choosing his words carefully, “so, I left home and chased Cas all over the country, until I found him, living with my childhood best friend.”

Lisa gave Dean a quizzical look, “really?”

“Trust me, I’m not creative enough to make this shit up,” Dean snorted, “I assure you that actually happened.”

“I have to say, it seems like you two are meant for one another,” Lisa smiled, “finding each other after all that.”

“It really was a fluke, finding Cas,” Dean shivered, remembering the moment he saw Cas open the door at Benny’s apartment, “I didn’t think I’d ever find him.”

“You clearly love the guy. It’s all over your face. I don’t think you would have given up until you found him,” Lisa nudged Dean, “maybe you should go upstairs and smooth things out with him. He looked pretty pissed off.”

“Yeah,” Dean took one last sip of whiskey, “I appreciate the Jack Daniels,” he wished Lisa a good night, grabbing his duffel before heading upstairs to the second door on the left. He tapped lightly on it, “Can I come in?”

“Since when do you ever knock?” Cas opened the door, before walking into the adjoining bathroom and locking himself in.

Dean put his bag down and went to the bathroom door, “Can we talk?” he asked, leaning against the frame.

“I’m listening,” Cas still didn’t open the door.

“Open the door, Cas,” Dean said calmly, “I’m not talking unless you come out,” the door lock clicked, so Dean opened it and went inside, shutting it behind him.

Cas was sitting on the lid of the toilet, staring down at the floor. Dean sat down on the floor in front of Cas, so he could look at him, “what do you want, Dean?” Cas asked quietly.

“I want to apologize,” Dean rested his chin on Cas’ knee, “I’m a shitty boyfriend.”

Cas sat up and folded his arms, “go on.”

“I know you want to help me and I keep pushing you away,” Dean moved so he could sit on the edge of the bath tub, “and I’m sorry,” he sighed, “I’m an asshole and I feel like shit about it and you being mad at me on top of all this other shit I’m dealing with, isn’t helping,” he raked his hands over his face, feeling wetness in his eyes, “I don’t wanna fight. Not after everything I did do find you.”

“Just let me help you then,” Cas looked at Dean, “you keep saying we’re in this together, but this whole situation is a mystery to me. All I know is that we’re running from the police before you killed John.”

“Cas,” Dean locked eyes with him, “I have everything under control. I promise that if I need anything, you’ll be the first to know,” he grabbed Cas’ hands, “I got myself into this mess and I’m getting myself out,” he smiled, “I don’t think you realize how much you just being here helps.”

“I don’t feel like I’m doing anything,” Cas frowned, “you won’t even let me help you up a few stairs.”

“Sorry I brushed you off, Cas,” Dean squeezed Cas’ hands, “I haven’t been myself, but, trust me when I say that we’ll get through this. Don’t ever forget that, okay?” Dean leaned forward and kissed Cas’ cheek, “We’re gonna get through this.”

“How are you sure about that?” Cas asked, closing his eyes, “We have more bad luck than anyone alive.”

“I told you, I have everything under control,” Dean got up and tugged Cas’ hands, “I know this isn’t a detour we wanted, but, dude, check out this freaking bed,” he pulled Cas over to the bed, flopping down on it.

Cas toed out of his socks and sat on the edge of the bed. He sighed softly.

Dean poked Cas with this foot, “come here,” he rolled on his side, making room for Cas.

Cas got on the bed and curled up next to Dean, facing him. Immediately Dean stole a kiss, making Cas blush, “warn me next time,” he smirked at Dean, feeling all hostility between them melt away.

Dean pulled Cas closer, “Cas, can I have permission to press our lips together?” he asked smugly, returning the smirk.

“Oh, shut up,” Cas said gruffly, tugging at Dean’s shirt, their lips meeting again. He smiled into the kiss, shivering when Dean carded his fingers through his hair, “I just can’t stay mad at you,” he murmured as Dean started ghosting kisses along his jaw, “I missed you too damn much.”

Dean nipped at Cas’ earlobe, “not as much as I missed you,” he nuzzled Cas’ neck, hugging him to his chest. Cas tried to squirm out of the embrace, full-on giggling when Dean’s stubble tickled the sensitive skin on his neck. Dean chuckled, “god, I fucking missed you and that little laugh.”

Cas let Dean kiss him. It wasn’t often they got carried away. He enjoy it, despite feeling a little unnerved at how desperately Dean was clinging to him, kissing like it was their last night on earth. Shirts were eventually discarded, the skin-on-skin contact sending a jolt of anticipation through Cas’ body, which was amplified when Dean rolled his hips against Cas.

As enjoyable as the current situation was, something was off. Cas broke the kiss, touching Dean’s cheek, “you’re crying,” his heart sank, “Dean…”

In the midst of everything, Dean couldn’t stop thinking about having the leave Cas again. He didn’t realize he was crying until Cas pointed it out. Shit. Thinking fast, he laughed to stall, “I’m happy,” he said, forcing the most genuine smile he could manage, “Cas, I’m just happy.”

Dean knew it was a lie. He hated lying, even more so because Cas looked like he believed every word of it, “I’m happy too, Dean,” he rolled over and sidled up close to Dean’s chest, “I love you,” he murmured.

It didn’t take Cas long to fall asleep. Dean, on the other hand, couldn’t relax. He was fixated on the plan. How the hell did it come to this? He’d gotten a second chance as a life with Cas, and it fucked it up almost immediately. 

Was this how it was always going to be? An unhappy ending? Is that what the coma reality was trying to tell him? That their relationship was doomed to be plagued with torment and tragedy?

Despite his reluctance to follow through with faking his death, Dean knew he had to do it. If he ever wanted to be with Cas and have a new life, he couldn’t chicken out. He kept telling himself that he was going the right thing, over and over, in his head, until he finally dozed off.


	13. The Calm Before The Storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time with Cas is a precious commodity and Dean knows it's running out. He needs to make the most of the time they have left, that is, if he can even bring himself to go through with everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Initially I was going to go right into the plan, but I decided against it. Have a little bit of fluff before the storm!
> 
> Thanks again to everyone who has read up to this point! Chapter 14 will be up just as soon as I write it. I'm thinking in the next week or so.
> 
> Don't forget to comment, leave kudos and subscribe!
> 
> And if you share my series or any of my fics on Tumblr, definitely tag me in the post. @cockney-bitch. :)

Dean was gone when Cas woke up.

“Dean?” Cas got up and peeked into the bathroom, “Dean, are you here?”

Cas instantly panicked. What if Dean left without him? Or, what if Lisa recognized Dean and turned him into the police? This was bad. Cursing under his breath, Cas started packing everything, until he noticed a piece of paper, folded, on the night stand. His pulse was pounding in his ears as he picked it up. 

“Please tell me you didn’t do anything dumb,” Cas whispered, slowly opening the note. He recognized the chicken scratch penmanship right away.

_Cas:_

_I went with Lisa and Ben to get the car fixed. Be back soon. I love you._

_-D_

Cas exhaled loudly, nearly collapsing from relief. Dean was just getting the tire fixed and soon they could hit the road. Cas still felt like Dean was hiding something, but if Dean said he had everything under control, Cas wouldn’t question it. Or, at least he’d try not to. Curiosity had a frustrating way of getting the best of him sometimes.

Carding his hand through his unwashed hair, Cas cringed. It had been days since he’d taken a shower, so, he decided to take advantage of the bathroom. He stripped off his clothes and stepped into the shower, closing his eyes as the hot water enveloped him.

After quickly rinsing off and washing his hair, Cas dried off and put on the last of his clean clothes, making a mental note to find a laundromat at some point soon. He glanced in the mirror, touching his stubbly cheeks, “I look homeless,” he frowned, opening the cabinet, in search of a razor. The only thing he found was a woman’s razor, but he used it anyway. He really needed a shave.

Clean and freshly shaven, Cas finished getting their things together. Once everything was packed, he went downstairs to see if Dean was back yet.

The house was empty. It was weird to be in a stranger’s home alone, Cas thought as he made his way into the kitchen, where a plate of muffins caught his attention. He picked up a note next to the coffee pot, “Help yourself. We’ll be back soon. Lisa,” he read out loud, smiling to himself.

Lisa reminded Cas of Chuck. She was kind and hospitable just like Chuck and Cas couldn’t resist laughing, “I bet Lisa and Chuck would love each other,” he mused, taking a muffin and pouring some lukewarm coffee into a muf before taking a seat at one of the stools. 

As Cas picked at his breakfast, his mind wandered to everything that had happened. Dean finding him in California, the murder. So many things had happened and Cas had barely had time to process it. He was curious about the murder, but the more he thought about it, the less he wanted to know the details. He knew Dean was technically a murderer, but it didn’t matter to Cas. Dean was still Dean, and Cas loved him. Every single part of Dean- good, bad and ugly. 

Was Cas crazy for loving a killer? He didn’t think so. Dean was different. John actually deserved what he got. Dean wasn’t a monster...was he?

“What the hell is wrong with me?” Cas grimaced at how nonchalant he was about the murder. It was proof that he hadn’t had the time to truly dwell on the gravity of the situation. Now that his mind was on the subject, he started to feel unnerved. 

Cas, of course, knew that Dean would never lay a finger on him, but he realized how comfortable he’d gotten with the whole scenario and his anxiety was skyrocketing. He was literally helping a fugitive run from the police. This was fucked up and there was no other way to phrase it. How the hell did they end up like this? He could go to jail for this, and the part that scared Cas was that he didn’t care about that because Dean was the most important part of his life. 

The front door creaked open and Cas heard Dean’s familiar stride in the hall, “Cas?” his voice started Cas.

“In the kitchen,” Cas cleared his mug, not looking at Dean when he came into the room. 

At least Dean came back. Crappy as the whole ordeal was, at least they were still technically in the clear.

“Hey,” Dean hugged Cas from behind, “how’d you sleep?”

“Better than I did in the car,” Cas said, shivering as he felt Dean’s lips brush against his neck, “speaking of the car, how did it go?”

“It was surprisingly uneventful,” Dean let go of Cas, helping himself to a muffin, “Lisa’s a saint,” he added, taking a bite of the muffin.

Dean was glad the whole adventure took less than two hours. He didn’t even have to pay for the tire because Lisa insisted that the mechanic owed her a favor. She never mentioned why, and Dean wondered what she’d done for the grease monkey. He didn’t think too much into it though; there were more pressing matters to deal with, so he left almost immediately after the Chevette was fixed. 

“She does seem nice,” Cas finally looked at Dean, “should we get going?”

“Probably,” Dean picked at the muffin, “I’ll leave Lisa a note if you want to go grab our things,” he smiled at Cas, “I left the car running outside.”

Cas left the kitchen, where Dean finished his breakfast before taking the pad of paper next to the phone. He felt a guilty leaving so soon because Lisa and her son were so kind to help, but they couldn’t linger here. After quickly scribbling out a short, thank you note, he pulled out a crumpled up ten dollar bill, placing it next to the paper. He knew it didn’t come close to covering everything Lisa had done for them, but it was all he had. The lack of money might be a problem, but it wasn’t a top priority. 

Dean met Cas outside, helping to shove the bags into the car, “Maine, here we come,” he said, shutting the trunk, “let’s hope we get there in one piece,” he chuckled, nudging Cas.

“I can’t make any promises,” Cas got into the car, adjusting the driver’s seat as Dean sat down in the passenger side, “so, which way are we heading?”

Dean pulled out the map and unfolded it, “we’re in Michigan, so, we’re headed east,” he mumbled, pointing left, “Lisa said that if we follow this road, we’ll come across some signs for the highway.”

“East sounds good,” Cas started the car and pulled out of the driveway, heading east.

The weather was pleasant and Dean couldn’t help feeling cheerful, despite everything on his mind. He had to look at the positives. Sure, he was going to have to leave Cas again, but, at least they were together for the time being. Everything would eventually be okay and he had to keep telling himself that. But, for now, he planned to make the most of these last few hours with Cas.

The following day would be the last Dean could spend with Cas for a while. He didn’t know how long it would take for all the police searching and media bullshit to die down, which was stressful. Dean knew that once he left, there was no set date for when he’d see Cas again. The thought terrified him. What if he never saw Cas again?

Dean wanted to take Cas out for a nice meal or something. It was probably a good thing he was broke and wanted by the police- Cas would instantly start asking questions if Dean suddenly turned on the charm. He frowned, wishing he didn’t have to go through with this. Maybe he didn’t have the balls to pull something of this magnitude off. 

“You look troubled,” Cas said softly, turning down the radio, “What are you thinking about?”

Dean shrugged, “a lot of stuff,” he said cryptically, looking straight ahead, “I just have a ton of shit on my plate.”

Cas looked worried, “is there anything I can do to help?”

“Best thing you can do is stop worrying,” Dean smiled at Cas, “I can’t have you stressing yourself out. That’ll make me feel even worse about everything.”

“That’s easier said than done,” Cas sighed.

“I promise that everything is fine, Cas,” Dean lied, his forced smile not faltering, “we’ll be okay in the end.”

“I hate when you talk like something bad is coming,” Cas glanced at Dean, “you tell me not to worry, but then you go and talk like that and I don’t know what to believe,” he looked back at the road, “I mean, I’m happy you’re here...and I hate to say it, but, Dean, our relationship was built on lies…”

Cas’ brutal honesty caught Dean off guard. The truth hurt. Cas was right and there was no way Dean could deny it. From the start there were so many lies and secrets. It pained Dean to lie so much, but everything was so complicated, “Cas, I-”

“I don’t want an apology,” Cas interjected before an awkward silence took over.

Neither of them said anything for a long time. Dean was sick of lying. He had to tell Cas something, but he had to carefully weigh everything he said. If he even hinted at what the plan entailed, it wouldn’t work because Cas would be on high alert. Maybe it was time to talk about the coma reality. Dean had tried so hard to forget about it, but Cas had a right to know since he was a huge part of it.

“When I was in that coma, I dreamt out an entirely different reality,” Dean closed his eyes, seeing the false memories flash through his mind, “you know,” a smiled played his lips, “we got kicked out of prom.”

Cas snorted, “why am I not surprised?”

“It’s a pity we didn’t get to go to prom for real,” Dean grinned at Cas, “I’m sure we would have pissed off a shit load of people.”

“What happened at the prom in your dream?” Cas asked, visibly interested in the story.

“We were forced to leave for slow dancing,” Dean felt himself blushing just talking about it, “so, I quit school and so did you,” he frowned suddenly, “then I left you because I wanted you to get your diploma…”

“Oh,” Cas tapped his fingers on the steering wheel, “so...you came back, right?”

“Of course I did, dummy,” Dean chuckled, “I came back and then we ran away to San Francisco,” he reached into the back seat and grabbed a bottle of water, “the weird thing about all this is that when I found you in San Francisco, it was exactly where we lived in the dream.”

“That’s odd,” Cas held out his hand for the water, “was Benny in your dream?”

“He was,” Dean nodded, handing the bottle to Cas, “Lisa too.”

“Really?”

“I know, it sounds crazy...but, I actually met a bunch of people from that dream on this ridiculous adventure. Every single one of them helped me in some way,” Dean mused, “it was so freaking weird meeting people that I had already met in a dream.”

“Maybe the dream was trying to tell you something,” Cas pulled into the driveway of a campground, “you said the ending was kind of bad, didn’t you?”

Dean felt a lump in his throat as he recalled exactly how everything played out in the alternate reality, “it definitely wasn’t a happy ending,” he said gruffly, wanting to change the subject, “but, that ending won’t happen to us because the cause of the problem has been taken care of.”

“John,” Cas whispered.

“He killed you. Shot you down in cold blood,” Dean cringed, “you died in my arms.”

“Is that when you woke up?” Cas parked the car outside the camp office.

Dean shook his head, avoiding eye contact, “I died too.”

Dean’s vague answer made Cas feel uneasy, “did your father-”

“It doesn’t matter now,” Dean nudged Cas, “I think we’re just getting a little crazy from being in this car all day. Let’s forget about this and enjoy a nice night in the woods.”

Cas’ mind played out ways Dean could have died in the dream. It was one of four possible events: an accident, natural causes, murder or suicide. Thinking about Dean dying at all was making Cas nervous. He put the idea from his mind; it was stupid. Dean wasn’t going to die. At least not for a good, long time. 

It didn’t take long to set up camp; by now the two of them had it down to a science. Cas set up the tent while Dean got the fire going. By the time Cas finished putting the blankets into the tent, Dean had a roaring fire burning.

Dean hadn’t said anything since arriving at the campsite and it put Cas on edge. He crawled out of the tent, watching Dean gaze at the fire, “we make a pretty good team. That only took about twenty minutes,” Cas said, trying to sound cheerful, walking over to sit next to Dean. He rested his head on Dean’s shoulder, “I’m glad you’re here with me, Dean.”

Wrapping his arm around Cas, Dean felt his heart breaking. It was going to destroy him to leave Cas, “I’m glad too, Cas,” he whispered, closing his eyes. It might actually kill him to be away from Cas again. Tomorrow they’d be in Maine and the plan would be set in motion. He wasn’t ready for this and time was rapidly running out. 

Cas nudged Dean, “stop worrying. You said everything was good and we’re together, so, we got this,” he didn’t sound sure of himself, but pressed his lips to Dean’s jaw, “you know you can tell me what’s bothering you,” he breathed, “you can tell me anything, Dean.”

Dean shook his head, “I can’t,” he mumbled, glancing at Cas, “but...there’s something you can do for me.”

“Anything,” Cas sat up so he could look at Dean, “just tell me what you need.” 

Dean grabbed Cas’ hands, squeezing them, “I need you to promise me that if we ever get separated, no matter what, you can’t give up hope,” he didn’t break eye contact, “never, ever give up, Cas. Promise me.”

Cas frowned, “what are you planning?” he asked slowly, fear evident in his voice.

Dean didn’t back down, “that’s not an answer,” he cupped Cas’ cheeks in his hands, “promise me you won’t give up, Cas,” he pleaded softly, knowing this sudden desperation wouldn’t help with keeping Cas from getting suspicious. He just had to make sure Cas would be alright.

Cas looked terrified, “I promise, but-”

“Please, don’t ask,” Dean begged, stroking Cas’ cheeks with his thumbs, “I promise I’ll tell you everything, just not tonight,” he added, kissing the tip of Cas’ nose.

“Okay, Dean,” Cas sidled up to Dean, not saying another word. He rested his head on Dean’s shoulder again, relaxing when Dean draped his arm around his waist.

Dean half-expected an argument. It was a pleasant surprise to have avoided a tiff with Cas. He was relieved because the last thing he wanted was a fight before pulling off this stupid stunt.

They sat next to the fire until it burned down to glowing embers. Cas was slumped against Dean, breathing softly, and Dean knew he was dozing off, “hey,” he squeezed Cas, “I think it’s time for bed,” he stood up to douse the fire before helping Cas up. 

Dean let Cas crawl into the tent before he went inside. Cas murmured something unintelligible as Dean wrapped his arm around him, “you’re cute when you’re tired,” Dean mused, nuzzling Cas’ neck.

“Suck up,” Cas shivered as Dean playfully bit his earlobe.

Dean tugged Cas closer, “you’re always cute,” he ghosted his lips along Cas’ jaw, smiling as he got closer to his chin, “can I kiss you?” he whispered, inhaling sharply when Cas turned and crushed their lips together. 

“Fuck,” Dean groaned into the kiss, letting everything around him dissolve into nothing. It was only him and Cas. He was lost in the flurry of desperate groping and kissing. Every touch felt like an electric jolt, sending waves of excitement through his body. 

Cas rolled over on his back, gently pulling Dean down, pressing their lips together again. Dean closed his eyes, leaning into the kiss as he straddled Cas. Inhibitions were lost and replaced with raw, unabashed passion. 

Everything happened so fast. Shirts were crumpled up in the mess of blankets and Dean was sure pants would be discarded soon. Cas rolled his hips against Dean, who flicked his tongue over Cas’ lower lip.

“Ew,” Cas broke the kiss, “did you just lick me?”

“Mhm,” Dean smirked as Cas, “I like using my tongue,” he played with the button on Cas’ jeans.

It had been forever since Dean had gotten off. He wanted Cas in a way he never wanted anyone before. Up until this point, sex wasn’t a top priority; hell, they’d only kissed a handful of times. Tonight wasn’t like other nights, but maybe it was the plan’s fault for adding in a sense of desperation to the mix. Dean didn’t know when he’d see Cas again after tomorrow. He needed tonight to be memorable. Cas needed to know he was loved no matter what. 

“It’s weird to lick people,” Cas sat up, Dean still sitting between his legs.

“So cute,” Dean laughed, pinching Cas’ cheek.

“Oh, shut up,” Cas swatted at Dean’s hand, “just because I’m not a sexual deviant, doesn’t automatically make me cute.”

“I’m not making fun of you,” Dean moved next to Cas and laid down on his back, “I respect that you’re waiting for Prince Charming,” he yawned, pulling up the blankets, “I think it’s cool that you’ve got morals.”

“It must be true that opposites attract,” Cas curled up next to Dean, splaying his fingers across his bare chest, “we’re so different...but together, I think we’re a good combination.”

“Like pretzels and beer,” Dean grinned at Cas, who scrunched his nose.

“Except we’re not disgusting,” Cas gagged, “we’re more like peanut butter and jelly.”

“Or pie with ice cream,” Dean sighed happily, “warm cherry pie with melty ice cream.”

“Chocolate ice cream,” Cas murmured, “and whipped cream.”

Dean felt his stomach rumble, “we should have stopped and gotten take out from that diner in the town over,” he hadn’t eaten much over the past few days due to nerves, and didn’t realize how hungry he actually was until food was mentioned. The idea of pie was almost orgasmic. His mouth was watering.

“I’ll stop and get us some breakfast en route tomorrow,” Cas kissed Dean’s shoulder, “maybe we’ll even find some pie.”

“You’re the best,” Dean shifted into a more comfortable position, “goodnight, Cas,” he whispered, relaxing into the blankets.

“Night, Dean,” Cas mumbled, his voice already addled with sleep, “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Dean bumped a kiss to the top of Cas’ head before closing his eyes and letting sleep take him. The last thought on his mind was wishing he could lay here with Cas forever.


	14. Ocean Cliffs and Second Thoughts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Cas arrive in Maine safely, but Dean starts to have second thoughts about the plan. Will he go through it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: fake suicide mentioned, also blowjobs mentioned.
> 
> Thanks so much for reading, everyone! I love you guys so much!! It's nearing the end, bless you guys for sticking around this long!! 
> 
> :)

Cas woke to Dean, clinging to him, the following morning. His face was nuzzled into the crook of Cas’ neck and his extremities wrapped around him like a blanket. Cas smiled to himself, savoring the moment.

“Dean, it’s time to get up,” Cas said after a while, though somewhat reluctantly because he rarely saw Dean so peaceful nowadays, “we have to get going,” he tried to wriggle out of the embrace, which tightened the more he squirmed, “Dean-”

“Just a few more minutes,” Dean mumbled, clearly still half-asleep, his grip not easing up.

“We’re a good eight hours from Maine,” Cas stopped trying to get loose. Dean was a hell of a lot stronger than he looked, “that’s provided there’s no traffic.”

Dean sighed, letting go of Cas, “how late is it?” he sat up, stretching as he yawned. 

Cas shrugged, sitting up as well, “it can’t be much later than nine or ten,” he crawled over Dean and out of the tent. It was cloudy and muggy outside. 

Dean poked his head out of the tent, “why don’t you check the map, while I pack up the tent?” he smiled tiredly, “then we can go grab some breakfast.”

“Sounds good,” Cas headed over to the car, after pulling his shoes on. He got into the driver’s seat and started it, before taking the map out of the glove box. 

They were still in upstate New York, but fairly close to Vermont. Cas traced his index finger over the route to Maine, feeling confident that they would make it without getting too lost. After all, New England states were so small that it would be really difficult to get lost in the first place. 

Once the tent was packed up, Cas and Dean hit the road. Cas stopped at the first diner they found and grabbed some breakfast for the two of them. The food wasn’t great, but Dean seemed content with the idea of pie for breakfast. Or, at least Cas hoped that Dean was happy. He had no idea what Dean was thinking because he hadn’t really said anything since they left the campsite.

The lack of conversation worried Cas. Lately, Dean had been so quiet, which didn’t normally concern him, but, ever since Dean made him promise not to give up, Cas felt like something was wrong. He knew he was probably overthinking it because Dean was likely just freaked out over the fact that he was wanted by the police, but, Cas also feared that when Dean mentioned the chance of getting separated, that he wasn’t referring to being arrested. 

Cas couldn’t deal with secrets anymore, “Dean,” he said, finally, after nearly three hours of silence, “I know you’re planning something,” he couldn’t stop his word vomit, “I don’t know what you’re planning, but I’m not stupid. I know when you’re up to something.”

Dean didn’t want a fight. He knew it was only a matter of time before Cas asked about the plan, “I’m not planning anything,” he lied, instantly hating himself, but continued, “I was just thinking about how stupid I am for getting into this mess,” at least he was kind of telling the truth now.

“I believe you did what had to be done,” Cas said, stone-faced. Dean couldn’t tell if Cas meant it.

“Cas, what I did wasn’t what I should have done,” Dean closed his eyes, “I can’t justify murder.”

“John did some horrible things, Dean.”

Dean stared at Cas, “I murdered my dad,” he inhaled slowly, “I snuck into the apartment after he came home drunk, Cas.”

Cas kept his eyes on the road, “he was always drunk.”

Dean wasn’t sure if he should be frustrated or worried that Cas was so relaxed about everything that had happened. Was he actually in support of the murder? Cas wasn’t understanding the gravity of the situation. Murder was as serious as crimes got. 

“He was asleep when I attacked him,” Dean couldn’t believe Cas wasn’t reacting, and was unable to stop talking, desperate to make Cas understand his point of view, “I cut his throat and he pushed me on the floor...pinned me down,” he flinched at the memory, “he said he was going to enjoy killing you...so I stabbed him,” he looked at Cas, “I stabbed him so many times, I lost count,” he closed his eyes, “but none of that scares me as much as the real reason why I killed him.”

“...I thought it was in self defense, Dean,” Cas whispered.

Dean laughed without humor, “maybe that was part of it,” he paused, afraid to admit what he was about to admit, “I killed him because of things that never happened.”

“What things?”

“In my coma, he ruined everything,” Dean clenched his fists, “that motherfucker made it his mission to ensure that we were never happy, and even though none of that shit happened, I wasn’t taking any risks,” he said gruffly, “so I killed him...and felt no remorse until I found you and got you involved. Hell, even then, the only remorse I had was for getting you pulled into this bullshit.”

“Wow,” Cas said quietly, “I...had no idea.”

Dean noticed Cas was white-knuckling the steering wheel and regretted his outburst, “Cas, are you okay?”

Cas nodded slowly, “it’s a lot to take in.”

“Try living through it,” Dean sighed, “I didn’t mean to dump all that on you.”

“I just wish there was something I could say or do to make it all go away,” Cas reached over and touched Dean’s arm, “you know I’d do anything for you, Dean.”

Dean put his hand over Cas’, “I know,” he felt his heart sink as they passed a sign, welcoming them to Maine. 

The rest of the drive seemed to fly by. Dean was oddly cheerful, despite his time with Cas rapidly running out. He was happy he at least had the rest of the evening with Cas. Things definitely could have been worse. 

The mood was light as they neared the coast. Cas was chatting about all the places he saw on his solo journey and although Dean wasn’t fully listening, he enjoyed seeing Cas look so content. He wanted Cas to be happy now, since he knew the feeling wouldn’t last. Soon, everything would change, but Dean put the plan from his mind as Cas turned off the main road, heading toward the state park. The place Dean had dreaded arriving at. This was it. The final destination. 

As Cas pulled up to the check-in kiosk, a thought his Dean. He needed to call Charlie to finalize everything, but, he needed a cover. Maybe he could say he’s calling Sam to get an update. That might work.

Sammy. Shit. It had been almost too long since Dean had called. By now, Sam was in Sacramento and calling would hold the risk of having to deal with their mother. He would also be tempted to tell Sam about the plan, which would defeat the purpose of the plan in the first place. Sam had to remain just as oblivious as Cas. This sucked. 

“Hey, while you go get us a site, I’m gonna call Sam, just to check in,” Dean said as Cas was getting out of the Chevette, “he must be shitting himself with worry,” he added, smirking as he put his hat and sunglasses on. 

“Tell Sam I said hello,” Cas smiled at Dean before walking over to the kiosk.

Dean got out of the cas and headed to the pay phone, dropping a dime in the slot as he picked up the receiver. He dialed Charlie’s number, leaning against the side of the booth.

“Hello?” Charlie answered after a few rings. 

“Hey, it’s me,” Dean said quietly, watching for signs of Cas returning, “what’s the plan?”

“Dean, I’m glad you called,” Charlies said, surprisingly chipper, given the circumstances, “Ash is in Maine now, at a motel near that state park we talked about. Did you make it there alright?”

“We’re here. Is Ash going to meet me here when everything goes down?” Dean felt his pulse quicken as Cas walked out of the kiosk, spotting him immediately, “if I start calling you Sam, don’t be weirded out,” he added in a hurried whisper. 

 

“Um, okay,” Cas said, sounding confused, “anyway, Ash is waiting for your directions. What should I tell him?”

Dean smiled at Cas as he started walking over, “tell him: tree side of the parking lot. Midnight. He’ll know when I’m coming his way,” he said as quickly as he could, as Cas came into earshot, “yeah, Sammy. We’re good. Cas says hi,” he said, trying to sound casual.

“Oh, I get it. Cas is right there, isn’t he?” Charlie giggled, “you said you were calling your brother.”

“Yup,” Dean chuckled, hoping it didn’t sound as nervous as he felt.

“I’ll call and tell Ash to meet you at midnight then,” Charlie paused, “I should also mention that you’re going to be hunkering down at my parents’ summer house up in Machias. They’re gone until next May, so you’ll be nice and safe there. Hannah and I will be there on Friday night, okay?”

“Alright, man. I’ll see you when I see you,” Dean watched Cas mouthing for Sam to tell Jo they say hi, “if you hear from Jo, tell her we say hello.”

“Cas really thinks you’re talking to Sam? I feel so bad. Are we assholes, Dean?” Charlie asked, sounding hurt.

“Me, yes,” Dean felt a pang of guilt in the pit of his stomach. He was definitely an asshole, “but, I need to go set up camp. I’ll call when I can.”

“Good luck, Dean,” Charlie said, just before Dean hung up.

“How’s Sam?” Cas asked, slipping his hand into Dean’s, as they walked back to the car. 

“He’s alright,” Dean shrugged, “still kind of bummed out that he’s living so far away from Jess,” he frowned, hating himself to lying, once again, “I guess I can’t blame him. It does kind of suck. And it’s sort of my fault.”

“Poor guy,” Cas squeezed Dean’s hand, “is everything else okay?”

Dean nodded, “we’re good, for the time being. Who knows, maybe this whole thing will blow over in a few months,” he had to resist the urge to punch himself in the face. Why couldn’t he stop lying? This was getting ridiculous. When this was done with, he was coming clean about everything and was never going to lie again. 

Cas grinned at Dean, “finally some positive thinking,” he said, opening Dean’s car door for him, “I was worried for a while back there…”

“I told you I had everything under control. Do you believe me now?” Dean sat down and looked at Cas.

“I guess I don’t really have a reason not to believe you,” Cas chuckled, “I was just a little freaked out because I thought you were planning something,” he shut the door and got into the driver’s seat, “I’m really sorry I didn’t trust you. I know you wouldn’t do anything to hurt me,” he smirked at Dean, “you can’t really blame me for being afraid of losing you. I mean, look at you.”

“I’ll always come back for you, Cas,” Dean leaned over the center console and pressed his lips to Cas’ cheek, “no matter what, I’m yours.”

***

It was right around dinner time when Dean and Cas finally made it to the campsite. Cas decided to walk down to the camp store for supplies, while Dean stayed to set up the tent. The site was a short walk from the ocean. Dean could hear the ocean crashing against the cliff. It made him feel queasy. This was really happening. 

Once the tent was pitched, Dean glanced down the trail road, for Cas, before pulling his duffel bag out of the back seat of the car and opening it. He grabbed a balled-up flannel and unwrapped it, revealing the gun he’d ‘borrowed’ from Benny’s place. It was still loaded and safe, so, Dean hid it again and went to build the fire. 

The sun was low in the sky when Cas returned, looking triumphant, as he toted two paper bags into camp. He set them down next to the fire pit, “I got dinner,” he pulled out a package of hot dogs, “I kind of bought one of everything, because I couldn’t decide what to get,” he added sheepishly, “I guess I shouldn’t have gone food shopping while I was hungry.” 

“Well, now you’ll have food for the next few days,” Dean remained focused on the fire, only half paying attention to what he was saying. He was so distracted by everything that was going to happen in the next few hours. 

“You mean we have food,” Cas raised an eyebrow.

Fuck. Dean quickly smiled at Cas, “yeah, you know what I mean,” he chuckled nervously, “sorry, I’m just a little tired.”

“It’s because you only had a slice of pie today,” Cas grabbed his pack and pulled out two, metal roasting sticks, “help yourself. There’s a bunch of food in the bags,” he handed a stick to Dean.

Dean pawed through the bags, deciding on one of the bright red hot dogs Cas had brought back. He’d never seen a red hot dog and it was intriguing, “thanks for the food,” he glanced over to see Cas stuffing a few marshmallows onto his own stick, “marshmallows for dinner?”

Cas rolled his eyes, pointing to a box of graham crackers and a chocolate bar, “s’mores,” he held the marshmallows over the fire, “it’s kind of a sandwich, so it counts as dinner.”

“Fair enough,” Dean half-smiled, turning the hot dog over the flames, “but, I still don’t think you need all that sugar.”

Cas scowled at Dean, “excuse me?”

“You’re sweet enough without it,” Dean winked at Cas.

“Smooth,” Cas smooshed his marshmallows in between some graham crackers and chocolate, “but, I don’t think cheese goes with s’mores.”

“And I don’t like my hot dogs wrapped in sticky, sweet shit,” Dean paused, a mental image of fellatio involving marshmallow Fluff distracting him momentarily, a large grin playing his lips, “actually-”

“Oh god, Dean,” Cas choked, “I know that look. Why does everything turn into a sex reference?”

Dean laughed, “c’mon, Cas. Can you imagine how awesome it would be to have someone suck marshmallow Fluff off of your-”

“Dean!” Cas’ cheeks were bright red and he looked like a deer in headlights, staring at Dean, unblinking and at a loss for words.

“Unless you’d wanna be the one eating the Fluff,” Dean shrugged, his smile not faltering, “I think it would be fun,” he was just messing with Cas at this point. Even in the dark, Dean could see the flush of Cas’ cheeks. 

“Dean,” Cas looked uncomfortable, tossing his half-eaten s’mores into the fire, “can we please change the subject?” he asked quietly.

Dean scooted closer to Cas, putting his arm around him, “hey, I’m sorry,” he cupped Cas’ cheek with his free hand, turning his face so he could press their foreheads together, “you know I’ll never make you,” he cleared his throat, “you know.”

Cas sighed, “I know,” he closed his eyes, leaning into Dean’s touch, “I’m sorry too.”

Dean ran his thumb over Cas’ cheekbone, “for what? You didn’t do anything,” he kept his voice low, “we’re gone this far without sex, we don’t need-” he was interrupted by Cas pressing their lips together, almost desperately.

Cas clutched at Dean’s shirt, groaning into the kiss as Dean shifted so Cas was in his lap. Dean draped his arms around Cas’ waist, pulling him closer. He was surprised at Cas’ sudden make out attack; normally it was welcome, but something was unnerving about how desperate and hurried the whole situation seemed. Did Cas know about the plan? 

“What the hell was that?” Dean asked, out of breath, as he broke the kiss. His pulse was racing with adrenaline. 

Cas locked eyes with Dean. He looked scared, “I didn’t want to have another fight over blowjobs,” he scrunched his nose at the word, “so, I was just going to…” he trailed off, sighing, “I have no idea what I’m even doing.”

Dean smiled, “I know,” he stole a kiss, “I promise I won’t start a fight over something stupid like that again,” he wouldn’t start a fight, he’d just lull Cas into a false sense of security before abandoning him. God, he was such a piece of shit, maybe worse than his father. The thought made him shudder.

“I’m sorry I brought it up,” Cas said shyly, moving so he could sit between Dean’s leg and look at the fire, “I have a bad habit of obsessing over all the bad things that have happened.”

“I guess I can’t blame you...it seems like bad memories outweigh the good ones with us,” Dean hugged Cas from behind, “it’ll get better. We’re just getting the bullshit over with early,” he didn’t believe a word out of his mouth. Dean knew the bullshit wouldn’t end. Why the hell would God give him a break after all the fucked up things he’d done and planned on doing? Dean knew there was a special place in Hell for him.

Cas relaxed into the embrace, “you’re probably right,” he seemed content with Dean’s logic, the two of them falling into an amicable silence.

The air was cool as they sat together, next to the fire. The glow of the sunset was fading into darkness and the full moon was beginning to show itself through the trees. Dean was deep in thought, lazily playing with the hem of Cas’ t-shirt.

Dean knew exactly how everything was going to unfold. He’d played it over and over in his head since making the plan. The only thing he was concerned about was losing Cas for real. How would he keep track of Cas when he was supposed to be laying low? He hoped Ash would have an idea. 

There was no was Dean was giving up on being with Cas one day. Every day he fell more in love and he refused to do the smart thing and leave forever. Maybe he was being selfish, but, sitting here with Cas was the happiest he’d been in months. Hell, since he’d woken up. Even just listening to Cas dozing off in his arms brought him solace. He squeezed Cas, “hey.”

“Hm?” Cas mumbled, half-asleep, turning to look at Dean, “what is it?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.

“I love you,” Dean whispered, grinning, “I just wanted to let you know.”

Cas smiled tiredly, pressing their lips together, “my very own Prince Charming.”

Dean smirked at Cas, “so, that makes you Snow White,” he mused.

Cas shrugged, “well, I do have the dark hair and pale skin,” he kissed Dean’s chin.

“And you’d rock a princess dress,” Dean said, as Cas ghosted his lips along his jaw.

Cas sat up, giving Dean a quizzical look, “...what?”

“Uh,” Dean’s mind strayed, visualizing Cas dressed like Snow White and laughed without meaning to, “Actually-”

“Did you just picture me in a dress?” Cas asked, visibly exasperated.

“It was a pretty dress!” Dean interjected defensively, making Cas snort, “What?”

“You’re a grade A pervert, Dean Winchester,” Cas rolled his eyes, a smile playing his lips, “besides,” his smiled turned into a smirk, “I don’t really have the boobs to pull off a dress like Snow White’s.”

“Not with that attitude,” Dean winked at Cas.

“I’m too tired for this conversation,” Cas laughed airily, getting up, “actually, I’m just going to go ahead and pretend this conversation never happened,” he offered his hand to Dean, “I’m beat. Let’s go to bed.”

Dean took Cas’ hand and slowly stood up, “you go on. I want to douse the fire,” he squeezed Cas’ hand before letting it go.

After putting out the fire, Dean picked up the flashlight and went to the car, shining the beam at the watch Cas kept on the dashboard. It was 10:57 PM. He felt his stomach churn uncomfortably as he went back to the tent. Just over an hour to go. It would be a miracle if he stayed calm enough to not vomit.

Cas was already snoring when Dean crawled into the tent. He wished he could pass out that easily. It had been ages since he slept that peacefully. He wondered if Cas was dreaming, as he slid under the blankets next to him.

It was pointless to even try sleeping. His heart was pounding in anticipation of everything to come. He felt Cas shift closer, followed by lips on his neck, “goodnight, Cas,” Dean carded his fingers through Cas’ hair, “I love you,” he said, for the umpteenth time that day.

“Love you too,” Cas breathed, relaxing.

Dean stared at the ceiling of the tent, listening to Cas sleep. When he was sure Cas was fast asleep, he carefully extricated himself from Cas, slipping out of the tent as quietly as he could.

It was pitch black outside, despite the eerie glow coming from the moon hitting the ocean. Dean grabbed the flashlight off the top of the car and turned it on again. The tent moved and he froze, until he heard snoring again. Exhaling with relief, he slowly opened the car door, still keeping an ear out for signs of Cas waking up.

Dean unzipped his duffel bag, grabbing the flannel-wrapped gun, a scrap piece of paper and a crayon that was on the seat. He closed his eyes, going over the plan one last time, making sure he had the essentials- the two dollars and thirty-something cents in cash he had in his wallet, the gun and stuff to write the note. He left his wallet, including his license, on the seat. It would make the ‘suicide’ more believable. 

Not wanting to make anymore noise, Dean picked up his shoes, along with everything else he needed. He tip-toed out of the site and up the path that lead to the ocean cliff. The moon shone brightly, glittering over the waves below. It was beautiful, but Dean couldn’t help feeling nauseous with nerves. The watch in the car said 11:42 PM, so, he still had a few minutes to write the note, which was short, sweet and to the point. He sat on the edge of the cliff and scribbled down everything he needed to say, in as few words as he could. The more vague the note was, the better. 

Dean felt like an idiot writing a fake suicide note in crayon. What is no one took it seriously? He shook the feeling off, grabbing a rock and using it as a paperweight, placing the note under it, “never thought I’d have to write one of these,” he sighed, laying the flashlight next to the note, so Cas would see it.

Dean stood up again and walked over to a tree, inhaling deeply before punching it as hard as he could, biting his lip so he wouldn’t cry out in pain, before going back to the cliff. His knuckles were bleeding, as he reached down and picked up the balled up flannel. He unwrapped the gun and put the wrinkled flannel on before smearing his blood on the handle and barrel of the gun. If they did a DNA test, it would be his blood. Then, it would be hard to deny the authenticity of the suicide.

The waves were still crashing down at the foot of the cliff. It was a really long way down. No one could survive a free fall onto rocks, and a body wouldn’t be found right now because it was high tide. Dean felt cautiously optimistic, until he looked at the gun in his hands. 

Inhaling slowly, Dean took the safety off. He wasn’t ready to do this to Cas. It wasn’t fair. He swallowed hard; maybe it would be better if he did it for real. One shot, problem solved. He’d be dead before he hit the rocks. Hell, if he wasn’t dead, he would be the instant he hit said rocks. The thought was almost appealing and it terrified him. His finger hovered over the trigger of the gun, torn about what to do. 

Dean closed his eyes, “it’s now or never, Dean-o,” he whispered, pulling the trigger.


	15. Freefalling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas is woken up by a loud bang. He instantly knows something is wrong, but didn't expect what was to come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers: mentions of suicide, depression, blood. Nothing too gory. But heads up if you can't handle devastated Cas.
> 
> We are nearing the end, people. A few more chapters of the actual plot...then I'm planning a sizable epilogue. Thanks so much for making it this far! It means the world that people are reading this 3 part series because it has totally consumed my entire life. Bless your souls. :)

A single, deafening bang destroyed the tranquility of the late summer night, echoing through the campsite, scaring Cas awake. He scrambled to sit up, his heart racing from the sound, “Dean, what was…” he trailed off, realizing he was alone in the tent.

Where the hell was Dean and, perhaps, just as importantly, what was that noise?

Cas’ heart sunk when he saw that the tent flap was already unzipped, “Dean?” he called, crawling outside, slipping his shoes on.

The fire pit was still smoking. Cas could see small bits of embers, glowing red under the ash, but no Dean. Everything was so quiet; it was strange to be in the middle of the woods and hear only the crashing of waves in the distance. Whatever made that bang scared everything in the area. Including Dean, who was nowhere to be seen.

“Dean?” Cas yelled, a bit louder, his voice cracking. Still, no response.

Maybe Dean went to sleep in the car. It was a little chilly outside, Cas thought, trying not to panic yet. Dean had to be around here somewhere.

“Dean?” Cas looked at the car, the back door was ajar and Cas was reluctant to walk over and check it out. He remembered closing that door. Inhaling slowly, he made his way over to the car and looked inside.

All of their belongings were still there; Dean’s duffel bag was open, but that didn’t concern Cas as much as what was on the seat. A wallet. Dean’s wallet. The wallet Dean never left anywhere; Cas was positive Dean even slept with it. He was never without his wallet.

Something was definitely wrong.

The bang, which Cas tried to pretend didn’t sound like a gunshot, came from the direction of the ocean. It was so loud that the source had to be close. Curiosity burned inside of Cas, but at the same time, he could feel his anxiety skyrocketing every second he didn’t find Dean.

Between Dean missing, without his wallet, as well as that noise, Cas was finally starting to feel anxious. Swallowing hard, he grabbed the lantern out of the car and decided to walk the path up to the ocean cliffs. His pulse was pounding in his ears as he got closer to the sound of waves, the moon illuminating a small clearing overlooking the sea.

Cas stopped, seeing a flashlight, laying discarded on the ground, it’s beam shining on a small rock. Taking a few cautious steps closer, he realized the flashlight belonged to him. As he went to bend down to pick it up, something else caught his attention, making him freeze.

A gun, sitting on the edge of the cliff. There was blood on it.

“This is a dream,” Cas whispered, slowly standing upright, unable to take his eyes off the abandoned weapon, “this is just a really bad dream…”

There was always the possibility that Cas was overreacting. The gun could belong to someone else; Dean didn’t even have a gun, to Cas’ knowledge. Perhaps someone misplaced the handgun while hunting...of the edge of a cliff...in a state park...in the middle of the night. This had to be some absurd coincidence.

For all Cas knew, Dean was off taking a piss in the woods or something.

Cas’ eyes went to the flashlight again, this time noticing a piece of paper poking out from under the rock. This had to be set up by someone. His mind automatically prepared for a worst case scenario, despite his herculean effort to convince himself that this was just a misunderstanding. He prayed that he was panicking over nothing, as he carefully lifted the rock and picked up the paper.

The chicken scratch handwriting was familiar and Cas closed his eyes, not ready to read whatever Dean had written, in what looked like green crayon. There was no way anything in the note would be good news. 

“Please, please tell me you didn’t do anything stupid,” Cas pleaded softly, taking a moment to collect himself before finally opening his eyes.

At first glance, before comprehending anything, Cas almost laughed because the note was definitely written in green crayon. However, the amusement didn’t last as he focused on what Dean had to say. His mouth fell open as he read silently:

_Cas-_

_I had to do this. I’m sorry for everything._

_DON’T. GIVE. UP._

_Love you always._

_-D_

A wave of dizziness hit Cas as he dropped the note, letting the breeze take it. The note meant only one thing and there was no denying it.

Dean killed himself.

Cas felt his entire world shattering. Every ounce of happiness was being crushed into dust and seemed to disappear in the wind, a feeling of dread replacing it, filling him to the brim. 

Dean was dead.

Everything was spinning. This was the end. After all of that bullshit, this was how it was always going to end. It was fate. It had to be.

For the first time in a long time, Cas wished he was dead. Without Dean, he would never be whole again. He wondered how many bullets were left in the gun, his eyes flickering to the pistol. There was definitely blood on the gun. It was all over the barrel and handle.

In that moment, Cas began to process how Dean did it. One shot to the head, then a fall into the sea. The thought made Cas feel queasy, his knees giving out. He collapsed instantly, his head colliding with the rock as he fell, knocking him out cold.

***

“Hey, man. You okay?” a voice coaxed Cas awake. Someone was shaking his shoulder.

Cas slowly opened his eyes; he was laying on his back and his head was throbbing. He didn’t move, staring up at the small patch of sky visible through the trees. There was a stranger, kneeling next to him, visibly worried, but Cas ignored him. He wanted to be alone.

“Oh, thank Christ you’re not dead,” the stranger exhaled loudly, “that’s a relief,” he looked at Cas, “I was camping a few sites down and heard a gunshot.”

Cas remained unresponsive, hearing everything the stranger was saying, but unwilling to contribute to the conversation. It was none of this guy’s business.

:Someone went to get one of the park rangers, so they’ll be here to help soon,” the stranger paused to give Cas a chance to speak, but continued when Cas remained silent, “what the hell happened, man? I just found you passed out with that gash on your forehead…”

Cas slowly sat up, focusing on the ocean, “he’s dead,” he whispered, finally finding his voice, “he shot himself.”

“Who did?” the stranger asked, raising an eyebrow.

“My boyfriend,” Cas breathed, stone-faced.

The stranger sat down next to Cas, looking out at the water, “I’ll stay here with you until help gets here...sorry, man, I didn’t catch your name.”

“Cas,” he mumbled, still expressionless, “my name is Cas.”

“Well, Cas, I’m Ash,” the stranger offering an amiable smile, “I know you don’t wanna hear it so soon, but even though things are shitty now, they won’t stay shitty. It’ll get better.”

Cas nodded, “I was bound to hear it from someone,” he said quietly, still not looking at Ash, “maybe you can actually sympathize.”

“Not to this exact situation,” Ash glanced at Cas, “but as a self-proclaimed traveling hobo, I can honestly tell you that I’ve dealt with my share of shit storms,” he chuckled without humor, “it comes with the lifestyle.”

“I’ve been on the road for months,” Cas sighed, “it’s not a life I’d choose again,” he would never have left Dean if he knew this would happen. Was everything that happened ultimately his fault? He felt sick, “I just want to go home.”

“It’s not for everyone,” Ash agreed, “I kind of fell into the life when I toured with The Doors after my tour of ‘Nam.”

Cas’ interest piqued, distracting him from Dean for the moment, “that one sentence officially makes you a hundred times more interesting than I’ll ever be in my entire life.”

“I make it sound a hell of a lot more glamorous than it was,” Ash got up as a set of headlights shone through the trees, “in reality, I was shot my first day in Saigon, then I went home and became a roadie,” he offered his hand to Cas, “looks like we’ve got company. Can you stand?”

Cas looked at Ash’s hand, “I’d like to stay here, if that’s alright,” he turned back to the ocean. His head hurt, he could feel blood dripping down his temple. The cut had to have happened when he got knocked out. Did he fall on that rock? Everything happened so fast.

“I’ll tell ‘em what you told me, but they’ll wanna talk to you eventually, man,” Ash touched Cas’ shoulder.

“I just need a minute,” Cas closed his eyes, hearing Ash’s footsteps walking away, fading in the direction of camp. He focused on his breathing, trying desperately to remain calm. If he cried now, it was all over. He had to keep it bottled up until he was finished talking to the authorities. Now wasn’t the time to mourn.

Cas could hear voices behind him, but he was too transfixed on the drone of waves endlessly crashing below to listen to anything being said. It didn’t matter. Dean was dead and most likely rotting at the bottom of the ocean, never to be found. Nothing really mattered. Even if they found Dean’s body, it would be just that, a body, nothing more.

The Dean that Cas knew was gone forever. 

Time seemed to slow down, each moment lasting an eternity. Cas was in a trance, completely hypnotized by the sound of the sea. Was this really happening? Maybe it was a dream...weirder things have happened.

“Cas,” Ash’s voice was close, “sorry to interrupt, man, but they want to take you down to the ranger’s station.”

Cas shook his head, “I just want to go home,” he whispered, not making an effort to stand up.

“They just want to patch you up and ask a few questions,” Ash touched Cas’ shoulder, “then you can go home.”

Cas looked at Ash, and a woman who was clearly a park ranger, “if I go to the ranger’s station, they’ll let me go home?” he asked, stoic.

“We just want to clean that bump on your head,” the ranger smiled kindly, “and once we get some information, you’ll be free to go.”

Cas sighed, defeated, “fine,” he got up, touching the wound on his forehead, “is it really that bad?” he looked at the blood on his fingers and felt dizzy again, wavering where he stood.

“Easy, dude. Let me help,” Ash put Cas’ arm over his shoulder, helping him to the ranger’s jeep, “do you want me to come down there?”

“No, thanks though,” Cas mumbled, getting into the jeep, nodding at Ash as the ranger drove off down the road, “will this take long?”

“Depends on how cooperative you plan on being,” the ranger pulled up next to a small building, “want some help?” she asked, getting out of the car to open Cas’ door.

“I’m fine,” Cas stood up and slowly followed the ranger inside.

“Grab a seat over in the office,” the ranger pointed to a room off to the right, “I’ll grab the first aid kit,” she added, disappearing down the hall.

Cas went to the office, taking a seat in one of the plastic chairs in front of the desk. There was a poster of a cat, dangling from a tree branch with the words HANG IN THERE in bold print, hanging on the wall. It made Cas want to vomit. This had to be a cruel joke. 

“I promise I’m certified to do this,” the ranger grinned at Cas, strolling into the office with a plastic box labeled ‘First Aid’, “so, what’s your name?” she sat across from Cas and opened the box.

“Cas,” he voice was hoarse from yelling, “I’m in trouble, aren’t I?”

“Cas?” she laughed, “Small world. I’m Cassie,” she pulled out a bottle of peroxide and poured some onto a piece of gauze, “this might sting,” she added, gently dabbing the cut on Cas’ forehead.

Cas inhaled sharply, “you’re avoiding my question,” he said, gritting his teeth as Cassie cleaned the wound.

“Because I don’t have an answer. I’m not a cop,” Cassie continued wiping around the cut, “I’m going to have to use a few butterfly closures,” she murmured to herself, “you may need actual stitches if it doesn’t heal on it’s own.”

Cas stayed quiet while Cassie fixed the laceration, trying not to flinch as she put the butterfly stitches on. When she was finished, she put a large bandage over it and sat back in her chair.

“Will I survive?” Cas asked dully, not exactly caring either way.

“You’re going to be just fine,” Cassie closed the kit and pulled off her rubber gloves, “are you up for answering a few questions for me?” she tossed her trash in the bin, “I’ll be as quick as I can.”

“Just get it over with,” Cas folded his arms, “First question.”

Cassie took a pen and some paper off the desk, “what happened up there?” she sat on the edge of the desk.

“Which part? The part where I knocked myself out on a rock or the part where my boyfriend killed himself?” Cas stared at the floor, wishing he was anywhere but there.

“Are you sure he’s dead?” Cassie glanced at Cas, “People go missing all the time.”

“Is there any other explanations for the gunshot?” Cas frowned, “Because it sure looked like he shot himself and fell off the cliff.”

“If it was a suicide, by law, I have to call the police,” Cassie looked sympathetic, “wait here,” she left the room.

Cas knew he’d eventually have to talk to the cops. It was inevitable. At least he had a somewhat solid alibi, if Dean was recognized. Cas planned to play up the face that it was weeks after the murder that Dean even found him. That would work to his advantage, because he wasn’t in Heaven Hills at the time of the murder. He was even prepared to bring in the fact that John Winchester threatened him, so he left home. He couldn’t go to jail as an accessory to murder. He’d never survive prison.

It was a long time before Cassie returned to the office. This time she was with a well-dressed man with a receding hairline and beady eyes. He looked important.

“Cas, this is detective McCleod,” Cassie ushered McCleod in, “he need to talk to you about what happened. I have to go talk to the crew outside.”

Cas could see police lights out the window. He wasn’t ready for this. Not at all. He shook the detective’s hand out of courtesy, but didn’t make eye contact.

“It looks like you’ve had a rough night,” McCleod said, after Cassie shut the door, leaving them, “so, here’s how this is going to go,” he had a strong English accent, which surprised Cas, “I’m asking the questions and you’re going to answer them,” Cas nodded and McCleod continued, “first things first, I need your full name.”

“Castiel James Novak,” Cas was finding it harder and harder to remain emotionless. He couldn’t turn his emotions on now, he had to remain stone-faced and just answer the questions. The sooner he did, the sooner he’d hopefully be on his way home.

“Right then, Cas, in your own words, describe to me what happened,” McCleod took a seat behind the desk, pulling out a small notebook and pen from his vest pocket, “start when you realized your mate was missing.”

“I was sleeping. He was there when I fell asleep and everything was fine,” Cas chose his words carefully. He couldn’t let the man know that he was fully aware of everything Dean had done, “then a loud bang woke me up and he was gone.”

McCleod was jotting down notes as Cas spoke. He glanced up, “what’s his name?”

Cas swallowed hard, feeling a lump rising in his throat, “Dean,” he cleared his throat, “Dean Winchester.”

McCleod stopped writing, “Dean Winchester?” his eyebrows shot up.

Cas immediately regretted not lying, but nodded slowly, “yes.”

“Dean Winchester killed himself?” 

“It looks that way, yes,” Cas sighed.

“Could you describe Dean for me?” McCleod seemed a little too interested and Cas knew instantly that the detective was familiar with Dean’s crime.

Cas raised an eyebrow, in an attempt to ham up his performance of playing oblivious. It was the only way his alibi would be helpful, “he had light hair, green eyes and walked with a limp-”

“That’s him,” McCleod leaned back in the chair, folding his arms smugly, “is there something you’re not telling me about what happened? Perhaps a motive behind Dean’s suicide?”

“I can tell you that Dean’s death was a total surprise,” Cas frowned at McCleod, “why do you ask?”

“You really haven’t heard of the infamous Dean Winchester?” McCleod looked skeptical, “It’s big news...newspapers, TV…everyone was covering his story…”

Cas cocked his head to the side, “with all due respect, sir, I haven’t seen a television show since early March. I’ve been camping and became sort of a recluse since then,” he shrugged, “I couldn’t even tell you the date. I’ve been extremely disconnected with the news.”

“Dean is wanted for murder and you were the last one to see him alive,” McCleod tapped the pen on the desk, “you may want a lawyer.”

“Murder?” Cas hoped he looked surprised, “He came out of a coma and murdered someone?”

“Someone? More like his own father,” McCleod shook his head, “Dean’s brother found the body. Poor kid.”

“Jesus,” Cas grimaced, “I had no idea…” he carded his fingers through his unkempt hair, “I never would have left California with Dean if I had known,” he clenched his fists, knowing it was a blatant lie, “how could I have been so stupid? I should have known something was wrong.”

“Sorry I was the one to tell you,” McCleod looked out the window, “my back-up is here.”

“I’m screwed, aren’t I?” Cas felt queasy, “I’m going to jail because my dead boyfriend is an idiot.”

“Not necessarily,” McCleod winked at Cas, “I believe your story. No one can fake that kind of shock,” he tore up the notes he’d taken, “you’re clearly in shock, so I’m going to do you a huge favor, mate,” he smiled mischievously, “you’re free to go.”

Cas stared at the detective, “what? Why?”

“Because not all cops are dicks,” McCleod tucked his notebook back in his vest, “you should go now, before my back-up gets in here.”

“Aren’t you a federal agent?” Cas slowly got up, “Couldn’t you get fired for this?” It was unnerving how cool McCleod was being with everything. Cas could have easily gone to jail, but he was literally being handed a ‘get out of jail free’ card. What the hell was going on?

“You’re very observant,” McCleod snorted, “look, I dealt with a similar case not too long ago and trust me, if you go to court, you won’t win.”

“Because I could be considered an accessory to murder,” Cas raised an eyebrow, “or am I missing the point?”

McCleod frowned, “you’re gay, if I’m not mistaken. You should already know how accepting people are,” he said sarcastically, showing Cas to the door, “I’ve seen an innocent man get locked up because the jury knew he shagged men,” he rolled his eyes, “as far as I’m concerned, the entire judicial system is corrupt, so I’ve taken matters in my own hands.”

“That’s...actually really honorable, thank you,” Cas smiled weakly. Sure, this could be a trick, but maybe, just maybe he lucked out for once, “can I ask you something?”

“Quickly,” McCleod peeked around the corner, toward the front door, before ushering Cas toward the back door.

“If you get caught trying to withhold-”

“Mate, I’m too bloody smart to get caught,” McCleod smirked at Cas, “and if that doesn’t work, I’m quite charismatic. I can talk myself out of anything. I come from a family of lawyers.”

“I can tell,” Cas couldn’t help taking a liking to McCleod. He was so confident and kindhearted, in a Robin Hood sort of way- helping the little guy, while screwing over the higher-ups. He may have totally changed the outcome of this whole case by letting Cas go, “I...I was just wondering if this case will go to trial with Dean dead and me out of the picture?”

“Don’t worry about a thing. No one in the Winchester family cares about a trial, so once we find a body, case closed,” McCleod opened the door for Cas.

“What if you don’t find a body?” Cas loitered in the door frame, “Will the search continue?”

McCleod was thoughtful for a moment, “is there enough evidence to prove the suicide was real?”

Cas looked down, “there’s a note up there,” he whispered, “and a gun. Trust me, you’ll find evidence.”

“Brilliant,” McCleod gently shoved Cas, “get going. I’ll keep the search crew down here as long as I can. I would recommend just taking your car and getting as far away as you can. Don’t compromise the scene.”

Cas nodded, “thanks again, detective.”

“Crowley, please,” McCleod insisted.

“Crowley, thank you,” Cas was truly grateful for good people like Crowley. 

“Sorry for your loss, Cas,” Crowley shut the door, leaving Cas alone on the back porch.

Cas had to process what had just happened, but time was a luxury he didn’t have. He headed back to the campsite, careful to avoid being seen by anyone. As he turned down the path toward his site, a voice startled him.

“Cas?” it was Ash, “That was fast.”

Cas turned to look at Ash, “I have to go, I’m sorry,” he said curtly, walking toward the Chevette.

“Wait a second, man,” Ash jogged to catch up, “go where? What happened down there?”

Cas stopped at his car, “a good cop was on the case,” he said cryptically, pulling his sleeve over his hand, so he could pick up the wallet and toss it from the car without leaving handprints, “he said there probably wouldn’t be a trial,” he added quickly, getting in the car and rolling down the window after shutting the door.

“Are you okay to drive?” Ash leaned on the car, “You’ve had one hell of a night. How about a co-pilot for you?”

“No thanks,” Cas started the car, “I promise I can handle it.”

Ash walked around the car and got in, “can I tag along anyway?”

“Um,” Cas raised an eyebrow, unsure of what to think of Ash. He certainly wasn’t shy, “Why?”

“I assume you’re heading south and my next adventure happens to be south of here, in Machias, which is a few towns away,” Ash made himself comfortable, “besides, I’d rather not be here when the cops get up here.”

“Okay,” Cas mumbled, pulling out onto the road, heading in the direction of the park gates, “What’s in Machias?”

“An old friend,” Ash turned the radio on, “and a couple of really cool lesbians.”

The answer caught Cas off guard and he laughed before he could stop himself, “you really are the most interesting person in the world,” he mused, somewhat glad to have company to distract him from the bullshit he just went through, even though he wasn’t feeling particularly social. Ash seemed nice enough.

“Shit, man. I’m just some crazy vagabond who has a stockpile of interesting friends,” Ash said modestly, “without them, I’m boring as fuck.”

“You can’t be as boring as me,” Cas slowed at the gates, his pulse racing. He was home free. 

“Take a left out of here, will ya?” Ash chimed in, “you’re not boring, you just haven’t told me your stories,” he added, egging on Cas, “I’m sure you’re a lot cooler than you give yourself credit for.”

“No offense, but, I barely know you,” Cas said quietly, unintentionally rude, “and I’m not really in the mood to talk.”

“Gotcha,” Ash looked out his window, an awkward silence enveloping the car.

Cas regretted being so rude. Without conversation, his mind went into overdrive, replaying every last detail of the past few hours. The reality of Dean’s suicide was starting to sink in and Cas wished he was home.

In Machias, Cas pulled over at a gas station to fill up and let Ash out. They hadn’t spoken since leaving the park. Cas shut off the car, “I guess this is where we go our separate ways,” he looked at Ash, “I may not seem grateful for your help, but I do appreciate it,” he added, offering his hand, “thank you.”

Ash’s face lit up, “no worries, man,” he shook Cas’ hand, “so, where are you headed now? Home?”

Cas nodded, “I just want to go home,” he wanted to sleep in his own bed. He wanted to wallow in self pity and mourn in the comfort of his own bedroom. He wanted to see Anna and Gabe. Hell, he missed a lot of people. Home was definitely where he needed to be.

“You drive safe, Cas,” Ash grinned, “maybe I’ll see you around.”

“Maybe,” Cas half-smiled, “good luck in your travels.”

After a round of goodbyes, Cas and Ash parted ways. With a full tank of gas, Cas left Machias and started the long drive back to Heaven Hills. He was exhausted, but forced himself to drive until long after the sun came up. By ten in the morning, he physically couldn’t drive. He’d been on autopilot since realizing Dean was dead...he needed to sleep. 

Cas shut his emotions off as he drove. The faster he got home, the faster he could mourn. As he was driving through New York state, the wall he put up was crumbling. He was so tired. The first motel he found was good enough. 

Key procured, Cas grabbed his things out of the car and went to the room. It took him a few tried to get the key in the lock because his hands were shaking. When he finally got inside, he locked the door and dropped his bag on the floor, making a beeline for the bed, where he flopped down on his back.

The stucco ceiling was covered in water stains and the bed linens smelled musty, but Cas was unphased. Dean’s death really happened. Dean was dead. Cas was still in disbelief. He just couldn’t win.

How could everything go to shit so fast?

The last night with Dean was the happiest he’d been in a long time and now it was his final good memory. He wished he could focus on the positives, but his mind was transfixed on how Dean killed himself. Did he suffer? Was it quick and painless?

Cas could only guess about the details. It looked like Dean fell off the cliff after shooting himself. The idea of Dean causing harm to himself made Cas cringe. He could feel bile rising up in his throat and knew he was going to be sick.

It was a photo-finish getting to the toilet in time. Cas doubled over, gagging, as he fell to his knees. He hadn’t eaten yet and the taste of bile coming up made him cough wetly into the commode. The water he drank a little while ago came spilling out and that’s when the tears started.

Cas didn’t bother holding back. He just couldn’t pretend he was alright anymore. He was so made that Dean took the easy way out...he was feeling a lot of things. Devastation, betrayal, emptiness. Nothing was alright. Not even close.

The more Cas thought about Dean, the weaker he felt. He cried for what felt like hours, hugging the toilet, still coughing wetly. His entire body was trembling and he wanted to die right there. It wasn’t possible to bounce back after something like this. 

Why bother trying?

Cas slid down to the cool, tiled floor, curling up in a fetal position, his chest still heaving with sobs. He felt utterly hopeless; it didn’t matter if he promised Dean he wouldn’t give up. Dean was gone forever and that was that, all promised were null and void. 

“I can’t do this alone,” Cas whispered hoarsely, his voice shaking, “Dean’, don’t make me do this alone,” he closed his eyes, letting sleep take him after a while, curled up on the bathroom floor, tears still streaming down his cheeks.


	16. The Cabin In The Woods

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The plan is a go and Dean hates that it came to this. With the help of Ash, Dean manages to get to the safe house and begins the long, arduous process of sorting out this mess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: depression, mentions of suicide. 
> 
> With that said, I want to thank everyone for reading. This series has gotten a hell of a lot more attention than I ever expected, and the support is overwhelming. 
> 
> Since this is part three, I highly recommend reading the first two parts beforehand:  
> Fast Times At Heaven Hills High: http://archiveofourown.org/works/1369000  
> Faster Times In San Francisco: http://archiveofourown.org/works/1779334
> 
> The end is nigh!! Just a few more chapters and the epilogue. 
> 
> Enjoy, readers!

Shooting a gun for the first time wasn’t what Dean had expected. It wasn’t the weight that surprised him, in fact, he liked the weight. The thing that threw him off was how loud the shot was. TV never made it this loud. The moment he pointed the gun at the water and pulled the trigger, he was almost positive he’d gone deaf. The ringing in his ears was disorienting, but he didn’t have time to think. He dropped the gun on the ground and took off into the woods, in the direction of the parking lot.

Since the accident, running hadn’t been one of Dean’s talents. Running might not have even been the right word. It was more of an urgent hobble than anything. His limp, which had never really improved, made a quick getaway difficult.

Dean was out of breath. It had been so long since he’d played football. Things had changed so much in the past year, that it was borderline absurd. Never in a million years would he have guessed that this would be his life. Murder, lying and a fake suicide. No one could have predicted any of that.

As Dean struggled through the underbrush, the ringing in his ears was starting to subside, but his legs were beginning to tire quickly, growing weaker every second. He couldn’t keep up the pace much longer. Sweat was pouring down his face as the single lamppost from the parking lot came into view, shining like a beacon. He was almost home free.

Slowing his pace, Dean reached the edge of the trees. It was so dark that he was genuinely surprised that he didn’t get lost trying to get to the parking lot. He leaned against one of the trees, slumping down to sit on the dew-soaked grass. Ash was nowhere to be seen, so Dean closed his eyes to process everything as he caught his breath. 

By now Cas was awake and aware that Dean was gone. Cas was probably looking for him, panicked. Dean rubbed his eyes, feeling tears welling up as he thought about Cas alone and, most likely, scared. He regretted everything. Cas would be better off without Dean. Everyone would be.

Maybe a real suicide would have been a wiser choice.

“What the hell have I done?” Dean mumbled, raking his hands through his unwashed hair.

“Hopefully what needed to be done,” Ash’s voice startled Dean. He was leaning against a neighboring tree, watching Dean.

“Son of a bitch,” Dean hissed, glaring at Ash, “How freaking long have you been there?” he slowly got up, holding onto the tree for support. His legs felt like jelly.

“I heard you coming, so I hung back and let you have a minute,” Ash didn’t move, “I heard the shot, so, I assume the plan is a go?”

“Yeah,” Dean sighed, “but I still hate it.”

“Well, you dug yourself into this hole. Now, you gotta get yourself out,” Ash punched Dean’s arm, “no turning back now, dude.”

Dean couldn’t argue. This whole scenario was entirely his fault and he had to fix it, “do you think we could stick around and keep an eye on things?” he asked, looking at Ash, “You know, just for a little while.”

Ash snorted, “no fucking way, lover boy. You know that’s too risky,” he jingled a key ring, “we’re taking the van to the safe house in Machias,” he pointed to a brand new Ford Econoline van, “also, Charlie loaned us her shag wagon.”

“I can’t leave Cas alone,” Dean said stubbornly, folding his arms. He knew he was being unreasonable, but he worried more about Cas with each passing minute. 

“I thought the whole point of this was to leave,” Ash sounded annoyed, “you’re aware that if you’re found, you’re going to jail, right?”

“Then, you stay and I’ll go,” Dean suggested, putting off leaving as long as he could, “Cas has no idea who you are because I never mentioned you. Just, you know, check on him and make sure he doesn’t do any-”

“Were you going to say anything stupid? Like offing himself?” Ash interrupted, clearly taking a jab at Dean, his voice drenched in sarcasm.

“Please,” Dean touched Ash’s arm, “just make sure he’s okay,” he pleaded, “find out where he’s heading…”

“You owe me, man,” Ash said after a tense pause, giving in, “I’ll keep an eye on Cas,” he handed the keys to Dean, “do you think he’ll drive me to Machias?”

“Who knows. Just refuse to let him leave alone. Say you want to be his copilot or something,” Dean heard and engine start in the distance and knew people would filling into the area soon, “don’t let him be alone tonight.”

“Got it,” Ash squeezed Dean’s shoulder, “there’s directions to the house in the van and you have plenty of gas. Now, get the hell out of here, man.”

Dean knew he’d run out of time. He had to leave now and nothing could change that, even his reluctance to go, “make sure you keep Cas in the dark. If he finds out that you know me and that I’m alive, it won’t be good. He just needs to be oblivious until the media dies down,” he knew he was dawdling at this point. The thought of finally leaving terrified him.

“Dean, go,” Ash said sternly, “I got this.”

“Are you-”

“I’m positive,” Ash reassured Dean, “now, go. I’ll see you at the house tomorrow.”

Dean nodded, “thanks,” he said gruffly, pointing up the dirt road, “the campsite is just up there. You’ll see the Chevette.”

Ash gave Dean a thumbs up as he walked away. Dean inhaled slowly, collecting himself, before cautiously heading to the van. 

Once inside the van, Dean started it and headed out of the parking lot, unable to linger any longer than he already had. Not because he wanted to leave Cas, but because if he blew his cover now, this entire plan would have been in vain. Hurting Cas was bad enough, if Dean got caught and went to jail, he’d never forgive himself. 

Dean didn’t know when or if he’d see Cas again, and that was the hardest part to cope with. He would do whatever it took to be with Cas, but, what if it truly wasn’t meant to be? Hell, what if Cas didn’t forgive him when he came back? How could Dean even expect Cas to forgive him for a stunt like this, when he knew damn well that he’d never forgive himself?

A couple of miles from the park, Dean pulled over to find the directions to Machias. His hands were shaking as he pawed through the pocked on the side of his seat, easily finding Ash’s map. The route was simple enough, pretty much a straight shot. Dean stuffed the map back in the pocket and pulled back out onto the road.

It was almost one in the morning. At this point, Cas would have found the fake suicide note and the gun. Dean wondered what Cas thought when he saw the note. He knew Cas was most likely devastated and it killed Dean. In a way, he didn’t want Cas to forgive him. He didn’t deserve it. At all.

The entire drive to Machias was in silence. Dean was deep in thought, worrying about Cas. Sure, he trusted Ash, but what if Cas did something stupid and Ash was too late? So many terrible things could happen, all because Dean was too selfish to let Cas move on; he’d never admit it, but he knew it was true. Love always made him selfish. He was too god damn afraid to be alone, add that to the fact that he loved Cas more than anything in the world, he had every reason to be selfish.

Losing Cas just wasn’t an option.

The plan would work. It had to. Dean was out of ideas when he came out alive, and as much as he hated lying to Cas, he knew it was the only way. Everything was so complicated. Cas was right about everything he said before the accident. Dean complicated everything. He always had.

“What the fuck is wrong with me?” Dean groaned miserably, unable to stop the negative thoughts from manifesting themselves. Every last worst case scenario was playing out in vivid detail as he passed a sign, welcoming him to Machias.

It was well after two in the morning when Dean finally pulled up to the quaint log cabin. There were absolutely no lights, so, he flipped on the reading light inside the van, hoping there was a flashlight or something around. He wasn’t about to walk up to a strange house, alone, in the dark without some kind of illumination. No freaking way. 

Unable to find a flashlight, Dean settled on a lighter. He shut the van off and got out, flicking the lighter on before carefully making his way to the house. It was chilly outside, but the woods around him were alive with crickets and other unseen critters. He hated being alone in the woods at night and quickened his pace when some twigs snapped in the woods.

The door was locked, but Dean managed to find a spare key under the welcome mat. He let himself in, using the small flame from the lighter to find a lamp, flipping on the first one he found. The cabin was a lot less daunting with everything illuminated. It was actually nice; small, but welcoming. Dean felt safe here.

Since Dean knew this cabin would be his home for the next few weeks, he decided to have a look around. Exploring would keep his mind off of Cas, or, at least distract him from sitting around moping for the time being. It would make time pass a hell of a lot slower if he didn’t keep busy, so he wasted no time going into every room of the house. 

There were two bedrooms, a bathroom, kitchen and parlor. Dean claimed the room with a view of the pond behind the house. He didn’t have anything with him, so he made a mental note that he was calling dibs on the room. 

After snooping through everything, he ended up outside on the back porch, which also overlooked the pond. It was beautiful here. Dean had to remember to thank Charlie for helping a fugitive. He almost felt guilty for lucking out like this...almost. This sudden streak of luck was more than welcome. 

Dean sat down on the porch stairs, looking out at the water, his mind straying to Cas. He sighed, wishing Cas was here. Cas would like this place, Dean was sure of it. He wondered where Cas was now. Did Cas stay in Maine? Did he go home? Dean just hoped Cas didn’t get caught up in the impending media circus.

Pinching the bridge of his nose, Dean felt a stress headache coming on. He was so worried about Cs, but he could feel his body shutting down from exhaustion. It had been almost twenty-four hours since he’d slept and he didn’t know how much longer he could stay awake.

Reluctantly, Dean threw in the white towel and went to the room he claimed, flopping down on the bed. It smelled faintly of lavender, which relaxed Dean enough to close his eyes and finally fall asleep. 

***

It seemed like only moments had passed when Ash’s voice, followed by a pillow being thrown, woke Dean out of a dean sleep, “wake your ass up and come see this, dude.”

 

Dean yawned, blinking tiredly at Ash, “what is it?” he asked, dragging himself out of bed. What time was it? When did Ash get here?

“You’re on TV,” Ash nodded out to the parlor, “I thought you’d want to keep up with the media.”

Dean frowned, not really surprised that the news was covering the story, “yeah,” he looked out the window at the pond, “is it safe to assume that there isn’t any good news?”

“Eh,” Ash shrugged, “the new only broke a few hours ago.”

Dean stretched, cracking his knuckles as he went into the parlor, where the TV was on. A reporter, wearing a hideous purple tie, was at the campsite where Dean was less than a day ago. There were official looking men in the background, behind police tape, searching through what Dean assumed was everything Cas left behind. The Chevette was gone and Dean hoped Cas had gotten away from that mess.

Ash strolled into the room and turned the TV volume up, taking a seat on the sofa. Dean joined him, staring at the screen, as a familiar man stepped into the frame. His jaw dropped, recognizing the man instantly. Crowley. From his coma. It was fucking Crowley. Dean felt his head spinning as the two of them watched Crowley stepped up to the microphone.

Crowley cleared his throat, leaning into the microphone, “good morning. I’m detective McCleod, lead person on this investigation,” he sounded almost cocky talking about himself, “as of now, Dean Winchester, prime suspect in the murder of John Winchester, is suspected dead,” he was stoic as he spoke, “last night, a suicide note, as well as a gun, were found at this campsite after reports of a gunshot being fired came in, just after midnight. A body hasn’t been found, but search crews are out in boats as I speak,” he shot a glance at the reporter, “I gave a statement, now let me get back to my job,” he added harshly.

“One question, detective,” the reported chimed in, “are there any other suspects involved in this case, or was Dean Winchester acting alone?”

McCleod was thoughtful for a moment, and Dean couldn’t look away, “the other person who could have potentially been involved has been questioned and released.”

“Detective, could we get a na-”

“I have no further comments,” McCleod said curtly, walking off.

Dean stared at the TV, his mouth hanging open. Cas was in the clear. The plan was working. This whole fucking ordeal might actually play out exactly as he wanted it to. He felt cautiously optimistic for the first time in weeks.

The reporter recapped the story on TV, holding Dean’s attention, “Murder suspect, Dean Winchester, is thought to be dead, in Maine this morning. No body has been found and there are still no comments from the family. Winchester was eighteen years old,” the reporter said, signing off, leaving Dean in a state of surprise. How the hell did he luck out enough for this to work? It was still early, but he felt hope, which was an amazing change.

Ash nudged Dean, “rest in peace, dude.”

Dean rolled his eyes, “ha ha, very funny.”

“I’m just fucking with you,” Ash got up and shut the TV off, “congrats on tricking everyone,” he added, uncharacteristically grouchy, crushing Dean’s newfound optimism.

Dean knew something was wrong instantly, “everything alright?” he asked, not sure if he really wanted to know.

“I keep thinking about how I found your boy last night,” Ash looked worried, “he’s a mess, Dean. I really shouldn’t have left him.”

Dean felt his heart sink, “what happened last night?” he asked, before he could stop himself, mentally preparing himself for the worst.

“Cas was out cold, bleeding, when I got up to the campsite,” Ash folded his arms, “I’ve never seen anyone so totally broken,” he was visibly troubled, “and trust me, dude, I’ve seen some shit.”

Bleeding? What the hell happened? The visual of Cas passed out, bleeding, made Dean flinch, “is...Cas okay?” he asked hoarsely, his voice cracking, “Did he drive you to Machias?”

“Cas was out of it when he dropped me off downtown,” Ash picked up his pack, “he said he was heading home,” he paused, glancing at Dean, “okay isn’t really the word I’d use to describe him. Not even by a long shot.”

“Where are you going?” Dean stood up, watching Ash toe into his shoes.

“I think I’ll check the scene in Heaven Hills,” he half-smiled, “Cas was trying so hard to be strong, but I’d feel a lot better if I was there, keeping an eye on things.”

“You’re leaving?” Dean raised an eyebrow, “To keep an eye on Cas?”

“I promised I would,” Ash punched Dean’s arm, “I’ll report everything back to base.”

Dean finally smiled, grateful for Ash’s kindness, “you’re a good man, Ash.”

“I’m only doing because I read that Romeo and Juliet story. I refuse to let that shit happen in real life,” Ash said seriously, “I can see how much you two love each other, so, so more drama. Let’s just get through this with no lives lost,” he chuckled darkly, “well, except for your dad.”

“If anything happens, call me,” Dean walked Ash to the door, “I’ll be here.”

“Aye aye, captain,” Ash saluted Dean, before grabbing the keys to the van off the table, “you behave yourself, Winchester.”

“Keep Cas safe,” Dean followed Ash outside, “I’m really counting on you, man.”

“Stop worrying. You got this far. Chances are, the media will move on in a couple of weeks,” Ash squeezed Dean’s shoulder, “you’ll be back with Cas before you know it.”

“I hope you’re right,” Dean sighed, not exactly looking forward to alone time. His mind was transfixed on all the negative possible outcomes of the plan and it was only going to get worse when Ash left. That didn’t stop him from appreciating Ash’s offer to keep an eye on Cas though. 

“Dude, you look like a sad puppy,” Ash snorted, “I told you that Charlie and Hannah would be here soon, probably tonight, so, stop pouting,” he twirled the keyring around his index finger, looking thoughtful, “I promise I’ll call if anything comes up,” he added, offering a small smile before heading to the van, starting it and disappearing down the long, dirt driveway.

With Ash gone, Dean was left alone to his thoughts again, which were anything but positive. Sure, the plan was working, but he couldn’t celebrate this victory. It would be wrong to be happy when he knew that Cas thought he was dead. The feeling was bittersweet and unpleasant.

Dean hoped that Cas was safe. If Cas was as bad as Ash described, something terrible could have happened already. What if Cas got into an accident? What if he opted out all together?

No.

Cas wouldn’t do that. He couldn’t...could he?

Stressed, Dean went back inside, locking the door behind him, before heading to the back porch. It was still chilly outside, but it was peaceful nonetheless and he needed to clear his mind. Cas was okay. Dean was okay. Everything would be okay.

But, what if things weren’t okay? What if Cas was dead? Or, perhaps worse, what if Cas refused to forgive Dean when he came back from the dead? What if it was all downhill from here?

Dean sat down on the stairs, looking out over the calm water. The sun was high in the sky, but autumn was definitely in the air. Summer was definitely on it’s way out. It had been a year since Cas came into his life. Since everything changed. 

Back then, Dean was happy. The early days, with Cas, were memories Dean clung to nowadays. He knew it would never be like that again, but he cherished those times that passed faster than he could have possibly anticipated. The fastest times. They were good times and he’d never forget how it felt to fall head-over-heels in love with Cas. 

The love Dean felt for Cas was the strongest feeling he possessed. Dean hoped his love for Cas would get him through this whole ordeal. He just had to keep himself in check, because he was truly his own worst enemy and if he got the best of himself, it wouldn’t be pretty.

It was so hard to focus on the good memories with the abundance of terrible ones. Dean couldn’t help thinking about the fake memories. There were literally an infinite amount of awful things that could happen before he could reunite with Cas, or with anyone, for that matter, and there was nothing that could change that. Fate was an unpredictable douchebag.

Cas wasn’t Dean’s only concern. Sammy was probably in a worst state of mind than anyone. Then there was Jo and every friend he had in Heaven Hills. There were was likely a handful of people upset over the stunt he pulled. 

Maybe it would be easier to stay dead to everyone, even Cas.

Or, maybe it was selfish. But, in hindsight, Dean knew that most of what he’d done was for selfish reasons. He was a selfish piece of shit, that much was certain. It made him wonder if he was a bad person. 

Dean sighed, rubbing his temples in an attempt to ease the stress headache that had been ever-present since he’d arrived in Machias. People were going to be pissed when they found out that the suicide was fake. At this point, Dean’s main concern was not being forgiven. He didn’t have a plan if Cas slammed a door in his face.

The thought made Dean shudder; showing up at Cas’ door, only to have it closed immediately. If he lost Cas, he was unsure of what he’d do, if he did anything at all. He knew he was too stubborn to give up on Cas easily, but, at the same time, he wouldn’t force Cas to love him. That would be wrong.

Dean felt nauseous, thinking about the very real possibility of Cas not welcoming him back with open arms. Cas would most likely be livid, and Dean was prepared for a punch to be thrown. He’d accept the abuse, as long as Cas didn’t throw him out. Things would be fine. Dean could make them okay.

But, what if things couldn’t be fixed?

Dean felt a lump rising in his throat as he realized that he might not be able to fix this. There were only so many ways to apologize, but if Cas couldn’t trust him, an apology was pointless. This whole plan would go belly-up and Dean would have been better off dead. 

Groaning miserably, Dean covered his face with his hands, feeling fresh tears on his cheeks, “what have I done?” he whispered, his voice shaky, “I’m so stupid,” he sniffed loudly, wiping his eyes on his sleeve, “please be okay, Cas,” he mumbled, trying to repress the sobs threatening to escape.

Inhaling slowly, Dean tried to collect himself. He couldn’t let Charlie or Hannah seem him like this. They’d worry if he was an emotional nightmare. He had to be strong if he was going to get through this. If he lost it now, it was going to be an unbearable few weeks away from Cas.

“You got this, Dean-o,” Dean breathed, looking up as a car door slammed out front, “I got this,” he reiterated, desperately trying to convince himself that it was true. Sighing, he got up, “I don’t got this.”


	17. Condolence Cards and Moving On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas has a lot of issues coping with Dean's death, but after three weeks, he gets a boost from Meg and Gabe which helps him overpower the crippling depression. He finally starts to move on, until a knock on the door, about a month after Dean's death, changes everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took me so long to write because of the content. It's really, really ridiculously long, but, I hope it's worth the wait. The next chapter is in the works and I'm hoping to have it posted in the next week, week and a half. 
> 
> Be sure to subscribe to keep up with my updates! Also, thanks for the kudos and comments, guys. It means a lot!! Keep sharing my series, I'd love to boost the view counts! :)
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: depression, self harm, talk of suicide, drinking.

Waking up on a dirty bathroom floor, next to a mold-stained toilet wasn’t Cas’ idea of a good morning, but at this point, he didn’t expect anything to be good again. Not with Dean gone. Life was shit and that was that.

Cas didn’t bother to shower or look in a mirror before he left the run-down motel. It was still light outside, so he hadn’t slept more than a few hours. He wasn’t fully rested by any means, but he could sleep when he got home. 

Heaven Hills was still a good twelve hours away, but Cas made the executive decision to drive it in a straight shot. He was sick of this stupid adventure. Finding himself wasn’t what he had hoped it would be. All he found was a crushing blow to his soul, that would never heal. He wished he’d never left home in the first place. 

Home. 

Cas truly missed the tiny apartment he shared with Anna, Gabe and sometimes Meg. There were so many good memories back in Heaven Hills. Cas hoped the happiness he used to feel there would return. Hell, any feeling other than mind-numbing devastation would be welcome.

The fact that it was raining for a good chunk of the drive didn’t help Cas’ mind state. He stared out the road, expressionless, only stopping to gas up the car. The hours, surprisingly enough, passed quickly. It got dark after what seemed like only minutes. How long had he been driving?

Cas glanced at the watch on his dashboard; it was after midnight. He swallowed hard, gripping the steering wheel tighter. Twenty-four hours had already passed since Dean left for good, but Cas felt worse than ever and his mood wasn’t showing any signs of improving.

As Cas passed a sign for Heaven Hills on the highway, a thought hit him. If he went home, he’d be bombarded with questions from Anna and Gabe. They would want Cas to talk about everything and he didn’t think he could handle that. Not yet. It was too soon.

Then again, maybe Anna and Gabe would give Cas some space to mourn. Both of them knew how much Dean meant to him. Hopefully they would just leave him alone. Cas just wanted to be alone. 

Sighing, Cas took the exit toward Heaven Hills. He was done living like a hobo. Home was the one place where he had unwavering love and support. With Dean gone, there was only his siblings left. Even if he wanted to mourn in solidarity, at least Anna and Gabe would be there if he needed them. 

Though, as much as he hated to admit it, the more Cas thought about everything that happened, the more he realized he couldn’t get through this alone.

Cas slowed the cas as he crossed into Heaven Hills. It had been over six months since he’d been here, yet everything was still the same. Heaven Hills High looked exactly as it did the day he ran away. It was unnerving to be back, since the reason he left was the reason he returned.

Dean.

Either this town was really good luck when it came to Dean, or, it was a beacon for shitty luck. The kind that lulls someone into a false sense of security with small bursts of good luck before slamming them with a shit storm of biblical proportions. Maybe the town was cursed. Leaving Heaven Hills never seemed to work out. 

Cas wasn’t positive of the fine details of that coma reality dream thing, but what he did know was that they both left home and it ended badly. Things didn’t work out much better in this reality. Cas couldn’t decide if being back here was good or bad. It could go either way. 

Anna’s Volvo caught Cas’ attention. It was nearly three in the morning and Anna was definitely sleeping, so Cas relaxed a little. He could sneak inside without having to deal with questions. He was too mentally and physically exhausted to be hounded right away.

Cas pulled up behind the Volvo and shut his car off, getting out and closing the door as quietly as he could. Not bothering to grab his bags, he headed up to the apartment building, careful not to let the main door slam behind him. The hallway was dimly lit, but Cas knew precisely where he was going.

The door to the flat was locked. Cas sighed, mostly out of frustration, as he stood on the tips of his toes to grab the spare key on the top of the door frame. He unlocked the door, turning the key slowly and opening the door just as carefully. Waking up Anna was something Cas really needed to avoid. 

Once inside, Cas closed the door softly, squinting as his eyes adjusted to the darkness. He toed out of his shoes, walking back to his old room, almost swearing out loud when he flipped the light on. His room was filled with dozens of large canvases. Anna was using his room for storage. Great.

Too tired to be any more upset than he already was, Cas went back to the couch and collapsed on it. Sleep won out over consciousness instantly. He hardly had time to think about the past twenty-four hours. His last thought before drifting off was hoping he never woke up.

***

A surprised yelp from Anna startled Cas several hours later. He sat up, looking at his sister, who was staring, wide-eyed, at him. Cas cleared his throat awkwardly, turning his attention to the floor, “hello, Anna,” he mumbled sheepishly.

“Cas,” Anna joined Cas on the couch, touching his arm, “I saw the news,” her voice was barely a whisper.

“Okay,” Cas didn’t care what the news had to say. He lived through the night. He was well aware of what happened. 

Anna was frowning, “did you want to walk about it?” she sounded genuinely concerned.

Cas shook his head, “not really,” he said gruffly, glancing at Anna, “I just want to shower and go to bed.”

“I’ll get my art stuff out of your room,” Anna got up, “hey, Cas?”

“Hm?” Cas stood up, catching Anna’s gaze. He remained stoic.

“Are you going to be alright?” Anna folded her arms, raising an eyebrow.

“I’m fine,” Cas said, too-quickly. He knew Anna could tell he was lying, but he wasn’t ready to talk. It was so fresh in his mind; he was still hoping it was all just a nightmare.

A range of expressions flickered across Anna’s face, until it settled on one that Cas assumed was sympathy, “alright, Cas,” she half-smiled, “I’ll make you a toasted PB and J sandwich while you shower,” she hugged Cas suddenly, “I’m glad you’re back.”

Cas didn’t return the hug, but felt himself relax in the embrace. He was glad to be back. Coming home was the right choice, “thank you,” he murmured before going back to the bathroom, locking the door behind him.

As always, the bathroom was spotless. It smelled like clean cotton and flowers, which was a pleasant upgrade from the lavatories Cas had grown accustomed to. He turned on the shower and cracked the window, so the mirror wouldn’t fog up while he shaved the stubble he’d ignored for too long.

Cas almost didn’t recognize himself in the reflection that stared blankly at him in the mirror. He touched the bandage on his forehead, flinching. The cut still stung, but it had stopped bleeding, so he carefully removed the dressing, revealing the wound.

“You look like crap,” Cas said, expressionless. There were smudges of dirt on his cheeks and his hair was in desperate need of a good pair of scissors. Dark circles rimmed his eyes, making him look much older than eighteen, which was only emphasized by how thin his face had gotten. He looked strung out. No wonder Anna was concerned. He was a mess.

Cas splashed some water on his cheeks, after fishing out Gabe’s shaving kit. He made quick work of the scruff, only cutting himself twice. Shaving vastly improved the state of his face, but a shower was mandatory. It had been a while since he’d bathed, and he couldn’t disregard the fact that he was at filthy hobo status any longer. 

The water was perfectly warm and Cas relaxed the instant he stepped into the spray. He stood under the shower head, watching the dirt and filth swirl down the drain. Closing his eyes, he savored the soothing heat and pulse from the water hitting his back. He could have stood there forever.

After scrubbing himself clean, Cas reluctantly shut off the tap. He reached for one of the towels draped over the rack next to the tub, wiping his face off, hissing when he hit his cut. There was some blood on the towel; Cas rolled his eyes and tied the towel around his hips, stepping out of the tub, so he could look in the mirror. There was a small trickle of blood going down his temple- the butterfly stitches had come off. Cas grabbed a tissue and dabbed the blood, opening the cabinet to look for a bandaid. 

The only bandages were bright pink with little hearts on them. Anna made it a habit of buying girly bandaids because Gabe had a tendency to waste bandaids to get attention. He was infamous for faking injuries to get people to shower him with attention. This was terribly inconvenient for Cas when he actually needed to cover up a cut.

Frowning, Cas took two of the pink bandages and carefully put them over the cut. He looked idiotic with a heart-print X on his forehead, but he didn’t care that much. It wasn’t like he was planning to leave the apartment anytime soon. He had every intention of hiding in his room as long as it took to mourn. 

Cas tossed his dirty clothes in the hamper on his way out of the bathroom. The smell of toasting bread wafted down the hall, making his stomach growl. He hadn’t eaten since that last night with Dean. The thought made him feel queasy. He had to brace himself on the wall, closing his eyes to collect himself.

“Cas, you don’t look so good,” Anna’s voice surprised Cas, “come sit down. I’ll get you some pants,” she helped him to the kitchen table, “eat,” she pushed a plate toward him before disappearing down the hall. 

Staring at the sandwich, Cas didn’t feel hungry. He knew he hadn’t eaten in almost two days, but he just didn’t feel like eating. Grilled PB and J was one of his favorites, but he didn’t want it. The only thing he wanted was Dean.

Anna returned to the kitchen, handing a pair of sweatpants to Cas, which he pulled on before draping his towel over the back of the chair. He sat back down, still eyeing the sandwich. There was no way he could eat. He knew he’d just puke it up. It would be pointless.

“You can’t starve yourself, you know,” Anna tore the sandwich in half and took a bite, “if you eat half, I’ll leave you alone for the rest of the day,” she said after a few moments, licking melted peanut butter off her finger.

Cas picked up the other half of the sandwich and took a bite, defeated. It had been so long since he’d had real food. He closed his eyes, enjoying his favorite combination of peanut butter and strawberry jelly. Maybe he was hungry. Each bite did make him feel less nauseous.

“I knew you were hungry,” Anna cleared the plate, putting it in the sink, “I can make you another one-”

“I’m fine,” Cas got up and grabbed his towel, “I’ll cook something if I’m hungry.”

“When was the last time you ate?” Anna asked, her tone motherly, “You look thin, Cas.”

Cas just wanted to escape, “Anna, please,” he pleaded, “I promise, I’m fine.”

“Fine,” Anna said coolly, turning back to the sink, “have a nice nap,” she turned the water on and started humming to herself as she washed the dishes.

Cas knew Anna was annoyed, but he wasn’t going to apologize for wanting to be left alone. He walked out of the kitchen without another word, making a beeline for his room, which Anna had, in fact, cleared out. Cas’ eyes went to his desk, where a package of cookies sat next to a folded piece of paper. His curiosity won out instantly and he read the note.

_Cas-_

_If you need anything, I’m here._

_-Anna_

_PS- Sorry I didn’t have any Oreos. :(_

Anna never ceased to be the best big sister Ca could hope for. He wished he hadn’t been so curt with her. She was only trying to help and Cas was too pig-headed to let her. He didn’t want help. He didn’t need it. 

All Cas needed was Dean.

Cas flopped down on his bed and stared at the ceiling. So, this was his life now. He knew he wasn’t alone, but it certainly felt that way. It was like a part of him was missing. The part that included hope and happiness. He knew the part missing was Dean. It had been from the moment Cas saw Dean. 

It seemed like so long ago. Had it really been only a year? Cas could remember the day he met Dean down to every last detail. It was his favorite memory. He was so hopeful back then, and Dean was to thank. Dean changed Cas’ life and he was sure that he wouldn’t have made it this far if he hadn’t met Dean. Good, bad, it didn’t matter what Dean brought to Cas’ life because all of it was exactly what he needed. 

Now it was gone.

Dean was dead and all Cas felt was emptiness. Sure, there were other feelings, but the overwhelming empty one was the strongest. The shock, sadness and even anger were present, but it didn’t matter. It was pointless to feel because feelings wouldn’t bring Dean back. Nothing would.

Cas wondered how Sam and everyone else took the news about Dean. He wanted to call Sam, but he was sure that Sam would blame him for Dean’s death- he sure blamed himself for it. Dean may have committed suicide, but Cas knew the blame was on him. Everything that happened, started because of Cas. Dean went to ridiculous measures to protect Cas. This was on Cas. 

‘I had to do this.’ That’s what the note said. Cas bit his lip, the note was still vivid in his mind. There was no way Cas could avoid taking the blame. Everything Dean did was for Cas, and that guilt was eating away at him. There was no way he could call Sam. 

There was always the option of calling Jo. Cas hadn’t spoken to her since he left home back in March, which he didn’t mean to happen, but, life got in the way. He couldn’t call Jo in his current state, but, he knew that no matter when he called, he was in for an earful. Jo demanded weekly calls and Cas didn’t deliver. She was probably pissed.

“Maybe I should just get it over with,” Cas said dully, not exactly making an effort to get up yet. Was it a good idea to call Jo? He had no idea what her take on the murder was, so the call could either go well or be a total disaster. 

Cas didn’t have much to lose, so, he slowly got up and went to get the phone. Anna glanced up the moment he opened his door. He silently grabbed the phone receiver, dialing Jo’s old number, hoping she still lived there, as he went back to his room, stretching the phone cord enough to close his door and sit against the wall. 

After two rings, the line picked up, “Harvelle residence,” it was Ellen, Jo’s mother.

“Hi, is Jo around?” Cas asked quietly, his voice raspy.

“Sure is,” Ellen sounded cheerful, “can I ask who’s calling?”

Cas swallowed hard, clearing his throat, “it’s Cas.”

Ellen was quiet for a moment, “I’ll get her,” she said, her tone changing completely. Was Ellen mad?

Cas almost hung up, but Jo’s voice came over the receiver, “Cas?”

“It’s me,” Cas whispered, waiting for Jo to explode at him.

“Holy shit,” Jo breathed, “I can’t believe it,” she sounded astonished, “it’s good to know that you’re still alive, seeing as you fell off the face of the planet for a while there, Cas.”

“Jo, I’m sorry,” Cas sighed, “things got a little crazy,” he heard Jo ‘mhm’ his apology and kept talking, mostly out of fear, “I wanted to call, but I didn’t call anyone. I needed to be alone, but, I discovered that alone isn’t what anyone needs,” he closed his eyes, feeling tears, yet again, “I swear I meant to-”

“Cas, I get it,” Jo said calmly, “you needed to get away. I don’t blame you for taking off,” she paused, “Cas, I’m sorry about Dean,” she added quietly, “I loved him too, you know.”

“Even though he murdered his father?” Cas noticed a head’s up penny on his floor and picked it up, turning it in his fingers before pocketing it. 

“I go for bad asses, so that sort of sealed the deal for me,” Jo laughed darkly, “Dean was a good guy, Cas,” she said, her tone serious, “he made some mistakes, but he always tried to do whatever it took to protect the one’s he loved, even if it meant dealing with his dad in the way he did.”

“This was my fault,” Cas mumbled, “Dean did everything because of me. He died because of me.”

“No,” Jo cut in, “don’t you dare blame yourself, Cas,” she snapped, “Dean died for you. There’s a huge difference. He died to protect you from the cops and all that media bullshit. This was his choice and nothing you could have said or done would have changed his mind,” she sighed, “Dean was so freaking stubborn.”

Cas’ lips quirked into somewhat of a smile, “the most stubborn person I’ve ever met,” he closed his eyes, “I miss him, Jo.”

“We should hold a service for him,” Jo suggested, “maybe we could do it up at that special spot he showed you.”

“They haven’t found a body,” Cas frowned.

“I know. It’s not a funeral,” Jo prodded, “we could all just say a few things about Dean. It would be nice.”

“I don’t know,” Cas wasn’t sure if he was ready for something like this. It was too much like saying goodbye.

“I’ll do all the planning,” Jo pleaded, “c’mon, Cas. Dean would want to be remembered, not mourned.”

“Jo, I can’t. Sorry, I have to go,” Cas got up and went to hang up the phone, ignoring whatever Jo was saying on the other line, as he put the receiver down. 

Anna smiled kindly at Cas, “everything okay?”

“Yeah,” Cas ran his fingers through his hair, “I had to call Jo.”

“Is she alright?” Anna asked, closing her book, “I haven’t seen her in a couple of weeks.”

“She wants to do a service for Dean,” Cas grimaced, still not sure if he was comfortable with the idea. 

“And you don’t want to,” Anna put her book on the side table, “is that about right?”

“Basically,” Cas shrugged, “I’m not ready...and Sam isn’t here...I just can’t go through saying goodbye...not yet,” he turned to escape to his room, but felt Anna’s hand on his shoulder.

“Cas, no one is ever ready to say goodbye like this,” Anna turned Cas to face her, “I know you’ve lost a lot of people you love, but being in denial won’t make this any easier. Dean is gone and it’s time to accept that and move on.”

Cas shook off Anna’s hand, “I know he’s dead,” he snapped, “I saw his blood on the gun. I read the note. I’d be stupid to think he was alive.”

“Cas, I didn’t mean-”

“Please, just leave me alone,” Cas stomped down the hall, shutting his door harder than he meant to.

How could Anna think that he was dumb enough to assume Dean was still alive? Cas accepted Dean’s death. He knew he would never see Dean again, and moving on meant living to see another day. As far as he was concerned, he was doing great. Anna was overreacting. 

Things were just fine.

Cas laid on his bed, staring at the ceiling for a long time. He didn’t possess the motivation to do anything else. It was easier to just lay here existing than it was to live life without Dean. If he didn’t let people in, he couldn’t lose them. He was sticking to the safe route from here on out. 

The sun was low in the sky, casting an orange glow into Cas’ room, when a familiar triple knock brought Cas back to reality. He knew it was Gabe before the door even opened.

“Cassy!” Gabe poked his head into the room, “Well, shit, you really are back.”

Cas sat up and looked out his window, “it would seem that way,” he really wasn’t in the mood to deal with Gabe. Or anyone else, for that matter.

Gabe walked into the room and pulled the desk chair up next to the bed, “you can blow off Anna, but you’re not gonna blow me off, baby bro.”

“What can I do for you, Gabe?” Cas forced a blatantly fake smile, “Do you want me to talk about how much murderous boyfriend killed himself?”

“Stop being such a bitch,” Gabe folded his arms, “I just came to offer my condolences.”

“I’m sure,” Cas rolled his eyes.

“I may not get all the rage about Dean, because he treated you like shit-”

“He didn’t treat me-”

“Let me finish,” Gabe scowled at Cas, “anyway,” his sincere tone returned, “because he treated you like shit,” he reiterated smugly, “but, you loved the guy and I’m genuinely sorry for your loss,” he half-smiled, “I’m here if you need anything.”

Cas raised an eyebrow, “are you finished?” he asked sarcastically.

Gabe smirked at Cas, “yes. Thank you.”

“Dean didn’t treat me like shit,” Cas said again, “how could you think that?”

“You’re kidding,” Gabe’s smirk faded into a look of pity, “Cassy, Dean made you keep your relationship on the down low because he was still dating Jo, and when you wanted him to choose, he left you,”he looked bewildered, “the guy murdered his father and dragged you into that mess,” he frowned, “then he friggin killed himself and left you again.”

“Dean can’t take the blame,” Cas argued, “we both did stupid things.”

Gabe sighed, “I’m not going to fight with you, Cas,” he got up, “I know you’re going to think what you want and it would be pointless to try changing your mind because I’m the same way and I know I wouldn’t back down if I was sticking up for Meg,” he put the chair back, helping himself to a cookie from the package Anna left, “let’s just leave it at, I’m sorry for your loss, okay?”

Cas nodded, secretly glad the fight didn’t escalate, “thank you, Gabe.”

“Anytime, bro,” Gabe’s smile returned, “now don’t waste too much time moping. Meg wants to cook for you when you’re feeling better.”

“You guys are still together?” Cas felt jealous of anyone in a happy relationship at this point. It wasn’t fair. 

Gabe glanced at Cas’ closed door before reaching into his pocket, retrieving a small box, “I’m gonna pop the question on Halloween,” he opened the box, revealing a diamond ring, “so, I’m going to need my baby brother. I think you’re the only one I’d trust to be my best man.”

Cas stared at the ring, “you’re getting married,” he whispered, feeling tears in his eyes, “that’s…” he trailed off, falling silent. Even though it wasn’t possible for him to get married because of his gender preference, he always dreamed about what his and Dean’s wedding would look like. 

“Shit, I’m sorry,” Gabe put the ring away, “you just lost Dean, I wasn’t thinking-”

“No,” Cas wiped his eyes, “I’m happy for you,” he smiled weakly, “I hope she says yes.”

“She know’s it’s coming,” Gabe chuckled, “the sneaky bitch found the receipt for the ring. That’s why I keep it on me at all times.”

“Congratulations in advance then,” Cas was a little bitter about such a happy event happening when he was so devastated. A wedding? Sure, he was glad his brother was getting his life together, but now Cas would have to force himself to be cheerful. Dean had shitting timing for clocking out. How the hell was Cas going to do this alone?

“Hey, man, look, I know it’s rough now, but hiding isn’t the answer,” Gabe opened the door, “alone isn’t how people get over stuff.”

“I’m fine, Gabe,” Cas insisted.

“You keep telling yourself that, kiddo,” Gabe smiled sadly, “but lying to yourself isn’t going to make it true,” he said bluntly, “I know you’re suffering and I get it. You have every reason to mourn Dean,” he looked concerned, “but, Cassy, I’m worried about you. We all are.”

“I appreciate the concern, but I need to deal with this in my own way,” Cas got off the bed and ushered Gabe out, “I promise I’ll ask for help if I need it.”

“As long as you promise,” Gabe stood outside Cas’ room.

“I promise,” Cas shut the door, leaning up against it. He sighed, sliding down to sit on the floor, “I’m fine,” he whispered, “I’m fine.”

***

Hours turned into days, which quickly turned into weeks. Cas had given up entirely. Things weren’t improving. The empty feeling had consumed him and he couldn’t remember a time he’d been this low. It was worse than any depression he’d ever dealt with. Even the death of his parents didn’t compare.

Cas hadn’t left the apartment in almost a week and it had been even longer since he’d bathed. Most of the time, he laid in bed, staring at the ceiling. Sometimes he got drunk on the cheap whiskey he’d begun stockpiling without Anna or Gabe’s knowledge, but mostly he thought about the past.

Thinking about the good times was all Cas had left. He didn’t want to forget about Dean. Each passing day the details of Dean’s face and sound of his voice became more vague. No matter how hard Cas tried to remember everything about Dean, the vivid memories were starting to fade.

It had been just over three weeks since Dean swan-dived off of the cliff. The media frenzy had died down a lot, especially since the search had been called off. No body had been found. Normally, something like this would have given Cas hope, but it only solidified the idea that Dean was rotting at the bottom of the ocean. At least the case wouldn’t go to trial. 

Cas had caught the end of a news broadcast a few days prior. The reporter was talking to Sam’s lawyer, and the lawyer said that the Winchester family wasn’t seeking a trial. Dean had literally gotten away with murder. Cas couldn’t believe it. 

If only Dean was here to celebrate.

The list of things Cas would do to have Dean back was endless. He knew it was impossible to bring the dead back to life, so he began pondering more solutions to his problem. Dean was dead and wasn’t coming back, but Dean promised everything would be okay in the end. The end must have meant the afterlife.

Cas’ eyes flickered to the closet. He wondered if Anna or Gabe had found his stash of razorblades. They were still there as of a week ago, when Anna discovered the small cuts on Cas’ arms. Cas couldn’t remember a lot of that night because he went to the liquor store. Anna probably raided his room while he was out. 

It wasn’t a big deal. Cas only used the razor blades because he needed to feel something other than crippling depression. When it didn’t work, he put them away. But, Anna freaked out and called Gabe, which was a fiasco. Cas ultimately walked out and spent the night drinking cheap scotch at the special spot Dean had taken him all those months ago. 

Looking down at the lights of the houses, Cas had nearly forgotten how beautiful it was. However, without Dean there, it was just a stupid hill with a view. Since that night, Cas stayed home. His bed was the only place he wanted to be.

A soft knock on the door brought Cas back to the present, “Cas, I’m heading out on my date,” Anna poked her head into the room, “I left you some mashed potatoes in the fridge.”

Cas slowly sat up, “another date?” he asked, stretching before getting out of bed.

“Problem?” Anna raised an eyebrow. 

“Nope,” Cas brushed past Anna, “have fun with mystery man.”

“Cas, I don’t want to sound insensitive or anything,” Anna followed Cas into the kitchen, “but, you smell like shit,” she was frowning, “I bet you’d feel like a new person if you took a shower.”

Cas scowled at Anna, despite the fact that she was right. He looked and felt like a grease ball, “I’ll shower if you tell me who your new boyfriend is,” he opened the fridge and grabbed the bowl of potatoes, “do I know him?”

“Just trust that he’d good to me,” Anna smiled at Cas, “now go take a shower. I’ll be home later,” she grabbed her coat off the back of the chair, “don’t wait up.”

Cas waited for the door to close before darting over to look out the window. It was too dark to see much, but Anna was getting into a van. He squinted, but couldn’t make out the driver. 

Once the van drove off, Cas went back to his bowl of potatoes. They were cold, but that didn’t stop him from eating his fill. At least he could eat now. For a while he tried starving himself, but that didn’t work out with Anna. She threatened to take Cas to the hospital, so he gave up on that plan.

Now, Cas just existed. He woke up in the morning and went through the motions, but he wasn’t living. His body was just a shell on autopilot. Even on the rare occasions where he talked to people, he was just saying the bare minimum. The Cas everyone knew was long gone.

After a few last bites of his dinner, Cas decided to shower. Not because Anna called him out on being disgusting, but because he had to go to the liquor store. He was running low on whiskey and tonight he planned to drink until he forgot that exactly three weeks had passed since Dean’s death. 

Showered, shaved and decidedly cleaner than he’d been in days, Cas left the bathroom. Voices were coming from the kitchen- probably Gabe and Meg. He tried to sneak to his room, but as he grabbed the doorknob, Meg startled him.

“Hey there, stranger,” Meg walked over to Cas, “it’s been a while.”

Cas avoided eye contact, “I haven’t been very social lately,” he said quietly.

“No shit,” Meg snorted, “you’ve been back for three weeks and I haven’t seen you once.”

Cas glanced at Meg, “I’ve been a little depressed,” he mumbled, his hand resting on the doorknob.

“I know,” Meg handed an envelope to Cas, “which is why I made you a condolence card.”

“Oh,” Cas looked at the envelope, “thanks.”

“Are you even going to open it?” Meg asked impatiently.

Cas carefully ripped the envelope open and pulled out, what looked like an index card, The word ‘condolence’ was written across the front of it. Meg had literally made him a condolence card. Cas burst out laughing before he could stop himself.

“I fucking told you he’d laugh, Gabe,” Meg yelled down the hall.

Cas wiped a tear from his eye, still chuckling as Gabe joined them. He looked shocked to see a genuine smile on Cas’ face. 

“Holy shit, he’s actually laughing,” Gabe put his arm around Meg, “I can’t believe he’d actually fucking laughing.”

Cas inhaled slowly, composing himself, “that caught me off guard,” he touched Meg’s shoulder, “thanks for that.”

“Anytime, dude,” Meg winked at Cas, “we have a present too!”

“Really?” Cas cocked his head to the side, “why?”

“Because you’re starting to make us feel depressed, Cassy,” Gabe kissed Meg’s cheek before she went to get the gift, “it’s time to start getting your shit together,” he lowered his voice, “I’m popping the question to Meg on Friday. I need you, Cas.”

“What about Friday?” Meg asked, returning with a neatly wrapped box, “I thought we were going to the Halloween showing of Rocky Horror as Riff Raff and Magenta.”

“We sure are, babe,” Gabe didn’t miss a beat, “I just need Cassy’s help with my makeup before I pick you up.”

Cas nodded, “I’ll help Gabe,” he smiled weakly, “I...actually feel a little better for some reason,” he couldn’t explain the sudden shift of emotions. He was still depressed, there was no denying that, but laughing at that silly card really improved his mood.

“Here, this might cheer you up even more, bud,” Meg handed the box to Cas, “we meant to give it to you sooner, but you kind of pulled a Houdini for like six months.”

“Sorry about that,” Cas said sheepishly, pulling the paper off the box, before opening it. His mouth fell open, “is this a yearbook?”

“You bet, kiddo,” Gabe grinned at Cas, “I thought you’d want to see the picture of you and Dean in it,” he took the book and flipped through it, “there’s a good one of you guys with Jo and Sam in here somewhere,” he stopped on a page, giving the book to Cas, “here’s one of you and Dean-o at Homecoming.”

Cas stared at the picture. He didn’t know there was a picture of him with Dean, but there it was. They were at the Homecoming game; it was right after the Heaven Hills High Angels won. Dean had practically tackled Cas and the moment had apparently been caught on film. He didn’t know what to think. A lump a rising in his throat and he needed to escape.

“You look pale, bro,” Gabe sounded concerned, “was the yearbook too much? I should have waited-”

“No, it’s fine,” Cas looked at Gabe, “I really appreciate this,” he gently closed the book, “thank you both.”

“No problem, kid,” Meg punched Cas’ arm, “you gonna be okay?”

“I’m good,” Cas nodded, “I’m just going to look through this, if that’s alright.”

“We’re leaving anyway,” Gabe squeezed Cas’ shoulder, “but, if you need me, we’ll be at the diner.”

“Have fun,” Cas offered a quick smile before ducking into his room.

Cas locked his door before taking the yearbook over to his bed. He took his time flipping through the pages, catching himself smiling as he found a picture of the gang at their old lunch table. Everyone was smiling. Hell, Cas was sure he may have even been laughing in the candid. Sam looked like he was telling a story, Jo was grinning while Dean was clearly smirking suggestively at Cas. 

It made Cas miss how things used to be. So much had changed since this picture had been taken...but something in the back of his mind was urging him not to give up. The really odd thing was that he wanted to listen to the advice. 

Maybe things would work out. Cas promised Dean that he wouldn’t give up, so, it was the least he could do. Something about seeing pictures of the good times made Cas realized that even though people come and go, the memories will always remain. Dean may have been dead, but at least there were silly pictures and memories to look back on. For the first time since that night in Maine, he could feel hope returning.

Perhaps it was possible to be happy again. This couldn’t be the end, it was too soon. There had to be happiness out there somewhere. The pay to happiness may have been hidden right now, but if had to be there. Hidden paths are a pain in the ass, but in the end are always the most rewarding. Cas smiled at the revelation. He could get through this. He had to. For Dean.

***

Over the next week, Cas became more sociable and felt a lot better with each passing day. He wasn’t at peak happiness, but he had his feeling of sadness in check. It was hard to get up everyday, but he did it for Dean. There was no way Dean would approve of Cas becoming a mental case.

Cas wouldn’t let himself lose control. Not after everything his mother went through after his dad died. He couldn’t make Anna and Gabe go through that again. Cas refused to break up their tiny family.

Each day, Cas found himself more and more like the person he used to be. The one month mark was hard to cope with, but Gabe kept Cas distracted. Gabe planned to propose to Meg after the performance of Rocky Horror, and had been a nervous wreck. Cas was glad when his older brother finally left for the date.

Cas had been offering moral support all day and he was exhausted. Alone time was just what he needed. Anna had left for her own date with that mystery guy, so he had the apartment to himself for a while. He decided to shower and make a cup of tea, before settling down on the couch.

It was nearing nine at night, so Cas didn’t bother turning on the television. He sat quietly, sipping his tea, listening for the mystery guy’s van. Tonight he was going to figure out who Anna had been secretly seeing. The curiosity was killing him and the closer to nine-thirty it got, the more impatient he grew.

Cas hummed softly to himself as he tried to distract himself with a magazine on the side table. It was about knitting, so it must have been Anna’s. Cas hated knitting. He tried it a few times, but lacked the patience. That didn’t stop him from appreciating sweaters. He never turned down a homemade sweater. 

A knock on the door made Cas jump. Had he really been that absorbed in a knitting magazine? He chuckled to himself, looking up as another knock came.

“Who the heck could that be?” Cas whispered, noticing it was almost ten o’clock. Maybe Anna got locked out. He got up, stretching, tea cup in hand, as he moseyed over to the door, “hold on, I’m coming,” he said, loud enough for whoever was at the door to hear. Cas glanced in the mirror for a second before unlocking and opening the door, revealing the person who had been knocking. His jaw dropped as the guest spoke.

“Hey, Cas…”


	18. The Best Vacation Ever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean is stuck in a cabin in the middle of Maine with Charlie and Hannah for a month. The plan went off without a hitch, but he still has to get through the month before he can see Cas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought I'd go ahead and post this chapter before the season finale of Supernatural, because I'll be in no condition to write for about a week after the episode airs, I'm sure. 
> 
> ANYHOO.
> 
> Thanks so much for reading, commenting, leaving kudos, subscribing and even in some cases, recommending my fics to people. 
> 
> I seriously love you, readers. <3

“Oh my god, you actually pulled it off,” Charlie mused, getting out of Hannah’s car. She jogged over to Dean, lunging at him, “give me a hug, you butthead.”

Dean returned the hug, “good to see you again,” he ruffled her hair, “how was the trip out here?”

“Long,” Hannah yawned, joining them, “I’m exhausted,” she smiled tiredly at Dean, “I would stay and chat, but I need to sleep. I’m glad you got here okay, Dean.”

“Thanks, Hannah,” Dean helped with the luggage, following her into the cottage, Charlie close in tow, “I really appreciate you guys helping me out.”

“Not a problem,” Hannah put her suitcase down, “but, if I get woken up before eight tomorrow, there will definitely be a problem.”

“Don’t worry, babe. We’ll go down to the dock so you can sleep,” Charlie pulled Hannah close and kissed the tip of her nose, “I love you.”

“You’re getting drunk tonight, aren’t you?” Hannah raised an eyebrow.

“I’ve been stuck in a car for fourteen hours today. Yes, I’m getting drunk,” Charlie grinned, “I promise I’ll only wake you up if there’s an emergency.” 

“Being horny doesn’t constitute and emergency,” Hannah said sternly.

“You say that now,” Charlie let go of Hannah, “but you haven’t complained about my tongue-”

“Dean is right there, Charlie,” Hannah’s cheeks flushed red, “I’m going to bed,” she disappeared into the unused bedroom, leaving Dean and Charlie alone.

“Beer?” Charlie asked, holding up a large paper bag.

“Hell yeah,” Dean took a beer and headed outside with Charlie, “nice place you got here,” he said as they walked down to the water.

“I grew up in this house,” Charlie stepped onto the dock, “now my parents only use it as a vacation home.”

“I like it here,” Dean followed Charlie to the end of the dock, taking a set so he could dip his feet in the water.

Charlie pulled off her shoes and joined Dean, kicking some water at him, “so, are you going to tell me everything or am I going ot have to push you in?” she took a pull off her beer, “Because I’ll push you in, don’t think I won’t.”

“The plan went off without a hitch,” Dean stared at the ripples from their feet, “Cas is apparently a disaster, but at least he’s in the clear,” he glanced at Charlie, “Ash borrowed your van to go to Heaven Hills and keep an eye on Cas.”

“And what about you?” Charlie nudged Dean, “You okay?”

“I’m fine,” Dean said automatically, “I mean, considering everything, I’m okay.”

“Don’t lie,” Charlie scowled at Dean, “you just faked your own death to your boyfriend, Don’t you dare tell me that everything is peachy keen,” she finished her beer and opened a second, “you can’t just bottle up everything. I know you don’t have many people to talk to right now, but I promise I’m a good listener.”

Dean shrugged, “there’s not much to say,” he sighed, “it’s a shitty situation, but, hopefully it’ll get better,” he added, taking a long swig of his beer.

“You don’t look like you believe that things will get better,” Charlie folded her arms, “I can tell you’re worried.”

Dean swirled his feet around the water, “you know, I’m only really worried about one thing. To be honest, I’m okay with most of what happened.”

Charlie looked confused, “could you elaborate? Maybe I can help.”

Dean trusted Charlie, but he was positive that no one could say anything to help. He shook his head, “unless you can change the fact that there’s a huge chance that Cas won’t forgive me, I don’t think you can’t help.”

“You’re afraid that this whole plan was a mistake,” Charlie smiled, looking sympathetic, “you think Cas is going to dump you and that’s what you’re brooding about. Did I miss something?”

“Nope, that’s about right,” Dean felt himself blush. His biggest fear was losing Cas, but the way Charlie worded it made him feel idiotic. Was he over thinking everything?

“Hm, well, I guess I can’t blame you for worrying,” Charlie finished her second beer, “all I can tell you is that if Cas freaks, which he probably will, just give him some space and let him cool off,” she reached into the bag and helped herself to a third beer, “Cas’ll forgive you, so stop worrying so much.”

Dean hoped Charlie was right, “I can’t help it. I always worry about Cas.”

“And that’s how you got into this whole mess,” Charlie said bluntly, “which is why you should focus on how you’re going to live once you come back from the dead,” she elbowed Dean, “you know you’re gonna need a totally new identity and everything.”

Dean hadn’t thought about the details of his future, only the part where they were together. He finished his beer in one go, belching before glancing at Charlie, “everything?”

Charlie handed Dean another beer, “yeah. That’s what I said,” she raised an eyebrow, “new name, fake ID and you’re going to have to somehow change up your look,” she smirked at him, “I bet you’d rock a beard and ponytail.”

“A beard, maybe. But, I’m gonna have to go with a hell no on the ponytail,” Dean laughed, feeling the beers going to his head, “I could dye my hair,” he suggested, “or get a wig.”

“Let Hannah play hair dressed tomorrow,” Charlie grinned at Dean, “she cuts my hair, so, I’m sure she could make you look like a new man,” she touched the scruff on his cheek, “although, you don’t look much like the picture they’re using in the papers. When’s the last time you even bathed, Dean?”

“I couldn’t tell you,” Dean admitted sheepishly, running his fingers through his greasy, unkempt hair, “I’m disgusting, I know.”

Charlie snorted, “you’re a man. All men are disgusting, Dean,” she took a sip of beer, “although, I might be biased because I’m into the ladies.”

“I don’t blame you for digging chicks. Dudes really are disgusting,” Dean chuckled, “Cas and I just got used to being filthy.”

“That’s adorable,” Charlie pinched Dean’s cheek, clearly intoxicated at this point, “if you guys can love each other stinky, you can love each other after this.”

“And we were pretty rank, let me tell you,” Dean swirled his beer, taking a pull, “let’s hope Cas can love me as someone other than Dean Winchester.”

“Got any names in mind?” Charlie asked, “Because you’re definitely cool enough to be a Dean Martin.”

“You know, I like that,” Dean offered his hand to Charlie, “Dean Martin, nice to meet you, miss.”

“You’re drunk, Dean-o,” Charlie shook his hand, giggling, “drunk, drunk, drunk.”

Dean finished his beer, “your cheeks match your hair, Red,” he winked at Charlie, “I’m sure I’m not the only one who has had some drinks.”

“I’m not drunk. I haven’t gone to pester Hannah yet,” Charlie grinned, “but, give me about two more of these bad boys and she’ll be getting a pleasant awakening.”

“And I’m sure the walls are thin enough where I’ll hear everything, right?” Dean laughed, “Lesbians and a lake. This is the best vacation ever.”

Charlie got up, “let’s just say you’re in for a noisy night, Mr Martin,” she said smugly, before chugging the near-full beer she’d opened a few minutes prior. When she was finished, she burped daintily, “excuse me,” she grabbed the last beer, “I’m going to have to run to the booze barn tomorrow.”

“This place must have liquor stashed somewhere,” Dean slowly got up, feeling the three or four beers he’d just had, “or something to keep us nice and fucked up for a few weeks.”

“Easy, Dean. You don’t want to look gross in your ID picture tomorrow,” Charlie cracked the beer, “I have a shit load of weed, but maybe we can take it easy until we finish your new identity? I mean, I’ll handle most of the work, but some of this is gonna take teamwork,” she was rambling drunkenly, slurring her words as they headed back to the house, “basically you just need to do what I tell you and don’t ask questions.”

Dean agreed to Charlie’s terms and they made their way to the porch. The sun was starting to set and the temperature was dropping. It was going to be a chilly night and he hoped Cas was safe and warm.

Wherever Cas was.

There was no way of knowing where Cas was. Ash said Cas was heading to Heaven Hills, but what if Cas changed his mind and went somewhere else? Then what would Dean do? 

Inside the house, Charlie snuck off to the room where Hannah was sleeping, leaving Dean alone in the living room. He took a seat on the chair facing the window that overlooked part of the lake. It had only been a day, and not even a full twenty-four hours. Time was moving so slowly and the only thing Dean could do was hunker down and wait for this shitstorm to pass.

***

Over the next few days, Dean kept himself busy, so he didn’t have time to worry too much about Cas. He knew he was depressed, but he didn’t let it show. There was too much to plan. That and Dean was far too stubborn to let his true feelings show. 

Aside from the fake identity, which Charlie was taking care of, Dean had to decide who to tell about the fake suicide thing, as well as how to tell them. On top of all that, he also had to somehow manage to stay out of prison. It was stressful.

Dean was planning to tell only a few people. Cas, Sam and his mom, mostly. But, if he told them, it would mean Anna, Gabe, Jo and his mom’s girlfriend, Muriel would know he was alive as well. He was wary about too many people discovering his secret. The more people that knew he was alive added an unnecessary risk of getting caught by the police. It was a crappy situation, but Dean continuously told himself that this would be alright. 

After a week, Dean was irritable at best. Ash still hadn’t called and the cottage was running dangerously low on whiskey. Charlie and Hannah had gone food shopping, so Dean took a shower and made himself comfortable in front of the TV.

News about Dean’s suicide had lessened since day one, but the news anchors were still milking the story for all it was worth. He gave it another week or two before they moved on, maybe sooner. The faster people stopped caring about the story, the faster Dean could go back to Cas. Charlie told Dean one month, but he was impatient. This was taking too long.

Just as Dean went to dib into the last of the liquor, the phone rang. He perked up. Maybe it was Ash. Without thinking, he picked it up, “hello?”

“Risky to answer the phone, dude,”” Ash’s voice came through the receiver, making Dean grin. 

“Took you long enough to call,” Dean complained jokingly, “can I get an update, man?”

“Hi, Dean. I’m doing great, thanks for asking,” Ash said sarcastically, “and, sorry for taking so long to call. I got a little distracted here.”

“Where?” Dean inquired, feeling a twinge of nervousness in the pit of his stomach.

“Heaven Hills, duh,” Ash laughed, “calm down, man. Things are under control.”

Dean relaxed a little, “did you find Cas?”

“Better. I found his sister,” Ash said excitedly, “and she had no idea that you’re alive.”

“Anna?” Dean asked, surprised, “How’d you meet Anna?”

“I went to the diner in town the day I got here,” Ash chuckled, “I had no idea she was Cas’ sister when I turned on the charm.”

“Wait, you’re dating Anna?” Dean pinched the bridge of his nose, “You’re spying on Cas through Anna, who has no idea about any of this? You realize how badly this could play out, right?”

“Come on, Dean. Anna’s gorgeous. Can you blame me for wanting to get to know her?” Ash sighed, “Sorry, dude. I didn’t mean to complicate things. Anna and I just kinda hit it off, y’know?”

“Does Cas know you’re dating his sister?” Dean was beginning to wish Ash hadn’t called at all.

“Anna knows that Cas and I know one another, which is why she hadn’t told him about me,” Ash explained, “I told her I made a promise to make sure Cas was okay and she was happy to keep me posted.” 

“Well, are you going to tell me how Cas is, or did you call to tell me you want to bang his sister?” Dean was getting frustrated. This isn’t how it was supposed to go.

Ash was quiet for a few moments, “he’s not great, but he’s in good hands here. Anna loves her little bro. I can see it when she talks about him.”

Dean leaned against the counter, “so, you and Anna,” he frowned, “I didn’t see that coming,” he needed to change the subject. After hearing that Cas was just as bad as he suspected, he needed something else to talk about.

“Anna’s amazing,” Ash said quietly, “I’ve met a lot of women in my travels, but Anna’s special.”

Dean finally smiled, “I think all the Novak’s have that in common,” he mused, totally understanding what Ash meant. Dean felt the same way about Cas. Awesomeness must be in the Novak’s DNA; Dean was positive the A in DNA stood for awesomeness in Cas’ family.

“I guess I get why you’re so crazy about Cas now,” Ash paused, “but, he’s a mess, Dean.”

“I’m gonna fix it, man,” Dean insisted, more or less to convince himself, “just keep me posted. If anything happens, I’m going to Heaven Hills.”

“You got it, dude,” Ash said confidently, “I have a date tonight, so, I’ll have to let you go, but I’ll call in a couple of days to check in.”

Dean glanced up as the front door opened and the girls returned from the store, “sounds good, I’ll be here,” he hung up after a quick goodbye.

There was nothing Dean wanted more than to go home to Heaven Hills at this point. He trusted Ash to keep an eye on things, but Dean was worried about Cas even more than he was before. The phone call didn’t make him feel any better. If anything, he felt worse. 

Dean promised he’d wait a month, which meant three more weeks of this stress. Technically he was leaving Maine in two weeks, but he was going to have to tag along on Charlie and Hannah’s ‘Cross Country Camping Bonanza’ for a week. At least he had a ride home. Things would be alright. Everything would be fine. He could handle three weeks.

***

To say the following two weeks passed slowly was an understatement of epic proportions. There were no words to accurately describe how ever second dragged by like an eternity. Dean was getting more and more impatient, which made him irritable and borderline hostile. Cas needed him and he was stuck in fucking Maine.

It didn’t help that none of Ash’s phone calls involved good news, Cas was only getting worse, and even though Ash never went into details, Dean could hear it in Ash’s voice that he was worried. Dean wanted this whole, stupid ordeal to be over. 

The night before leaving Maine, Ah called to finalize plans. Dean had spent a lot of time thinking about how to delicately approach the situation. With Charlie’s help, Dean and Ash decided that they would meet up in Heaven Hills before dropping the fake suicide bomb on Cas. 

Ash had been staying in the work shed behind the diner, thanks to Anna pulling a few strings with her boss. Dean knew exactly where the shed was and assured Ash that he’d stop there when he got to Heaven Hills. They could fine tune the plan from there, but for now, things were finally coming together.

This ridiculous plan may just work out exactly how it was meant to.

Dean felt cautiously optimistic and that improved his mood. In a way, he was excited for a road trip with Charlie and Hannah. He’d grown very fond of them over the past few weeks and would be say when they went their separate ways, but he had every intention of keeping in touch. Cas would love those delightful lesbians; Dean sure did.

The morning the road trip was set to start, Dean watched the news to make sure he was still in the clear. It had been well over a week since he’d been mentioned on the news. He was glad people were finally forgetting him, but hoped Cas hadn’t forgotten. 

Cas wouldn’t forget. He couldn’t.

After no mention of his name on the news, Dean shut the TV off and helped Charlie load up Hannah’s car with supplies for the adventure. He wasn’t too concerned about being recognized anymore. Since arriving, he’d begun growing a beard and dyed his hair black. He looked nothing like the pictures the newspapers and such were using anymore, but never let his guard down.

Dean couldn’t get careless. If he managed to get caught now, he would deserve everything he got. But, that wasn’t going to happen. He knew he’d be seeing Cas in a matter of days and that kept him going.

The Cross Country Camping Bonanza was shockingly uneventful. Dean was always vigilant, but it was nothing but smooth sailing. Given his track record for terrible things happening, he was completely weirded out that nothing bad had happened all work. It was kind of unnerving, actually.

Hell, it had been a pretty damn good week and Dean was almost sad that it was nearly over. Tomorrow he’d be back in Heaven Hills and decided that he was getting wasted drunk tonight. One last shebang before he rose from the dead.

“I can’t believe how fast this month flew by,” Charlie said after a few shots of whiskey, “you must be excited to see Cas, Dean.”

Dean was drunker than he’d been in months, but it was a good thing. He was actually cheerful, even with the possibility of Cas freaking out, “yeah,” he smiled at Charlie, “I hope he’s as excited when I see him tomorrow.”

Charlie poked at the fire, “if he’s not, just opt for Plan F,” she smirked at Dean.

“Plan F?” Dean raised an eyebrow, “What the hell is Plan F?”

“Felatio!” Charlie practically yelled before bursting into a fit of giggles.

“Oh, dear lord,” Hannah looked mortified, taking a long sip from her bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Dean was glad it was dark because he was blushing and nearly choked on his beer, “Charlie, what the-”

“Don’t argue,” Charlie pinched Dean’s cheek, “you’re gonna give Cas a surprise blow J and live happily ever after.”

“I don’t think it works that way,” Dean chuckled, his cheeks on fire.

“Imagine if it did though,” Charlie mused, pouring herself another glass of whiskey, “no world war, only surprise oral.”

“I think you’ve had enough to drink,” Hannah took the bottle from Charlie, who whined drunkenly, “stop being a brat. You’re wasted.”

“Says the lush who guzzled down a bottle of wine like it was a damn juice box,” Charlie folded her arms.

“Hey,” Dean cut in, “let’s not fight tonight. It’s my last night with you guys,” he half-smiled, “we should be happy that this shit is almost done with.”

“You know, if you would have asked me if I would help someone get away with murder six months ago, I would have said no,” Hannah helped herself to the whiskey she’d just taken from Charlie, “what an adventure it’s been.”

“Hell yeah,” Charlie nudged Dean, “who would have thought we’d be sitting here with a murderer, helping him reunite with his boyfriend,” she sighed happily, “it’s beautiful.”

“In a dark sort of way,” Hannah snorted, looking at Dean, “but, I do hope things work out for you, Dean.”

“Me too,” Dean smiled at the girls, “I really appreciate everything you guys did for me.”

“Anything for gay love,” Charlie punched Dean playfully, “you go have that happy ending with Cas.”

“I think I will,” Dean was ready. Tomorrow he’d finally see Cas and all would be right in the world. Sure, Cas could totally lose his shit, but he’d understand eventually why Dean had to do what he did. Everything would work out and Dean couldn’t wait.

***

The following morning, Dean woke to the smell of dirt and a hangover he definitely deserved. Despite his pounding migraine, he was raring to go. Today was the day. He didn’t waste any time waking Charlie and Hannah, so they could hit the road.

For the most part, the remainder of the drive was spent without conversation. Dean was focused on the plan. He thought about everything he wanted to say to Cas. There were no words to fully apologize for what he did, and it was starting to stress him out.

After a long eight hours, the trio passed the familiar ‘Welcome to Heaven Hills’ signs. This was it. The end of a long fucking journey. All roads led here, where it all began.

It was just after six at night when Hannah pulled into the parking lot of the diner. Charlie’s van was parked a few spots over, and she promptly got out of the car to check it out, dragging Hannah with her. Dean took a moment to himself before joining the girls.

“Holy shit,” Ash’s voice came behind them, “you actually fucking made it,” he wrapped Charlie and Hannah into a bear hug, “I owe you two for helping.”

“Don’t thank us yet. I’m taking my van,” Charlie smirked at Ash, holding out her hand, “keys, please.”

Ash laughed, handing her the keys, “mind if I borrow the car then? I was going to head out to Seattle after all this.”

Hannah tossed Ash her keys, “if you put one scratch on her, you’re in big trouble, Ash,” she said sternly.

“I’ll treat your car better than I would a human baby,” Ash winked, “now, you two get going before someone sees this crazy motherfucker,” Ash nodded at Dean, “I’ll call you ladies when I’m in Seattle.”

“Roger that,” Charlie turned to Dean, “I guess this is goodbye,” she looked sad.

“Not goodbye,” Dean pulled her into a hug, “I’ll see you around, okay?”

Charlie squeezed Dean, “you and Cas are always welcome in Seattle,” she smiled at him, “stay out of trouble.”

“I second that. If I see anything on the news about you getting caught, I’ll personally go to your jail and slap you,” Hannah gave Dean a side-hug, “so, behave. We risked a lot to help.”

“And I’m grateful for that,” Dean returned Hannah’s hug, “I promise I’ll call and let you guys know what happens here.”

After a final round of farewells and helping to put the girls’ luggage in the van, Dean and Ash watched Charlie and Hannah drive off down the road. When the van was out of view, Ash nudged Dean, “let’s go inside before someone sees you,” he said, turning and heading toward the shed.

“This is quite the set up,” Dean said as Ash closed the shed doors, “very rustic.”

“It’s a palace compared to some places I’ve squatted in,” Ash turned on a light and offered Dean a seat, before sitting down on his makeshift bed, “so. What’s the plan, Dean?”

Dean sat down, “I guess I’ll just go over to Cas’ apartment and hope for the best,” he shrugged, “not much else I can do.”

“You suck at plans,” Ash chuckled, “thankfully, I knew this and came up with one.”

“What is it?” Dean asked, interested.

“You’re going to get Cas alone, so you won’t need to worry about being interrupted for the initial shock of telling him that you’re alive,” Ash explained, “I’m taking Anna out for a drink and she has no idea that you’re here. Gabe’s at Meg’s apartment for the night,” he smiled suddenly, “something about kung-fu movies and sex, according to Anna.”

Dean laughed, “that definitely sounds like Gabe.” 

“Anyway, I’m going to have Anna home at quarter of ten, so you’re going to knock on the door about ten minutes before that,” Ash poured himself some water, handing a cup to Dean.

Dean took the water, “I only get ten minutes,” he frowned, “why?”

Ash avoided eye contact, looking as if he was hiding something, “trust me, dude. You’re going to want someone there if Cas goes postal.”

“What do you mean?” Dean demanded, “Is there something wrong with Cas?”

Ash shook his head, sighing, “nope.”

“Why are you acting so weird then?” Dean folded his arms, “I know you’re not telling me something, man.”

“Cas is moving on,” Ash blurted out, “about a week ago he started getting better. He’s doing great, I guess. Anna said Cas is starting to act like his old self.”

The news wasn’t what Dean had expected. He was starting to have second thoughts about coming back from the dead. Maybe Cas would be better off thinking Dean was dead. Dean shook off the negative thought, “I can’t wait to see him,” he said after a tense silence.

“You sure about this, man?” Ash asked quietly, almost shy, “Cas might snap if you show up.”

“It’ll be okay,” Dean said stubbornly, “I just need to tell Cas why I did what I did,” he glanced at Ash, “he’ll understand...he has to.”

Ash nodded, “well, dude, I hope it works out,” he got up and squeezed Dean’s shoulder, “don’t forget. Nine thirty-five,” he grabbed his coat, “you’re welcome to hang out here before you head over, but I’m heading out now.”

“Have fun with Anna,” Dean made himself comfortable when Ash left.

It was just about nine when Dean decided to start walking over to Cas’ apartment. He took the rural route, as to avoid running into people on Main St. The last thing he needed was to be recognized minutes before he saw Cas.

The moment Dean caught sight of the apartment building, his heart began to race. He was getting nervous. What if Ash was right? What if Cas flipped out? What would he do then?

Dean pulled out the pocket watch that he borrowed from the shed. It was nine twenty-seven. He had eight minutes to pull himself together. There was a light on in the window Dean knew was the living room. Cas was inside there right now and had no idea that Dean was just across the street. The thought made Dean shiver.

After a few minutes of debating on what to do, Dean finally crossed the street and slipped inside the building as a set of headlights approached. Nine thirty-three. Two more minutes.

Dean walked as quietly as he could to the door, stopping to collect himself. He inhaled slowly, trying to relax, silently counting down the seconds. The moment was here. He’d been planning for weeks and it all came down to this. Exhaling softly, he knocked on the door, ignoring the fact that his hands were trembling.

There was no answer. Was Cas in there?

Frowning, Dean knocked again, a bit louder. This time, a familiar voice came from inside the apartment. It was Cas.

“Hold on, I’m coming.”

Dean froze when the door slowly opened, revealing Cas, whose jaw dropped instantly.

“...hey, Cas,” Dean whispered, bracing himself for whatever reaction Cas was going to have.


	19. Speed Bumps and Unexpected Reunions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean finally reveals to Cas that he's alive, which doesn't exactly go as planned, so he decides to go to pay Sam a visit in Sacramento. Meanwhile, Cas has an unexpected adventure of his own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading this series, and all of my other fics. You guys are intense and I love it. I look forward to posting the last few chapters. I hope you guys are enjoying part 3! I can't believe it's almost at 1000 hits!! I never expected this series to get a mini following the way it has. It means a lot that this wasn't a massive waste of time! :)
> 
> Keep commenting, leaving kudos and subscribing! I have loads more fics planned for the future AND I hope to finish a couple that I started and sort of abandoned because of this series. Definitely subscribe because I'm on a roll! :)

Dean stood, unmoving in the hallway, waiting for Cas to make the first move. His pulse was pounding in his ears and Cas staring, open-mouthed, at him didn’t help his anxiety, which was skyrocketing with every passing second Cas didn’t speak. The most unnerving thing about the whole scenario was that Cas didn’t look very happy to see Dean.

Actually, Cas looked kind of angry. 

“I guess I should probably explain why I’m still alive,” Dean said after a solid two minutes of silence, “Cas, I’m-”

“No,” Cas said finally. His tone was low, almost dangerous. He didn’t break eye contact, “I don’t want to hear it.”

Dean took a step inside, “Cas, please-”

“Stop,” Cas snapped, “just, stop,” he was clutching his mug tightly; Dean could see the whites of his knuckles.

“Okay,” Dean held up his hands in defeat, “I’ll stay right here. Just let me explain-”

“Why you fucking lied to me? Is that it?” Cas glared at Dean, his voice harsh, “Or, do you want to explain why you made me think you were dead for a month?” he was yelling at this point, “A month, Dean!”

“Cas, I’m sorry,” Dean said quickly, “I had to do-”

“Shut up,” Cas whipped the mug in Dean’s direction. It hit the door frame and shattered, “I thought you were dead!” his voice cracked, “I was finally getting over you and you show up again! What the hell, Dean!”

“Cas, I’m begging you to let me explain,” Dean pleaded, taking a step toward Cas, careful not to step on the broken mug.

“No explanation can justify what you did to me,” Cas was shaking, his fists clenched, “you lied to my face, tricked me and left me alone,” he said coldly, closing his eyes, “leave. Now.”

Dean flinched at Cas’ demand, “Cas,” he whispered, slowly reaching out to touch Cas’ arm, “I love you, please don’t make me leave.”

Cas slapped Dean’s hand away and rounded on him, “if you loved me you wouldn’t have put me through that,” he shoved Dean, “if you loved me, you would have at least let me try to be happy!”

Dean wasn’t going to fight Cas. If that meant getting hit, so be it, “calm down, Cas,” he said gruffly, earning a bewildered look from Cas.

“Calm down, he says,” Cas yelled, dramatically throwing his hands up in the air, “he fakes his own death and tells me to calm down!”

“Cas-”

“If you don’t stop talking right now, I’m going to lose it,” Cas warned, “just leave me alone, Dean.”

“Everything I did, I did for you,” Dean grabbed Cas’ wrists, “I need you, Cas. Just let me-”

“Fuck you,” Cas broke free from Dean’s grip, swinging madly until his fist connected with Dean’s cheek, “just leave me the hell alone!” he cried, as footsteps and voices came down the hall. Most likely Anna or Gabe. Or both. Cas wasn’t exactly whispering, it could have been anyone.

“Cas, please-”

“Get out!” Cas threw another punch, which hit Dean in the shoulder, “Leave!”

Dean held his throbbing cheek, feeling tears in his eyes, “Cas,” he groaned, inhaling sharply as a third punch hit him in the stomach, causing him to double over in pain. 

Cas was screaming at Dean to leave at this point, but he couldn’t. He had to stay with Cas, even if Cas was trying to punch him. Dean refused to defend himself because he deserved this. Every single word and hit. He brought this on himself.

“Holy fuck,” Gabe’s voice was behind Dean, “Anna! Get in here!” he called down the hall, to Anna, who had impeccable timing thanks to Ash’s plan.

Cas continued yelling and trying to attack Dean, but Anna managed to pull Cas away, while Gabe dragged Dean outside. Dean stumbled down the front steps and collapsed on the ground. Just before the door to the building shut, he heard Cas holler one last thing:

“I HATE YOU.”

The words hit Dean like bullets to his heart. He curled up on his side, closing his eyes, “I’m sorry,” he coughed, tasting blood in his mouth. Cas had gotten a few good hits in and Dean knew he’d earned every one of them. This whole thing was a mistake. How could one person fuck up so much?

“What in the hell is wrong with you?” Gabe demanded, pulling Dean up to his feet, “What were you thinking, Dean?” he was visibly exasperated. 

Dean wiped his mouth on his sleeve, slowly looking at Gabe, who looked livid. He heard a door slam inside and knew Cas was furious. How could he have thought that this plan would work? Stupid, stupid, fucking stupid.

“Well?” Gabe’s voice brought Dean back to the present, “What the fuck were you thinking, dude?”

Sighing, Dean shook his head, “I wasn’t thinking,” he mumbled, turning away from Gabe and walking away without another word. There was nothing more to say. This would have to run it’s course. It couldn’t be the end. Not yet. Not like this.

Dean lost track of how long he’d been walking. The fight played over and over in his head. It didn’t really matter what happened now. Maybe he should just turn himself in. He lost Cas and the more he thought about it, the more he knew he needed to win Cas back.

Headlights were approaching from behind. Dean hoped it was a cop, as the car slowed next to him. The driver rolled down the window. 

“There you are,” Ash’s voice surprised Dean, “I’ve been looking for you for over an hour, dude. Get in.”

Dean wasn’t in the mood to argue. He got into the passenger seat and shut the door, “can you drive me to Sacramento?” he asked, not looking at Ash, as the car started moving again.

“Sacramento?” Ash reiterated, sounding confused, “Why?”

“Maybe my family won’t hate me for being alive,” Dean stared out the window at the passing street lights. 

“Cas doesn’t hate you,” Ash didn’t seem confident, which made Dean feel even worse, “just give him a couple of days to process everything.”

Dean didn’t fully believe that Cas hated him, but Cas certainly sounded like he meant it. Hopefully Ash was right. A couple of days with Sam would take his mind off of Cas...provided Dean’s mom didn’t murder him when she realized he’d faked his own death to get away with murdering her ex-husband. That would be potentially problematic. 

“Don’t give me the silent treatment, I’ll drive you to California,” Ash punched Dean’s arm lightly, “Sacramento, here we come!”

***

Cas couldn’t remember a time he’d been this livid. The past few minutes seemed like a blur; he remembered seeing Dean and feeling his anger explode. How could Dean do this to him?

“I hate you!” Cas yelled, breaking away from Anna and escaping to his room. 

It had been a month. A freaking month. Cas had finally started to accept what had happened. Now, Cas not only felt angry, but more betrayed than he’d ever felt before. He hated Dean for everything. How could he have been so stupid, following Dean so blindly?

Love.

Cas thought it was love. He was so desperate to find happiness that he settled. There was no denying the chemistry he shared with Dean, but, was it ever really love? It’s not like he had anything to compare it to. Dean was his first boyfriend...his first kiss...but, he still wasn’t sure if it was actually love.

It didn’t matter now. Cas wanted nothing to do with Dean. He locked his bedroom door, still shaking with anger. His tan trenchcoat was hanging on the post of his bed and it caught his eye. It was the coat Dean had borrowed from him the night of the Homecoming football game.

Cas grabbed the coat, remember that night well. It was the night Dean kissed him for the first time. Cas loaned him the coat because Dean lost his at a party. Dean was so drunk that night. Their first kiss was only initiated because Dean was drunk. How did Cas no see how shallow this relationship was?

There was knocking at his door, but Cas was distracted by his rage, building up inside. He clutched the coat, scowling at the tan fabric as he pulled at it, tugging until it finally started to tear. The tiny rip turned into a mad frenzy to destroy the garment. Cas couldn’t tear it apart fast enough. 

Cas could feel wetness on his cheeks, but didn’t realize he was crying until he heard Anna’s voice outside. Gabe’s voice was there too. They wanted him to open the door, but he ignored them. He pulled the buttons off the coat and threw them across his room, his chest now heaving with sobs.

So much reminded Cas of Dean. He needed to destroy as much of it as he could. There was no way he could hold onto things that held memories associated with Dean. He dropped what was left of the coat onto the floor and rounded on the yearbook, tearing out every page with Dean on it, shredding them and tossing them aside. 

“Castiel James Novak, open this door or I’m picking the lock,” Anna knocked loudly. 

“C’mon, Cassy, we just wanna talk,” Gabe pleaded.

Cas’ fingers were bleeding from paper cuts, but his attention was on the top drawer of his desk. The tape Dean made him was in there. That was the one last item he had that was directly from Dean. He slowly opened the drawer and picked up the tape; his hands were trembling.

As pissed off as he was, Cas could only stare at the tape. Dean, with some help from Sam, had made a recording of ‘Your Song’ by Elton John and it was, perhaps, the sweetest gift Cas had ever received. He’d listened to it over and over when Dean was in a coma. It gave Cas hope that things would get better. But that was a long time ago.

Before Cas could snap the tape, his bedroom door opened. He knew it was his siblings, so he remained transfixed on the tape. Could he really destroy something that used to mean so much to him?

“Cas,” Anna whispered, touching his shoulder.

“Is he gone?” Cas asked, still gazing down at the tape. A part of him was screeching at him to break the fucker in half and use the film as Christmas garland...but there was also another part, a much stronger one, telling him that he was making a huge mistake.

“He’s gone, bro,” Gabe said quietly, his voice worried.

“Good,” Cas gently put the tape back in the drawer and shit it, “I’m going to the store,” he walked past Anna and Gabe without another word.

Cas toed into his sneakers and grabbed his wallet, before leaving the apartment. HE was conflicted about the way he’d reacted to Dean. Sure, it was justified, given the circumstance, but maybe it was all wrong. Dean was practically pleading to explain himself, but Cas was so mad...he could only throw punches. He’s literally assaulted Dean.

“What have I done?” Cas froze, bracing himself on a telephone pole. He told Dean he hated him out of anger, but after seeing the cassette tape again, he realized that he didn’t hate Dean. Not even a little bit.

Cas had really messed up this time. He could try blaming this blow out on Dean, but Cas knew it was his own fault for acting the way he did. Even after Dean begged to explain, Cas refused to listen. He was so upset...he completely shut down and now things were worse than ever. 

Why couldn’t he just have been happy that Dean was alive?

Sighing, Cas walked into the liquor store. Initially, he planned to drink because Dean was the asshole...now Cas just needed to forget that he was the real asshole. Whiskey was his usual go-to, but tonight called for something stronger, so, he picked up a bottle of high-proof vodka and headed to the check-out counter. 

Cas put the bottle on the counter, not looking at the clerk, “could I also get two nips of the cheapest whiskey you have?” he mumbled, pulling out his wallet. 

“Holy shit,” the clerk’s voice was familiar, “Cas, is that you?”

Cas closed his eyes for a second, inhaling slowly to collect himself before looking at the clerk, “hello, Mike,” he remained stoic, “I didn’t know you worked here.”

Mike nodded, “only on Friday nights,” he pressed a few buttons on the register, “I saw you in here last Friday, but you looked pretty upset so I let my boss ring you up.”

Cas hated small talk. He knew Mike hated him; it was painfully awkward to try being civil to the guy who had slept with Dean before Cas was even in the picture, “it’s been a rough month,” he pointed to the nips of whiskey, “I think I’ll have three of those, actually.”

Mike grabbed the nips, “yeah. I get that,” he reached under the counter and grabbed a paper bag, “I saw the news.”

“I lived it,” Cas opened his wallet, “I doubt you understand,” he slid a ten dollar bill over to Mike, “pack of Marlboros too.”

Mike raised an eyebrow, “you’ve changed,” he put the items in the bag, “I guess that makes two of us,” he frowned, “look, Cas. I was a dick in high school and I’m sorry.”

“If you’re only apologizing because of the news, don’t,” Cas said rudely, wishing Mike would hurry up and ring him up, “I don’t want fake sympathy.”

“I’ve moved on,” Mike punched up the rest of the items, “I just thought I’d try to clear the air,” he shrugged, “you were always a good guy back in school...and I was kind of immature.”

“You hated me because Dean chose me and not you,” Cas rolled his eyes, “no offense, but it’s only been a year. How do you expect me to believe that you’re genuinely apologetic?”

“You know what? Fuck it. I tried,” Mike shoved the bag toward Cas, “eight bucks even,” he took the ten and opened the register, “here’s your change.”

Cas took the money and grabbed the bag, turning to leave, but stopped before he could walk away. He was mad at something unrelated to Mike. It wasn’t fair to take out his frustrations on Mike, even if he didn’t particularly like him, “Mike, I’m sorry,” he sighed, turning back, “I’ve just had a really bad day and seeing you made me think of Dean-”

“It’s cool,” Mike held up his hands, “we all have shitty days. I shouldn’t have come on so strong. It didn’t sound sincere at all,” he half-smiled, “but, I do feel bad about high school stuff,” he paused, “hey, let me make it up to you.”

“No, really. It’s fi-”

“Come on,” Mike leaned on the counter, grinning at Cas, “let me buy you one drink.”

The offer caught Cas off guard. He cocked his head to the side, “what?”

“I can close up a few minutes early,” Mike pulled out a set of keys, “I have my truck parked out back. One drink and I’ll drive you home.”

“One drink,” Cas nodded slowly, “I guess one drink wouldn’t hurt,” he agreed, somewhat reluctantly. Trusting Mike wasn’t easy, given their past.

Cas had no idea why he agreed to Mike’s idea. It was weird to be in a bar, with a sworn enemy, who was buying drinks. One drink quickly turned into several, and Cas felt the liquor going straight to his head. The strangest part was that he was actually having a decent time.

“I can’t believe it’s been a year since our senior year started,” Mike took a long sip of his beer, “now it’s over and life’s not what we thought it’d be. What a bummer.”

Cas nodded, stirring his drink with a straw, “I agree,” he poked at an ice cube, “I never expected so much drama after leaving school.”

“I hear ya, man. I was a mess for a while,” Mike stared down at his beer, “I didn’t really take Dean’s coma well.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Cas motioned for the waitress to bring two more drinks, “maybe you do kinda understand what I went through,” he said sheepishly, feeling bad about snapping at Mike earlier. Mike wasn’t a bad guy; like most people, he was just a dick in high school.

Mike glanced at Cas, “you aren’t the only one who loved Dean. I definitely understand,” he finished his beer and took out his wallet, as the waitress walked over with a new round of drinks. 

“You bought the last three rounds. Let me,” Cas said quickly, handing the waitress a few dollars, “thanks for those drinks, by the way.”

“It’s the least I could do, after everything that’s happened,” Mike half-smiled, “I guess it’s kind of cool to get to know you too,” he added, winking at Cas.

Cas’ cheeks ignited instantly. Mike just winked. Cas was drunk, but he was positive he didn’t imagine that. He felt uneasy. Something wasn’t right. Was Mike flirting with him?

“You alright, man?” Mike’s voice snapped Cas back to the present.

“I just remembered I need to go home,” Cas grabbed his sweater, “thanks again for the drinks,” his heart was racing. He needed to get out of there. The last thing he needed was more conflict in his already dramatic life. 

“Hey, wait a second, Cas,” Mike caught up with Cas, “let me drive you home,” he touched Cas’ shoulder, making him flinch.

“I’m against drinking and driving,” Cas shrugged off Mike and left the bar in a hurry.

The door to the bar opened behind Cas, “I have to walk past your house to get home. Mind if I join you?” Mike asked, jogging to keep pace, “Maybe I’m a little too buzzed to drive.”

“It’s a free country,” Cas said quietly, regretting going out with Mike. He hoped this wasn’t considered a date. Dean was alive and as pissed off as Cas was, cheating wasn’t in his repertoire. Besides, Mike wasn’t his type. 

“Did I say something wrong?” Mike was frowning, “I thought it was a pretty good night.”

“I’m just not myself today. It’s been rough,” Cas sighed, “it’s been exactly a month since Dean…” he trailed off, not wanting to talk about Dean with Mike. 

“It’s only been a month?” Mike grimaced, “It feels like it’s been so much longer than that,” he chuckled suddenly, “it’s boring without Dean. Time’s freaking dragging.”

Cas turned down the walkway to his apartment building, “see you around,” he didn’t stop to say goodbye, but knew Mike was following him toward the door. Crap. Crap. Crap.

“We should do this again,” Mike grinned at Cas, “you’re a cool guy, Cas.”

“Thanks for the drinks,” Cas avoided Mike’s suggestion, reaching for the door handle.

Mike stopped Cas from opening the door, “Cas, wait,” he reached over and cupped Cas’ cheek in his hand, turning his face toward him, “I, uh,” he leaned in and gently pressed their lips together.

Cas inhaled sharply, instinctively pushing Mike away. If he cheeks weren’t visibly red before, they were now, “Mike, I can’t-”

“Why not? Dean’s dead,” Mike scowled at Cas, reminding Cas of the old Mike he was used to, “I just bought you like four drinks-”

“Get off my property,” Cas said harshly, feeling a lump rising up in his throat, “just leave me alone,” he opened the door and slipped inside, locking it behind him. 

What the hell was that?

Cas was queasy. Kissing Dean never felt like this; it always made sense, but this kiss was terrifying and confusing. Nothing about the kiss was pleasant. It made Cas want to vomit. Had he just cheated on Dean?

Was Dean even his boyfriend?

Cas leaned against the wall, closing his eyes in an attempt to calm down. He was shaking and wished Dean was there. Dean would know exactly what to do.

“This whole mess started because of Dean,” Cas thought out loud, having a revelation, “why the hell am I so dependent on him?” he sighed, reaching into his pocket to retrieve the bottle of vodka he’d purchased earlier, taking a long sip of it before going into the apartment. 

Anna, Gabe and Meg were sitting in the parlor when Cas walked inside. They all looked concerned, but Meg was the only one who spoke.

“You gonna be okay, kiddo?” Meg offered a sympathetic smile, but her eyes were on the vodka Cas was holding. 

Cas looked at his siblings and Meg, stoic, as he took a long pull off the bottle, cringing before he said anything, “yup,” he said hoarsely, going to his room without another word, slamming the door a lot harder than he meant to. 

How could things go from alright to utter fucking bullshit in a matter of hours? This morning, Cas was damn-near cheerful, despite everything. Now, he not only knew that Dean was alive, but also kissed Mike. For the first time ever, Cas was at a total loss. He couldn’t even begin to think of what to do next. 

If Cas found Dean, he’d never be able to keep the kiss a secret, and Dean would probably freak out. But, if he just stayed away from Dean, there was a chance of a new life...but Mike was now a factor, which ruined everything. Any chance Cas had at a clean slate was shot. He should have known it wouldn’t have been that easy. Life’s a bitch, plain and simple. 

Cas still wished his life was plain and simple. He didn’t know what he did to deserve the cornucopia of garbage he called his life. With his luck, his existence was probably cursed. Maybe he’d never really be truly happy. Maybe he was just paying his bullshit dues early. There was no way of knowing what the future held, and it was a daunting thought, emphasized by the fact that Cas hadn’t the slightest idea of what to do with the hand he’d been dealt. 

The future was such an unpredictable prick.

Cas needed to not think for a while. He took a few more sips of vodka, deciding to drink until he physically couldn’t think. The bullshit wouldn’t disappear, but Cas needed to forget his problems for a night. He deserved that much.

After a day like today, Cas deserved to cope however he wanted to, and he intended to. 

***

“So, what’s the plan?” Ash asked, yawning. They’d been driving for hours and were nearing the border of California, but this was the first time they’d spoken since leaving Heaven Hills. 

Dean shrugged, still looking out his window, “I guess I’ll figure out something once I talk to my brother,” he sighed, “provided Sam doesn’t punch me in the face.”

“Speaking of that, I’m stopping for some wet naps,” Ash flipped down Dean’s mirror, keeping on hand on the steering wheel, “you’re a mess.”

Dean glanced in the mirror, frowning instantly. There was dried blood on the corner of his mouth and a large welt on his cheek from the initial punch he’d received. Dark circled rimmed his eyes and he agreed with Ash’s observation wholeheartedly. 

“I didn’t think Cas had any fight in him,” Dean touched the purpling bump on his cheek, “but he’s got a killer right hook.”

“I can’t believe he actually hit you,” Ash pulled into a gas station, “I’ll grab some first aid goodies and patch you up, dude.”

Dean thanked Ash, staring at his battered face in the mirror as Ash got out of the car. Last time he got the shit kicked out of him like this was the night he killed his father. These battle wounds were different’ somehow they were more painful than any injuries he’d gotten from his father. The person Dean loved most in the world was so hurt that it had resulted in violence. 

Dean had to fix it. He had to explain everything to Cas, come clear about all the lies and most importantly, earn Cas’ forgiveness. There was no living with this guilt. Dean would spend the rest of his life making things right with Cas if that’s what it took. 

Patched up and blood-free, Dean and Ash headed out, en route to Sacramento. There was little conversation on the drive. Dean was deep in thought, figuring out how to gingerly approach telling his family that he was alive. He was somewhat worried about Sam flipping out, but at the same time, Sam had helped cover Dean’s tracks the night of the murder...Sam was a strong person; Dean was almost positive Sam would be too excited to be angry. Or so he hoped.

With directions from Dean, Ash finally stopped the car in front of their destination. It was early in the morning, so everyone was probably sleeping. Dean knew he was going to have to be sly about not being seen by anyone but Sam, at first. Sam would be able to talk to their mother and soften the shock of the news.

“You want me to wait here in case things go south?” Ash asked, half-smiling at Dean, “I don’t mind.”

“Nah, I’ll be good,” Dean turned to look at Ash, “you got get some sleep, man.”

“I’ll stay in town for a day or two. I have a roadie friend who lives downtown,” Ash reached in his pocket and pulled out a crumpled piece of paper, “I’ll give you the phone number-”

“I’m good, I promise,” Dean interjected, “I think you should go back for Anna,” he suggested quietly, “don’t let her go. Trust me, losing a Novak sucks.”

Ash nodded slowly, his smile fading, “I never said goodbye.”

“Blame it on me,” Dean unlocked his door, “call her and tell her I made you drive me. Then she’ll be pissed at me-”

“Chill out,” Ash punched Dean’s arm, “I’ll just tell her the truth. I wanted to help a friend,” his grin returned, “she’ll understand.”

Dean finally smiled, “I hope she’s not too mad.”

“I’ll head back to Heaven Hills once I get some sleep. Stop worrying about me,” Ash rolled his eyes, “you have way more shit to focus on than me and Anna. You just figure out how to talk to Cas, okay?”

“Will do,” Dean opened the door, “wish me luck,” he carefully stood up, stretching.

“Good luck, amigo,” Ash saluted Dean, “catch you later.”

Dean shut the door and waved at Ash as he drove off, before turning to the single-level house. He inhaled slowly, organizing his thoughts, “here goes nothing,” he mumbled, walking over to the side of the house where Sam’s room was. 

The shade was open in Sam’s window, so Dean stood on the tips of his toes and peeked inside. Sam was sprawled out on his bed, fast asleep, hugging that stupid stuffed moose that Jess had gotten him two years ago. Dean couldn’t help smiling. He’d missed Sam and seeing him after several months was exciting.

“I hope he avoids the face if he punches me,” Dean mumbled, “I guess it’s now or never.”

After a few moments of debating, Dean softly tapped on the window. Sam stirred, but didn’t wake up, so Dean tapped a little loud. This time, Sam opened his eyes and sat up, yawning, as he looked toward the window. 

Dean waved awkwardly at Sam, whose expression was mixture of sleep-addled shock and confusion. Sam quickly got out of bed, tripping over a shoe on his way to open up the window, “Dean?” he pulled up the screen, “You’re-”

“Yeah,” Dean chuckled nervously, still weighing his brother’s reaction, “wanna help me inside?”

Sam leaned out the window and pulled Dean inside as quietly as possible, “Dean, I know your choices aren’t any of my business, but, what the hell is going on?” he ask, his tone hushed. 

Dean leaned on the window sill, “I mess up, Sammy,” he frowned, “I didn’t know where else to go.”

Sam nodded slowly, sitting on his bed, “so, you came here.”

“Sorry I didn’t call,” Dean felt bad that he waited so long to tell Sam that he was alive. Sam should have been the first person he told; maybe then Sam could have helped with the Cas situation. 

“Dammit, Dean,” Sam lunged at Dean, wrapping his arms around him, hugging him until it was almost awkward, “don’t you ever do that again,” he said, letting Dean go- were there tears in his eyes?

Dean held up his hands, “dude, I’m never doing anything stupid again,” he meant it. All the shit he’d pulled over the past year was unacceptable. He just wanted a simple life with those he loved. No more drama. 

Sam snorted, a smirk playing his lips, “I’ll believe that when I see it.”

“So, you’re not mad?” Dean raised an eyebrow, still afraid that Sam might hit him.

“Honestly, I’m relieved you’re alive,” Sam grinned at Dean, “but, it’s not me you should be worried about,” he folded his arms, “mom’s the one who might be a little upset.”

“Which is why I didn’t use the front door,” Dean heard a door creak open in the house and froze, “Can you talk to mom for me? I don’t want to just...walk in, y’know?”

Sam rolled his eyes, “I’ll see what I can do.”


	20. All Roads Lead Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean is determined to earn Cas' forgiveness, but will everything play out the way he wants it to?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK.
> 
> This is the FINAL CHAPTER. There is, however, a sizable epilogue coming. It might take a couple weeks to post, but it'll be fluffy and adorable and I promise it'll be worth the wait.
> 
> Thank you all for sticking with me through this absurdly long project. You all inspire me and I look forward to posting new writing projects in the future. (I have a couple of AUs in mind...including a sideshow/circus AU. So. There's that!)
> 
> If you like my series, definitely share it! And subscribe to me for future projects!!!
> 
> I'm done blabbering. Enjoy!!!

Dean had planned to tell Sam everything, but it was getting later and they weren’t the only ones awake in the house. He recognized his mom’s voice out in the kitchen and felt anxious when Sam got up to leave the room.

“Sammy, wait,” Dean whispered as Sam reached for the doorknob.

“Hm?” Sam looked at Dean.

“What are you going to say?” Dean asked, still keeping his voice low.

Sam shrugged, “I’ll casually mention you and ease mom into the news,” he smiled, “don’t worry. Just give me a few minutes.” 

Dean nodded, still leaning against the window sill as Sam left. To say Dean was nervous was a complete understatement. No matter what, he knew his mom would be mad. It had been over a year since they’d even spoken and she would definitely call him out on it. He just hoped he wouldn’t get hit again- even though he deserved it. 

The wait for Sam to tell their mom the news was tense. Dean tapped his fingers impatiently against his leg, closing his eyes to focus on his breathing. Only a few minutes had passed when he heard his mom raise her voice.

“He’s WHAT?!”

Dean flinched at the tone of his mom’s voice; his first instinct was to escape. He quickly opened the window screen, but wasn’t fast enough. Sam’s door opened and he knew he couldn’t sneak out now. 

“Don’t you even think about it,” she said, her tone dangerous.

Dean slowly backed away from the window and turned to face his mom, who looked both surprised and pissed off, “Mom, I…”

Mary folded her arms, “don’t mom me,” she shut the door, “you have a lot of explaining to do, mister,” she took a seat on Sam’s bed, “say what you have to say. I promise I won’t interrupt.”

Dean looked down, avoiding his mom’s unwavering gaze, “I don’t even know where to start,” he said sheepishly, genuinely unsure of what to say. So much had happened since the last time he’d spoken to her.

Mary stood up and went over to Dean, tilting his chin up so he was looking at her, “it would be a good idea to start at the beginning,” she raised an eyebrow, “maybe you could tell me why I didn’t find out that you were in an accident until Sam moved in.”

Dean never thought about calling his mom to update her. He’d assumed Sam had called to tell her everything. Apparently not, “I’m sorry,” he frowned, “things were crazy. I was comatose for months,” he sighed, “and I assume you know what happened when I woke up.”

“I do,” Mary was stone-faced as she spoke, “but why this happened remains a mystery. Your brother has been avoiding the subject since he got here.”

“I guess I can’t really blame him,” Dean leaned against the wall, “I wasn’t myself that night...when dad threatened Cas, I just lost it.”

“Cas?” Mary looked lost, “I thought you and Jo were good. Who’s this new girl?”

Dean couldn’t believe Sam had literally kept their mom in the dark. She had no idea about Cas. He didn’t anticipate having to come out to his mom, but, now was as good a time as any, “Cas, uh,” he cleared his throat, “Cas is,” he paused, “well, was my boyfriend.”

Mary’s expression softened, “was?” she asked, visibly curious.

Dean nodded slowly, “he dumped me last night,” he mumbled, feeling sick. The break up was still fresh in his mind and it pained him to think about it. 

“Can I ask why?” Mary walked back to the bed and sat down, “Did Cas think you were dead like the rest of us did?”

Dean joined his mom, “he had to think I was dead. Otherwise he’d probably be in jail right now,” he cringed at the thought, “he was so mad at me. I’ve never seen him like that.”

“Is that why your face looks like a battlefield?” Mary gently touched the bruise on Dean’s cheek.

“Yeah. Cas didn’t handle the news as well as I hoped he would,” Dean closed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose, “he said he hated me, mom.”

“And that’s why you came here,” Mary touched Dean’s arm, “is that about right?”

Dean shrugged, “that and I missed my mom,” he half-smiled, glancing at her.

Mary smirked at Dean, “coy,” she pulled Dean into a hug, “I missed you more,” she let him go, ruffling his hair, “but I swear to god, Dean, if you ever pull a stunt like this again, I’m going to kill you myself.”

Dean knew his mom was only half-joking, “Cas would support that,” he said sadly, “he’s probably help you do the deed.”

“Oh, stop being negative,” Mary got up, “Cas was probably in shock. Just give him a few days to clear his head. I’m positive Cas’ll come around,” she sounded sure of herself and it gave Dean some much-needed hope. 

At first, Dean wasn’t sure if coming to Sacramento was the right choice, but he was glad to be here now. His mom, even if she was upset, always knew just what to say to make everything better. Dean was hopeful that Cas would cool off and finally listen. Until then, Dean was content with his mom, Sam and Muriel.

The least Dean could do, after all the crazy shit he’d done, was stay here for a few days. His family deserved that much and it would give him time to organize his thoughts. Maybe being with his family would be nice.

Dean certainly wouldn’t say no to something good happening for once.

***

The week following the night Dean returned was a drunken blur for Cas. He was in a downward spiral and it was Dean’s fault. Again. 

Cas didn’t want to admit that Gabe was right about Dean, but Cas found it harder and harder to deny that Dean treated him like shit. It wasn’t that Dean was abusive in a typical sense- Cas was well aware that Dean always did what he assumed was for the best- it was the kind of abuse that was mentally damaging. Cas knew how messed up their relationship was from the get-go, but it took a ridiculous deceit for him to fully understand how fucked up things had really gotten.

How didn’t Cas see through Dean’s loving facade? Was he just as screwed up as Dean? Did he deserve this kind of psychological trauma?

As upset as he was over the whole situation, Cas couldn’t help wondering why Dean did what he did. Perhaps he was wrong to throw Dean out without letting him explain. After all, Cas certainly deserved some kind of explanation. He’d never get closure now. There was no way of knowing where Dean was, but Cas was positive they’d never see each other again; the thought made Cas feel uneasy. What had he done?

No.

Cas couldn’t think like this. Dean was the one who faked his own death- he deserved what he got. Cas just couldn’t forgive Dean so easily. However, he decided that if Dean came back, he would let him talk, if only to give himself closure. If it was meant to work out, it would.

The idea made Cas feel a bit better. If Dean wasn’t his soul mate, it just meant someone else was. Life was going to play out exactly as it was supposed to and it would be alright. No matter what happened on the adventure, in the end, life would be okay.

Exactly one week after Dean revealed himself, Cas felt good enough to finally talk. Not to his siblings, but to the one person who knew Dean almost as well as Dean knew himself. Jo had been calling, but Cas never called her back. After a refreshing burst of positivity, he decided to give her a call. Ellen answered the phone and instantly passed it to Jo.

“I didn’t think you were ever going to call me back,” was the greeting Cas received from Jo. She didn’t sound angry, but there was a hint of irritation in her voice.

“It’s been kind of a shitty week,” Cas said, only somewhat apologetic. He knew he did the right thing avoiding people the past week because of his less-than-cheerful mood.

“I’m here if you need to vent,” Jo offered, “if anyone has a right to complain about stuff, it’s you, Cas.”

“That’s sort of why I called,” Cas admitted, leaning against the couch, “things happened and you’re the only one I can talk to about it.”

“What happened?” Jo asked, sounding worried, “Are you okay?”

“I will be,” Cas sighed, “eventually.”

“Spit it out, Cas. What’s up?”

Cas swallowed hard, “Dean’s alive and I kissed Mike...well, he kissed me-”

“What?” Jo coughed loudly; Cas assumed she was drinking something.

“I’m sorry. I should have told you sooner-”

“I’ll say,” Jo interrupted, “that’s kind of a lot to drop on someone,” she paused, “did you say you kissed Mike?”

Cas felt his cheeks ignite, “he kissed me,” he corrected Jo, “I was in a bad place that night. Dean showed up at my apartment and I lost it...I hit Dean and told him I hated him.”

“I can’t say I blame you,” Jo said sympathetically, “but, I’d like to know why you were with Mike. In all honesty, the whole Dean thing doesn’t surprise me all that much,” she added, laughing without humor, “the Mike thing threw me off completely though.”

Cas frowned, still feeling horrible about that whole situation, “I ran into MIke at the liquor store. He insisted on buying me a drink to make up for being a jerk in high school,” he rolled his eyes, “he hasn’t changed at all.”

“Mike got drunk and wanted to hook up, didn’t he?” Jo snorted, “He pulled the same thing with Adam a couple of months back. Did he get pissy when you turned him down?”

“Pretty much,” Cas felt sick remembering that night, “I guess I could have said no from the start...but I was so mad at Dean-”

“Dean hurt you. If I were you, I would have banged someone Dean knew,” Jo said, nonchalant, “it was just a kiss, Cas. If Dean gets mad, I hate to say it, but, maybe you guys need a break,” she paused, “that sounded mean. I just don’t think Dean has a right to get pissy after the stunts he’s pulled.”

“I don’t think Dean will be angry,” Cas glanced at the door that had opened; Anna was home from work, but he kept talking, “I think he’ll be content if I let him explain himself.”

“Probably,” Jo agreed, “that idiot does love you more than anything, so, it most likely destroyed him to hear you say that you hated him.”

“If he comes back, I should let him talk,” Cas thought out loud, “or, maybe it’s better if I don’t know.”

“Cas, you need to do what’s best for you,” Jo said sternly, “stop thinking about Dean and do whatever makes you happy,” she added, pausing for a moment, “I’m not saying you should cut him out right away, because it’s clear you love him. I mean, hell, I love him too, but if he explains why he did what he did and it doesn’t make things better, maybe it’s time to move on, y’know?”

Everything Jo said was logical. She always had the best insight on things, and put it bluntly, which Cas appreciated. Cas felt guilty for being such a crappy friend to her. He didn’t mean to pull her into his drama with Dean, but she was the only one who understood.

“You’re right, Jo,” Cas said after a long silence, “but I still don’t know what to do. I’m torn.”

“Alright, let me ask you this- what is your gut feeling about Dean?” Jo asked, clearly determined to help.

“That he tried to do what’s best,” Cas whispered, “he said he did everything for me,” sighing, he realized that no matter what he did, he could never stay angry at Dean for caring. He knew what he had to do, “I have to let Dean explain.”

“You don’t need to do anything,” Jo chimed in, “but, just know I’m here if you want to talk. Don’t disappear again, okay?”

Cas smiled to himself, playing with the cord of the phone, “I won’t take off again,” he assured Jo, “and if I do, I’ll keep in touch.”

“Good,” Jo said cheerfully, “next question. When are you free? You’re dodging on details and I want to hear them in person.”

“Details?” Cas was confused, “I told you everyth-”

“Vaguely!” Jo complained, laughing, “I know Dean came back, you hit him and then went out and got yourself kissed by Mike. That’s not a story, Cas.”

“Jo, that’s really what hap-”

“I’m busy tonight, but I’m coming to steal you one day this week,” Jo interrupted, ignoring Cas, “this is non-negotiable, so, I’ll see you soon.”

“I guess I can’t argue then,” Cas mumbled, defeated, “even though my story isn’t all that exciting.”

“Don’t care,” Jo said stubbornly, “you can’t bottle everything up forever. I’ll be in touch,” she hung up before Cas could attempt to argue.

In a way, Cas felt more confident after talking to Jo. He was unsure if he’d overreacted the night Dean came back, but now he was positive he had every right to do what he did. Jo’s insight was much needed and Cas would be forever grateful. Now he could finally figure everything out. 

Hopefully things would be alright. Cas felt cautiously optimistic because this time, the outcome would be on him. If Dean came back, whatever happened would be Cas’ choice and he finally had an idea of what to do. He had reservations about seeing Dean again, but Cas knew that he’d never recover if he didn’t have closure. Communication was key in any relationship and Cas hoped talking with Dean would fix theirs.

***

Dean spent the next week with his family in Sacramento. It was refreshing to feel welcome somewhere after the Cas fiasco. Sam hardly left Dean’s side, which Dean didn’t mind. He missed his brother when he was on the run. Having mom and Muriel were an added bonus. 

For the most part, Dean stayed at the house. He still needed to lay low, just in case, but after a week, he knew he needed to talk to Cas. A week was plenty of time to process everything. Dean was starting to get stir-crazy.

Sam had offered to drive Dean aback to Heaven Hills, which he accepted without hesitation. They planned to meet Jess in town and figure out the next course of action. Dean had every intention of letting Jess and Sam do their own thing, since there was one person in town he needed to talk to. Jo would be able to come up with a good way to talk to Cas and was also on good terms with the Novaks. He needed her. 

The morning Dean and Sam were supposed to leave, Mary and Muriel made a huge breakfast. Pancakes, bacon, eggs- the whole nine yards. The mood was tense and even a little somber. Dean could tell his mom was sad that her boys were leaving again, but it was inevitable. Dean needed to be with Cas. His heart just wasn’t in Sacramento. 

“So, how far is Heaven Hills from here?” Muriel asked, poking at hers eggs, clearly uncomfortable with the awkward silence that had overtaken the kitchen table. 

“About ten hours,” Dean took a sip of his orange juice, “provided there’s no traffic and Sam doesn’t drive like a little old lady.”

“Last time I checked, Sam’s never been in an accident,” Mary raised an eyebrow at Dean, “which is why Sam is going to drive,” she stirred her coffee, “no offense, Dean, but you can’t blame me for trusting your brother more than you.”

“Fair enough,” Dean gave in instantly. He was on good terms with his mom and wanted to keep it that way, “I guess that trip will take closer to a day then,” he nudged Sam jokingly.

“I believe you’re the one who said that the driver pics the music and the passenger shuts his pie hole,” Sam smirked at Dean, “I have all of Jefferson Starship’s songs from Woodstock on cassette.”

Dean groaned, “Sammy, please-”

“You boys better not duke it out at the table over music...again,” Mary pointed at Dean with a piece of bacon, “if Sam wants to listen to his music, you’d better let him.”

“What’s wrong with Jefferson Starship?” Muriel asked, visibly confused, “I like their music.”

“Everyone had that one band they hate,” Dean half-smiled at Muriel, “I hate Jefferson Starship. Sam hates The Doors.”

“Gotcha,” Muriel chuckled, “I guess I feel that way about all jazz.”

“I second that,” Mary grinned at Muriel, “we’re Zeppelin gals.”

“I think we can all agree that Led Zeppelin is the greatest rock band of all time,” Dean agreed, toasting his glass to his mom and Muriel.

“I taught you well,” Mary cleared Muriel’s and her plates, “if you didn’t learn anything else, at least you know good music from crap,” she glanced back at Dean, “you know, despite your severe lack of judgement the past few months, I’m proud of you.”

The comment caught Dean off guard. He frowned, “why?”

“Could you two give me a minute alone with Dean?” Mary asked, putting the plates in the sink.

“I’ll go pack up the car,” Sam followed Muriel out of the room, leaving Dean alone with Mary.

Mary leaned against the kitchen counter, “you don’t see a reason for me to be proud of you,” she looked hurt, “why not?”

Dean shrugged, “I’ve done a lot of really fucked up things-”

“Language,” Mary interjected, giving Dean a disapproving look.

“Messed up things,” Dean corrected himself, “I guess I’m not the poster child of perfect sons,” he sighed, “a gay, murderer who didn’t finish high school.”

“Stop right there,” Mary folded her arms, “you stood up to your disgusting, abusive father to protect the one you love and have done everything in your power to get a blank slate,” she smiled at Dean, “as far as I’m concerned, you did the world a favor,” she paused, “but don’t you dare think I support murder because I don’t,” she added, “your father was a unique circumstance.”

“I don’t know if I should say ‘you’re welcome’,” Dean mused, a little baffled that his mother was kind of praising him for murdering his father. He brought his plate to the sink.

“You don’t need to say anything,” Mary touched Dean’s arm, “just know that I love you, no matter what happens, so, there’s no excuse to lose touch again, alright?”

“I promise I’ll call when everything gets figured out,” Dean hugged his mom, “thanks for not disowning me, mom.”

“Thanks for including us in your big fake death plot,” Mary smirked at Dean.

Dean helped her clear the table, “you won’t tell anyone about it, right?”

“I actually wanted to ask you about that,” Mary turned the water on and started filling up the sink, “who are you planning on telling? You’re going to have to be careful, Dean.”

Dean nodded, “I know,” he grabbed a dish rag, “I’m only telling a handful of trustworthy people,” he said, drying the plates as his mom washed them, “so keep it between you and Muriel.”

“How are you planning on having a life with Cas?” Mark looked at Dean, “You can’t just go out and get a job when you’re supposed to be dead.”

“I have everything all planned out,” Dean pulled out his wallet and showed off the fake ID Charlie had made for him, “I go by Dean Martin now.”

Mary rolled her eyes, “you WOULD choose that name.”

“I saw the chance and I took it,” Dean laughed.

“Usually people trying to get away with crimes choose more discreet fake names,” Mary wiped her hands on her pants and took the fake ID from Dean, inspecting it, “this is a really good fake.”

“My friend, out in Seattle, made it. She’s a genius,” Dean wondered how Charlie and Hannah were doing. He made a mental note to call when things were smoothed over with Cas.

“Clearly,” Mary handed the ID back to Dean, “you’re lucky to have a friend who was willing to help you out.”

“I did luck out,” Dean half-smiled, “it was almost like everything that happened was fate.”

“I believe it,” Mary rinsed off a spatula, “everything happens for a reason.”

“Hopefully the reason was a happy ending with Cas,” Dean sighed, feeling a pang of anxiety in the pit of his stomach. He could wish and pray for Cas’ forgiveness, but at the end of the day, only fate could truly decide the outcome.

“How many times do I have to tell you that things will be alright in the end?” Mary shut the water off, turning to Dean, “if things suck, then, it’s not the end.”

“You’re right, mom,” Dean pulled her into a bear hug, “thank you.”

“Stay out of trouble,” Mary squeezed Dean, “and look out for your little brother.”

“I’ll make Sam call when we get there,” Dean let his mom go, “can I bring Cas to visit at some point?” he asked, as they walked out into the front room.

“You’d better bring him for a visit,” Mary followed Dean outside, “I’d like to meet the man you committed murder for. I’m curious.”

Dean chuckled, “curious?”

“Your father hated Cas, right?” Mary leaned on the porch railing, “I’m willing to bet that I’d love him.”

“You will,” Dean watched Sam and Muriel put the last bag into the trunk of Mary’s car, “Cas is hard to dislike.”

“I look forward to meeting him then,” Mary sidled up to Muriel as she and Sam joined them on the porch, “are you two heading out now?”

Sam nodded, “I want to beat the traffic.”

Mary hugged Sam, “keep an eye on Dean. You’re in charge, got it?”

Dean rolled his eyes, “Sam’s head is big enough,” he mumbled.

“I’ll make sure Dean doesn’t do anything else illegal,” Sam kissed Mary on the top of the head, “love you, mom.”

“Have a safe trip,” Muriel smiled at Sam and Dean, “your mom and I will be here if you need anything.”

“We’ll call when we get to Heaven Hills,” Dean assured his mom and Muriel, “thanks for letting me lay low here while I figured out everything.”

“You may be a fugitive, but you’re still my son,” Mary ruffled Dean’s hair, “come visit whenever,” she reached in her pocket and pulled out a crumpled up twenty, “I know you’re broke, so take this. It isn’t much, but it’s better than nothing.”

Dean took the cash and hugged his mom, “I appreciate it,” he let her go and after another quick round of goodbyes, he and Sam left.

***

The drive to Heaven Hills was seemingly never ending. The closer they got to their hometown, the more nervous Dean grew. Sam tried to make small talk, but Dean was too focused on Cas. He needed this second apology to work out for the better.

After a few hours on the road, Dean started to doze off. It had been days since he’d gotten more than a few hours of sleep, so the cat nap was more than welcome. They were still several hours from Heaven Hills, so Dean let himself relax, despite his fear of being shunned by Cas.

“Hey, we’re almost there,” Sam’s voice startled Dean, “time to wake up, Dean.”

Dean rubbed his eyes, yawning, “what time is it?” he asked, realizing the sun was starting to set. How long had he been asleep?

“Around seven,” Sam flipped off the radio, “you’ve been out for a good four hours.”

“I guess I needed the sleep,” Dean mumbled, still groggy from his nap, “did I miss anything?”

“Nah. It was a pretty boring drive,” Sam turned down the main road that went into town, “how was your nap?”

“I had a dream about the last family vacation we took,” Dean glanced at Sam, “remember when we learned how to fish?”

Sam snorted, “you flipped the canoe and lost the trout we caught,” he grinned, “I’ve never seen dad laugh like that.”

“Mom wouldn’t let us on a boat for the rest of the week,” Dean mused, “that was a fun trip.”

“We should go on a vacation with mom and Muriel,” Sam suggested, slowing as they approached Jess’ house, just outside the Heaven Hills town line.

“Let’s just see how tonight goes,” Dean noticed Jess’ dad’s truck was in the driveway, “is Jess going to meet us out here? Her parents are home and I can’t risk them seeing me.”

“Duck down, I’m gonna honk,” Sam pressed the horn, “Just stay low until I say it’s clear.”

Dean slumped low in the seat, “did you tell Jess about me?”

“Jess knows,” Sam’s face lit up, “I’ll be right back,” he got out of the car in a hurry.

Dean carefully peeked out his window, seeing Sam practically gallop over to Jess, who lept into his arms. It made Dean smile to see his brother so happy. He knew it was his fault that Sam had to move away from Jess and was glad to see them together again. At least some people had good luck with relationships. A few moments later, Sam and Jess got into the car. Dean sat up and climbed into the back seat, so Jess could sit next to Sam in front.

“Welcome back from the dead,” Jess turned around to look at Dean, “judging by what Sam told me, I’m guessing most people still think you’re six feet under.”

“The fewer people who know, the better,” Dean said quietly, “so, keep it on the down-low.”

“No problemo,” Jess grinned, “it’s exciting to be a part of a scandal,” she giggled, “my parents would disown me if they knew what I was up to.”

“Which is why I’m doing this alone,” Dean wasn’t going to drag Jess into the drama, “you kids are going to do your own thing while I deal with my bullshit,” he handed the twenty his mom gave him to Sam, “go catch a film or something.”

“Want me to drop you off at Cas’ place?” Sam asked, taking the money.

“I can’t just drop in again,” Dean sighed, “the last thing I need is to fuck up apology number two.”

Jess nodded, “understandable,” she said, frowning, “I heard Cas kicked your ass.”

“I couldn’t fight him,” Dean mumbled, looking down at his lap, “I mean, it’s not like I didn’t deserve to get hit.”

“I hope everything works out, Dean,” Jess reached back and touched Dean’s arm, “I can tell you’re sorry about everything.”

“I am,” Dean said gruffly, feeling queasy as Sam neared Jo’s street, “hey, drop me off at Jo’s place.”

“Jo?” Sam sounded surprised as he turned down Oak Street, “You sure?”

“She’s on good terms with the Novaks,” Dean looked out the window, “I need her.”

“You know how angry Jo is going to be right?” Sam asked, “She might hit you too.”

“I don’t doubt that,” Dean felt his pulse quicken as Sam pulled up in front of the Harvelle’s house, “you two behave.”

Sam rolled his eyes, “and you try to not get arrested,” he rebutted, smirking at Dean, “I’ll be at Jess’ house tonight if things don’t go as planned.”

Dean squeezed Sam’s shoulder, “thanks for coming with me, Sammy,” he offered one last smiled before exiting the car, waving as Sam and Jess drove off.

After taking a moment to prepare himself for a potentially bad reunion with Jo, Dean finally made his way up the walkway. Reluctantly, he knocked on the door and waited. A minute passed before it opened.

Jo was stone-faced, folding her arms when she saw Dean, “so. You really are alive.”

Dean couldn’t tell how upset Jo was. He cleared his throat, “for now,” he said shyly, somewhat fearful that Jo would murder him. She only folded her arms like that when she was angry, “look, I know you’re probably pissed-”

Jo raised an eyebrow, “actually, I’m happy you’re alive,” she paused, frowning at Dean, “however, I’m a little upset that I’m the last to know,” she leaned on the door frame, “Cas told me you were back. You didn’t exactly handle that situation well.”

“Cas is the one who punched me,” Dean argued, “I was trying to be reasonable.”

“Reasonable?” Jo snorted, “You showed up at his door a month after faking your death. You’re lucky I’m not throwing punches too. What you did was messed up, Dean.”

“If punching me would help with the whole forgiveness things, go for it,” Dean closed his eyes, bracing himself, “please, just not in the face.” 

Without warning, Jo’s foot connected with Dean’s crotch, causing him to drop to his knees. He groaned, grabbing himself as he felt tears in his eyes. This was the first time he’d gotten kicked where the sun doesn’t shine and it was even more painful than he expected it to be. 

“Oh, stop whining and come inside,” Jo walked inside, leaving the door open. 

Dean inhaled slowly, trying to ignore the throbbing in his pants. He carefully stood up and went into the house, limping more than usual. Hopefully Jo had gotten the anger out of her system- Dean wasn’t sure if he could handle another nut-shot. This was some of the worst physical pain he’d ever felt...but he still couldn’t deny deserving it.

Jo’s mom, Ellen, glanced up from the book she was reading as Dean passed through the parlor, on his way to Jo’s room. She smirked at him, “I see Jo taught you a lesson about lying,” she mused.

“Yes, ma’am,” Dean said quietly, “she sure did.”

“Jo told me everything,” Ellen closed the book, “I know it’s not my business, but I hope you have a plan, boy. What you did was pretty stupid.” 

“That’s why I need Jo’s help,” Dean shifted awkwardly, “she’s smart.”

“I swear, if you get my daughter in trouble, you’re going to have to deal with me and I’m a heck of a lot scarier than the cops,” Ellen warned.

“Point taken,” Dean smiled quickly, before sneaking upstairs to Jo’s room.

“My mom threatened you, didn’t she?” Jo laughed, nodding over to a chair, “I knew she would.”

Dean took a seat, “I can’t say I blame her,” he said, attempting to find a comfy position on the chair, “I definitely fucked up.”

“I agree,” Jo said, grabbing a pillow and tossing it at Dean, “so, what’s the plan to fix everything?”

“That’s why I’m here,” Dean threw the pillow back to Jo, “I was hoping you’d have a suggestion other than showing up to Cas’ place like I did last week.”

Jo looked thoughtful for a moment, “I think you should smooth things over with Anna and Gabe first,” she half-smiled, “if they’re on your side, they can help too.”

“Gabe was really pissed,” Dean carded his fingers through his hair, “I don’t know if they’ll even talk to me.”

“There’s only one way to find out,” Jo reached for the phone on her nightstand and picked up the receiver, spin-dialing the familiar number before handing it to Dean, “good luck.”

Dean’s heart was racing as the line rang. He hoped Cas didn’t pick up. Cas would recognize his voice instantly and Dean really wanted to talk face to face. 

“Novak residence,” Anna answered on the third ring.

“Anna, it’s Dean. Can we talk?” Dean asked, almost pleading. 

“You have a lot of gall calling here,” Anna said in a low tone, making Dean’s stomach knot up.

“I know,” Dean sighed, “but I’m desperate.”

“You stupid son of a bitch,” Gabe’s voice joined into the conversation, “Do you have any idea what you put Cas through?”

“Gabe, I know I fucked up,” Dean mumbled, “but that’s why I called. I need to fix this.”

“You think?” Gabe snorted, “Maybe if you weren’t such a fucking-”

“Gabriel, he called to talk,” Anna said calmly, effectively silencing Gabe, “say what you called to say, Dean.”

“I want to see Cas,” Dean paused, “I need to explain why I did what I did,” he closed his eyes, “I can’t live without Cas. Please, just give me one last chance.”

“I don’t trust him, Anna,” Gabe said stubbornly.

“Neither do I,” Anna agreed, “But Cas is a mess without Dean,” she exhaled slowly, “Cas tries so hard to hide his pain, but his eyes…” she trailed off.

“What do you mean?” Dean asked.

“Cas tried to smile and claim he’s okay, but his eyes are dead. It’s awful,” Anna was clearly worried, “I don’t know what’s worse. That he’s completely devastated or that he’s lying about being alright.”

“I hate to admit it, but Anna’s right,” Gabe chimed in, “maybe it’s time you and Cas had a chat, Dean-o.”

Dean was surprised by the Novaks’ response, “will Cas let me talk?”

“If we plan it right,” Anna murmured, clearly still thinking, “I mean, I think Cas wants to talk to you just as bad as you want to talk to him.”

“Maybe Jo could get Cas out of the apartment,” Gabe suggested, “Does she know you’re alive, Dean?”

“I’m actually at her house right now,” Dean smiled at Jo, “she told me to get the okay from you guys.”

“Perfect,” Anna said eagerly, “once Cas leaves, you can come and wait for him here.”

“I’ll make sure Cassy doesn’t bolt,” Gabe offered.

“So, this is basically a relationship intervention,” Dean chuckled.

Jo’s eyebrows shot up, “we should have done this ages ago,” she laughed to herself.

Dean rolled his eyes at Jo, “when are we going to put this plan into motion, Anna?”

“Put Jo on the phone. We’ll figure it out,” Anna yawned, “if it goes down tonight, you boys better not have another blowout. I’ve been up since four.”

Dean handed the phone to Jo, “they want to talk to you.”

Jo held the receiver to her ear, “hi guys,” she said cheerfully, listening, “I can do that. I’ll take Cas to the diner for a milkshake,” she paused, nodding, “that’s perfect. Put Cas on,” she looked at Dean, grinning, “hi, Cas. It’s Jo.”

Dean inhaled slowly, finding it extremely difficult to resist his herculean desire to grab the phone and start apologizing. He watched Jo talk to Cas, tapping his fingers impatiently. It drove him nuts not knowing what Cas was saying.

“I was wondering if you wanted to grab a shake at the diner. I need to vent about Adam,” Jo twirled the cord around her finger, “my treat, Cas,” it sounded like Cas was trying to say no, “well, I’m going to come pick you up and I’m prepared to drag you out,” she laughed, “oh, you know I have no problem getting Anna and Gabe involved,” she listened for a moment, “great. I’ll be there soon, sweetie,” she hung up the phone, giving Dean a smug look.

“Well?” Dean asked, hoping he didn’t sound as impatient as he felt.

“Operation happily ever after is a go,” Jo got up and grabbed a sweater, “I’ll drop you off a block away, so Cas won’t see you.”

“Take your time at the diner,” Dean followed Jo out of her room, “I still need to think of what to say.”

“I’ll give you an hour,” Jo waved at her mom as they passed through the parlor, heading outside, “Anna said that her and Gabe would meet you at the apartment,” Jo said once they were in the car, “good luck with that,” she added, smirking at Dean.

“Thanks,” Dean wanted to say that his biggest fear was Cas...but Cas’ siblings were some of the most intimidating people he’d ever met. Anna and Gabe were understandably protective of Cas and Dean couldn’t deny being nervous to talk to them. They would likely tear him a new asshole, but Dean knew he had to get through the abuse to get Cas back. If Anna and Gabe were on his side, Cas would see that Dean was genuinely sorry.

This had to work.

The short ride across town was in silence. Jo dropped Dean off about a blow from Cas’ apartment, before going to pick Cas up. This gave Dean a few minutes to mentally prepare himself for what could be the most important night of his young life.

Dean took his time walking to Cas’ place, humming softly to keep himself calm. On the outside he was stoic, but he was borderline panicked by the time the familiar building came into view. Anna and Gabe were sitting outside on the front steps.

“You got this, Dean,” he whispered to himself, before heading toward the eldest Novaks.

Gabe folded his arms as Dean approached, but it was Anna who spoke, “Dean,” she nodded in greeting.

“Hey,” Dean smiled, still nervous, “nice to see you guys.”

“Before we do this, I need to know why you did all that,” Anna ignored the small talk, “because you’re not going anywhere near Cas until you convince us you’re worth it.”

“It was to protect Cas,” Dean didn’t break eye contact, “all I ever wanted was to protect him.”

Gabe raised a quizzical eyebrow, “how did faking your own death protect Cas?” he asked, clearly not convinced.

“Cas sucks at lying,” Dean frowned, “he had to believe that I was dead so he wouldn’t technically lie to the police,” he paused, looking from Gabe to Anna, “I don’t think Cas could handle jail, do you?”

Gabe glanced at Anna, who was stone-faced. Neither spoke, and Dean hoped it was a good sign. He was telling the truth and that was all he could do. Anna and Gabe had to understand that all Dean cared about was Cas.

After what seemed like hours, Anna smiled, “I can’t believe I’m saying this,” she laughed airily, “thank you for all you’ve done for Cas,” she pulled Dean into a hug.

Dean returned the hug, relief washing over him, “I promise I’ll fix everything,” he said gruffly, letting Anna go, “I just want Cas to be happy.”

“Well then, what’s the plan, Dean-o?” Gabe asked, opening the door to the building.

"So, I'm getting the okay to see Cas?" Dean grinned, unable to hide his excitement.

Gabe snorted, "yeah, I guess," he leaned on the door frame, "but, I swear on the parents' graves, if you hurt my baby bro again, they'll never find your body, Winchester."

Dean nodded, "got it," he followed Gabe and Anna inside, "for the record, I go by Dean Martin now."

"You fucking would," Gabe chuckled, rolling his eyes, "I'm going to hang back and make sure Cassy doesn't bolt. He'll have to pass Meg's apartment and we'll tackle him if he does."

"Don't you dare tackle him, Gabriel Novak," Anna said sternly, "I don't want you breaking his arm like you did when he was six."

"Oh, fine," Gabe sighed dramatically, "I guess we'll just block the door then," he winked before sauntering down the hall to Meg's door.

Anna let Dean into the apartment, taking a seat on the sofa next to him. They sat quietly, waiting for Cas to return. Dean was deep in thought, attempting to piece together what to say. He just had to tell the truth and hope for the best. It was all he could do at this point and either things would go well...or this would be the last time he's ever see Cas.

After about an hour, the sound of a car door slamming broke the silence. Dean inhaled slowly, glancing at Anna as she stood up. She touched his shoulder, smiling before leaving the room.  
The front door to the building shut, making Dean's heart race. This was it. He couldn't escape now; not that he wanted to. Everything that had happened brought him to this moment and now it was here. He prayed it would go smoothly.

Dean swallowed hard as the doorknob turned and clicked. He looked over as the door slowly opened. Cas froze, wide-eyed for a moment before taking a few steps inside, quietly shutting the door.

"Dean," Cas whispered, standing a few feet from the sofa, his eyes transfixed on Dean.

"Hey, Cas," Dean got up, smiling shyly at a very surprised-looking Cas.

"Why are you here?" Cas asked, still not moving.

"I think I owe you an explanation," Dean said sheepishly, resisting the urge to close the distance and hug Cas.

"You think?" Cas scowled at Dean, folding his arms.

"Alright, I definitely owe you an explanation," Dean's smile faded a little, wishing Cas wasn't acting so cold. It made apologizing even more difficult when he couldn't read what Cas was thinking.

"Go on," Cas raised an eyebrow, clearly interested.

Dean felt his heart skip a beat. This might actually work. Inhaling slowly, he spoke slowly, "I lied to you, Cas," he kept his voice even, "I left you alone and there's nothing I can do to change that," he paused, his lips quirking into somewhat of a smirk, "unless that Doctor Who show is based on real stuff," he added, trying to ease the tension.

"It's not," Cas said, his expression still stern.

"I get it. I fucked up," Dean sighed, "I can say I'm sorry a million different ways, but I lost your trust," he took a cautious step toward Cas, "I hurt you and you have every right to hate me."

"Dean-"

"Cas, I need you to understand that every single thing I did was for you," Dean continued before Cas could say anything, "I had to protect you."

Cas laughed without humor, "letting me assume you were rotting at the bottom of the ocean was the only way to protect me?"

"You really don't know why I had to make you believe I was dead?" Dean looked down, "Cas, you're a shitty liar."

Cas' eyebrows shot up, "what does that have to do with anything?" he demanded.

Dean glanced at Cas, "you got questioned by the police. They would have known you were lying if I let you in on the plan."

Cas' mouth fell open, his expression changing completely, "you did it to keep me from going to jail."

"To protect you," Dean half-smiled, "and I'd like to say that I regret everything I did to try for a new start with you, but, really, the only regret I have is leaving you on Christmas Eve," he took another step closer, "I'm sorry for everything you went through, Cas."

"You still want to be with me after everything?" Cas asked, his voice barely audible.

Dean rolled his eyes, "especially after all that," he finally reached for Cas' hand, gently touching it, "all that bullshit is in the past. We're safe now, okay?"

Cas' eyes darted to Dean's hand, "you can't promise that."

"No, I can't," Dean agreed, "but, what I can promise is that at this moment in time, the only place I want to be is here with you," he laced his fingers with Cas', "I love you, Cas. I knew it the moment I saw you," he squeezed Cas' hand, "so, it's up to you. If you can't forgive me, I'll leave you alone...but, if you decide to give me one last chance, I'll be staying at Jo's place," he lifted Cas' hand, kissing his knuckles before turning to leave.

"Wait," Cas' voice surprised Dean as he reached for the doorknob, "please."

"What is it?" Dean turned around to face Cas, who had followed him to the door.

"Please don't leave," Cas grabbed Dean's hand, "not again."

"If that's what you want," Dean whispered, feeling goosebumps all over his body.

"I want this," Cas' voice was hoarse; Dean could see tears in his eyes.

Dean cupped Cas' cheek with his free hand, leaning in closer, "don't cry, Cas," he murmured, pressing their foreheads together, "I love you," he kissed the tip of Cas' nose, gently stroking his cheek.

Cas finally hugged Dean, clutching to his t-shirt, "I love you, Dean," he let go, locking eyes with him, "but if you ever pull something like that again, I'll-"

"I already got the death threats," Dean assured Cas, chuckling to himself.

"Oh, no. I could never kill you," Cas raised an eyebrow, "I would, however, let the police know that you're alive and well," he added, smirking, "are we clear?"

"Crystal," Dean said quickly.

"Good," Cas tugged Dean's hand, pulling him back to the bedroom.

Dean went with the flow. He followed Cas to the familiar room, shutting the door behind him. Before he could say anything, Cas lunged at him, crushing their lips together. The sudden assault made Dean stumble backwards into the wall. Cas only broke the kiss for a moment; his pupils were blown wide as he pulled his shirt off and pressed their lips together again, his hand playing with the buttons on Dean's flannel. Dean helped unbutton the shirt, letting it drop to the floor before wrapping his hands around Cas, pulling him closer.

The impromptu make out session caught Dean off guard. Cas was never like this, but Dean wasn't complaining. The skin on skin contact made him shiver, having nearly forgotten the wholeness he felt with Cas. It felt right. They were together and nothing would ever be more important than that.

Time was lost on Dean as he laid with Cas, kissing him desperately, his fingers tangled in Cas' disheveled hair. The closeness was almost overwhelming; each passing moment made him want Cas more. He pinned Cas down, playfully rolling his hips as he gently bit Cas' lip, "I want you," he growled, brushing his lips along Cas' jaw.

Cas tilted Dean's chin so he could look at him, "I haven't forgiven you that much," he touched Dean's cheek, "I'm tired anyway," Cas stole one last kiss before sitting up.

Dean rolled off Cas' lap, flopping down on his side, "it's definitely been a long day," he smiled as Cas sidled up to his chest.

"I'm glad you're back," Cas murmured, pulling up the blankets and settling in.

Dean draped his arm around Cas, closing his eyes, " me too," he breathed, letting himself doze off to the sound of Cas sleeping. His final thought before passing out made him the happiest man in the world. They were together. After everything they were finally together.

This time would be different. They had a shot to be happy at last. Dean couldn't even begin to guess what would come next, but what he did know was that he was never letting go of Cas again.

No more bullshit. No more pain. This was the happy ending they had fought for. Their relationship suffered for it, but at the end of the day, it was stronger because of everything that had happened. It all boiled down to one thing: they were better together.


	21. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After everything, Cas and Dean finally get their happy ending.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it.
> 
> The final, FINAL chapter of the series. 
> 
> There are no words to describe the feelings I'm feeling right now. I'm so happy to have the best readers in the whole wide world. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for all the kind words and support from day one. 
> 
> I won't ramble on forever, I know you're dying to read the ending.
> 
> Enjoy, my dear, sweet readers.

**October, 1977. Heaven Hills.**

Just over a year had passed since the night Dean and Cas reconciled. Things were rocky for a while, but every day got a little better and brought them closer together. Their bond was profound and Dean wouldn’t have exchanged it for anything. Cas was his entire world and he knew Cas felt the same way.

For the past six months, Dean and Cas had been living with Benny out in San Francisco. The room they shared was tiny, but they were happy. Cas had gotten a clerk job at a local market and Dean was working for under-the-table cash at Benny’s garage. It was a really enjoyable set-up; Dean was almost bummed when they had to go back to Heaven Hills for Gabe and Meg’s wedding.

In all honesty, Dean was excited for the wedding. He was just a little paranoid about going back to Heaven Hills. So far, the fake ID and such had worked and he’s also grown out his hair as an extra precaution, but he’d still have to be careful. That would never chance and he accepted it.

The wedding itself was going to be small. Meg wanted a quiet service and no flashy reception, but Gabe took matters into his own hands, recruiting Anna’s help to plan a party to celebrate. Cas was Gabe’s best man, which meant Dean hardly saw him once they got back in town. He spent the last few days before the wedding drinking with Ash, who was in a steady relationship with Anna.

As anxious as Dean was, he was also kind of dreading the suit and job that Gabe, who’d gone full-on groomzilla from the moment Meg said yes, had insisted on. The job? Flower girl. The suit? Pinker than those carnations stores sell for Valentine’s Day. Normally, Dean would have objected, but Gabe told Dean he’d forgive him for everything if he did this. So he had to say yes, for Cas. 

The morning of the wedding was chaotic to say the least. Dean and Cas had spent the night at a motel with Gabe, since it was bad luck to see the bride before the ceremony. Gabe had been awake since the crack of dawn, making sure everything was perfect and eventually whipped himself up into a paranoid frenzy. 

“Why isn’t Anna picking up the phone?” Gabe complained, slamming the receiver down for the fourth time in fifteen minutes, “I need to know if the DJ is-”

“Anna is taking care of it. I’m sure of it,” Cas said calmly, handing Gabe his tuxedo, “you need to focus on getting ready.”

Dean had never seen Gabe so on edge. He wondered what it must like to be getting married. Maybe it was completely terrifying, but Dean just couldn’t imagine being so nervous to take that kind of step with someone he cared so deeply for. He was actually jealous because he’d likely never be able to legally marry Cas.

“What if Meg changes her mind?” Gabe called from the bathroom, peeking his head out, “Cassy, I think I’m having a mental breakdown. I can’t do this.”

“Stop being dramatic, Gabe,” Cas folded his arms, “you’re getting worked up over silly things.”

“Yeah, man. You should be happy,” Dean grinned at Gabe, “I know for a fact that Meg isn’t panicking, so neither should you.”

“You love Meg, don’t you?” Cas asked, raising an eyebrow.

Gabe stepped out of the bathroom, shrugging into his suit coat, “I do love her,” he grabbed his tie off the coffee table, “I guess I might as well get hitched,” he added, smirking, “so that means you’re going to have to put that spectacular suit, Dean-o.”

“You’re really making me wear it?” Dean glanced at the suit, in all it’s glory, laid out on the bed, “it’s so pink…”

“I could always paint you yellow,” Gabe threatened playfully, “Cassy, you’re boyfriend is a wimp,” he added, snickering. 

“If it’s that much of an issue, I’ll just wear it and Dean can wear mine,” Cas said, clearly trying to prevent an argument.

“Flower girls wear pink,” Gabe wasn’t giving in, “Dean promised. Don’t make me go all groomzilla this close to showtime.”

“Fine, you win,” Dean rolled his eyes, “I’m only doing this because you’re Cas’ favorite brother.”

“You’re hilarious,” Gabe picked up the suit and gave it to Dean, “but we’ll see who has the last laugh.”

***

It’s not that bad, Dean,” Cas was clearly trying not to laugh, “I mean, it’s a little pink-”

“A little?” Dean groaned, “I look like the spokesperson for Pepto Bismol,” he complained, looking in the car mirror.

If the color wasn’t bad enough, the shirt was frilly, accented with a floral bow tie. Gabe made sure the suit was perfect for a flower girl, to Dean’s dismay. He deserved this...but that didn’t stop him from feeling humiliated. Which was probably the point. 

“I think you’re handsome,” Cas smiled shyly, “even with your long hair and stubble.”

Dean sighed, “easy for you to say. You’re wearing a black tux,” he adjusted his bow tie before turning to look at Cas, “Gabe’s only make me do this for revenge.”

“Gabe wouldn’t do that,” Cas paused, “well...maybe he would,” he laughed, “you just need to beat him at his own game.”

Dean wasn’t following, “how the hell do I do that?”

“Gabe clearly wants you to be embarrassed,” Cas explained, “so, don’t let him win.”

“Have you seen this suit, Cas?” Dean looked at the venue through the car window, “People are going to laugh.”

“I think we should go in and have fun,” Cas shut the car off, “don’t let my brother get to you.”

“I’m a freaking flower girl,” Dean folded his arms, “if you think people won’t laugh, you’re wrong.”

“Fuck ‘em then,” Cas said bluntly, touching Dean’s hand, “I know you’re bold enough to go in there and be the best damn flower girl the world has ever seen,” he leaned over and kissed Dean’s cheek, “and I’ll be there with you the whole time, okay?”

“Best flower girl ever,” Dean mused, snorting, “not a very masculine title.”

“What do you want to be called then?” Cas asked, still touching Dean’s hand.

“The Petal Pusher,” Dean grinned at Cas, who instantly rolled his eyes, “it sounds bad ass. Like a wrestler or something.”

“Alright, Petal Pusher, let’s go make sure Gabe hasn’t completely lost his mind,” Cas got out of the car and opened Dean’s door for him, “would you mind going to find Anna for me? Just to let her know we’re here.”

“Sure thing,” Dean walked into the venue, alongside Cas, holding the door for him before going inside.

Cas instantly made a beeline for the men’s room, leaving Dean in the lobby. It didn’t take long for Dean to find Anna. Before he couldn’t even look around, he heard his name.

“Oh good, you’re here, Dean,” Anna strolled over, looking exhausted, “is Cas here too?” she asked, yawning, as she checked something off on her clipboard. 

“He went to make sure Gabe hasn’t gone postal,” Dean nodded toward the bathrooms, “anything I can do to help? You look like-”

“Don’t finish that sentence if you want me to keep my opinions about your suit to myself,” Anna warned, “I haven’t slept yet,” she added, frowning, “today is never going to end.”

“Cas and I will cover for you after the ceremony,” Dean winked at Anna, “then you can sneak off and get some beauty sleep.” 

“My brother, whose wedding I single-handedly planned, will be a little upset if I ditch,” Anna handed the clipboard to Dean, “take this to Ash. He’s ushering and needs the guest list. I need to go get dressed.” 

“You got it,” Dean smiled at her, before heading toward the main entrance, where Ash was loitering, trying to knot his bow tie.

“I hate Gabe for choosing bow ties,” Ash complained, giving up and stuffing his tie into his pocket, “fuck this thing,” he finally looked up at Dean and covered his mouth, “Jesus, dude. You look like a gender confused Disney princess,” he laughed, “I guess we both hate Gabe.”

“It was the only way he’d forgive me for last year,” Dean gave the clipboard to Ash, “Anna told me to give this to you.”

“Thanks, pinky,” Ash was still smirking, “I think Anna’s wearing that same color-”

“Can it,” Dean interrupted, “I’m the Petal Pusher. I gotta look that part,” he said, more or less to convince himself that he didn’t look totally idiotic.

“No matter what you call it, you’re still tossing flower petals at a wedding,” Ash punched Dean’s arm, “Cas sure bagged himself a manly man.”

“I think we both know who has the bigger balls in this situation,” Dean raised an eyebrow, “unless, of course, you’d want to switch suits with me.”

“Point proven,” Ash chuckled, “you’re definitely king of the manly men.”

“Thank you,” Dean fixed his bow tie, “I’m gonna go see how the bride and groom are doing. Are we drinking tequila tonight?”

“Is there any other beverage for such a joyous day?” Ash grinned, “First round is on me, man.”

“I’ll hold you to that,” Dean clapped Ash on the shoulder before heading back to find everyone.

Anna and Meg were in one of the back rooms, relaxing, while they waited for the ceremony to start. Gabe, on the other hand, was belligerent by the time Dean found him, yelling at Cas, who looked terrified.

“Cassy, the cake should have been here five and a half minutes ago,” Gabe was visibly stressed, “no cake, no wedding! This is a disaster!”

“Whoa, man. Cool it. I just saw the cake lady walking in,” Dean cut in, stepping in between Gabe and Cas, “everything is under control, so chill.”

“That’s what I told him,” Cas mumbled.

“This is the biggest day of my life. Excuse me for being a little anxious,” Gabe folded his arms petulantly, “one day you guys will understand and I’ll be happy to rub it in your smug little faces.”

“You really need to chill,” Dean didn’t move, “people are showing up and you need to be ready to walk out there in ten minutes,” he straightened out Gabe’s tie, “Meg and Anna are relaxing with some wine. They aren’t worrying and neither should you.”

“Get me a can of beer,” Gabe demanded, holding out his hand.

Cas reached over to the cooler and pulled a can of beer out of the ice, handing it to Gabe, “just a few sips Gabe.”

Gabe snatched the beer, pulling out his keys, stabbing the bottom with one of them before cracking it and shotgunning the whole thing, “let’s do this,” he crushed the can against the side of his head, belching.

“Like I said, a few sips,” Cas rolled his eyes.

A knock on the door made the trio jump. Ash poked his head inside, “all the guests are here. We need Cas and Dean out front,” he leaned on the door frame, “Dean, you can hang back with Meg.”

“Roger that,” Dean ushered Gabe and Cas out of the room, stealing a quick kiss from Cas before joining Meg, Anna and a man he’d never met, whom he assumed was Meg’s father.

“They’ll be starting soon,” Dean shut the door behind him, “you sure you want to marry groomzilla, Meg?”

“What can I say, Dean-o. I love the idiot,” Meg smirked at Dean, “mostly for his outstanding taste in suits.”

“Laugh all you want. I’m going to be the best petal pusher the world has ever seen,” Dean rebutted, making Meg snort.

“You have a grown man as a flower girl, sweetheart?” the man, Dean assumed was Meg’s dad, asked, visibly amused.

“It was Gabriel’s idea,” Meg laughed airily, “if you knew Gabe like I did, it wouldn’t be all that surprising.”

“As long as my little angel is happy,” the dad man kissed the top of Meg’s head.

“It’s showtime,” Anna got up, hearing the music start outside, “I’m going to go sit down. Dean, when the wedding march starts, you head out first. Meg and Mr. Masters will follow afterwards. I’ll have a seat next to me for you in front, Dean.”

“Go sit down, Anna. I got this,” Dean assured her.

“Really?” Anna reached under her chair and pulled out a basket of fabric flower petals, “you don’t even have your flowers-”

Dean took the basket, “I got this,” he repeated, smiling to emphasize his point.

Reluctantly, Anna went to find her seat, leaving Dean with Meg and Mr. Masters. This was the first wedding Dean had ever been to and it was truly exciting. Sure, he was still trying to pretend that he wasn’t wearing an alarmingly pink suit, but mostly he was happy. He was positive this wedding would be unforgettable. 

Dean’s music cue played and he winked at Meg, saluting her before making his way out into the hall, where everyone awaited the bride. Inhaling slowly, he strolled down the makeshift aisle, grinning smugly at Gabe as he tossed the fake petals en route to the altar. There were a few chortles in the audience, which made him blush, until he locked eyes with Cas, who was smiling. Instantly, the embarrassment faded. Cas was here and that was all that really mattered to Dean.

As soon as Dean found his seat next to Anna, the bride’s cue started and everyone stood for Meg. She was beaming as she walked down the aisle with her dad. Once she was with Gabe, the ceremony began. It was short and sweet- no religious speech. Just the vows Gabe and Meg had written.

“Meggles, from the night we met at that Kappa mixer, I knew you were the only bird for me,” Gabe half-smiled, “and I was sold when I found out you were a gymnast,” he waggled his eyebrows, earning an eye roll from Meg, “so, how about you just say ‘I do’ because I fucking love you, babe.”

Meg was clearly trying not to laugh as she started her vows, “when I met you, Gabe, you were puking into a fountain and I thought to myself, ‘why not?’,” she shrugged, “who would have thought we’d fall in love,” she raised an eyebrow, “but, I guess I’m glad we did. You’re an okay dude and I fucking love you too, handsome.”

“Oh, for Pete’s sake,” Anna whispered, visibly mortified by the bride and groom’s choice of words.

The priest was momentarily speechless before clearing his throat, “Gabriel, do you take Megan to be your lawfully wedded wife?”

“Hell yeah, I do,” Gabe put the ring on Meg’s finger.

“Right then,” the priest shifted uncomfortably, “Megan, do you take Gabriel to be your lawfully wedded husband?”

Meg grinned smugly, “Why not,” she slipped Gabe’s ring on.

“I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride,” the priest looked away as Gabe and Meg practically assaulted one another, sloppily making out, putting on a show for everyone, as cheers erupted. 

It took hardly any time at all for an all-out celebration to overtake the hall. Dean lost track of how much he had to drink, but it was okay. He hadn’t had this much fun in years. Even Cas was at giggly drunk level and was unafraid of public displays of affection. 

After a few hours of dancing and drinking, Gabe had gotten a hold of the DJ’s microphone, tapping it to get everyone’s attention, “hey all,” his voice silenced the hall, “I just wanna take you all for coming, you know, since I won’t be until later,” he snickered, pulling Meg over, “we’re grateful for everything and have a surprise for our lovely wedding planner.”

Anna, who was standing next to Dean and Cas, looked worried. Cas nudged her, “was this planned?” he asked quietly, as Gabe handed the microphone to Ash.

“Nope,” Anna’s eyes widened as Ash started talking.

“I met Anna a year back, at the diner, my first time in Heaven Hills,” Ash was uncharacteristically fidgety, “she was and continues to be the most incredible girl I’ve ever met,” he looked at Anna, “come on up here, beautiful.”

Anna shook her head, looking like a deer in headlights, “really, I’m fine right here-”

“Anna banana, get your ass up here,” Gabe yelled drunkenly into the microphone.

Dean had a feeling he knew exactly what was about to happen, so he gently shoved Anna, “just humor him, Anna.”

“Oh, fine, I’m going,” Anna joined Ash in front of the crowd, waving shyly, “hi, all.”

At that moment, Ash got down on one knee and pulled out a small, velvet box, “Anna Novak, will you marry me?” he asked, opened the box, “I know you hate diamonds, so I got you a ruby because it reminds me of your hair.”

Anna gasped, “I,” she stared at Ash, the wedding guests collectively inhaling in anticipation.

“Say yes,” Cas breathed, grabbing Dean’s hand.

“Of course I will,” Anna helped Ash up, hugging him as soon as the ring was on her finger.

The entire room went crazy with whistles and applause. Dean wasn’t expecting a proposal at the wedding, but it was a welcome surprise. He was truly ecstatic for Anna and Ash. They deserved one another and it made for an even more exciting party. 

As the night went on, Dean and Cas were inseparable. They both drank entirely too much and had taken to dancing. Dean was fixated on the idea of marriage. It seemed like everyone was getting hitched and, truth be told, he was jealous. He’d give anything to marry Cas. It wasn’t fair that it was impossible.

During a slow song, Cas and Dean swayed together on the dance floor. Cas nuzzled Dean’s neck, making him shiver and tighten his grip on him, “hey, Cas?” he asked, still hugging him close.

Cas looked up at Dean, his eyes lidded, “what is it?”

“Would you ever marry me?” Dean couldn’t hold back his curiosity any longer. Seeing all the happy couples made him decide that one day he would marry Cas. Somehow.

Cas rolled his eyes, “duh,” he kissed Dean, “I would marry the crap out of you, Dean,” his words were slurred and he tasted like bourbon, but Dean believed him.

Now, Dean just had to figure out how to put his plan in motion. Considering the legality of the plan, he knew it wouldn’t be an immediate thing, but, now the idea was in his head. He may not be able to marry Cas today or even in the next year...but one day he would. That was for certain.

\---

**August, 1985. Massachusetts.**

After nearly a decade in California, everything was finally starting to come together. Cas had gotten a degree in English and after a seemingly hopeless job hunt, landed himself a position, writing for a newspaper. The only problem was that it required moving across the country to Massachusetts. Initially, Cas was afraid to tell Dean because of their financial situation.

Even though Cas had his degree, he was still working at the same job as a grocery clerk. Dean and Cas weren’t completely broke, but a cross country move was a risk. If things didn’t work out in Massachusetts, they’d be screwed. Cas only had a week to accept the job offer, so he had to come up with a plan. To his surprise, Dean was overjoyed about the news and agreed to move without hesitation. Before Cas knew it, they were house hunting on the east coast.

It was all so surreal. After about ten years together, and enough drama to inspire playwrights for centuries, Cas was finally getting a place with Dean. Somewhere that would truly be theirs. Cas had a vision of his dream house and finding that house quickly turned into a nightmare. None of the places felt right. They didn’t have that certain something that made a house a home. Six houses later, Cas was getting discouraged. Living out of a hotel just wasn’t an option.

“This is hopeless,” Cas sighed, starting his beat up old Buick, “we’re never going to find the perfect place,” he glanced at Dean, “we have to go back to San Francisco the day after tomorrow. What if we don’t find a place?”

Dean didn’t look worried. Instead, he smiled, “we still have one more house to check out,” he played with the radio, stopping on an Eagles song, “I’m not saying anything about that house, but trust me when I tell you that you’re going to shit when you see it tomorrow.”

“God, I hope not,” Cas frowned, “that would be unpleasant for both of us.”

“Stop being so literal,” Dean rolled his eyes, “you know what I meant.”

“Sorry. I’m just a little stressed out,” Cas mumbled, driving back toward their hotel, “I just really need this to work out for us.”

“I picked the last house out myself. Trust me, Cas,” Dean grinned at him, “you’re going to love it.”

***

“I don’t see why I need to wear a blindfold,” Cas complained, only half-serious, as Dean drove him to the mystery house the following morning.

“Because I want to see the look on your face when you see it,” Dean said excitedly, “so, no peeking.”

“Fine,” Cas folded his arms, “you win.”

The ride to the house was short- or at least it seemed short. It was odd how team lost it’s meaning with a blindfold. Maybe it had been over an hour. Cas truly had no idea.

“We’re here,” Dean said after a while, shutting the car off, “I’ll help you. Don’t look yet.”

“You’re ridiculous,” Cas let Dean help him out of the car and up two steps before they stopped, “can I see it now?”

Dean pulled off Cas’ blindfold, “surprise!”

Cas blinked a few times, adjusting to the brightness. When everything came into focus, he gasped. Literally gasped. 

The house was the most beautiful thing Cas had ever seen. It was a small, white and blue colonial, complete with a white picket fence. There was even a garden. Everything about the house drew Cas in. He was speechless.

Dean squeezed Cas’ hand, “I told you you’d love it,” he whispered.

“I want this house,” Cas breathed, fixated on every detail of the property. This was the house he dreamed about. It was right there in front of him. 

Dean chuckled, “don’t you want to see the inside first?” he asked, as their realtor pulled up behind the Buick.

Cas nodded enthusiastically, tugging at Dean’s hand, “let’s go,” he glanced at their realtor, “Zeke, did Dean really pick this one out on his own?”

Zeke pulled out a key, “Dean insisted that this was the one,” he lead them up the front steps and unlocked the front door, “it’s a fixer-upper, but the current owners are selling it for a fantastic price,” he let Cas and Dean inside, “I’ll let you two have a look around. I need to make a phone call.”

“Thanks, man,” Dean closed the door, turning to Cas, “so, what do you think?”

Cas hardly acknowledged Dean. He was enamored with the interior. It definitely needed some TLC, but it already felt like home, which was a vast improvement over the last few houses. This house had character. 

The wallpaper was faded and the wood was weathered throughout, but it only added to the charm. Cas made his way through each room, Dean following close behind. Despite the lack of furniture and decor, Cas would have moved in the moment he walked inside. He could see himself growing old with Dean here; the thought made him smile.

“I love this house, Dean,” Cas said finally, lacing his fingers with Dean’s as they made their way back to the front room, “this is the one.”

“We have a winner?” Dean seemed anxious for some reason.

“I think we should put in an offer,” Cas said excitedly, “we could probably get a good deal because of the work that needs to be done,” he paused, realizing he had no idea where he was, “how far are we from the city? I don’t want a long commute every morning.”

“You won’t have to drive at all because there’s a train stop a couple of blocks away,” Dean had clearly done his house hunting homework, “so, you like the house?” he asked again.

“I love it. I’ve said it ten times,” Cas laughed, beaming at Dean, “it’s perfect for us.”

“I’m glad you think so,” Dean pulled Cas close, hugging him around the waist, “because it’s ours.”

Cas stared at Dean, “what?”

“I knew this was the house you’d want, so, I put in an offer the day we got here,” Dean chuckled, “when I said I went to check out Fenway, I might have lied about where I went.”

“You...bought me a house,” Cas felt dizzy, “my dream house,” he whispered, feeling tears in his eyes.

“Well, technically we bought it,” Dean wiped a tear from Cas’ cheek, “but, I think it still counts as an early anniversary gift,” he added, smirking playfully.

“I can’t believe you did this,” Cas kissed Dean, “but, I’m glad you did.”

“The moment I saw it, I knew this was the one,” Dean let go of Cas and reached into his pocket, “Zeke has my keys, but, here’s yours,” he gave a keyring to Cas, “we can move in as soon as we want. It’s really ours.”

Cas hugged Dean again, “I love you,” he murmured, unable to contain his joy.

“Thank god you’re not mad,” Dean squeezed Cas, “I figured there was a fifty-fifty chance, so I just went for it.”

Cas released Dean, “that was risky,” he raised an eyebrow, “but, I guess you’ve always been the risk-taker,” he glanced at the keys in his hands, “which is a good thing. Otherwise we wouldn’t have a house right now.”

“I’ve been behaving with the risk taking thing,” Dean paused, “well, except for that time I tried fire blasting and caught your roses on fire last month,” he added, grinning sheepishly.

“I think a house makes up for that,” Cas rolled his eyes, “I wasn’t that angry about my roses.”

“You were pretty upset,” Dean shrugged, “I guess I should have tried blowing fire outside though.”

Cas snorted, “I still don’t know what possessed you to spit vodka at a lit match in our room.”

“Would you be mad if I told you I tried it because I saw it on TV?” Dean half-smiled, “You have to understand, seeing stunts like that on TV makes me want to try it out.”

“You sound like Gabe,” Cas folded his arms, “at least he does his stunts outside.”

By now, Cas should have been used to ridiculous stunts. Between growing up with Gabe and living with Dean for the latter part of a decade, mischief was practically a daily occurrance. But, for some reason, Cas couldn’t help but be shocked when Dean did something that was borderline idiotic. Fire blasting indoors, for example.

“Come on, let’s not fight. I promise I’ll do my stunts outside from now on,” Dean put his arm around Cas, “we should be celebrating our new life here.”

“Can we stay here tonight?” Cas asked, “You weren’t lying about buying the house, were you?”

Dean followed Cas outside, “the house is ours, but Cas, we don’t have any furniture. The hotel-”

“I want to sleep in our house tonight,” Cas said stubbornly, noticing their realtor’s car was gone and a set of keys was on the passenger seat of the Buick, “Zeke was in on the surprise, wasn’t he?”

“I gave him an extra fifty bucks to help me surprise you,” Dean leaned against the car, watching Cas.

“Well, it worked,” Cas opened the trunk and pulled out the sleeping bags he never put away after their last camping trip, a few months back. He tossed one to Dean, “we’re sleeping here tonight.”

“Roughing it like we used to,” Dean chuckled, “I’ll go grab our stuff from the hotel and get some dinner for us,” he walked back up to the house with Cas, “will you be okay here while I’m gone?”

Cas nodded, “I want to explore the house,” he took Dean’s sleeping bag, “don’t be too long though,” he put the bags next to the door, “we don’t have nosy roommates here.”

Dean’s eyebrows shot up, “that is so true,” he winked, “I won’t be long,” he pulled Cas into a quick hug, kissing the top of his head, “love you.”

The words never ceased to give Cas goosebumps, “love you too,” he whispered automatically, pressing his lips to Dean’s before letting him leave. 

Ten years ago, Cas would have never thought a normal life with Dean was possible. They had come so far and taking this kind of step together made Cas realize how much he truly loved Dean. The hard times were in the past. Now they had a house and the potential for a real life happy ending. 

Cas couldn’t wait for the rest of his and Dean’s lives. He didn’t know what the future had in store, but if the house was a sign of good things to come, he’s welcome it with open arms. With his past what it was, the only direction to go was forward. He was happy and in love and that was worth more than anything in the world.

\-----

**May, 2004. Massachusetts.**

Moving to Massachusetts with Cas nearly twenty years back was a decision Dean didn’t regret. It had been almost thirty years since he met Cas and every day since then had been an adventure. Like any couple, they had good and bad days, but the good definitely outnumbered the bad. Especially since moving into the house. 

Cas’ writing job worked out for a good fifteen years- he was even editor-in-chief for a while, but chose to work from home so he could dedicate time to writing his novel. Dean was so proud of everything Cas had accomplished; his little backyard garage was nothing compared to Cas’ success. But, they were both making a living doing what they loved and Dean couldn’t have been happier. 

 

Since moving to Massachusetts, Dean had made an extra effort to keep in touch with everyone who had been there for him and Cas all those years ago; particularly Sam, Anna and Gabe. Sam and Jess had gotten married back in ‘83 and were currently living in London. Anna had also gotten married, to Ash, but it only lasted a year; she couldn’t live a drifter lifestyle and they divorced, but remained close friends. Gabe, on the other hand, was happily married to his third wife, Josie, who definitely gave Gabe a run for his money with her flawless sarcasm and fiery personality. 

There was also Charlie and Hannah, who moved to Massachusetts several years back because the Pacific Northwest was boring without Dean and Cas. Charlie said that annual weekend visits weren’t cutting it anymore. Dean had grown so fond of the girls and saw them as sisters, so he didn’t mind having them close. Even Cas was excited about it. Seeing Cas giddy with excitement over Charlie and Hannah moving to the east coast reminded Dean that they had grown up so much. 

There were times Dean had to stop and remember that he was in his mid-forties. Time had gone by so fast and so much had changed since the seventies. He liked where he was with Cas, but there was one thought that made his happiness bittersweet. Dean still hadn’t done the one thing he wanted to do from the moment he realized he was in love.

Marry Cas.

After over a quarter of a century, the desire to marry Cas hadn’t faded. It was number one on Dean’s bucket list. For years, there had been talk of legalizing gay marriage, which gave him hope. He’d bought an engagement ring years ago, so he wouldn’t have to waste any time marrying Cas if by some fluke marriage equality came through.

It was mid-May, a day like any other. Dean woke to Cas sleeping soundly, his arm draped around Dean’s stomach. They had breakfast and watched the news before parting ways to get some work done. Cas busied himself at the computer while Dean headed out to the garage to finish replacing the transmission in an old Mustang. A normal morning by most standards.

When Dean got to his garage, he flipped on the radio and got to work, humming along to the music. He liked fixing cars. It was like a puzzle. If all the pieces weren’t in the right spot, the car wouldn’t work. Ever since he was a kid, he liked cars; now he loved the tax-free money he made fixing them in his somewhat-legitimate garage. He considered it a hobby that he got paid for, so it was perfect. 

Even after decades of being Dean Martin, he still couldn’t legally get a job with just a fake ID. It was a good fake, thanks to Charlie, but, he needed actual paperwork to back it up, which he lacked. This could potentially screw him with getting married, but, he knew he’d sort it out when the time came. Dean learned not to stress about the ifs in life and focus on the present. 

Usually, Dean didn’t pay attention to the radio when he worked. It was basically just background noise because he hated silence. But, today, the DJ’s voice caught his attention, so he listened as he was elbow-deep in the Mustang, attempting to loosen a stripped, rusty screw.

_“Sorry to interrupt your commercial-free hour of music, folks, but, something huge it happening right now at the State House. Today, marriages between same-sex couples has officially been legalized. I guess we should start calling ourselves the Gay State. Bravo, Massachusetts. I think I speak for most of us when I say: It’s about freaking time!”_

The news made Dean snap his head up, colliding with the hood of the car. Cursing in pain, he stepped away from the car, staring at the radio, “I can’t believe it,” he breathed, a smile overtaking his face, “they really lifted the ban,” he shut the radio off and instantly called Charlie.

“I was just going to call you,” was Charlie’s greeting, “I take it you heard the amazing news.”

“Is it really true?” Dean leaned on his workbench, “because if it is, I may need your help.”

“You’re going to propose to Cas, aren’t you?” Charlie sounded excited, “You realize that Hannah is going to want to marry you guys. She gets certified officially in just over a week.”

“Hannah can marry me and Cas?” Dean couldn’t help grinning, “Even if I have this whole alter ego thing?”

“I’ll help her take care of all that,” Charlie assured Dean, “I just need to forge some documents and hack a few systems. It’ll work.”

“How long will that take?” Dean would have dragged Cas to Charlie’s apartment to get married at that moment if it was possible. They had waited long enough. 

“Give me like two weeks. How soon did you two want to get hitched?” Charlie rustled some papers on her end, “Because once Hannah’s all certified, and I get the paperwork settled, we can do this.” 

“I’ll marry Cas the moment you give the word. Two weeks is actually long enough to get some sort of reception together,” Dean was already starting to plan out everything in his head, “or at least make a few calls to have people come out for a day to celebrate. Just keep this a surprise.”

“Should I call Cas’ sister for support?” Charlie suggested, “She plans weddings, doesn’t she?”

“I’ll call Anna myself. I kind of want to run this by her,” Dean chuckled, “I guess I’m a little old fashioned.”

“I completely understand,” Charlie paused, “this doesn’t mean we’re getting old, does it?”

“Well, we’re closer to fifty than forty,” Dean didn’t feel old. Sure, sometimes the arthritis in his leg acted up, but that didn’t mean he was old. He was young at heart.

“Thanks for reminding me, Dean,” Charlie laughed, “I’m going to go have a chat with Hannah. I’ll be in touch.”

Dean put his phone on the workbench, “I guess Operation Happily Ever After is a go,” he mused, flipping the radio back on. It was still early where Anna was, but he planned to get her one board by the end of the day. This was happening and Dean knew it would take a herculean effort on his part to not spoil the surprise for Cas. 

The rest of the day was entirely unproductive for Dean, unless making phone calls back and forth to Charlie and Anna, as well as getting an earful from Gabe counted as productivity. He was relieved that Anna and Gabe got on board with the idea of a surprise wedding. In the back of his mind, Dean was afraid that Cas wouldn’t want to change what they had, but at the same time, he remembered what Cas said at Gabe’s first wedding back in ‘77.

_“I’d marry the crap out of you, Dean.”_

Dean hoped that hadn’t changed.

***

Over the next week, wedding plans had gone from dream to reality. Anna had taken care of inviting people, as well as planning a reception. However, in the days leading up to the wedding, Dean was beginning to stress. Things were moving so fast and he felt guilty sneaking around to see everyone who had come for the reception. The day before the wedding, Cas was still oblivious of the plan; he had no idea what was to come.

Aside from family members, Dean was genuinely surprised at how many people had actually shown up. Anna wanted a meeting at the hotel so everyone was on the same page, so Dean told Cas he needed to get motor oil and escaped. He was speechless when he saw that not only Anna, Gabe, Sam and his mom were there, but also Jo, Chuck, Benny and Ruby, along with a bunch of plus-ones.

The final game plan was to get Cas out of the house the following day by ten in the morning. Dean would leave the back door unlocked, so everyone could get inside while he spent the day with Cas. He’d take Cas out to lunch and essentially waste a few hours, before heading to the park, where Charlie and Hannah would be loitering near the gazebo. At precisely 1:30, Dean would pop the question and Hannah would conveniently be there with Charlie to perform the ceremony. After their vows, they would return to the house, where everyone would be waiting.

It was a fool-proof plan. Unless, of course, Cas said no. But, Dean honestly didn’t think that would happen. They had been together for so long. At this point, separation wasn’t an option. If Cas didn’t want to get married, Dean would drop it and play off the reception as a surprise belated birthday party for Cas. After all, he didn’t need a piece of paper to tell him that he loved Cas. Dean already knew that. 

Dean had known that from the moment he saw Cas.

After a quick round of goodbyes, and a promise to text if the plan went south, Dean left the hotel and went back home, so Cas wouldn’t get suspicious. Even with his limp, it only took Dean ten minutes to get to the auto place. He’d been gone almost an hour, so he hustled to get back home.

Cas was typing at the computer when Dean walked in. He looked up, smiling tiredly, “did you find that motor oil?” he asked, getting up to join Dean in the living room.

“It’s already in the garage,” Dean toed out of his work boots and took a seat on the sofa, “I ran into Bart and he started going on about some crappy movie,” Dean lied, rolling his eyes to make his story more convincing, “that kid can talk.”

Cas sidled up to Dean on the couch, “he sounds like you back in the day,” he murmured, resting his head on Dean’s shoulder, “except he’s not as cocky as you were.”

“I couldn’t help being cocky,” Dean played with Cas’ hair, “I was dating the cutest guy in school.”

Cas sat up, raising a quizzical eyebrow, “you’re sucking up. What did you do?”

“What, can’t a guy be romantic?” Dean grinned, “I thought you liked romance, Cas,” he leaned in, brushing their tips together, “my T’hy’la.”

Cas snorted, shoving Dean playfully, “are you trying to seduce me with Star Trek references?” he chuckled.

“Maybe,” Dean pulled Cas closer, stealing a kiss, “and you can’t call me a nerd because you understood the reference,” he added, smirking.

“I need to finish writing this chapter, Dean,” Cas touched Dean’s cheek for a moment before standing up, “rain check?” he asked, turning to look at Dean again.

“Alright,” Dean winked at Cas, “I’ll stay out of your hair today, but tomorrow we’re spending the whole day together. Deal?”

Cas nodded slowly, leaning down to kiss Dean again, “deal,” he whispered, before disappearing into the computer room.

When Cas was gone, Dean pulled out his phone and shot a quick text to Charlie:

_Tomorrow is a go. See you then._

***

Dean hardly slept that night. Unlike Cas, who passed out almost instantly and was out for a solid seven hours. Insomnia never bothered Dean when Cas was there. After all this time, listening to Cas sleep was still one of the little pleasures that Dean cherished. 

“Since when are you awake before me?” Cas’ sleep-addled voice snapped Dean to the present, as he snuggled up to Dean’s chest.

“I didn’t mean to wake you,” Dean hugged Cas gently, “I was trying to be quiet. You looked so content.”

“I still am,” Cas mumbled, “can we stay here all day?”

“I get you to myself all day. We’re going out,” Dean kissed the top of Cas’ head, “so, shower and get ready. I’m going to make us some joe to go.”

Cas sat up, yawning as he stretched, “where are we going?”

“I figured we could check out that new record shop downtown. Maybe grab a bite to eat,” Dean glanced at the alarm clock. It was nearly nine. Just over an hour to get out of the house. 

Cas slid out of the blankets and stood up, “it’s supposed to be nice outside later. If your leg is up to it, we should take a walk in the park on the way home,” he suggested, “it’s Sunday, so I’m sure there will be people panhandling with their instruments.”

Dean had to resist the urge to laugh at how perfectly everything was working out. He slowly got out of bed, bracing himself on the nightstand as the usual morning pain in his leg flared up. Cas walked over and helped Dean stand upright.

“Thanks,” Dean squeezed Cas’ hand, “my leg is fine. I’d love to hit the park later,” he insisted, walking off the pain, following Cas out into the hall, “I’ll be out in the kitchen when you’re ready.”

“I won’t be long,” Cas smiled at Dean before slipping into the bathroom. 

While Cas showered, Dean made a pot of coffee and got dressed. He pocketed the ring he’d bought ages ago, that he’d hidden in the false bottom of his nightstand drawer. Today it would finally find a home on Cas’ finger. Dean was filled to the brim with excitement. 

Tucking the ring into his pocket, Dean went out to the kitchen and unlocked the backdoor, while he waited for Cas. By quarter of ten, they headed out, coffee in hand. With less than four hours until the biggest moment of Dean’s life, he tried his hardest to brace himself. He had to keep his cool until then. 

Since there was plenty of time to kill, Dean decided a detour through the Farmer’s Market was a good idea. It was too early for lunch, so he split an orange with Cas as they browsed. It was a beautiful day and Dean could tell that Cas was cheerful, which made him less nervous about everything that was to come. Sure, he was still internally freaking out, but less so since everything was going off without a hitch. 

The record shop was a bust. Everything was overpriced and seeing new music on vinyl frustrated Dean. It was a punch in the face to the classics. Upon realizing there was mostly new stuff in the shop, Dean and Cas decided to get some lunch instead. The market had wasted enough time, so Dean wouldn’t have to stretch out lunch for hours, to his delight. Stalling wasn’t one of his strong suits when he was still stressed.

Lunch was fairly predictable. Dean ordered a burger and Cas opted for a salad, although he kept sneaking fries off of Dean’s plate. It happened like clockwork every time they went out to eat. Dean almost laughed when Cas started talking about the weather, right on cue, after the fries were gone. Considering the afternoon Dean had planned, it was a fairly normal day out.

“Still up for a walk in the park?” Cas asked, as they left the restaurant.

Dean laced his fingers with Cas’ when they were outside, “definitely,” he gave him a quick peck on the cheek, tugging him in the direction of the park. 

They walked, hand-in-hand, enjoying the mild spring day. Dean caught sight of Cas’ watch, which made his stomach churn. The gazebo was in sight, with about ten minutes to spare. By the time they reached the gazebo, Dean’s heart was racing. He didn’t realize he had a vice-grip on Cas’ hand until they stopped.

“Are you okay?” Cas looked concerned, “You’re crushing my hand.”

Dean loosened his grip, “sorry about that,” he smiled apologetically, “I’ve just got a lot on my mind.”

“Anything I can help with?” Cas squeezed Dean’s hand, “You know you can tell me anything.”

Dean pulled Cas’ hand up, so he could kiss his knuckles, “I know. That’s kind of what’s on my mind,” he felt his cheeks burning, “I need to talk to you, Cas.”

Cas raised an eyebrow, “what about?”

Dean inhaled slowly, reaching into his pocket for the ring, “actually, it’s a question.”

Cas was visibly confused, “okay,” he said slowly, “what’s the question?”

Dean carefully got down on one knee, ignoring the pain in his leg, “I was just wondering if you’d marry me,” he let go of Cas’ hand so he could show im the ring. His hands were shaking from the adrenaline rush of proposing.

Cas covered his mouth, staring, wide-eyed, at Dean, tears in his eyes. He wordlessly helped Dean up and put the ring on, before tackling him with a hug, “yes,” he whispered, kissing Dean, “of course I will, Dean.”

A wave a relief rushed over Dean. He was positive there were tears of joy in his eyes, but he didn’t care. This was the happiest moment of his entire life. No one could take that away from him. He was on cloud nine.

“Would you marry me right now?” Dean cupped Cas’ cheek in his hand, kissing him again, savoring the moment.

“Right now?” Cas broke the kiss, giving Dean a quizzical look, “Don’t weddings take a ton of planning and paperwork?”

“Hannah!” Charlie’s voice came out of nowhere, “We have a couple of gays who want to get married over here,” she strolled over, grinning broadly, Hannah close behind her, “hey boys. We couldn’t help but overhear that you two need a pastor.”

“Charlie? Hannah?” Cas looked baffled, “Dean, what’s going on?”

Before Dean could explain, Charlie chimed in, “your fiancee got me and Hannah on board to surprise you,” she said cheerfully, “isn’t that right, Hannah?”

“I can legally perform marriages now,” Hannah said proudly, “I’d be honored if you two were my first wedding.”

“Charlie got all the paperwork sorted out, so, what do you say, Cas?” Dean nudged him, “Haven’t we waited long enough?”

Cas was thoughtful for a moment, “let’s do it,” he said, finally grinning, “let’s get married right now.”

Charlie clapped her hands together excitedly, “finally!”

“I won’t do all the religious bits, so, if it’s alright with you two, you can say whatever vows you want and I’ll seal the deal,” Hannah pulled an envelope out of her coat pocket, “and then I’ll give you this fancy marriage certificate,” she walked into the gazebo, “Charlie brought a camera. Why don’t we do it in here.”

Dean walked up the steps to the gazebo with Cas and joined Hannah. Charlie instantly started snapping pictures. When they were situated, Hannah began.

“I assume you’ve already prepared your vows, Dean?” Hannah smiled, “You can say yours first, so Cas can come up with something to say since I think we caught him off guard.”

“Fine by me,” Dean took Cas’ hands in his own, “Castiel Novak, there’s no one I would rather be standing here with than you. I knew you were special from the moment we first locked eyes back in English class our senior year. I had no idea what the future had in store back then, but I knew you would be a part of it. For almost thirty years you’ve been here for me, through thick and thin. I don’t have the vocabulary to tell you how much you mean to me, but I will say one thing. I love you, Cas. I always have and always will,” he cleared his throat, feeling a lump rising up, “forever.”

“Oh, Dean,” Cas whispered, tears in his eyes.

“Cas, your turn,” Hannah wiped a tear from her eye.

“Had I been given more than ten minutes, I could have come up with a hundred different ways to tell you that I love you. But, it would all essentially mean just that,” Cas squeezed Dean’s hands, “I love you. I was smitten from day one and even today you never cease to make me feel butterflies. We’ve been to Hell and back over the years, but we’re stronger because of it. I never believed in soulmates or true love before I met you and I’m truly grateful that you’ve opened my eyes to how beautiful life can be. You’re my soulmate, Dean,” he lowered his voice, “Winchester,” he added in a whisper, “and I’m going to love you until I take my last breath in this life.”

Dean felt his heart skip a beat. He hadn’t used that name since before he faked his death, but he understood why Cas used it. Cas knew the real him. He always had and loved him regardless of what his name was.

“Writers, man,” Dean blinked through some fresh tears, “I can’t believe you just made that up.”

“I’ve been dreaming about this day for like thirty years, Dean,” Cas half-smiled, “I wasn’t going to let you show me up.”

“Unless anyone has any objections, I’d really like to pronounce these two husband and husband,” Hannah glanced at Charlie, who rolled her eyes.

“Get on with it,” Charlie said, in her best Monty Python-esque voice, making everyone laugh.

“In that case, Dean, do you take Cas to be your lawfully wedded husband?” Hannah turned her attention to Dean.

Dean had waited years for this moment and it was finally here. He locked eyes with Cas, like they did the day they met, “I do,” he said confidently, a smile overtaking his face.

“And, Cas, do you take Dean to be your lawfully wedded husband?” Hannah looked at Cas.

“Of course I do,” Cas was beaming, his eyes glistening with tears.

“Well then, it’s my distinct pleasure to pronounce you husband and husband,” Hannah touched their shoulders, “so, kiss already!”

Dean had never lunged at Cas so fast in all the years he’d known him. Their lips met and the invisible fireworks that had always been there, erupted like the fourth of July. It seemed like an eternity before they parted. Dean hugged Cas close, never wanting the moment to end. After everything, they were finally here at the happy ending they both craved so desperately. 

“If you two are done making out, I think we need to celebrate,” Charlie clapped Dean on the shoulder, “let’s get drunk like we did for Cas’ twenty-first birthday down in Los Angeles.”

“I’m never getting that drunk again,” Cas laughed, “I was literally finding glitter for weeks.”

“I think we should celebrate,” Dean agreed with Charlie, “we have a bottle of Ash’s moonshine at the house.”

“We’ll meet you gents there. I may have parked like an asshole and don’t really feel like getting a ticket,” Charlie nodded toward the parking lot, “I’d offer a ride, but we took the Harley out today.”

“That’s alright. It’s only a ten minute walk to the house from here,” Dean put his arm around Cas, “we’ll see you guys there.”

Hannah and Charlie waved as they walked off. Dean laced his fingers with Cas’ as they headed back to the house, both with gigantic smiles on their faces. The big surprise was still to come and Dean couldn’t wait to see Cas’ face when he saw the reception. Cas still had no idea that everyone was in town. This was going to be legendary.

“I can’t wait to have you all to myself tonight,” Cas murmured, glancing at Dean as they neared the house, “I hope you slept last night because you won’t be,” he trailed off, “what’s with all the cars? Is someone having a party?”

Dean shrugged, “probably,” he said nonchalantly, “isn’t is graduation season?” he asked, shrugging, hoping he wasn’t acting suspicious. 

“That’s true,” Cas pulled Dean across the street, “I hope Charlie can find a parking spot.”

“Charlie has no problem making her own parking spot if she has to,” Dean chuckled, taking out his keys so he could unlock the front door. When the door was unlocked, he slowly opened it for Cas, “home sweet home.”

Cas took a step inside and froze, as no less than a dozen people jumped out, shouting **“CONGRATULATIONS!”**

“Dean, you sneaky son of a bitch,” Cas cursed, laughing, “I can’t believe you!”

“Surprise,” Dean kissed Cas on the cheek.

“That’s not how newlyweds kiss!” Gabe shouted, “Give Dean-o a big, wet one, Cassy!” 

Cas rolled his eyes, “oh, fine,” he pulled Dean into a proper kiss to appease his brother. Dean closed his eyes, letting himself get carried away for a moment before Cas broke the kiss, “later,” he winked at Dean before venturing into the crowd of friends and family to greet everyone.

“Welcome to the Novak clan, Dean,” Anna hugged him, “I’m so happy for you two.”

“Stop hogging my new brother-in-law, Anna,” Gabe punched Dean in the arm, “I’m glad you finally nutted up, Dean. You remember my wife, Josie?”

Dean watched Cas get tackled by Sam and Jess before looking at Josie, “I haven’t seen you since the wedding,” he shook her hand, “nice to see you again.”

“Always a pleasure,” Josie said, smiling, “nice job pulling this wedding off on such short notice.”

“Last minute is an understatement,” Benny joined the conversation, with Ruby close in tow, “Rubes and I almost didn’t make it,” he shook Dean’s hand, pulling him into a bonecrushing hug.

“You’re lucky we like you guys,” Ruby smirked at Dean, “I had a feeling you’d do something like this, Mr. Unpredictable.”

“I have to keep things interesting,” Dean rebutted, his eyes straying to Cas again, who was chatting with Jo.

“Dean Friggin’ Martin,” Ash put his arm around Dean’s shoulders. He was already drunk, “hell of a crew you have here, buddy.”

“It’s Dean Novak now,” Dean corrected Ash, “and, trust me, I’m just as surprised at the turn out as you are,” he noticed a familiar face in the crowd, “is that Chuck talking to my mom?” he asked, raising an eyebrow, “I haven’t seen him since that Grateful Dead show like five years ago.”

“I called Chuck and invited him,” Ash admitted, grinning broadly, waving Chuck over.

“Good to see you, man,” Dean said as Chuck joined them.

“Ash told me about the surprise wedding and I had to be here,” Chuck stood next to Ash, “I mean, I still remember helping you and Cas out way back when. I’m happy for you guys.”

“Thanks, man,” Dean shook Chuck’s hand, “make sure you say hi to Cas,” he nodded before making his way over to Sam, Jess, Jo and his mom, who were sitting around the parlor. They noticed him right away. 

“You coy bastard,” Jo said bluntly, “I knew you wouldn’t waste any time once they legalized it,” she hugged Dean, “congratulations, handsome.”

“I figured that Cas and I waited long enough,” Dean smiled, “I didn’t expect so many people to show up.”

“Come on, Dean. Your relationship was Cas was something straight out of a TV show,” Sam interjected, punching Dean’s arm lightly, “we were all invested from day one.”

Dean laughed. He couldn’t argue with Sam because he was right. From day one, Dean’s relationship was Cas had been anything but normal. But, he wouldn’t have changed that one bit. Everything happened for a reason, and he was ecstatic that it ended here.

“How are you enjoying the series finale then?” Dean asked, nudging Sam, “Bet you didn’t see this ending coming.”

“After all you went through, Dean, it had to end with yours and Cas’ happiness,” Mary slowly stood up from the chair she had been sitting in, using her cane to steady herself, “otherwise the show wouldn’t have been very good,” she hugged Dean, “I’m so proud of you.”

Dean chuckled, returning the hug, “I’m so happy you came, mom,” he let her go, “how is Muriel?”

“Believe it or not, she’s in Guatemala with the Peace Corps,” Mary laughed, “I swear, she refuses to get old.”

A hand curled into Dean’s, surprising him, until he realized it was Cas, “hey, stranger,” he kissed Cas’ temple, “you disappeared on me.”

“Anna’s trying to get everyone outside. Apparently there’s food and music out there,” Cas nodded toward the back door.

“Then why are we still standing here?” Dean let Cas lead him outside, where everyone was gathering. 

When all the guests were outside, Anna waved her arms in an attempt to get everyone’s attention, “Hi guys, can I just say I couple of things before we all get too drunk?” she said loudly, as the chatter died down, “I wanted to thank all of you for helping to make today extra special for Dean and Cas,” she was beaming, “now, if the newlyweds could join me up here, Gabe and I have a little surprise.”

Dean hadn’t been informed of any surprises. He glanced at Cas, who looked just as confused, “how bad could it be?” he grabbed Cas’ hand and lead him over to where Anna and Gabe were.

“I don’t know about you folks, but, I think it’s about time Dean and Cas had their first dance,” Gabe held up a CD, “Anna gave me a cassette tape about a week ago and told me to make a CD,” he handed the disc to Anna.

“I found the tape when I was packing up the old apartment and held onto it,” Anna put the CD into the stereo she’d rigged up outside, “I thought it was an appropriate choice for a first dance,” she closed the top of the CD player and pressed play, “congratulations, you two!”

The shuffling of a microphone came over the speakers, followed by a voice Dean hadn’t heard in years. His own voice, _“Is it on, Sammy?”_ a younger Dean asked, making older Dean’s mouth fall open. He knew what this was. It was the tape Dean had made for Cas as a Christmas present the year they met. He couldn’t believe it.

Cas covered his mouth, visibly affected by the memories associated with that tape. Dean embraced Cas, smiling when Cas returned the affection. Neither had ever been crazy about having the spotlight on them, particularly when it involved dancing, but it was a special occasion. As the familiar guitar solo started playing, Dean swayed slowly with Cas, never wanting to let go.

“I thought I lost this when we moved to California,” Cas looked up at Dean, “this really is the best day of my life,” he said, as Dean’s younger voice began singing the song that meant the world to both of them.

_“It’s a little bit funny...this feeling inside…”_

Dean saw nothing but sincerity in Cas’ eyes and he couldn’t deny feeling the same way, “every day with you is the best day of my life,” he pressed their foreheads together, “I love you.”

Cas smiled, “and I love you,” he leaned in closer, brushing his lips against Dean’s, “are you ready for our happy ending, husband?”

The title made Dean feel happiness he’d never felt before. He didn’t this is was possible to be so consumed with joy. He couldn’t resist stealing a kiss, lingering for a moment before grinning at Cas, “Husband, I’ve never been so ready for anything in my whole life.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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